Picture Imperfection

It's been a while!

2011-10-07T02:47:00.001-07:00

Dear readers,

It's been a while since I last blogged. I do apologize profusely as it's been hella busy over the past few days/months/years.

Good news! I'll be playing the lead for a music video tomorrow for a band called Manhand. Google them to find out who they are.

I'm quite pleased with myself this year; I quit my job from the hell hole of a department and was traveling for a while for 4 months. Then with a stroke of luck, I managed to get a job again in my old company but a different department. Quite happy indeed.

I'll update more after tomorrow.

A Tear Shed Over Time

2010-08-06T11:19:00.000-07:00

I recently met a guy. A guy who I thought would be a good friend. A friend who I thought was cute. A cute guy who was seeing another guy. Lets name this guy who I met, Barry.

At first, I stated my grounds clearly, not to engage in any form of sexual acts with him. I told him straight, that since he was together with someone else, I will not engage in any forms of sexual activities with him and the most we could be is friends. Next thing you know, I'm really starting to fall for him.

I waited an hour for him to get off work, sit down and have a drink with me for only 30 minutes before heading off to his next meeting. And the fact is, I didn't mind; which was a big indication that I really like the dude.

The third time we met, was at his place, where we had one too many drinks and ended up sleeping with each other. Torturous. I knew I was falling for him the moment our lips locked. I broke my own rule in not sleeping with him and I knew that I was falling down a deep and dark hole. He was seeing someone! How could I let things go out of control???? I felt so guilty after that, I went home and slept.

Today, I went out on a date with another dude. Throughout the whole date, I could not stop thinking about Barry, and the moment he called, I ran outside to pick up the phone. I really don't know what spell he put on me but I resisted and told him I would call him back.

I sent my date home, and we made out in his house but all I could think about was Barry. I left my date's place, saying that I needed to sleep, but in fact when I stepped into my car, I immediately started dialing Barry's number.

I spoke to Barry for a good 20 minutes, telling him how I felt, but in return he told me that the feelings I feel for him would change over time through personal experience. I was quite devastated by the remark, and I still am.

Through the act of putting down the phone of him, I realized that we can not be anything more than friends.

How I really wish we could.

I really do wish we could.

But sadly to say, we can not be.

Judging 3th@n

2010-07-31T13:55:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I last posted anything. Sorry to those who read my blog, I have been too lazy to even write.

I went to Marketplace tonight. I think I had...a good time there. Got a friend drunk and watched her throw up several times in the toilet and into ice buckets. Listened to friends chit chat about their love lives or what they expect out of their love lives. I was also a viewer to a show of two lovers who recently met and in my opinion, should get a room and shag all night instead of going out clubbing.

What really disturbed me tonight was not the fact that two guys were making out as if it was their last day together, but it was being told by friends that I had that look of someone who would not be faithful and hence, it would be difficult for me to even find someone to share my life with without having an open relationship. This fact was really hard to swallow and digest. As I tried to come into terms with it by consuming alcohol and cigarettes, a (very good looking) man sat down opposite me and started eyeing me. Aware of this fact, I tried to eye-flirt with him for a bit and then suddenly, to my distraught, another man sat down next to him and started making out with him and held his hand ever so dearly. It was his boyfriend.

Despite the fact that his boyfriend was sitting next to him and hugging so tight that his chest would explode, he was still looking at me and his body language was still inviting me to get to know him. This little event was just hard to experience; it was like a small window view of how my current life now was filled with men who havepartners and are unfaithful to them and want to bed me for a night or two. Lust at first sight. Nothing more than that.

This got me thinking in a very negative light; am I destined with the face I have to only experience bad relationships and partners who think I'm nothing more than a big cheat? Nothing more than one or two nights? I can't be imagining things if this is not the first comment and experience which I have.

How am I supposed to even sustain a relationship if I can't change the way I look?

These things may not ever be answered, but depression aside, I still want to be optimistic about finding the right person for myself.

I believe he's out there.

Perhaps far, perhaps near.

Just perhaps.

Let There Be.

2010-01-16T12:31:00.000-08:00

It was a good day. That is what I like to tell myself almost every day. It was certainly a good day.

But today is different. A friend called me up when I was out with another bunch of people and told me to come by because he's feeling depressed. I love my friends, and I rushed over as soon as I had the chance. When I arrived at the pub he was at, all I could see were tears.

He told me that his boyfriend had broken up with him. Despite preparing myself for the worst, I had no words to say to comfort him. As we sat outside, I watched pellets of tears form in his eyes, roll down his face and fall harshly onto the ground.

His boyfriend of 7 years.

Over.

Just like that.

I listened to my friends try to console him and him trying desperately to defend and reason why his boyfriend left him. All I could do is just hold him tight and make him feel wanted.

At times like these, I believe silence is the key. Listening to his predicament and nodding. Despite the fact that I'm opinionated, I kept my comments to myself because I know, no matter what you say to him in his drunken state, nothing will be absorbed.

Danny is a good person, and I believe he should never be subjected to feeling like this.

His friends try to tell him, it's over, just deal with it. You're too good for him. There are other fishes in the sea. Standardized remarks and comments.

He told me quietly that he wanted to start his life over again. When I looked into his puffy bloodshot eyes, I could see myself in him. So I told him, it's best if you dwell on these feelings for a while so you could process it and move on.

Bad things happen to good people all the time, and I pray desperately that it would stop.

If there is a higher being, I would wish S/He could hear my prayers.

Let there be light for those who want it.

Let there be peace for those who pray for it.

Let there be love for those who need it.

Am I Bovvered?

2009-12-29T11:53:00.000-08:00

As the wheels of time churns, we get older by the day but any wiser? I would like to think that I'm wiser through experience.

In a couple of days it would be 2010. What is my resolution for the New Year? I believe that New Year's resolutions are setting oneself for failure. Not very many achieve their goals within the year and to those who have, Congratulations!

Before the year ends, I would like to resolve a few issues on my mind by writing.

Perhaps I'm a hypocrite for saying this but I feel like I need to get this out of my system. Couples are annoying. I would like to think that friends that are in relationships are complementary to each other but to lose sense of self is a bit depressing. I am genuinely happy for them, and I wish for all the best to them, but certain events that have passed led me to think that perhaps friends are of lesser importance when it comes to relationships.

It has come to my attention that I was like that with my ex, but it has also been brought to my attention that I behaved better towards my friends when I was with him. I did not see my friends as often as before I got together with my ex but they understood and I will as well.

I think I'm upset because despite the fact that I was in a relationship before, I stuck to my guns and did try to meet up with the rest of them in different occasions. I would never set up a meeting and in the end, blowing them off for some poor excuse. Not to mention, them bringing along their partners and making me feel like a third wheeler.

Thinking this whole issue through, I would like to just write it off as me being jealous. Of them having someone they can spend their days with and me...well lets not get into that. T'is, after all, the season to be bitter and depressed.

I do hope that this feeling goes away though. Perhaps a change of scenery and mentalities would do the trick.

But am I bothered by this?

You bet your ass I am.

Leave No Impressions

2009-11-25T05:49:00.001-08:00

I was at the gym the other day trying to get my routine back on track and I was using the free weights when I saw this guy (probably average sized to lean) watching me lift weights. I must admit, I'm rusty and I don't like lifting weights which is why I would make almost any excuse not to do it but watching my weight fluctuate into a number which I'm terrified of, I'm trying my best not to make anymore excuses and just to hit it.

So here I was, lifting the 35s at an angle of 45 degrees and blasting music through my SkullCandys when I catch this guy looking at me. And it was not the cruising sort of look, it was more like sizing me up. After I was done with my set, I took a drink from my water bottle and through my peripheral vision, I could almost see and sense of smugness from him as he was lifting the 37.5s with ease. I smiled to myself and continued working out.

Ego has existed since the dawn of mankind. I believe there are two types of ego, one of which fuels your desire to achieve your dream and the other being the self-destructive "I'm-better-than-you-so-you-can-watch-me-be-better-than-you" ego.

This form of egoism borders upon narcissism and my theory is that it hides a deeper insecurity. It almost seems like one has to over-compensate in a particular attribute in order to shadow one's flaws. Why do I state that it's self-destructive? Most probably because that feeling of insecurity grows and festers within oneself which causes one to loathe that insecurity and perhaps anything that has resemblance to it.

As far as I am aware of, I believe quite a few men have this. I also believe that women have this too, and I think it is only adamant when dealing with their own sex. Honestly, I think it's quite an un-attractive personality trait. Showing-off and making someone feel bad for being a have-not is the ugliest trait anyone could ever have and I believe this encourages the separation and distinguishing of classes.

All I can say to anyone who has this trait is, "Sorry, that really does not impress me". :P

Family Guise

2009-10-30T04:54:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last blogged. Since I face the computer 8+ hours a day and 7 days a week, I don't have much energy to type anything anymore.

I was stumbling across a blog when I realized that I haven't written anything for myself in a very long time. And I should. Writing keeps me sane and I feel like I'm going insane from all the stress at work and the people in it.

Anyway, I just had a conversation with my mother about my 14 year old cousin. A couple of nights ago, my mother received news that my cousin had turned into a "bad apple". She had skived school, took a cab and went to a shopping mall with a bunch of boys who were a lot older than her who apparently were loan sharks.

My mother labeled her off as being playful and rebellious and told me that she should be put in a boarding school.

I on the other hand disagreed. Since my cousin was in her teenage years, plus her parents are divorced, her mother works more than 58 hours a week and she does not talk to her father, I believe she had felt like she lost control of life. I believe that every girl whether she's 50 or 15 has an insecure side to her. And the fact that she hates her father because he's controlling and left her to live with her mother doesn't help.

I thought my mother's solution to the problem was not a solution at all. I didn't think it addressed the problem at all. My solution offered was to try to be-friend her, and to speak to her as if she was an adult. She has choices, and she needs to know that she can make decisions but informed ones. I think Generation I-Deserve (which refers to my generation and the younger ones) are a lot smarter than we give credit for which is why speaking to her as an adult, I believe is a good way to appeal to her mentality.

Mother then challenged me, and told me to put my money where my mouth is and try to reach out to her. I said that relationships and friendships have to be organic. It cannot be forced and in a situation like this, it would make things worse with my cousin.

Mother listened and rolled her eyes when I argued my case and she told me that I was full of shit.

I told her to stuff it.

Pepper

2009-07-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

My dog, Pepper, got hit by a car 2 weeks ago, under the care of my ex. I only got to find out yesterday.

When he told me, I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. The only thing going in my head was why didn't he tell me earlier?

I wanted to blame him for Pepper's death. If I had taken care of our dog, she would still be alive. But I know it's not his fault.

Pepper is buried somewhere in Cheras. I want to see her so badly. Maybe just hug her one last time, scratch her ears, or just play catch with her.

I miss her so much. And I know she loved me back. I just wish I could say goodbye.

If I Could

2009-07-10T06:40:00.001-07:00

Some people say this with force.
Some people say this with humour.
But I say this with sincerity.

A few months ago, a couple of friends and I sat down and enjoyed our mixed cocktails of beer and whiskey when a question suddenly popped up which stunned everyone into a couple of minutes of silence.

The question was, "What do you think your purpose in life is?"

As we went around the table, answering perhaps the most illogical and unexplainable question, I sat there quietly and wondered how was I going to put my feelings into words. I heard answers which amused and interested me, such as "being put into this life to make people laugh" or "I believe I was born in this life to go through karma which I had collected over the lifetimes".

When my turn came, I could not put my feelings into actual sentences. But I tried.

I felt like my purpose in this life is to make a change for the better. With the utmost sincerity, I hope I could make a large difference in people's lives.

As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like this is my purpose. I was given a life that some people would kill to have. Maybe it is middle-class guilt, the fact that I was lucky to be born into this life but I am also given the chance to grow up and help people in whichever unselfish way I can.

Whenever I register an asylum seeker at my workplace, I feel better.

Whenever I meet someone who cannot afford to pay their rent, their food nor provide for their family and I refer them to someone who can provide them with financial assistance, I feel better.

Whenever I go against the system and vouch for asylum seekers to get registered, I feel better.

To think that in life, I am given the opportunity to do so. I believe that anyone could make a difference; even the smallest would contribute to a considerable amount.

Now if you could make a difference, what would you do?

Or perhaps I should ask, what do you think your purpose in life is?

Mad About Food

2009-06-17T03:28:00.000-07:00

Malaysia.

A city that never sleeps.

Filled with restaurants, each one better than the next, some might call Malaysia the food heaven. Dieters call it hell.

Well, there's one particular restaurant that has caught my attention and I've been dying to try; Mad About Pizza. Although I'm disgusted by the thought of global chain conglomerate restaurants such as Pizza Hut, I love myself a good big cheesy pizza.

This quaint restaurant located in Kota Damansara (the square of shop lots near Ikea/Ikano/The Curve) looks amazing. Their Menu on their website makes me salivate and dream about a big pan of Mushroom Feast. Mmmm!

You can visit their website at http://madaboutpizza.com.my

Another restaurant that I have my eyes set on trying is the churrascaria restaurant called Bom Brazil. I'm a sucker for good buffets and with my Chinese blood boiling in me, buffets are "super value" when it's all meat. I fell in love with churrascaria restaurants after my trip to Singapore back in 2008. I went to a restaurant called Carnivore and as the name implies, I was masticating on plates of juicy meat. Yum yum.

Oh. The thought of good food right now is almost unbearable. I must feed on something...

Or someone.

Disclaimer: I'm not being paid for writing about these restaurants (although I should *hint to future restaurant owners who want a little bit of online advertising but is too cheap to pay for an ad on the online newspaper so you invite bloggers to eat in your restaurant for a cheap price so they would blog and rave about it and you get a deal on advertising with minimal expenses). These little reviews are the rantings and cravings of a Polarbear. End Disclaimer.

Fly High...Sky High!

2009-06-04T04:40:00.000-07:00

Places that I have visited and would want to go again:
1) Taiwan
2) Thailand
3) Hong Kong
4) Shanghai/Shen Zhen
5) London
6) France
7) Indonesia
8) Singapore (hmm...then again...)

Place that I have visited and would never return (even if there's 1,000,000 dollars in it for me):
1) Cambodia (Scammers galore)
2) Prague (The most depressing country during winter)
3) Dubai (Nothing but sand in butt cracks)
4) Australia (Did someone mention racists?)

Places I would love to visit in the following couple of years:
1) Canada
2) Rome
3) Greece
4) South Korea
5) The rest of China
6) Portugal (I would love to meet my Figo)
7) Brazil

The Invisible Man

2009-05-12T03:10:00.000-07:00

Another year.

Another break-up.

Is it even possible to maintain a monogamous relationship in this day and age?

I was in a serious relationship for 4 months, 2 of which I spent half drunk and half not bothered and the rest I spent sober with heated arguments. I used to think I loved this guy, but as the time ticked away, I could not see a future with him.

When I'm in a relationship, I would dream of a future with the man I'm with, an apartment in Damansara Heights, a bed together, a car which we can't afford because of our measly salaries, a wedding in Canada during autumn. At this point I need to remind you readers, that yes I do have a dick and a pair.

With Lester (not his real name), I could not see anything. Sometimes I would think to myself, why am I with him? Feelings for him are there, but I don't think I would go to the extent of calling it "love". Then I thought to myself, why should I spend time with a guy I don't love? Is it because I'm already used to his presence?

I needed time to figure out, so I did a one week trial where I hardly contacted him and analyzed our relationship from every angle possible. After what seemed like hell throughout the week of him trying to pick fights with me and me not communicating with him, I decided it was time to end things.

He decided to bring everything I left at his place back to me, which was initially my fault as I did tell him I wanted things to be black and white, my things are mine and his things are his. I am a guy like that, I like lines to be drawn.

I did hurt him.

And I'm not proud of it.

As I looked into his eyes, I could see that he was burnt by me. I could tell by the way that he told me he was now dating other men.

Is it possible, through all my experiences of dating men, through all the experiences of getting hurt, through all the tears I spent crying over lost loves, are channeled through my new dating persona?

Someone wise once told me that through experience comes growth. But growth in a horizontal way, or vertically? Good or bad? Halal or non-halal?

With all these dating experiences tucked away in my pocket, have I turned into a soulless being who cannot feel the hurt of other people? Am I that jaded?

All I can think of aren't the answers, but instead;

How cliche to analyze oneself after break-ups.

I'm Not Dead...Yet.

2009-05-08T11:31:00.001-07:00

It's been too long since my last posting and I've decided to give blogging another go.

Work with the UN is quite hectic and work never seem to end. But on a light note, surprisingly I got a letter from a refugee the other day with my name written on it. I almost never get snail mail and it was a pleasant surprise for me that day. The only catch is, I was not allowed to open it (in case it contained trace amounts of anthrax or unleash a new strain of herpes, etc), but still it was a little funny.

These past few months have been tiring. With less than a good ample 8 hours sleep a night, my eye bags have turned into humongous garbage bags. Trash anyone?

Ah right. I got a new tattoo as well. I'm quite sure a few people have seen it since I've been proudly parading it around with my sleeves rolled up in an awful fashion. It is fashion faux pas, but if you got it, flaunt it.

Things have been exciting these couple of days, with my ex-lecturer getting arrested under the Sedition (need I say stupid?) Act and groups having vigils and protests. I wish I had attended at least one, but being a silly gay boy, I went for my gym class instead.

I am also very proud of the Monash students for organizing the protest against WCH's arrest. Kudos to ML. I am upset at myself for not turning up for the event. Work is not an excuse, although it is mine.

The same day, during the Perak State Assembly, I could feel the electricity in the air as I was refreshing The Edge's website every 5 minutes to catch a good friend of mine posting updates live from Perak.

As I have not exactly been politically active these couple of months, I miss the adrenaline rush I used to get when going to protests and vigils; the air would suddenly turn cold when something was going to happen and you would not know what would happen until it hits you or when people start running. Bringing the "Protest Bag" consisting of small bags of salt, plastic bags, a towel and the Malaysian Flag.

Sigh.

The only consolence I have for myself is the thought that there is definitely more to come...

Public-action

2008-12-14T08:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've updated my blog. Mostly because I've been brain-dead everyday when I come back from work and since I face the computer daily typing in bio-data and verifying candidates, I do not want to spend the rest of my time facing a computer.

It's been good so far. I've never thought being away from a computer would be liberating.

I've recently been asked to send in a short story for possible publication. I haven't exactly gotten very far but I have a basic idea of what I want to write and how I want to write it. I spent the first half of yesterday writing lines and erasing them cause they were so trivial and boring.

I realized trying to transform an experience into words is hard, especially when you're trying desperately to hide the fact that it is your very own experience. I've been trying to tackle this angle by writing in a third person point of view but as a memoir. I suppose if it is not written correctly, it would fail miserably.

I'm hoping that my editors would like it, but knowing their artsy fartsy mentality, they would probably laugh at my feeble attempt to write.

Whilst I digress from writing, I've contacted Borneo Ink in hopes of getting a new tattoo. Once I get it, I'll discuss more about it.

As for now, it's back to the drawing board...and work tomorrow.

Monday blues always get the best of me.

The Lost Art of Writing

2008-11-19T07:56:00.000-08:00

After a long day of work, I like to unwind with a cold beer. With every sip, I can feel the elixir flow down my throat and replenish my energy. Ahh...whoever made beer is my God.

My ambrosia.

Today, I was heading out to the gym when I came across a letter addressed to me. I've never gotten letters, only bills under my name. As I was late and on the phone, I grabbed it and drove off to the gym. A couple of hours later I came back into my car and looked at the letter. It was still addressed to me. I know who wrote it but I can't seem to get over the fact that people write letters still. With our technological savvy-ness, who would have thought that people still write?

That got me thinking, when was the last time I wrote a letter. It was in Grade 4 and it was to my pen-pal...from...I can't even remember. To think about it even more, I have never really written a post-card and mailed it.

Writing on the walls.

I love writing, but to actually sit down and write to someone personally, I don't think I can do that. I'm able to spill my guts and emotions out on this blog but I don't really think about my readers. I usually just write because I can and I want to. Not for people to read, but for my own personal development.

It's about time; I should write and mail something off.

Or maybe I'm just scared someone would read my chicken feet handwriting and laugh.

Ha ha.

An Atrocious Little Play On Love

2008-11-15T20:19:00.001-08:00

I went for a play yesterday called A Crazy Little Thing Called Love produced, created and directed by Colin Kirton. As there were good reviews for this play, my friend and I thought it would be interesting to see what sort of concepts and direction they would take.

Throughout the first act, I was appalled. It was not the bad acting, but I was disgusted by how they were trying to dictate what family values are; heterosexual hierarchic Western ideologies on what families should be. You have the infamous skit called Lost In Transmission, where you get an insight into how "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". What a load of crock. First of all, it stereotypes how women are emotional and are in need of constant attention whereas men are emotionally stagnant in relationships and need to be constantly reminded that they are in a relationship.

Then you have the whiny couple, who got married; the husband being the provider and the woman being the naggy emotional baggage that everyone seems to hate carrying. Repeating the lines "You've changed" about ten million times is excruciatingly painful for the ears and to watch the dramatic skit unfold itself is painstaking for the eyes. It was extremely cheesy and if I could, I would puke and shit at the same time on how bad it was.

Bad actors! Shame on you. You ought to be spanked.

Oh no. It doesn't stop there. If you think the first act was bad, I stayed till the end of the second act. It got worse from there.

You have a reworked blog entry by a guy from Singapore who's father had cancer. They reworked the entry (I hope they got permission) and called it I Am My Father's Son. It was a futile monologue that did not engage with the audience at all. On top of that I was so angry that they reworked someone else's work and put a storyline into it. YOU DO NOT DO THAT. That is just plagiarism and bad script-writing. Plus the creator pumped in words that were loaded with sympathetic connotations in order to captivate the audience. It sucked. Trust me, it really sucked.

Last but not least, you would think that there would be at least a little bit of artistic direction into this play, but no. There was not. They over-utilized the Hollywood feel-good movie blockbusters and had other stuff like the 30 year old woman who wanted her father's love and the girl who was angry at her mother for leaving the father and had cheese-filled lines like "I forgive you Mommy", just think of Britney Spears in Crossroads and you would get the idea.

This is the cherry on top of the icing, they used the phrase "I Love You" over 50 times. If I had learned anything from Writing 101 it was to Show and Not Tell. Now that is just bad writing and rude to deep-throat an audience for 110 minutes with "I Love You"s.

Since today is the last day of the play, I can't exactly advise anyone not to go anymore, but I would advise no one to go to another play directed, created OR produced by Colin Kirton.

No more abuse please Mr Kirton. My mind can not fathom how you created such atrocities.

Sick & Tired

2008-11-04T03:50:00.000-08:00

I realized I haven't been updating my blog. That's because I haven't exactly gotten the free time to be able to write. I miss having the days when I pour my heart and soul into my writing. Now it just seems like a chore.

I'm currently down with a bad cold and cough. My body's still trying to adjust to the early mornings and constant contact with sick refugees and asylum seekers. For the past 2 to 3 weeks, I've gotten an eye infection, a severe case of food poisoning (thanks to Original Kayu at Aman Suria and their Paper Tosik) and fever and now this. Gar. I hate being sick.

In the mean time, I've been trying to brush up my photography and Photoshop skills. Check this out.

Work just never seems to end....

Thanks to Lean Kee for taking the photo.

I also took quite a few photos at the Transsexual Beauty Pageant organized by Pink Triangle Foundation held at Flamingo Hotel.

The photos can be seen here.

I'm loving Miss USA. She's my visual orgasm.

Anyway, I've been uploading quite a bit on my Facebook account. I think I should stop for now and concentrate on more serious stuff.

But what?

Office-tics

2008-10-15T01:59:00.000-07:00

When one enters a room full of people with strong and different personalities, there would definitely be heads that butt each other, bitchiness, snide comments and the worst of it all; politics.

It all starts with just one unpleasant person.

One person to stir shit up for the whole team.

One person to wreak harmony between colleagues.

Just one.

In the team that I'm working in right now there are 3 unpleasant people. So you can imagine what sort of shite the team goes through.

A bitch who doesn't know when to shut her trap, brags about the fact that she knows my boss and gives people looks of dis-approval. Given the opportunity, she would talk endlessly about how she is better than others and even when no one is speaking to her, she would butt into conversations despite not knowing what we're talking about.

A bastard who if BFFs with the bitch and is a complete waste of time and space. No one understands his "jokes" and is an opportunist, given the fact that he's my supervisor's personal ASSistant and told her personally that he does not want to shifted around jobs in my team so he could have that ounce of power over people. I found out today that the feeling is mutual between him and I and he has been bitching behind my back (about what I have yet to find out) like the dog that he is.

An asshole who does not take initiative to do any work, who's always slowing down the team and because of him, the whole team has to stay back till about 6 - 6.45PM when work finishes at 4. He passes work to other people and doesn't seem to understand simple english.

These three people are on my list.

I am going to avoid talking to these three people as much as possible. Less things to talk about, less conflict. So I'm going to be happy with the people I work with, be efficient, helpful whenever I can and ignore fuckers so I don't have to deal with them.

See no evil and speak to no evil.

By the way, did I mention this is my 3rd week on the job?

The horror.

Shooting And Plotzing

2008-10-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

The weekend seemed to have passed in such a hurry. I did not even seem to have gotten any sleep throughout the days.

Then again there's no rest for the wicked.

Last night was a splendidly random. I went for dinner at Little Paris in SS2, food there is yummers, then out of no where a couple of friends and I decided to take a trip down to PutraJaya. I decided in my head to bring my camera as well as some props; a spontaneous photo shoot.

I love random photo shoots. The last one I did was at a playground during Hungry Ghost Festival, and I followed the theme and played around with the colours during Photoshop.

This time around, I wanted to fuse architecture and death and ghouls together. So I grabbed my Venetian mask, the Japanese robe I got from Cambodia (Why it was sold there? Don't ask me), the paddy field straw hats and my huge ass red fan. I don't think I did a good job but it was fun playing around with angles and stuff.

I also wanted to write a story along with the shots I took but I have work tomorrow and I'm too lazy to write.

And it's getting late.

I should get some sleep before my hectic day tomorrow.

Auto Mobility

2008-10-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago, I sold off my car because I didn't see a point in my family having 3 cars when petrol prices were increasing and my car was creating problems for me in terms of maintenance.

Today, I have a small pea-sized sense of regret because I've recently gotten a job that is quite far from my area. I have no means of travel; public transportation such as buses and trains are out of the question because there are no buses or trains around my area as well as where my office is located. So I have to rely on the notorious cabs in Malaysia.

My parents offered to get me a car, which I forcefully declined because honestly, I want to make it on my own. I know I'm not getting much but my 3 month plan is to move out of the house and rent my own place, and hopefully be able to survive within my earnings.

To be realistic and yet idealistic, I cannot rely on my parents forever. My fear of finances have already started to creep into my life and I rather not enhance it by taking a loan from my parents and pay them each month for next couple of years. If my parents are not around, I would not be able to get a loan from the bank in the first place so why should I take advantage of the situation now?

I'm filled with middle class guilt and I'm punishing myself through these means to be able to achieve what I can call my own in life. But somehow I feel like I'm going to give up and go back into my comfort zone of being taken care of by my parents.

Cabs take about 1/4 of my salary and it is unreliable, renting a car is too expensive, driving my parents car would take away my credibility at work, and I would have to get out at 4.30 in the morning to take public transportation.

I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

Gar...

The 4 Pinnacles

2008-09-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

I am boundless
Weightless
Being one and
All I am

I am the sinner
Sinning
Searching for my
Realm of peace

I am learning
Forgiveness
Burning past all
Faults and lies

I am drifting
Deepness
Passing through the
Lake of pain

Far away
Clouded away
Floating away
I'm
Souled away

Screw You LTL

2008-09-16T20:48:00.000-07:00

Take a stand Malaysians.

The time is now for the Rakyat (the people) to stand up against the government. Not only have they detained Raja Petra, Teresa Kok and Tan Hoon Cheng under the Internal Security Act without any trials, they are now trying to form a new Act among racial lines.

Marina Lee, Raja Petra's wife @ Bukit Aman

I hate to blog about politics and usually steer clear away from them when I'm writing but I am appalled and angered by such atrocities.

When I found out about the arrests of the detainees last week Friday, it was a shock to me. The government was trying to silence the voices that report the truth. Our press is being forced into being pro-government and this is the tactic they use to re-inforce their propaganda.

Do they really think the public is that stupid?

Vigil @ Bloghouse; stressed by the fact that we are governed by idiots, we lit cigarettes as well as candles.

So on Saturday I went for the vigil in Bukit Aman. And on Sunday I went for the impromptu vigil in Bloghouse. And on Monday I went for the Pakatan Rakyat mass gathering. I thought there would be a slight change of how things were being handled but now they are discussing a new Act to govern racial relations.

Pakatan Rakyat mass gathering: Anwar's Speech

How is this going to solve racial relations?!?!?

To believe that arresting people and silencing them without trial is already sick enough, but to create a new Act in which anyone could be arrested along the lines of racial disturbances is just wrong. Isn't it enough that Malaysia has disgusting acts such as the Emergency Order and the ISA?

I for one will not fall into the trap that someone up there in BN has set for the public and I strongly urge the people not to fall among this racial trap as well. We should stand together for what it's worth.

I will lend my support where-ever it is needed.

Because I am Polar.

And I am part of the people.

And screw you Liow Tiong Lai for coming up with this.

Bubble Trouble

2008-09-09T23:36:00.000-07:00

There's trouble brewing in the air and it smells racist.

Malaysia is a multi-cultural marketing gimmick focused into bringing tourists to believe that the ethnicities here are all happy living with each other - Truly Asia.

But deep inside every individual is the knowledge that racial issues here are predominant; it's in our politics, in our newspaper, heck it's even living next to us. A majority of us do not even seem to be bothered about this fact and it is apparent with the complacence of society.

I talked to my parents today about Ahmad Ismail's warning to the Chinese. This is what he said:

"I urge the Chinese not to become like the Jewish in America, where it is not enough that they control the economy, but they also want to dominate politics," Ahmad told a news conference late Monday in northern Penang state.

"Consider this a warning from the Malays," Ahmad said. "The patience of the Malays has a limit. Do not push us against the wall, for we will be forced to turn back and push the Chinese for our own survival."

This quote was taken from AP.

I'm not quite sure about the rest of the population, but I for one am offended. Being part of the Chinese minority in Malaysia, I don't think I should stand for this sort of racial nonsense.

Why are people like this IN our political arena? It's alright to listen to opinions and rethink whatever values we have and to push for it but to threaten an ethnic minority?

I've got only one thing to say to him and his party.

Kiss my bubbly Chinese ass.

Tears Are Like Wet Poems

2008-09-09T12:27:00.000-07:00

Okay forgive me again cause I had a bit to drink just now. I finished half a bottle of whiskey with nothing in my stomach except for my lunch.

And now, I have no idea why but tears seems to keep pouring out from my eyes and it runs down my cheeks like hot coals.

I'm not sad or anything. I don't feel like my heart is in pain. I don't feel anything but I have no idea why these watery pellets are shooting out from my eyes. And to be totally honest I'm really not thinking about any of my exes. Probably Derrick but he didn't really make much of a significant impact on me to make me feel like this.

Seriously I'm pouring buckets. I have no idea why.

Maybe a guy needs to just cry.

Cry for the sake of it.

Cry to let it out.

Cry to release.

Or maybe I'm just insane.

Monash - Evil Money Sucking Machine

2008-09-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of the atrocity of paying in order to attend your own graduation?

I have.

In fact I have to pay a whooping RM500 in order to attend my graduation ceremony (which is in a couple of hours). Monash University Malaysia is an evil corporate money sucking machine and it's their last chance to siphon money out from their students before they send them off to fend for themselves in the real world.

Graduation has been ritualized and now every proud parent of a student would love to watch the 1 minute act of their child going up on stage, shake the hand of the Chancellor, smile and walk off.

Even despite my rage against the evil conglomerates and instead of graduating in absentia in Australia, I wanted to give my parents that moment.

Once I applied for graduation, I've been asked every single week on when my graduation date is, what time does it start, how many tickets do I get, etc etc. I am not impressed by their lack of memory or attention.

I've already graduated once. What's the point in doing it again!??!
Stupid rituals...

As time draws closer to doomsday, I am again asked the details of my graduation. "It starts at 3, I don't have the tickets, I will be there at 12.30 to collect my gown, it will be until 5 and if you want to take portrait photos it will be a long line so line up early".

My Chinese parents apparently have a friend's wedding anniversary to attend to, so they want to come late. My flesh and blood sister wants to go to the gym and will wait for my parents to pick her up instead of accompanying me to get my gown. My uncle and aunt from London want to take portrait photos to show my other uncles and aunts but since they don't have tickets, my parents asked them to come around 5.30.

Did I mention that these people are all related to me?

The only person whom I can tolerate at the moment is my grandpapa. He's feeling a lot better since his visit to the hospital and I'm glad he can make it to my graduation.

Monash has already given me so much grief.

I just need to borrow a little more strength to endure tomorrow.

Casual Nonsense

2008-09-03T09:33:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I updated anything. I had my blog opened a couple of times but I can't seem to get my thoughts out and put them in writing.

I volunteered at a sexuality diversity event here in Kuala Lumpur and it went well. Made a couple of friends and met a lot of new people.

And here's a long awaited update on my love life, which is pretty much non-existent. I got hit on by several guys during the event but none of which I was interested in. My sex drive has gone down to zero ever since my epiphany with my ex. Also I think it's because I've been hanging out with a bunch of lesbians which has made me feel so a-sexual. Garrr!

My graduation ceremony is this week Saturday.

One of my many uncles and aunts are coming down from London.

What else?

Oh, and 'apparently' I'm PMSing.

Fan-bloody-tastic.

Shite

2008-08-23T13:04:00.001-07:00

I'm so drunk right now.

And these are the words from a drunkard.

I just came back home fr0m a hectic yet pleasant night out with friends.

First I had to go to a friend's birthday thingy where I met my ex-lecturer and we had a good chat about everything. It was good to see him outside of his element.

Then I had to mosey on to the local watering hole; this friend's "farewell" thingy.

And I think I made some of my friends fall for me.

Shit.

Like I don't have enough drama in my life.

Kindred Connections

2008-08-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

A friend and I were talking about random acts of kindness. She told me about a common friend who, at a night of A&W root beer, saw an old Indian woman lurched over herself by the road and asked her if she's alright. She had a bag next to her and told him that she was kicked out from her house in broken Malay. He was broke the whole week and had his last 5 dollars with him and without hesitation he took it out and gave it to her.

That got me thinking about the kindest thing I've done.

Back when I was working in 65, a local watering hole, I used to head to this dodgy park after work to meet up with friends or cruise around with my favourite songs watching cute guys stroll the area. I would also try to strike up conversations with them when times were right.

I remember a night when I was blasting my Canto pop CD and singing in my car whilst roaming around the park, I saw a guy who looked like he was lost. I went around him a couple of times to check him out and then I gathered up my courage and asked him if he was alright wandering the park so late at night. It was then he told he that he was from Singapore, was here in Kuala Lumpur for a holiday and that a friend dropped him off there and said he would be back in 2 hours to pick him up. He had no cash with him for some reason and knew no one in Malaysia except for his friend whom he had tried calling the past 4 hours only to get the voice message box.

Even despite his unlikely tale, I sensed despair and kindness in his tone of voice so I offered him a lift back to his hotel in KL. He said he stayed in Hotel Negara located somewhere near Petaling Street. I'm not really familiar with the streets of KL so I decided to just drive around until he recognizes his hotel. It also hit me that he was wandering there for 4 hours without food or water so I asked him whether he was thirsty and I popped into a nearby 7-11 to get him a large bottle of 100Plus and mineral water for him. He was very thankful and gulped down half the 1 litre of 100Plus and continued to tell me his tale of his friend. Apparently he came to KL for him and the dude was obviously not interested and dumped him in the most dodgy-est area known to gay men.

I finally found his hotel after half an hour of searching and I dropped him off. I insisted he take the liquids I bought for him but he thanked me so many times and refuse to take the bottle of unopened mineral water. It was late so I didn't want to argue, so I wrote my number on a piece of paper and handed it to him. I told him that if he needed help, he could always give me a ring. I knew at that moment when I handed him my number, I would never see this person ever again. And I was right.

Despite all of this, I am blessed that he didn't turn out to be a killer or some robber. I also felt good that I did an act of kindness and hoped for nothing in return...except for him to be kind to other people as well.

I do believe in the good in people. That is why I will do my best to help them.

And I hope that people would pay it forward.

G

2008-08-17T01:26:00.000-07:00

I just came back from the hospital. My grandfather was admitted in yesterday because he was feverish and also complained of stomach pains. They are keeping him there because they suspect he was stricken by dengue.

Seeing him lay there with a plastic tube inserted into his arm, I couldn't help but feel a wave of sadness come over me. I bit my lower lip to fight back the tears. But my family doesn't seem to think it's a big thing. Maybe it's just me; seeing him weak and resting on the hospital bed hit me hard.

I know he will get well soon.

I love my grandpapa.

Closure

2008-08-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

Wow! I'm drunk at the moment so I may not make any sense.

I went to Market Place tonight, hoping I would have fun and not worry about what's bothering me these past few weeks.

It was great! I drank, I had fun and I am drunk.

I realized that I'm still attractive to the same sex as I caught a lot of people eye-Raping me when I was sitting down drinking and dancing wildly on the dance floor. I still got it!

Anyway, I bumped into my ex whilst walking down to the dance floor and I must say, I didn't have any feelings what-so-ever. I must commend myself. I am finally over this person.

I saw him. I saw his boyfriend walking after him. And I realized...wow. I'm never going to be his carpet ever again. No longer will I walk after him like a dog. That torch has been passed on to another soul. May the God of Tolerance bless him.

I am finally free of any constraint that love has casted upon me.

I have my closure.

Freedom.

I am now free.

Ava Adore

2008-08-10T01:46:00.000-07:00

I love Smashing Pumpkins.

Billy Corgan rocks.

My ultimate favourite song - Ava Adore.

Since I don't know how to put videos here, you can check out the music video by clicking here!

Sigh....

2008-08-07T18:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted up anything, mostly because I'm been so frustrated with myself.

I applied for jobs overseas (S. Korea and Taiwan) teaching English cause I don't know what else I can do. Secondly because I don't foresee myself working in Malaysia at all - it's just not the place for me, no matter how much I love this place.

About a week ago, my resume got rejected from Berlitz Korea because I did not hold a Native English passport. Just because I hold a Malaysian passport, I was not even qualified to apply for a visa there.

Today, my resume got rejected from Berlitz Taiwan; also because I hold a Malaysian passport. Am I forever cursed to work here?

Malaysia will always be my home, don't get me wrong, but 'tis not the place for me to flourish.

And oh, I picked up smoking again...

Three

2008-07-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

5.23Am...

On a Wednesday morning...

I sit here and ponder about life and my failures.

At the age of 24, I should be happy. But instead I wrap myself with misery and despair.

I've been hurt so many times, I should feel numb. But with each heartbreak that comes along with break ups, I writhe on the floor in pain as hot coals run down my cheeks.

After knowing that I've graduated, I should find a job. But with each passing second, I feel lost and I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I spoke about it briefly to my friends. But I cannot seem to pour my thoughts and emotions because I feel they should not burden themselves with my problems.

What am I to do? I seek for answers that no one are able to fathom.

So I do what I do best.

Avoid the problems.

Erase the memories.

And paste on a smile.

Tales of Rituals and the Supernatural

2008-07-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

In Cambodia, it is believed that a creature called the Srei Ap exists: women who dabbled with black magic and accidentally turned themselves into flying disembodied heads with its bloody entrails hanging from its neck. Not only does the Srei Ap devour small living things such as frogs, insects and fishes, it is attracted to menstruation blood and fresh placentas from newly born children.

Cambodians also believe that the Srei Ap is afraid of thorns and small sharp objects. As such, thorns are placed underneath the pregnant women's bed to ward off the Srei Ap during childbirth. After the birth of the child, placentas are then hidden deep beneath the earth away from the ever hungry bodiless spirit. If the placenta is found and consumed by the Srei Ap, it is said that the spirit of the child as well as the mother would be consumed and they would both die.

In fear of the Srei Ap, the Cambodian culture of burying placentas are still practiced today. In fact there are resemblances to our Malaysian legend of Penanggalan, "head with dancing intestines". Small altars, offerings made from bamboo and stone statues of the Buddha are set up outside and inside houses to ward off evil spirits and this occurrence is similar to the traditions in Malaysia, despite its modernity.

Photos Copyrighted by Ethan

There is the annual ritual of Pchum Ben during September where the living set out offerings to appease the dead. It is known that this festival lasts for 15 days and during this period, the gates of hell are opened and spirits roam the earth to satisfy their hunger. Food is offered by the people and presented to the monks living in temples. This is where the ritual of incense, meditation and chants begins to placate the restless souls of dead ancestors and relatives. The people are also required to pay homage in at least seven temples and on the 15th day, the locals light a candle and follow chanting monks around the sanctuary for those who died alone and have no one to set out offerings for them.

This tradition lives on today but is not practiced by many from the younger generation. Instead of attending the ritual, they provide money and food to their living relatives in turn to represent their filial duty. This annual festival bears a resemblance to our local Hungry Ghost festival in which spirits are released from the gates of hell and wander the land in search for offerings which mainly consist of food.

People think that Cambodia is more haunted than ever, especially the locals. According to Watanap, a female waitress at the local bar, an astonishing eight out of ten locals believe in spirits and ghostly apparitions, most of them being females. Although most of Cambodia's citizens are Buddhists, these tales of horror stem from a pre-Buddhist shamanistic tradition of rituals and prayers to spirits for protection.

Due to Cambodia's sad and melancholic history during the time of the Khmer Rouge rule where many died and were not given proper burials, locals have been plagued with guilt for the dead who were not laid to rest.

A war veteran and survivor, Moun Sinath, tells the tales of strange disturbances in the War Museum – where a land formerly loaded with land mines has now transformed into a tourist attraction of rusted alienesque tanks and machines used for war. Sinath is also a firm believer in spirits and reports odd occurrences during the night – the tinkering sound of repairs to machinery, voices in Khmer requesting for nourishment and assistance can be heard during the still of the night. Sinath believes this to be his fellow comrades who died at war during the Khmer Rouge rule. What used to be a nightly visit from the dead has now become less frequent and is only reported during night when the moon is full and glowing.

We are surrounded daily by stories and folklore of spirits of the dead haunting the living with their presence. Walking daily in Siem Reap, I pass by altars in stores and buildings that have been set up to protect the people from evil spirits. On a personal note, I believe in the afterlife and that everyone has a ghostly story to tell. After listening to these stories told by the locals, the dark streets of Siem Reap seem to have changed from mundane to mysterious.

Disaster

2008-07-11T02:31:00.000-07:00

My iPod just got hit with a virus. Now when I plug it into a computer, I try to double click on the folder where I stuff all my photos in and instead it opens up the My Documents folder.

If I lose any of my photos I took during Angkor Wat and my many other photos, I will cry.

The 7th Wonder of The World - Icy Cold Ankor Beer

2008-07-05T05:57:00.000-07:00

The first changing of leaves. A winter breeze on a day in Spring. Snow falling and softly landing on the willow tree.

Things you would not find in Cambodia.

However, you would be able to find sweat-soaked tourists running around the streets of Siem Reap.

It’s day 2 of our study trip in Cambodia and the heat is intense. I woke up today to a beautiful late morning, the hotel room was dark and very little light came through our heavily draped windows. The rays of light that did come through danced on the floor in our air-conditioned room and seemed to play tricks with the shadows.

I walked from Popular Guest House and immediately was struck with the extreme heat that made Cambodia Cambodia. The heat gave very little life to the students of Monash. Even as I sit here and write, I could feel my body producing tears of hate. If my body could speak, it would say “WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME?”. It would also say “Feed me!”.

Food here is friggin’ cheap. For 1USD I could get a plate of yummy noodles or a French bread filled with what seems to be pork and vegetables. Or you could get a small bag of fried crickets and pour it down your throat like our very brave Maxine.

We were gathered at Wat Damnak (Wat in Khmer for Monastery and Damnak meaning Resting Place) for our session on housing rights and evictions when Maxine pulled out a transparent bag of crickets. I cringed in horror as she spoke about pulling its head and feet off before masticating on the fried body. The horror, the horror! Chua Sue-Ann did try to persuade me into popping the insect into my mouth and as she came after me I karate kicked the cricket out of her hand and saved the day. Hoo-ray for me!

Today’s session really did speak to me. Depika Suerchan’s presentation on housing rights for citizens and evictions was well put together and as she was showing us pictures and documentaries on how the authorities react in forced evictions, I remembered seeing children following us on the way to Wat Damnak and wondered if their families were evicted from their homes only to find no place to live. The vivid images of families with small children having their homes torn down only to have a skyscraper built in place of their sanctuary really pisses me off. The feeling of helplessness and not being able to do anything about it makes me frustrated even more.

This is why you should vote for me for World President. There would be no war. There would be no anger. There would only be Communism…

And good cheap beer.

2 Days Later...

2008-07-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

For every puff of a cigarette, it is said that you lose one minute of your life.

One minute.

For every puff.

I think I lost about a couple of years.

Cigarettes and Mahjong - killer combo

So I decided to quit smoking. Not because it's bad for the health, it's because it's just getting too damn expensive. I've calculated, I buy cigarettes for RM8.20 which would last me two to three days during the week and a day during the weekend. That's a whooping 150+ bucks that I spend solely on cigarettes for a month!

I remember back in the days when I started smoking, cigarettes used to be cheap and cost like...5 bucks. Now smoking has become part of the luxurious lifestyle and I for one will not buy into this culture. I shall quit when I'm ahead. And it's good to have friends beside you who want to quit as well. Just so there's a check every now and then. Good support system.

So how am I doing it? Cold turkey. I smoked my last cigarette on the 30th of June at exactly 11.35PM. It's been over 24 hours and I think I'm doing well. I'm replacing an addiction with another addiction - eating ChaCheer Kua Chi (Sunflower seeds) and now I have a sore throat.

Gosh darn it, I'm in desperate need of a cigarette.

I'm Turning You In, You Turn Me Out

2008-06-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

As I was driving home from sending Nicky back from a night out, my iPod was shuffling through random songs and the nostalgia of Sydney came rushing back. I remember going to Green Box karaoke with my friends and screaming our lungs out with songs like Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody and Air Supply, etc.

I got home and started reminiscing about things that time had stolen from me. A big part of it was listening to music. I remember sitting in my room with my computer and searching for songs that I heard from Rage. The most prominent band I've ever heard is the band George (the song you're listening to now on my mp3 player). The moment I heard them live on Rove, I was flabbergasted and immediately went online to see whether I could get a download of their song. Couldn't find it anywhere, so I trolled the streets of the Central Business District in hunt for their album. I popped it into my computer and opened a can of beer and sat there, mesmerized by Katie and Tyrone Noonan's haunting melodies.

It absolutely fantastic.

I loved it.

I love it still.

When Ethan Met Jerry & Harry, The Shit Hits The Fan

2008-06-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

Friendships between two people are great, especially when one understands the other person and vice versa. But when friendships turn sour, be weary of catty comments, backstabbing and other nonsensical actions to get back at each other.

I for one am the sort of person who believes in second chances, maybe even thirds whether in a relationship or just plain being friends. However, I am also the sort of person who would cut ties completely if I feel like I'm being subjected to displacement. My tactic is to not pick up any of the person's calls, not to reply any of their messages and avoid seeing them in public.

This tactic has lead me into deep shit with one of my good friend's ex-boyfriend. To tell this tale is to trace this story back to its original root, the time when I met Jerry.

I met Jerry when I was working at the local watering hole as a waiter. We got along very well, went on several trips together and had long chats about his "boyfriend", Harry. Don't get me wrong, Jerry and I were very good friends. He would spend nights just talking about how much he loved his Harry, how Harry left him and even though he's with another guy, Jerry would still continue his love for him and all that sort of crap. At first I thought it was very romantic of him to still be in love with his ex-boyfriend and waiting for him to go back to Jerry. And get back together they did. That was when I met Harry, the notorious boyfriend.

Harry and I got along quite well and it was good for the next couple of a months until Harry left Jerry again for reasons that would remain a secret. So it was awkward for a while. I hung out with both of them so much that it was weird for me to see them apart. I managed for a while until I started dating Damien. It was then everything fell apart. The murderous rampage between Jerry's "love" for Harry and Harry not wanting anything to do with Jerry became a complete season of mini-series for gay men to digest while wearing their mother's pearls. I was caught in the middle again and not only that, it caused me and Damien to have a huge argument which started another chain of events that caused us to break up.

After that, I stopped hanging out with Jerry. It was too much to handle; him trying to mind-fuck Damien into his bullshit, asking me every month whether I'm dating Harry (the answer is no and will forever be a NO, I'm not attracted to him like that and vice versa. Can't he get it into this thick skull?), calling me just to check up and spy on Harry, etc.

I became a lot closer to Harry; we shared the same interests, sense of humour, activities, etc. So we started hanging out almost every single day. Then two weeks ago I received a message from Jerry, after a month or so without picking up his calls and replying his messages. He asked me again and accused me of having a relationship with Harry again. In the message he started to name the places where Harry and I had been to and told me that friends do not hang out together that much. In other words, he was trying to dictate how I should treat my friends.

I got pissed.

I replied him after weeks of carefully screening my calls and ignoring his messages and said that what I do with my friends has absolutely nothing to do with him. I told him not to patronize me and since he liked to throw the word "FRIEND" around and abuse it, that if he was any friend of mine he would not be accusing me of this time and time again. He replied and accused me again and tried to be rational and said that he has no right to tell me what to do but I should know that he is still not over him and that I should not stand in his way and stop hanging out with his beloved Harry.

I got even more pissed.

I angrily tapped away at my phone telling him that it's good for him that he is not over Harry and that it is none of my business, their relationship had already cost me to have a big argument with Damien and that if he continues to act in this manner it would cost him a friend.

After this, I figured that I should not waste my time with such utter nonsense and I deleted the next couple of text messages from Jerry without even reading it.

He tried calling me the next couple of days after that incident; 50 over times on a Tuesday, 30 over on a Wednesday and a couple of random ones the following days, totaling it to a whooping 100+ calls! He also sent me a couple of messages and as usual, I ignored it and chucked it in the trash.

Just yesterday I went down to Port Dickson with my friends to have a barbecue and get drunk over Vodka Jello, beer and my disgustingly yummy spiked fruit punch. The food was good, the mood was elevating and it was pretty awesome to say the least, all to be ruined by a single message from Jerry.

I hate to cut and paste but I don't know how else to elaborate on this.

Ethan, i seriously warn you from seeing harry again. I know i have no rights to stop you but pls dont force me to fm something while i am out of control. I can do anything for harry. I know he is going down to pd and meet you. Remember what i said.

I don't know what to say to that, or even how to react. So I just forwarded this message to Harry and then told him that I do not want any trouble from Jerry and please ask him to fuck the hell off from my life and if he is planning to do anything to cause trouble, I will contact the police immediately (a tactic formerly used on random strangers who harass me on the phone).

An hour later I received another message from Jerry.

I tell you ethan, you are shit and betraying your fren. I am not worry abt anything coz i know harry is the most important person in my life. You better talk to me abt this or else i will do whatever necessary. I have been trying to be nice to you. I know where you stay.

What the fuck? First he's dictating how I should live my life, and now he's threatening me? I don't respond very well to threats. Especially when my home and my family is involved. Knowing that the police would do absolutely nothing, I called Harry and told him to sort his shit out and not to involve me in this weird three-way relationship. If he does not I will resort to contacting Jerry's family on my own.

What the fuck did I do to deserve being threatened? Because I am hanging out with Harry? And why the fuck should I listen to Jerry and care about his feelings? It's not like he bothered about mine when I broke up with Damien or the times that I got my heart crushed. All he did was just relate it to him and Harry and talk about their problems and how it is even worse for him.

That selfish little fuck is insane. He seriously has lost his marbles and instead of taking it out on the person that's responsible for his obsession and craziness, he takes it out on me. Not only that, now he has resorted to threats to achieve his goal.

As I said, I do NOT like being threatened.

If it's a game of threat and chance he wants, then let the game begin.

The Tradition Lives On

2008-06-18T04:51:00.000-07:00

Once every year marks the occasion that is a constant reminder one is getting older. Tomorrow is that day for me and the saga of bad birthdays continues.

Last year I spent my faux birthday with a couple of friends and got drunk. On the real day my mother got me a cake. She was watching her Wa Lai Toi on Astro after dinner and I had to wait for a commercial before I went downstairs, lit the candles and call her to come down to cut the cake with me. After I blew out the candles, she went back to her Hong Kong series whilst I took out the candles and dumped it in the garbage and put the half cut cake back in. We didn't even eat it. I received a birthday message the next day.

The circle of life does go on and I continue to force myself to be happy. Today it was cut short when I was speaking to my father about application of jobs here. He didn't have time and wanted to speak to me tomorrow. I asked him if he knew what day it was tomorrow.

He replied, "....Thursday."

I don't think he remembers my birthday every year and has to be reminded by my mother or my sister whereas the day of my sister's birth is imprinted in his skull.

So I sit here.

I write.

I listen to Billie Holiday.

The only person I know of in more pain than I am in now.

Freedom

2008-06-11T00:50:00.000-07:00

I'm free! Free from the constraints of Monash and studying! This is the moment where I say adieu to exams, assignments, presentations, etc.

I shall look forward. Look forward I shall, to an era of working till I drop dead and retire. What a fabulous life it is.

Anyway I manage to get a couple of shots (with the help of my paparazzi friend) of the vigil I went to in Kamunting. Enjoy!

BMW - Bitching, Moaning, Whining.

2008-06-03T21:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever woke up and wondered, "What am I doing?".

In these past few days I've been slightly blue and I can't seem to pinpoint the reason why, so I'm going to be lazy and uncreative and list the reasons here.

Ethan's Excuses For Being Blue
1) Exam stress.
2) The realization that I'm graduating and I will no longer be a student. The transition from study to work is frightening.
3) Leaving Malaysia for work.
4) Listening to emo music these past few days.
5) The time of the year. June.

In my past entries, I have always been bitching about the fact that my birthday sucked and this year, it's not going to be any different; I'm going to sit here and whine and moan like an old man in an old folk's home being visited by his unfilial family.

Think about it, I'm a year closer to death. I'm going to have to be matured and grow up. I'll be 24, not 23, not 22, not 19 (Ethan CAN count!). This sucks big time.

Watch out world. I'm a bitter old man in the making.

A Date With Destiny

2008-05-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

A mother once told her daughter after she got married that it is Yuan Fen. She asked her mother what that meant. After a minute of silence, the mother replied "It is an apportionment of love which is destined for you in this world."

-Hunger by Lan Samantha Chang-

Biodata Shmiodata

2008-05-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't know going on a study trip was that hard. I have to write a biodata about myself and I really do hate writing about myself (how conceited!). So I came up with this.

Ethan was born out of a rock and became a flower at the tender age of 16. Traveling up the wall, reaching for the roof; he waters himself daily and covers himself with fertilizer and makes sure he gets enough sunlight to grow. Grow he did, into a beautiful butterfly. It stares at victims with its beady eyes, watching them go about their daily business. The butterfly snares its prey through its wings and unhinges its jaws to swallow the prey whole. The food is then digested through acids and screams for mercy as its skin slowly dissolves into a massive pulp of flesh. What a pretty butterfly! *floats away*

How random.

Most Haunted

2008-05-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

Malaysia; a land of "multi-culturalism". We believe it to be a place where all ethnicities live in racial harmony and there is no conflict between races and religion. Bullshit.

We live in a society where religion plays a big part of our lives; being Buddhist, Taoist, Muslim, Christian - we all separate ourselves into certain religious groups and identities. The thing that ties our identities together is the fact that we all believe in spirits; whether it's angelic or demonic is up to us to decide.

In oriental cultures, we believe in ghosts; spirits that come back from the dead to finish unfinished businesses and haunt the living. I am currently being haunted by several ghosts. Ghosts that seem to disrupt my life and send me in a whirlpool of emotions. Ghosts of my relationships past.

I see them everywhere. The picture we took together in Genting, where we looked like nothing could kill our love for each other, quietly and strategically placed in the corner of my room. The gift he gave me out of the blue, just to cheer me up. The teddy bear he sent to me lying on my bed, its black eyes seem to stare at me with pity. I am haunted everyday of my life, knowing that my relationships failed and could never again be resurrected.

A friend once told me, "You would know when you encounter a ghost; the hairs on your back would stand up and you would get cold shivers. So when you encounter a ghost (pauses and knocks on wood), you just have to acknowledge it and ask it to leave."

I came back home from lectures today to a room filled with negative juju energy. As I walked into my room, I found a pile of papers carefully and neatly placed on my table. The moment I looked at it, I immediately felt discomfort and remembered what my friend told me. It was a phone bill, amounting to quite a figure. As I flipped through the pages, the number with the highest amounts kept on appearing. It was his number.

I thought that ending relationships were like encounters with ghosts - you acknowledge its presence and ask it to leave. That was exactly what I did in my previous relationship.

But now I just feel more haunted than ever.

Looking Forward To Looking Back On These Days

2008-05-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's been an awful week. Let me count the ways.

1) Assignment deadlines popping everywhere.
2) Exams coming up real soon. (Super Stress Power!)
3) Com-poo-ter got struck by lightning during a storm; replaced motherboard and power supply for a whooping RM550.
4) Assignment due the day after com-poo-ter got struck.
5) Stumbled across an ex's profile to see that he's dating a guy that I was interested in. (Sigh...)
6) Bumped into another ex in a supermarket (of all places!) to find that he's with the guy that he had a thing with while he was with me.
7) Got molested by some guy after I passed out from drinking too much. Okay, maybe this is a good thing so I shall put it in my Happy section.

If these things don't constitute to a breakdown, I don't know what would.

I'm suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of insecurity. Everyone seems capable of moving on a having a sustainable relationship. So why can't I? I refuse to believe that Fate hasn't handed me the right guy yet or that it's written in stone that I will be a bachelor forever.

It's alright if it's one failed relationship or maybe two, but going through various ways of heartbreak, I've got to ask myself; is it me?!?!

I've been good. I've been faithful. I've tried the monogamous approach to relationships. Still I can't seem to find a reason to why I'm not able to sustain a long term relationship. And the question still rings on in my head, the question I dread being asked; why are you still single? Like hell I know! And there's always the generic answer from them - "Oh maybe you're just too picky".

Excuse me, while I recap my life. I've dated the undesirables. Trust me, they're equally as bad.

Mayhap answers will come to me when I least expect it.

So I'll wait.

And I'll wait.

And I'll wait.

But only till the next guy who comes along.

Stalker Potential

2008-05-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

The Annexe at Central Market has hot guys. I'll be hanging out there for the rest of the week.

I just went for this Alternative Book Fair held at the Central Market Annexe and damn there were a lot of things happening such as the talks given by Farish Noor and a couple of other intellectuals (I would write their name here but I totally forgot). I paid attention to their talks of course, but with my eyes wandering around and iRaping men. Yum yum. What a good day Saturday was. The energy was fantastic and I have a new victim to stalk (hoo-ray for art). A very yummilicious artist by the name of Mun Kao. I bought a shirt from him knowing very well I wouldn't be able to fit in it. That's how sad I am. But let's face it, it's for a good cause; supporting cute artists.

Yeap, I shall stalk him until he agrees to be mine and mine forever. HUAHAHAHAAHA!

He's THAT Fergielicious.

Hello Whiskey? It's Me, Ethan

2008-04-29T06:45:00.000-07:00

Indifference is the key to survival. I'm fortunate enough to learn this through my last relationship and I will deploy this in my recent break up.

I refuse to hate him. What's the point? Lying cheating bastards don't deserve to be hated or even any feelings felt towards them.

So I turn to my good old friend, Mr Johnnie Walker. He's been around since I learnt how to love.

Anyway guys with looks, money, wit, charisma, they all come and go. What matters is having a fantastic bottle of whiskey near.

Cheers!

Murder On The Study Table

2008-04-23T09:26:00.000-07:00

Losing your mind? Come join the club.

My table is piled with notes and books on Feminism and Post Colonial theories as well as notes on immigrants from Third World Countries. My deadline for my Mobile Worlds: Immigration and Refugees assignment is due on Friday, I have a presentation tomorrow which should be spoken in Malay and the fact that my Post Colonial and Diaspora Literature assignment (worth 40%) is due on Monday doesn't help my sanity one bit. Ass-ignments are piling day by day and the deadline is getting closer by the second.

My brain is about to explode.

Don't kill me.

I'm already dead.

Bangkok Fever

2008-04-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

I finally got back home in one piece, missing the crowd and the festiveness of Songkran (the Thai water festival to signify the New Year). I'll be going back again for sure, maybe sometime next year or hopefully sooner than I plan. I had a blast there, spraying water from my water gun at straighties, gay men, lesbos and trannies; trannies are the best to spray water at since they start dancing when you douse them with water. They just love the attention.

I took a couple of photos and will probably upload more since I couldn't bring my non-waterproof camera out during Songkran. Anyway, I was fiddling around with the camera trying to gain some experience in shots and stuff I learnt from my photographer friends. Enjoy.

Me and Miss Pat-McGroin on the bus to the LCCT Airport.

The ceiling of the bus. Looks like a LCD TV eh?

I thought this shot was cool. I didn't want to do the cliche shot of taking pictures out of airplane windows so I took one of the window of the plane.

Experimenting.

We arrived in the hot country of Bangkok and immediately throw ourselves in the comfort of an air-conditioned car.

And I found a stray hair on Tong's shoulder.

The cabs in BKK are a lot happier looking.

The front of the hotel.

Tong in the lobby.

The fountain right outside our hotel.

I made it look hugesque.

My favourite beer - Singha. Alcohol is bloody cheap in Thailand, this cost me only 40 Bhat which is only 4RM.

So after walking around we had to stop for dinner. Where did we go? A place called MK.

Poor stuffed Tong. There was a lot of food.

Some artsy fartsy statue.

Tong, Pat and me in a bar called Bearbie.

And right outside DJ station (a famous gay club) was the road side food stall selling pork everything. Incredibly yummy.

We went to a temple the next day.

This picture I like. It was incredibly serene inside the temple.

Wat Hua Lamphong (I think I spelt it wrong)

The place is breath-taking.

We had to take off our slippers to enter. A sign of respect.

The very next day was Songkran. We had to get some rest before that happens.

Near Alister's place was this Japanese hooker area. I had to take a picture with the Godzilla.

MBK Mall.

The only reliable food to have in BKK is the Pad Thai.

A big faux bowl with steam rising from it.

In the middle of Siam Paragon is this small pond.

It was quite a pleasant surprise.

It looked so good I had to take a few photos of it.

Looks tranquil doesn't it?

The shape of the floors.

There were a lot of artistic furniture in Paragon.

This is hilarious - a white guy falling asleep in a mall.

The internet cafes were something else.

And in front of the internet cafe was this huge thing-a-ma-jig and it flipped every 5 seconds.

To this.

And this.

Siam Paragon is pretty cool.

The fountain outside Siam Paragon.

Pretty much the same. I just needed to get a better angle.

At night, my Thai friend, Jug took me to this place which had the BEST dry Suki I've ever tasted.

And it was located in Chinatown.
This is Jug.

And this is me, waiting for the dry Suki with anticipation.

Later Jug took me around Chinatown to try out different foods. This was one of the spiciest soup I've ever tasted. One whiff of the pepper-filled soup would send you on a trip of Sweatville.

And things must finally come to an end.

Although we couldn't get enough of it.

It was a fantastic trip.

Malfunction; Abort

2008-04-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago, some friends gathered to meet for an event called Re-inventing The City where a visual performance on various cities like Seoul, Hanoi and Kuala Lumpur was shown. Some of the visuals were breathtakingly beautiful and after experimenting with shots on my pathetic camera phone and learning a couple of techniques from my photographer friends, I could see how angles were used and what shots worked and what didn't. I'll be experimenting with my new camera soon and hopefully I could come up with some excellent photos to put up.

So after the visual performance, we all met up in this overrated local coffee shop and started to talk about social issues such as religion. The topic which started it off and brought in quite a few different debates was abortion. I am Pro-Life, so I found the lighthearted chat about getting pregnant and just going for an abortion morose. Abortion should not be taken lightheartedly and is something that we should not abuse. It disgusts me to think that teenagers and men and women in their 20s are not taking an initiative to prevent pregnancy and think that abortion is a quick-fix solution to their problem, especially when condoms (even though it works 98% of the time) and birth control are easily available.

Then there's the question of what if the woman is raped and got pregnant with a bastard child? I know it isn't easy, but there's always the solution of giving the child up for adoption. A friend of mine also brought up the notion of legalizing abortion but having guidelines on whether a candidate is viable for abortion. I think that is a pretty good idea, but being realistic it would not work. It's idealistic and people always find loopholes to abuse it. Even though I don't fully believe in God, I believe that people should not play the role of Shiva and decide who lives and who dies.

We are living in a cesspool world were morals and ethics are no longer black and white.

Everything is just a shade of grey.

Angry Gay Boy

2008-04-02T01:52:00.000-07:00

An avid reader of my blog once asked me, "Why am I never mentioned in your blog?". I thought for a while and tried to be as diplomatic as possible before answering his question.

Finally I said, "Because you're not significant enough for me to be blogging about."

I don't think he visits my blog anymore.

I recently handed in my registration form for a film-making class; hopefully it'll inspire me to be creative as well as give me a good reason to live. I also handed my registration form for the study trip to Siam Reap and I just received news that I am the selected few that will be visiting the beautiful and sad country.

Life has been settling down, I'm attending classes (I should be in one right now but decided against it since it's such a lovely rainy evening and it shouldn't be wasted constraint in an underground lecture hall), my love life is going fairly well, I've been busy with activities that I set up for myself and I am hoping the messy friendship status would clear itself up without my presence.

I'm also heading to Bangkok next week on the 9th to the 14th which is a fantastic get-away from the hectic life in Malaysia.

I'm feeling rather content with myself apart from a few minor details. Things seem to be coming into place.

Except for one incident that happened a few days ago. I was driving along the roads of Petaling Jaya (Kota Damansara to be exact) when a small incident happened. I was signaling to turn to the left lane since I needed to turn left to head back to my place when this bitch from hell charged straight into the left lane and didn't let me through. I was signaling for 3 minutes and she still didn't let me through. She also had the decency to look straight at me from her new Midnight Blue Honda Civic with the plastic covers still in tact and gave me the most evil and snobbish look that I had ever seen. I was pissed. And I was going to raise hell. She probably didn't know that hell hath no fury than a poked bear.

So she turned left and I turned left. She then slowed down drastically and almost caused me to hit into her. I overtook her to pleasantly see that she was on the phone, probably securing the pact she made with Lucifer about her army of evil bitches going through their periods overtaking Earth. Rage seethed through my body and I felt my eyes burning with anger. What would you do if you were in my position?

So I went back into her lane, making sure I was in front of her. I slowed down to a painstakingly turtle pace and waited for her to overtake me. When she did, I sped and went over to the next lane, making very sure she was stuck behind me for the stretch on the road. I repeated this a couple of times until she got really pissed and tried to overtake me again when I really sped up and made sure she fell behind. Our cars almost smacked into each other and she slammed her brakes. It was then I heard the screaming of the horns from her car.

Then my car window came down and all she saw was my arm and a middle finger sticking out as I sped off into the sunset.

Yes. I know. I need anger management classes.

No Sleep Tonight

2008-03-29T14:40:00.001-07:00

It's 5.40AM in the morning. I just got home from a night at Genting with Jarvis and Mitchel; a dreadful night indeed. The whole evening was spent pleading Jarvis to stop gambling, cut his losses and go home since I was promised that we'd leave at 2. I contemplated on the idea of taking a cab back from Genting, but with 40 bucks in my wallet and at 3.30AM in the morning, I decided against it and just wait.

The hot topic during the trip to Genting was about Jarvis' boyfriend, Heath, whom I have in the recent months became really close to. I was subjected to being accused of having an affair with him and also not being a good friend since I did not meddle in J & H's relationship by taking Jarvis' side.

I try to be a good friend. I honestly do. These are people who are quite important in my life, people whom I have grown accustomed to. It really upsets me that someone whom I have known for a while would accuse me of fucking his boyfriend and fooling around with him behind his back. Despite constant reassurance, he still feels as if there is something going on between both of us, even though he knows very well I'm dating someone special and that Heath and I are absolutely not attracted to each other.

Why should I be the one who should be talking to Heath about their relationship problems? I feel as if I'm in the middle of a battlefield and the only one who will end up getting hurt and losing friends is me. Here is Jarvis, pouring his pain and sorrow to Mitchell while I kept quiet at the backseat of the car, and then Mitchell starts to lecture me about how I should act as a "friend". I apparently should speak to H and ask him why he wants to treat J that way and etc etc. Isn't that another way of asking me to take sides and say that H is totally wrong? I've seen things that I shouldn't have seen, I know things I should not know. I've been keeping quiet all this time and not judging anyone despite what they've done. Why am I being subjected to all this when I feel as if I have done what any friend would have done?

I am cursed if I do, I'm cursed if I don't. I don't know what I've done to deserve this.

Serenity

2008-03-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

Someone once sent me an e-mail with the content on dating; something about going on hundreds of bad dates so when the right one comes along you'll know it. We meet people all the time, whether it's on the streets of Kuala Lumpur, in the local watering hole or online at various dating websites.

I recently met someone a couple of days ago whom I can really fall for. He's got a wicked sense of humour, devilishly cute, the whole package. We've been on a couple of dates and it's awkward for me since I almost never have these sort of feelings just after meeting anyone. This got me thinking, do I really like the guy or am I so starved for a relationship that I imagined myself a great guy? I started to wonder whether the person who wrote the e-mail about the bad dates was on crack or in the same position that I am in.

I brought him to meet a couple of my friends and they seem to like him a lot. One of which said to me "I've never seen you this happy" and then started scowling at me when we held hands or pecked each other's cheeks. I suppose there is a limit to the amount of PDA when you're around friends.

There are also some things that I'm afraid to ask and yet is on my mind constantly. Are we dating? Are we boyfriends? Or are we just two people who enjoy each other's company and have great sex? I try to tell myself (and him) that I rather not go through the technicality of labeling what we are and defining our relationship so therefore we are undefinable. Makes life a lot easier.

So I'll just wait....and see how this goes.

Judgemental Judies and Julians

2008-03-18T10:48:00.001-07:00

I'm not a saint nor a sinner; I'm human.

We are often critiqued and judged almost every single day in our lives; especially in Malaysia where we are surrounded by Holier-Than-Thou personalities in every corner we turn. As I sat across from a University friend, critiquing her writing, it occurred to me that some people can not take criticisms very well. My friend did take it as positive and constructive criticism, although I suspect she's not really listening to me at all.

That got me thinking; do we really have the right to critique the people around us, or dare I say judge complete strangers? We do it everyday of our lives without even realizing it. Putting on our Judge's robes and pointing fingers at people, telling what they should do and what they shouldn't, is that really human nature? Or are we basically nurtured into thinking that it is human nature to judge?

I recently got a bad review from an ex of mine telling me I shouldn't be doing this and that, as well as being shocked to certain things I have done. This coming from a 31 year old man who on the last conversation we had called me a dickhead. I suppose we do want to fit into this mould of being perfect, so no one can be able to criticize or point their witchy-poo finger at us. But what happens if you do something that breaks this mould of perfection?

Everyone knows that it takes a lifetime to build a great and fantastic reputation, but it only takes one bad review to shatter it all. I'm pondering, since I'm not seen as a saint in the eyes of people, why should I make myself one? I might as well do whatever the hell I want and live my life carefree of being judged.

Life is too short to be so self-aware and creating this "image" for oneself. So why not live life the way you want?

As long as you know the difference from right and wrong, I say go for it.

What Lies Before Me

2008-03-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

A pencil

A stapler

A book

A vodka martini

Then nothing....

Nothing....

Nothing....

Blinding headache.

Randomness

2008-03-06T08:32:00.000-08:00

The moon peels my heart like an onion, what remains when I'm removed of my defenses?

I was going through my computer drives when I stumbled across some interesting photos that I personally took. Now honestly I wish I had the "eye" for capturing the beauty in photographs but unfortunately I fail miserably at my attempt to do so. So here goes nothing.

This was taken right outside my balcony a couple of months back. I was experimenting. Oh right, these photos were all taken from my camera phone. Go Motorola/Sony Ericson!

My messy room. The shot was Pandemic.

As I said, I was experimenting.

My favourite place.

Some place in Singapore. I thought the fountain was uber cool.

This is actually a hanging lamp taken from one of my mummy's houses. I shot it cause I thought it looked interesting. The only one where my hands weren't shaking.

What do we do in class?

I can't remember what class this was. Obviously since I wasn't paying attention and taking photos of my Marlboros and water bottle.

There you go. The utmost random photos ever.

Ex. One-0-One

2008-03-04T07:34:00.001-08:00

Eugene looked up at the midnight sky and wished for his life to end. Standing over the cliff that overlooked the city of Kuala Lumpur, his hazel brown eyes started to moisten. No one expected such a huge man to cry over anything, or anyone, but the pellets of tears formed and stung like hot coals as it rolled down his almost perfect skin.

The wind carried the smell of fresh dew and flowed through his dark brown hair. Breathing was now a chore and small yelps escaped his soft lips with every breath he took. The tears gathered at the tip of his goatee and fell onto the ground, occasionally nicking and creating stains on his white t-shirt and faded blue jeans. Like a broken marionette, Eugene slumped onto the ground and closed his eyes.

A grey Proton hummed loudly behind him and drowned out the nearby crickets, but the whispers of his name still lingers in the air. If limbo existed on Earth, he was in it. Time stood still, he could feel the world waiting for him to do it. He couldn’t bring himself to. Not until he said goodbye to him. He opened his eyes and focused his sight on the bright lights of the beautiful city.

Slowly, Eugene turned his back and walked towards his car. He opened the door to the driver’s seat and looked down at the bloody body of his former lover. He was choking on a dark murky substance, the same substance that leaked from the puncture wounds on his abdomen and stained the insides of the vehicle. Eugene contorted his upper body into the car and whispered into his ear.

“If I can’t have you, no one can. Goodbye…Christian.”

With that, Eugene released the brakes.

Copyrighted By Ethan Lim.
You Steal, I Kill.

The Illusion Of Being Delusional

2008-03-03T08:50:00.000-08:00

Being single in a life of endless amounts of sexual conquests, one might feel the dire need to settle down with someone they have chemistry with. So when it comes to the tales of relationships and love, if you're not attracted to someone who is attracted to you, what is the best possible way to say No?

Meeting people that I thought I would have a connection with, I realize that it is hard to find someone whom I am able to connect with emotionally and mentally. Especially with guys around my age or younger than I am; they tend to think on a whole different level. Not to say that I am matured for my age, I'd like to think that they haven't experienced the shit the world has to offer them yet.

The last guy I dated was a disaster waiting to happen. Conflicted by his issues of wanting to look like a stereotypical Greek God and not having it, he hides himself behind a mask of delusion; reassuring everyone around him that he may not be good looking, but at least some guy/girl is checking him out. To believe that beauty is determined by others is a crock of shite. A bigger load of shite is when you're trying to convince the people around you that you are indeed the epitome of beauty.

I am currently going through a revolving door of bad dates and people that are generally bad for me and my Achilles' heel is that I can't seem to bring myself to say No or I'm not interested. Instead I wait. I wait for them to realize that I secretly want to rip off my leg so I have something to beat them with.

A guy that I am not attracted to at all, not even on the primary level of communication, just told me that I am the right person for him and he wants to "go after" me. With what? A pitchfork? So that he can stab me and sell my organs in the black market to buy his next Louis Vuitton man-bag? Huh...

Well I did the worst thing possible. I lied. I'm not going to say how I lied but I am not proud of it. I just can't seem to bring myself to say, "Hey, you're materialistic and you're shallow. Also you're more flamboyant than Pepe Le Pew. Sorry but this just ain't gonna work out."

So basking in my shame and with my tail in between my legs, I bowed out before I got myself into something I could not handle again.

Not because I choose to. It's because I have to.

Can't You Just Adore Him?

2008-03-01T07:08:00.000-08:00

Someone once said that two halves make a whole. Is that why we all feel the need to have a spouse or a lover?

Coming back from my high school friend's wedding reception, I felt a twinge the emotional baggage I thought I had left behind. I watched her from afar, going from table to table with her newly wed husband and thought to myself, I had never seen her this happy my entire life; even though it was a shotgun wedding. I do suppose that the pregnancy was a blessing in disguise; she has been together with him for 5 years and seeing them together, I have to say that they were meant for each other.

The bride came over and talked to me for a while, and also unexpectedly tried to set me up with a lecturer from a local college. Even during wedding dinners, I'm being shunned for being single. My high school classmates whom I had not seen for a couple of years kept asking me, "Why are you single?". Like I don't get asked that question enough. I don't even know how to answer a question like that. Even if I do, why should I be subjected to the sympathetic faces they give? So I did what all single people do. Make generic jokes about being tied down.

Deep inside I know. I know it's rather lonely at times and sitting and waiting for my friends to arrive, I realized how good it is to have a partner there with you. I waited for an hour and a half for my high school friends to show up (they apparently got stuck in traffic), and I just sat there alone.

I guess that was it.

I am alone.

And it was made apparent when the dinner started and I didn't know where to sit. So I waited for the familiar faces to arrive. I had a lot of time to sit and think about what was going on in my life. I had this overwhelming emotion of missing a part of myself. Is there actually something fundamentally wrong with me that I can't seem to be able to retain a relationship?

I just couldn't help but feel like I'm life's latest mistake.

Twenty3

2008-02-25T09:56:00.000-08:00

They only want you when you're 17. When you're 23, you're no fun.

To think back and reminisce about things that have come to pass, I realized I started clubbing and drinking alcohol at the tender age of 15. Going down to the bars in Bangsar Baru, getting drunk on cheap beers and making an utter fool of myself; this is what we do when we were teenagers. That was when we had not a care in the world. Entering the early stages of my 20s, I realized how much I miss being a teenager; carefree and living life the way I choose to. Now I have to think of the future and plan my life out.

I'm hitting a crossroad in my life. I'm graduating soon and since my father has retired from the corporate world, I will have to find a job the minute I finish my exams. I suppose this is life. Reality has unfolded itself upon my eyes and it's not a pretty sight. Naivety is such a bliss.

To make matters even worse, I realized what a boring person I am. I don't like to club anymore, getting drunk now is an expensive luxury, something which I can not afford everyday and being sober in a club is not worth my time. So I sit at home, waiting and wondering what I can do to pass time. Go out with friends for a drink? Nah, most of them stay so far away and the ones that I called already have plans. So what to do? I know! Go on Youtube and search for the dumbest things that people post up. Sure.

So I sit there, watching clips on Youtube for a couple of hours until my eyes dry out. Am I really that pathetic now? I used to go out almost every single day, sometimes even twice or three times (going home just to shower). I used to be spontaneous, heading up to Genting just to have coffee and then come back down for work at the local watering hole. I used to be able to club for hours, head to LQ at around 10PM, drink until I'm high and dance like there's no tomorrow. What happened to me?

I'll tell you what happened. I got older. I'm officially OLD. I feel like my tired old bones can't take anymore.

I've been there. I've done that. It's now time to retire.

Cruelty

2008-02-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

Being single in Malaysia sometimes isn't a choice, it's more of a lifestyle. I didn't choose to be single. Life just hasn't handed me the right guy to settle down with yet. Handing me potatoes instead of lemons, I just have to deal with the fact that I can't make lemonade with what life has given me; instead I will choose to make mash potatoes.

Choosing to go out with a couple is a choice that I had to choose tonight. Going out with J & H tonight was fun, we used to hang out with each other almost every week but since there were the holidays and traveling involved, plus work on their side we didn't have much time to catch up with each other.

It's difficult being friends with two people who are involved in a relationship. First of all when they are having a fight, they tend to make you choose between both of them. Which one is right? Which one is wrong? No one knows what goes on behind closed doors so why bother choosing a side? So one would choose to either listen to each argument and silently curse the day they were born or ignore the situation all together.

Did I ever do anything that was this cruel to you?

It's a lot more difficult to ignore if the couple is fighting in front of you; it's like watching a mini drama unfold upon your eyes. So watch I did, and I kept quiet. It's different in this scenario since one of them talks to me about their problems and the other one doesn't. I feel bad for one of them, since I peeped through the keyhole of their relationship's door. But being a friend, I choose not to be judgmental over their situation. After all, what are friends for?

I learned my lesson. When faced with this situation where a melodramatic Korean soap drama is happening in front of you, the best thing to do is grab a menu, hunker down and pray for daylight.

Mii Want Wii

2008-02-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

When possibilities are infinite and everything comes with a price tag, it's no wonder how a notorious credit card company came up with the advertising gimmick of things being priceless. What a crock of shite. We live in a materialistic world where anything and everything can be bought. Take a look at what's on E-bay; nutty people selling rights to their names, virginities which are being auctioned off. Hmmm, I wonder when the dawn of reckoning will come.

So being a human nerd, I have decided to divert my attention from watching too much x-tube into getting a Nintendo Wii. Checking out prices in different places that's around my area. I figured if I pay a bit more it saves me the hassle of lugging it back all the way to Low Yat Plaza in Kuala Lumpur. So I took a look at the prices in Cineleisure, 1 Utama, etc.

Lookatit! So shiny and clean and minimal.

I spoke to several friends about it, voicing my concerns about the modified consoles, playing it online, crashing the system, etc. I'm still on the bench when it comes to games as well. As a bimbotic avid gamer, I like my hardcore RPGs and fighting games that involve absolutely no usage of braincells; I need them later on in life. Unfortunately for the games in Wii, they require hand gestures and spinning and other sort of nonsensical movements. And apparently quite a few people around the world are getting hurt by the Wiimote; as it is cordless and used as a hand held pointing device, people swing and throw and twirl their Wiimotes, totally unaware of their environment and hence breaking televisions, lamps and hurting people around them. Looks like interactive gaming increases medical bills as well.

Dislocated knees, bruised eyes, cut fingers. Who would have known that Lil ol' Wii could have done that? Scary photos and Wii problems can be viewed here

So, to Wii or not to Wii? That is the question.

Early Shocker

2008-02-13T21:45:00.000-08:00

Waking up to a beautiful Thursday morning, I'm suddenly reminded that it's Valentine's Day so I pulled my duvet over my head and continued to sleep. I slept in the wee hours of the morning, many thanks to Family Guy and their addictive sarcastic idiocy. I was woken up by a phone call. Dreading it was a friend of mine whom is bugging to meet me today, I screened my call.

Feeling really bad about not answering the call, I called back only to find it was one of my high school friends. What a great start to a fantastic afternoon. She asked me whether I was free sometime in March or so, I told her most probably and this is how the conversation went from there:

Sai: I'm having this dinner thing sometime early in March. Do you think you're able to make it?
Ethan: Yeah, I should be. I'm always free.
Sai: Alright that's good! I'm getting married then.
Ethan: WHAT!

Yes folks, she's getting married. There's nothing wrong with marriage, it's just that at our age we should be enjoying our youth instead of double knotting relationships. So it came as a shocker to me to find a friend of mine whom I haven't seen or spoken to in a long time suddenly called me to tell me she's getting married. I was ecstatic. But that's not all.

Ethan: So who's the lucky guy?
Sai: Do you remember Steven? The guy I've been trying to dump for the past 5 years? Yeah it's him.
Ethan: Holy cow! Seriously that's great. That's better than great that's fantastic.
Sai: Yeah. So aren't you going to ask me why is this so last minute?
Ethan: I'm afraid to.
Sai: I'm pregnant.
Ethan: ... CONGRATULATIONS!

I swear I didn't know what to say. I was already floored when she told me she's getting married, and now this. This seem to be a sort of trend in my high school; getting knocked up and shot gun weddings. As far as I know, so far there are 5 of them who has succumbed to this.

But honestly I'm happy for her. Really. I am.

Lady Luck

2008-02-13T10:17:00.001-08:00

In the Chinese world of astrology, endless amount of Gods and Demi-Gods and believing that some food are apparently "heaty" (a word which only exists in Chinese infested parts of the world and cannot be explained thoroughly), we believe that for some people born under the year of specific animals to have terrible or fantastically miraculous luck. Chinese New Year is the best time of the year to read up on your own personal Zodiac and find out when is the best time to start businesses or start relationships, etc.

I love reading and listening to people talk about those born under the year of the *insert one of the Chinese Zodiac animals here*. It's interesting to see their reaction when they find out they'll have bad luck during the year; they'll start visiting temples, buying Feng Shui ornaments to place around the house or to wear. I do suppose it's a marketing gimmick for those who are devout believers.

I recently acquired this red book, one which they have every Chinese New Year, which speaks about specific Chinese Zodiac animals and give advice for those who believe in them. I came across mine; I'm born under the Year of the Rat so apparently there are different beliefs to whether this year will be smooth sailing for me or not. In this book, my animal offended the Tai Sui. I don't know who he is but he's supposedly some big shot in the Chinese religions, possibly Taoist. So here I was, reading about my fortune for the year when I came across this part called Education. I can't exactly plagiarize whatever they wrote but in a nutshell it said something along the lines of this: "Those born under the Year of the Rat have to study hard to pass their examinations".

After reading that section, I closed the book and chucked it aside.

First & Foremost

2008-02-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

It is time to start an actual blog, instead of posting my entries on Fridae. I realized how much I've been missing out on the action here and I'm going to start by posting the 200 over entries which I've done from the time I've been on Fridae (which is 2004) till now.

Happy reading.

Doing The Dishes

2008-02-09T03:46:00.000-08:00

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! It's the festive time of the year for most people, visiting relatives, having dinner with the family, pretty much stuffing each others faces with biscuits, crackers and pastries.

With such holidays come a much needed time off for working men and women. So relaxing at home is a must, or if what you consider relaxing is a day out and getting drunk at night; no one's judging. I spent the first two days doing absolutely nothing except hanging out at home and at my uncle's palace-like bungalow somewhere in a village. I also went to some gaming sessions at the local internet cafe, where I come out red eyed and desperately searching for a bed I can rest my fatigued self on.

A certain incident came to my attention which I found extremely rude. No naming names or what happened, I rather not speak about it. But I seemed to notice a trend in some people, where they think of themselves so much that they lose track of what's important to them or what's going on. These are the people who are able to dish things out and are not able to stand it being thrown back at them.

People who call someone else stupid or lazy or tell someone off should be able to take in nasty comments from another person. This is expected when one grows up and matures. This is what I expect of people when they make nasty comments about anyone. If you're able to say someone is really annoying and say "I hate people who annoy me", then do not (under any circumstances) annoy anyone else.

This sort of mentality has gotten me pissed because I'm very patient with my friends and also very understanding but when one crosses the line and slams his fist on the table, that's pretty much my limit. If it was any other person, I don't think they would accept that.

I can't hold a mirror and tell them, this is you. That's not my job. I think that people should evaluate themselves to be a better person instead of being stuck in this sort of mentality of delusional self image (I am, therefore I am). Why can't people see past themselves and think, I can be better?

Despite whatever happened, I harbor no ill-feelings towards whomever. I just feel disappointed that the respect I have towards people aren't lived up to.

Holiday Photos - Venice Part 2

2008-01-28T03:57:00.000-08:00

I took quite a few photos of various places in Venice. It's very limited and I didn't take much of myself or my family in it since all the photos here were taken on my phone. I spent 4 days in Venice, without a phone charger (although I switched it on to take photos and switched it off when I wasn't). Go Motorola!

Arrival, on the boat to San Zaccaria

One of the stations: Tronchetto

The place we stayed at, we had to walk 3 flights of steep stairs which was quite dangerous. Quaint place though.

The name of the place we stayed. We had to walk through this short alleyway to get to our accommodation.

Taken right outside the alleyway. So once we came out, this is what we saw.

The infamous canals of Venice.

The Museum on Saint Mark's Square. Just 5 minutes away from our cosy accommodation.

This is Saint Mark's Square.

One of the many churches in Venice. Also in Saint Mark's Square. Inside, we weren't allowed to take photos and you had to pay to go into various areas. I also helped out a Nun inside! How saintly is that?

The infamous Zodiac clock. The passageway underneath the clock led to...shops such as Gucci, Cartier, etc.

My windblown awful hair. I'm so glad I had it cut when I got back. I bought corn kernels and fed the pigeons (a.k.a. the rats of the sky) when I got attacked by a horde of them. This is the result.

You didn't think I missed taking pictures of the Gondolas did you? I didn't sit in it though, it was like 20 to 50 Euros just to breeze through one of the canals in Venice. Sigh...

Every 10 to 15 minutes walk there's always a statue of some saint or some thing or some one.

The details were incredible. I managed to get a close look at it.

After spending way too much time around Saint Marcos Square, we decided to venture out to another street and got lost. But we did manage to find this War Memorial Site which had a cannon in it. I was stopped from going in any further because we weren't supposed to be inside.

So came nightfall. We ventured onto the infamous Rialto Bridge. Beautiful sight, breathtaking scenery. Made me wish I came with a lover instead of my family.

This is the Rialto bridge. Filled with small shops selling Murano glass, the amazingly beautiful Venetian masks and jewelery.

The scenery was so amazing I had to take one with some of my family members. My dad is in it too! Can you see the black shading on top of my head? That's his finger blocking the whole top.

This is how the Rialto Bridge looks like from below.

Pizzas here are HUGE! And thick. And yummy. I had lasagne the whole time I was there. Oh how I miss the food...

Sunny day in Venice. With uber cold winds blowing in our face sending chills up and down our spines. I miss the weather as well...

Paolo Sarpi. What did I say about statues of people and things being everywhere? It's true. I didn't get to read about this guy though, everyone suddenly just disappeared on me.

So this concludes the tour of my journey in Venice and London. I hope you had a pleasant time going through my pictures! Next stop: Bangkok.

Note to viewers - If you had problem viewing any of the pictures please message me and tell me which one so I can fix it. Thanks!

Holiday Photos - England Part 1

2008-01-28T03:14:00.000-08:00

As promised I decided to upload my holiday photos up here. Hope you guys have fun viewing it! Click on the photos to enlarge it.

Arrival

Walking to the underground station

Yummy Mexican food at Camden Town

Yummy Mexican guy at Camden Town (hot!)

Gap @ Oxford Street

My pajama bottoms. I loved them so much I decided to take a photo of it. Can you see my crotch? Haha.

I think this was taken somewhere on Bond or Regent Street. The decoration was exquisite.

Leicester Square. Magical.

Thomas and I at Leicester Square. How I miss my Yau Yau.

The New Year's Funfair!

Crazy rides and crazy games.

My cousin and I. No I'm not crying.

I brought my cousins to the funfair, not once, not twice but three times.

Thomas and I somewhere near Soho.

There was another funfair behind us. I was sick of rides so we didn't get to go on any.

Nelson and I at some bar called...umm...Attic? I can't seem to remember the name of the pub but it was pretty cool there.

Turning Back & Facing Front

2008-01-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

1 2 3 4 5 6 9 or 10
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then.

Reminiscing about life, we ponder over the things that we regret doing. Haunted by the memories of things we've done that we're not proud of or are embarrassed of, I cringe every time I think about these situations. So, if we had the gift of time traveling (many thanks to Hiro Nakamura), is there anything in life you would do over again?

I'm often asked about my sexuality, whether I'm gay or bisexual. I answer whatever they want to hear. To me, my sexuality does not have to be explicit to everyone. And in addition, if I answer wrongly, there'll be a barrage of questions which I rather avoid answering. This got me thinking, if I could travel back in time, what could I have done to change my sexuality?

Maybe it was the constant moving of different countries that made me view relationships and friendships differently. Meeting new people all the time and never having someone whom I can call a friend, it's hard for a guy my age at that time. I was the odd one out, since most of the people during my high school had already established their friendships since elementary and middle school.

Could I possibly change my childhood and be one of the bullies instead of being bullied? During my elementary school days I remember saying "This is my friend." as I hugged my best friend from behind when the kids were telling me I had none. He left a year after that, leaving me to fend off the mean kids by myself.

But I digress, does this really matter? Is the answer to my life's problems as simple as being straight? Is it easier to fall in love when both parties are heterosexual?

It does seem easier at times, just to turn straight and fuck some girl, get her pregnant and live a life of work to support my unborn child and a mother-to-be. Or hang out with straight guys trolling pubs and clubs in order to get laid.

Maybe it is easier just being straight. It certainly is quite hard to fall in love and live a life of monogamy in the gay world of infinite choices.

But I rather live life the way I am now, idealistic as it is.

After all, who ever said life was easy?

Manifestations Of The Mind

2008-01-24T19:36:00.000-08:00

I have seen roses damasked, red and white. But no such roses see I in her cheeks.

Tonsillitis has struck and has struck me hard. Causing fever and a major
migraine, I finish off my gym by heading to the doctors only to half pass out in the clinic. Enhancins and Uphamols float in the air for me to consume daily and life has never been so boring the past few days since I've been barred from going to the gym from my GP.

But I digress.

I believe that negativity will manifest itself into harming your body. I held a
lot of angst towards some of my relatives when I was in UK , which I
believe to be the core explanation to me getting sick. For the 3 weeks I was there, I had absolutely no illnesses what-so-ever, not even a cold. Clutching on to the anger towards some of my relatives, I brought it back here without channeling it into something constructive which is why I got sick the very next day. It started off as a scratchy throat and in the next couple of days turned into something else.

Although this sounds like New Age mumbo jumbo, I do believe that the body has a mind of its own. After all people have adapted to moving to different countries with different weathers and different illnesses.

So I am being punished as my negativity and cynicism manifested itself in the form of tonsillitis and fever.

How I miss having someone to take care of me.

Inspiration

2008-01-16T01:26:00.000-08:00

It's not easy being right all the time, even though someone has to beCause feelings can be undermined, usually that someone turns out to be me

These past few days I've lost my inspiration to write. My brain isn't functioning at all and I seem to lose my train of thoughts easily. Not being able to put actual thought into words, I decided to get inspired by working at the Petrol & Oil Exhibition as well as attend this event called Suits & Ties @ the attic alone.

At the event I bumped into one of my ex's friend; Adam (not his real name) said hello and asked me what I was doing there. Being a hypo maniac and ashamed of why I was really there I blurted out that I was thinking of doing a review for the attic; which is partially true, since one of my ideas a couple of days ago was writing reviews for various places to go. So I spent the whole night sitting outside, sweating profusely and feeling like an outsider when I overheard a conversation from Adam and his friends. The conversation (I feel bad for listening but I had practically nothing to do) went somewhere between drugs like cocaine and Special K (ketamine) to invitation to sex parties.

As much as I love sex, I rather not get into the messy act of sex parties and orgies. I'm not a saint but the thought of consuming drugs just to get a high and having sex with tens of men in a hotel room is sickening to the bone.

A question came to me during cigarettes and the incessant sip of my Whiskey Sour to cool the harsh hot weather; when did this trend of sex and drugs happen?

That's when it hit me, how Queer as Folk portrayed and inspired the lives of other gay men. I stood up from my chair and looked into the room full of pretentious gay men and wondered how many of them succumbed to the glamourous lifestyle of wanting to be rich and famous as well as consume party drugs and attend events held at hotel rooms consisting of various sexual acts with different men. Not to mention having the body of an Adonis to top it off. I felt like crap in the bar, I felt more myself when I left it.

Note to readers: the attic is located at 61-2 Jln Bangkung, Bkt Bandaraya, Bangsar. Entering the world of chic, the walls are decorated with paintings with splashes of colours (I didn't get a chance to see the paintings up close) and ultra hip furniture. The bar is very art deco and serves killer Lychee Martinis and Long Islands; it's a great place to chill out and have a drink. Check out the various events held at the attic @ [Click Here]

Whiskey Waters & Holiday Flings

2008-01-06T16:59:00.000-08:00

London; it's a place where no one cares what anyone is doing and everyone minds their own business. Comparatively to Malaysia, where if two gay men hold hands in public they are instantly gawked at and condemned to the depths of hell by Holier-Than-Thou citizens.

When I was in London, I met a couple of guys which resulted to holiday flings. One of which I held hands with in public whilst walking towards the Underground station. We made out and hugged each other openly and freely when waiting for the train to come and no one bothered. There were no whispers of discontent, there were no cock-staring from by-standers, no one even bothered to look.

Timothy and I, we're an example of a holiday fling. What is a holiday fling you ask? Well let me explain. A HF is a short term relationship with a guy you meet in a different country, since there's a deadline involved (meaning the day when you leave the country) both of you try to make the best out of it.

Sitting next to Timothy, my arms around his waist and my lips either on my glass of double whiskey water or locked on to his lips, I looked into his doe-like eyes and wanted to utter the three words which I knew I shouldn't. It could have been the liquor talking, but the 2 weeks I spent with Timothy was...ethereal and magical.

The thing with HFs is that you're immediately attracted to the guy and since both of you are trying to make sweet lemonade out of lemons, you never get to see his sour side and vice versa. I have had the best HFs whenever I traveled around; I always seem to meet the guy that's totally right for me but the catch is, we live in
separate countries.

Is this a sign from the universe telling me that there are guys out there, just not in Malaysia? Or is the world playing a cruel joke on me?

(Names have been changed to protect identities)

Jet L...A...G 2008

2008-01-05T16:07:00.000-08:00

Gentle as a breath wind, full of serenity and joy.

The moment I stepped on to the Boeing 747 plane back to Malaysia, I realized how much I was going to miss London. Spending three absolutely fantastic weeks there including Christmas and the countdown to the new year in my aunt's place, it's such a shame to leave it all behind.

My body is now trying to re-adjust to the time zone here in Malaysia. On the verge of getting sick and feeling light headed (due to the no-sleep-till-9ish policy that I had imposed on myself today); I try to keep myself awake by reminiscing about my holiday in London. I'm still contemplating on whether I should upload the pictures I took since it'll take me ages to resize every picture.

The Christmas sales was wild. Imagine waking up at 5 in the morning just to get the good stuff from various stores; yes, that is what I did. I woke up at 5.30AM with my cousin and my aunt and we hit the stores hard. I was quite disappointed since the research I had done before the Boxing Day sales was in vain; about 80% of the stuff I wanted to get wasn't on sale. But I still did manage to get some stuff, like pajama bottoms. I always wanted a pair.

Apart from going crazy over shopping, there was the drinking at 3PM which made my day. It's fun to drink during the day and not be judged for it, not to mention the guys I met who made it equally as pleasurable.

3 weeks is a long holiday but time passes by so quickly when one is having fun. I do wish I have the opportunity to head over there again. Perhaps...the Commonwealth Visa? Probably. Sometime in the future.

P.S. To those of you who made it this far in reading my rants, Happy New Year. May your year be filled with love and happiness.

Traveling, Oh Boy I'm Traveling

2007-12-07T03:38:00.000-08:00

First lesson of breaking up: Look forward and forget about the past.

Well I'm about to embark on a journey that will last me 3 weeks in the UK so I'm not going to look forward. Instead I will dwell about the things that I have left behind (aka my favourite pillow). Of course I will miss my friends dearly, since there's absolutely nothing to do there. I plan to bring a couple of books to read during my stay in London. Having no friends there, since they all are back here in Malaysia, I will pre-occupy myself in old re-runs of the Crystal Maze and lots of games that I've downloaded onto my new Nintendo DS Lite.

So dear guests and avid readers, if you haven't received a heart or a mail from me, it doesn't mean I'm dead. I'm probably sitting in my Aunt's place entertaining myself or lying in the gutter somewhere in London passed out drunk.

See you guys next year. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year to you guys!

(Just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling....)

Single Mingle

2007-11-30T04:23:00.000-08:00

When you're living in a city like Kuala Lumpur, there's a million and one things you could do. Take a midnight stroll around the notorious park known for it's cruisy gay men, grab a drink at the mamak (the local 24-hour coffee shop) with your new found sauna friend or hit the bars hoping to meet the man of your dreams, or someone to bang the headboards with. Tonight, I decided to join my friend in this quaint little bar called the Attic. It was the Singles Night and the event was called Meet, Mingle and Match.

A bar full of heterosexual men and women, what could a gay boy like me want more?

So I sat and analyzed the whole scene of people mingling and getting to know each other over huge glasses filled with minimal amount of red wine. They were happy; chit chatting about their favourite past times, making witty remarks about politics, occasionally cracking jokes about themselves. Then it dawned upon me, most of the men and some of the women had the same look in their eyes. Hoping they would meet someone who they could get along with and possibly have a relationship with. I see women taking small sips from their wine glasses and eyeing the man they were speaking to up and down, possibly calculating their percentage of wanting to know them even further.

The men on the other hand were all swarming to this C-cup woman (who coincidentally goes to my gym). Her perky breasts matched her perky attitude and had men drooling and hoping they could get a chance to bring her home.

These people had hope, whether or not it's finding a relationship or wanting to get laid they all looked similar. After meeting someone new, I always think about whether or not I could have a decent relationship with them, probably picture myself in Sedan with him in the passenger seat and sending our kids to school or probably just be friends and chat over coffee. I always hoped that the person I met is the right person I should be with.

Hope.

Is it the new designer drug that we are currently hooked on, or is it a life support system which we cannot live without?

At least I know for sure, at the end of the day I'm still hoping to meet someone I can carve a life with.

I Can Be Who's Father Figure?

2007-11-28T02:52:00.000-08:00

Malaysia. A city that never sleeps, or probably it does, I wouldn't know being the only few awake at this ungodly hour. I came across this profile on Fridae which inspired me to write. I suppose what was interesting in this man's profile was that he wrote, and I quote: " I tend to like guys who are a bit on the nerdy side...It might be partially due to the fact that my father is a lot like that."

This got me thinking, are we attracted to men who have qualities like our fathers? Or maybe we've been smothered by mothers that we no longer have the ability to love any other woman apart from the one who nursed us since young. This reminds me of the Freudian concept of the Oedipal complex where (in summary) we men search for partners that resemble our mothers. But as gay men, are we looking for partners that have our father-like qualities? In other words, have we transitioned from Oedipus to the Electra complex?

Going through the list of men that I'm attracted to or have dated, I can't say that any of them resembled my father. But digging deeper into my personal life, I have to ask myself, am I searching for the father figure that I never had?

Don't get me wrong, my dad is great. He's funny, quirky and rather annoying, but there are no bounds when it comes to discipline from him. This probably had some effect on me; analyzing my past relationships, I preferred guys who had some sort of control over me. Masochistic as it sounds, I think I went for guys who are rather repressive and dominant.

So, is it a question of are we attracted to men who are like our fathers? Or do we want our partner to represent what we picture as a "father figure"?

Sweet Stuff

2007-11-18T16:28:00.000-08:00

When you're a single gay man in what seems to be a place of infinite backstabbing and bitching, one would consider staying home a luxury. So stayed home during the weekend I did, except sneaking out last night just to grab a drink at the local coffee shop.

I met a friend for a quick drink last night and we got to talking about sugar daddies and their boy toys. It was interesting to see how this happens in another person's shoes, I had a suspicion that sugar daddies think of their relationship as a business transaction; they give their boy toys money in exchange for sex. But doesn't one get lonely in the affection department? If a man is with you just because you're loaded with cash, doesn't that leave no room for affection and emotions?

On the other hand you have your boy toys and money boys, most of them who are supposedly in their teens to late 20s, who see this relationship as an exchange of power; he gives you good sex, so therefore he gets money in return. With that power, they are able to buy whatever they want; may it be clothes, a car, maybe even a apartment overlooking the KL city. So when a relationship turns into exchanging sex for money, it's hard to draw the line between a boyfriend and a man who turns tricks at the street corner. When does it turn from being a professional boyfriend to just being plain professional?

I used to date a guy who apparently wanted a relationship with me but things turned sour when he started to acknowledge his value at the meat market. Ruining friendships and relationships, he desperately tries to land a man who is capable of tending to his materialistic needs. Just from analyzing his pattern of guys, I wondered whether he wanted me for my some-what okay looks and great personality or whether he was just out to get a load of the high road. I come from an average middle-class family which doesn't give me much to become a sugar daddy, so I would like to think that he was barking up the wrong tree if he was actually attracted to me because I could afford his lifestyle. I can't even afford my own lifestyle of endless amounts of alcohol and cigarettes.

If the relationship of the future is based on how much money one makes, does that mean there is a price on Love?

Twilight ActionGirl

2007-11-11T14:43:00.000-08:00

The night at TAG was definitely one of the best nights of my life. As you can see from the pictures below, I had fun, they had fun, we all had fun.

I have no idea what I was looking at, probably captivated by the lights or something.

Drinking is our favourite game.

An Indian song came on, it was time to put the moves back on, Hindi Style.

Psychedelic!

I think that jug of Margarita was permanently glued onto my hand.

Drunken escapades lead to bad photos.

Very bad photos.

Haha, I just popped my head out of no where.

Twilight ActionGuy and Twilight ActionGirl.

I swear I wasn't holding the camera.

Pretty decent, this was when we first arrived.

Don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger...I heard you say.

The last song of the night by Oasis. I'm going to miss my comm buddies.

Angry Raging Hormones

2007-11-11T03:09:00.000-08:00

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll walk a thousand miles.

Yes I do realize that phrase doesn't make sense, which is pretty much what's happening in my life right now. I'm done with exams and I've been bumming around and trying to motivate myself and keep interest in hitting the gym. I see some results, and I now understand why gay men flaunt their bodies, cause they work hard for it. I've been through endless hours just doing weights and RPM and hip hop classes, and you would think that the amount of exercise I do increases my endorphin levels but I feel more angrier than ever. I have a feeling my testosterone level is increasing, therefore I'm feeling more energetic. In other words, I think I'm becoming more butch.

It all pays off. Just yesterday after my routine workout, I stepped into the steamroom to relax and feel the heat when a guy came in and sat next to me. He introduced himself and we got to talking about our backgrounds and traveling. Time passes by when you're having fun talking to the other party. I don't think he's gay but I wouldn't mind making another friend.

After the gym, I went back got changed and it was time to party with my uni-mates. It was sad mostly because most of them are graduating, and some of them are leaving the country to pursue their work but there were no time for tears, only time for intoxicating ourselves with shots of Whiskey and Vodka and endless jugs of Long Island Iced Teas. Nothing goes better with alcohol than good music courtesy of Twilight ActionGirl.

To make things even more surprising for me, a friend's friend (whom I know) sat next to me and started caressing my leg. As the evening progressed, he gave me a soft and gentle peck on the cheek. I remembered it and I also remembered being a jerk and asking him "Are you trying to hit on me?". Damn man, as I sit here and reminisce about the kiss last night, I am pissed off at myself for not grabbing him....or even jumping on him. I can still feel his lips on my cheek, and his tongue. I think he frenched my cheek.

Me being...well me, I over-evaluate situations and till this moment I'm wondering how a relationship with this guy would go. He captivated me with just one look and he stole my heart with just one kiss. How I wish I could have another evening alone with him.

Hybrid of Emotions

2007-11-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

A mixed up boy feeling lost in a complex world. That's who I am.

I completed my examination an hour ago and I have another one to prepare for next week. Unfortunately I had taken a sip from the ambrosia of happiness and it has switched me from Studying to Holiday Mode. Side effects? Confusion and emo.

Tonight is my friend's birthday, which I won't be attending because of personal reasons. Emo is the three letter word I'm feeling at the moment, probably because I want to attend this party but I don't want to face my ex alone. I am currently dating someone, but I don't want to go through the process of making each other jealous. I would like to think that I'm past that. I rather not go than to create unnecessary scenes.

Then the thought of friends have come to my attention. I have many acquaintances but I don't exactly have friends whom I can speak to about what matters in my life. All I have is this blog, 200 posts of thoughts and emotions that I can't exactly explain in person due to the wall I set up around myself. Does that explain why I am all alone? Even within my prison walls I have missing bricks in which I stick my hand out for someone to grab hold on to, but to no avail.

I give and I give and I give. But it seems like no one has ever bothered giving it back. Being taken advantage of should be my forte, after all I can't bear seeing who I deem as friends suffer.

I went through a process in my life; putting myself first. I don't think I have ever completed it. I seem to be running in circles, meeting the same people over and over again. People who use other people, people who have bad intentions and hidden agendas, people who I don't think deserve friends.

Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? How is it that I attract so many people like these? I really don't understand. I really don't.

Wild Smile

2007-10-24T04:08:00.000-07:00

My love's like a turning wheel, it is spinning, spinning around.

It's 4AM in the morning and I'm still awake. Unfortunately my biological clock is not ticking correctly and seem to think that wee hours in the morning is time for my body to shut down * hears the Windows Shut Down sound clip*.

I had to update tonight since some people have been complaining about having nothing to read or no new sleeping material. Well screw that, do what normal people do and pop in several Stilnox or Nytol. Guaranteed to knock you out for several days or weeks depending on your dosage.

I have been busy these past few days/weeks. Exams are around the corner and I have not prepared anything for it. Plus I still have an assignment due and I haven't exactly finished it yet. So what's new you ask? Well I certainly could answer that.

I just finished watching the 4th installment of the Harry Potter series. What a waste of 2 hours. I went to the toilet to have 2 cigarettes during the screening of the movie; and by screening, I meant getting a pirated copy of the movie and watching it on my 36" Samsung LCD Monitor. Yay for technology and piracy!

I have a couple more movies to watch but I decided to put them off and wait until I finished my exams so I'm able to concentrate 100% on my studying.

...
.......
............

Who the hell am I kidding? I'm going to watch Knocked Up before I head to bed.

To You, With Love

2007-10-16T01:08:00.000-07:00

My epitome of love (you know who you are):
If I had one wish, I would wish for you to be in my arms right now.
I want to be the shoulder that you lie your head on.
I want to be the happiness that I see in your smile.
I want to taste those soft lips, those lips that make my toes curl in ecstasy.
I want to take a whiff of your scent, the enticing scent right below your ear lobe.
I want to dream a thousand dreams right beside you.
I want to plan my whole life with you and you only.
I want to kiss your forehead every morning and tell you how much I love you.
I want to wake up in the middle of the night and find you sleeping right next to me.

If only I could, I would.

Ethan

Roads

2007-10-09T00:29:00.000-07:00

The night peels the heart like an onion, what remains after it is removed of it's defenses?

I had to do an interpretation of my theme in my Writing workshop today. I decided to do a serious short instead of acting it out or singing, etc.

So I laid out several magazine advertisements which are usually the epitome of gender construction (my theme) and one of my mother's old clothing and one of my old t-shirts on the table. I also had a pair of scissors, a ruby red lipstick and nail polish. I blindfolded myself to represent society's ignorance to it's gender construction. I sat like a marionette and waited for my cue to start (which is the music that was played during the whole act).

That was when I picked up the lipstick and started to draw on the magazine adverts. This symbolizes the effect of make-up. I dropped the lipstick and then picked up the nail polish and poured it all over the adverts, destroying it. Yet it is not enough, so I tore the adverts and tossed it on to the ground. The pieces are still there though, signifying however hard we try to break free of these stereotypes, it will still remain.

Then I picked up the pair of scissors and started to cut through the clothes. It was intense, since I was blindfolded and I didn't know what I was cutting. Crazy as it sounds, my writing class was dead silent during my whole act. I found out later it wasn't because they enjoyed it, they paid close attention because they were afraid I might cut my finger off or something. I timed it well and I think I did good. There were some who didn't bother putting in effort and read it out like the Vagina monologue. But all in all we had quite a bit of fun, some were entertaining whilst others were intense. See, this is why I take Writing, the most interesting people are always in my class.

I'm Not Dead

2007-10-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

The weekend sure did pass by like a speeding train. I went to see a percussions production called 10: Entwined Calling. Fantastic production, the whole set up was beautiful and the performance was breath-taking. I especially liked the 4th performance, titled " Water... Engulf Me", which signified the importance of water; we need it to survive and yet with too much it can harm us. Water gives life, yet it can taketh away. A beautifully intricate performance it was. The haunting voice of Yudi gave me shivers when she started singing, it was melodious and evocative. It was well done and Bernard Goh directed it flawlessly.

After the concert, a few friends and I went to check out the " Eye of Malaysia" (i.e. the copied version of the London Eye). I'm terrified of heights so I wanted to sit out the ride and luckily for me, by the time we got there they stopped allowing passengers in. So we joined the locals and started taking photos of the Ferris Wheel and watched the pretty colours change.

It's pretty at night, and pretty scary at the top.

After that, we went to our hangout area where I found the most oddest thing growing out of the ground. A mushroom.

There it was, in the middle of no where, growing. I swear it is the strangest thing I've ever seen. White and puffy. I found another one a meter away from it but someone had ripped it out of the ground and chucked it aside. Sigh, mushroom, enduring the harsh weather of Malaysia and yet it's able to nourish itself and blossom into a puffy white blob.

How I wish I was thee. Oh wait...I am the mushroom!

6 Days Later

2007-10-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today is where the bombardment of questions begin.

I felt good enough to head into classes today. I finally finished my anti-bis and I just found out I don't need to finish my painkiller medication, which bummed me out cause it gave me a killer buzz. I was not however looking forward to the barrage of questions from my classmates asking me if I'm alright or if I'm well since my face is deathly pale/green. There's a fine line between being concerned and being nosy, and MOST of these people were just plain nosy. As expected, I had to answer more than 8 times what surgery I went for and why. Even with a sarcastic tone in my voice saying that I had to sever my sympathy nerves cause I wanted to be a heartless bitch who didn't want to answer stupid questions anymore didn't stop them from wanting to know more about the surgery itself. Hell hath no fury as a mob of nosy people.

An interesting event that happened today that is worth noting was meeting J again. As the elevator doors opened, I looked out to see him standing there. Like a school boy with no where else to go except into my arms (I wish), he stood there with a grin on his face. Obviously the grin wasn't for me, it was for his girlfriend who was standing behind me. The whole bunch of Commies (short for Communication Students) from my class came out of the elevator and started chit chatting about some public apology letter from a fellow student to another. Whilst this was going on, I managed to steal a couple of glances at him. It was a hot day and he was sweating profusely. I wanted to rip off his shirt to reveal his cub-like body and *censored*.

Gathering up the courage to speak to him, I took a deep breath only to look at him for a mere couple of seconds. I could feel his gaze shift towards me and I looked away, exhaling. If there's an award for the biggest Jack Ass in the world, please nominate me. I should have just spoken to him! He probably thinks of me as a retard.

Although it's hard to believe for many, I am shy. PAINFULLY shy. Especially to the guys I really like and imagine going out on dates with. It's a disorder, just like how I don't look at people when I walk into a gay-infested area cause I feel like there are eyes on me and I suddenly am very aware of myself. I get nervous basically and very self-conscious.

I am still beating myself up over the fact that I walked away without even uttering a single word to him. Garr!

Music has charms to soothe a savage beast. Where the heck is my music now?

Back With A Vengence

2007-10-01T01:49:00.000-07:00

The critical stage is over, I can finally breathe almost normally without feeling the tremendous amount of pressure on my heart.

What surgery did I go for? I'm so sick and tired of answering this question, which is basically why I kept this in the dark, apart from a few of my close friends. I had to go for a Spine-Thorascopic Cervical Sympathectomy to cut the sympathetic nerves. In other words, it's to cure cold and clammy hands (i.e. sweaty palms).

Going into this surgery is quite mind boggling and it's not the process of the whole thing, it's the waiting that is a killer. I freaked myself out before the whole thing, I had to wear nothing but the surgical gown and my wobbly bits were dangling for everyone to see. They inserted a transparent like drip into my right hand and injected the anesthesia into the drip which knocked me unconscious for about a couple of hours. They made two small incisions on each side of my body, right underneath the armpit where the doctor had to find the sympathetic nerves and sliced it right off. Waking up is the fun part, I remembered being delirious and making jokes to the nurses that only I understood (something along the lines of getting sleeping pills). There was a huge pressure on my heart and it was difficult to breathe. I couldn't even walk and had to be wheeled out by the hospital's concierge.

It was hell when I got back home. I had to walk up a flight of stairs to my bedroom, after each step I had to stop to release some of the pressure in my heart. Under heavy painkillers and anti-bis, I slept my way through the weekend, waking up through intervals to take my meals and meds.

And now I'm feeling better. Not yet 100% since I am not able to operate heavy machinery for a week or lift anything, or even hold a pen for a couple of days. Weird thing is, I'm able to type and move my mouse but in an upright position so my arms don't move around so much. I'm getting my stitches out on Saturday. Woo hoo! I'll be 100% then!

Under The Knife

2007-09-28T02:34:00.000-07:00

I have to go for surgery in a couple of hours. I'm deathly afraid of hospitals. Especially after what T told me about going under general anesthesia and then feeling the knife slicing her ear open, feeling the pain and agony and not being able to do anything about it.

It's scary...

I'm scared...

Monash Ball - The Night of Noir

2007-09-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

Here is the long awaited pictures from my Monash Ball. There are some more to come but I haven't gotten it from my friends yet. Enjoy! Pictures can be clicked to be enlarged, just like the thing in between my legs.
The 2 homme fatales and the notorious femme fatale.

One pimp daddy and 5...almost lovely ladies.

Feeling nervous on going up to perform.

Table 12 peeps.
I like to appear out of nowhere once in a while.

We've got noir.

Trying to act cute. Unsuccessfully.

It's been a good 3 years.

Me and Kathia. We make a good team.

Performing Somewhere Over The Rainbow and screwing it up.

Stay tuned...there's more to come.

Dream A Little Dream

2007-09-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had bad dreams about someone and then wake up and get angry at them for no legitimate reason? Has your dreams affected your mood in any way after waking up? If it has, you're probably a hypo-maniac like me.

Waking up this morning/afternoon, I felt so depressed. I had a dream about M and our bedroom antics. He asked me what lube I wanted to use and brought out three small vials with three different "flavours". I told him that I wasn't in the mood and he threw a hissy fit and then left. Why did I say no? Because somehow I felt like he was fucking around, that's how he got the lube in the first place.

Think that I'm crazy or think that I have lost a few marbles. I know I need to get over this. I just don't know how to. It's been 3 years of back and forth and it's takes on a serious emotion toll on me. I honestly want it to stop. I am willing it to stop. But even on an unconscious level I'm still yearning for him in some way. When does it end?

There Once Was A Boy Named Ethan

2007-09-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

There's always a moment in time when one faces the moral dilemma within him/herself. This is my moment.

I've known of J's existence for about a couple of months and never thought much about him until the night of the Monash Ball. He looked good enough to be spread on a cracker and eaten. There's something about guys in tuxes or suits which give of this jene sai pas aura and attracts me to them like moths to a flame. I was about to leave the ball to change and head to the crazy after-party when I decided to stop over at J's table and started dancing with all of my classmates for a couple of minutes. Then surprisingly, he came over, grabbed my hand and started to dirty dance with me, noir-style. There I was, with some guy I've never spoken to in my life dancing and staring into each other's eyes with intensity that probably could light up a small town. I had to leave soon after that, embarrassed that everyone were snapping photos and the fact that he is one of my female classmate's BOYFRIEND. Yes regulars and irregulars to my blog, this guy is apparently STRAIGHT . Which is weird because I've caught him staring a couple of times, maybe because I look odd? Well, whatever it is, I shouldn't do anything...except add him on my FaceBook and turn into a potential stalker and dream about him from time to time. Knowing that his girlfriend is leaving for Australia in the following months to come also gives me an advantage as well. Should I do it? Should I slip a Spanish Fly into his drink and rape his sorry ass and turn him into a blubbering child the morning after?

Speaking of wanting to rape men, I finally got to meet the guy I've been eye-raping at the gym quite a while back last night. He had been MIA for the past couple of months (so was I) and it was pure luck when he walked into the bar I used to work at and was seated right next to me. I love me a good thick tree trunk shaped pair of legs and hell he's got it, as well as a nice piece of ass attached to it. I didn't get to speak much to him last night, hopefully I would get to see him a lot more in the future. Damn, I so want to tap that.

Monash Ball was a fantastic night, pictures will be uploaded soon. T, S and I had to perform two songs for the night and we screwed up the first song big time. Lyrics were forgotten, tune was totally off, key was off as well, the microphones weren't loud enough, it was pure hell going through that 2 and a half minute song which was cut into a minute song. We redeemed ourselves through Come What May, where we shocked the crowd with our unusual booming voices and our synchronization and harmonization. We got the validating applause that we needed and it felt awesome. All in all, it was seriously a night to remember.

Note to readers: No men were harmed/raped during the reminiscing of the writer's blog

The Moment

2007-09-16T04:33:00.000-07:00

This moment
I will reminisce
The forgotten scenery
It all adds up to become me

This moment
Time has become my luggage
Going past sadness and happiness
You're side by side with me
Because of you I can see myself
In the unpredictable future

Next moment
Where will I fly?
My wings are slowly tiring
But because of you
I will be strong

This is just a long journey
This isn't an eternal stop
Saying goodbye is a reminder of our magnificent memories

You
Have to take care of yourself
And never forget those beautiful scars

Don't worry
Just leave me
I will remember this moment
There will still be amazing moments
After the rain
There will be a fantastic rainbow
We will find our freedom at the end

(Lyrics Translated From The Moment, By Stephanie Sun)

One Night Only

2007-09-15T02:06:00.000-07:00

Being a failure in Malaysian Idol has smushed my dreams of becoming a singer, but my passion for singing still remains deep inside. Although I couldn't get through to the final rounds for Malaysian Idol, I thought to myself, at least I could still do what I love to do freely and there's always other competitions.

Fate has led me into meeting a friend of mine. We both discovered we had a strong passion for song and music and decided to try out auditioning for our annual university ball. With sheer skill and luck, we managed to breeze through the audition and became one of the main talents for the night of the ball.

The clock is ticking and the event moves closer day by day (the ball is 7 days from now). T and I are feeling the pressure. To stage the 2 songs that we are going to sing that night will be a major migraine for both of us, basically since we haven't exactly finalized the choices yet.

My friends ask me how I'm able to go through it with such confidence despite my trembling partner who's hand I had to hold through the entire time we auditioned and the performances we staged after that. All I can say is, I don't know. I honestly don't know where the courage comes from. But I'm glad to have that as a part of my personality.

Well what lies ahead is either applause or embarrassing moments. I suppose this event is just one night only so, no stress. I'm going to go out there and have fun!

Bad Mojo

2007-09-12T03:21:00.000-07:00

Trying to evaluate myself in these past few weeks has made me realize that I'm surrounded by bad karma, probably in my last life? Or maybe the things that I've said that have actually hurt people. Right now, the anger has subsided for my ex. The night I cried myself to sleep was the last night I swore to the higher beings above me that I will never shed another tear for him.

Despite me slapping him twice, it did hurt me more. Like jabbing a hot knife into my heart, I drowned my sorrow in a bottle of cheap wine and Stephanie Sun's songs. I needed a form of release, and knowing that these are the tools to bring forth hot lava tears to roll down my face I went through it only to wake up the next day and face my entire University with puffy red eyes and no boyfriend to call, hug, kiss or say I love you anymore.

To you who is reading this, I am truly sorry for using my hand across your face. I guess our relationship can't ever be salvaged. I wish you the best of luck and hope both of us move on and find whatever we want in life.

Trying to keep myself busy, I've picked up gymming again as well as revisiting old friends whom I haven't seen in a while. I've been trying to cleanse my aura as well and I believe this is bad karma that enveloped me so by doing good deeds, I do hope to rid of this evil presence. So I signed up for 2 day voluntary work at Freedom Film Fest 2007 held at Central Market this weekend, to help organize the event. It was supposed to be a 3 day job but I also volunteered to work in a home for disabled children on Sunday so I wouldn't be able to make it on the last day.

Do wish me luck on getting rid of bad karma. Shoo~!

Experimental Writing

2007-08-23T03:02:00.000-07:00

Little doll
Who carries the name of the most beautiful flower
Could you please bring me something from your parents' tower?

Of course dear Shadow
What is it you humbly ask to endow?

Walk back to your castle dear child
And make it your family's tomb
For all I really yearn
Lies within your mother's womb

I once heard of a man who will become like no other
Could you please bring me your still unborn brother?

The shadow bowed in gratitude, completing her task
Would you like anything in return, might I ask?

Please I hope you won't find me wrong
I would like to play, laugh and dance all night long
But no matter what I want
I would find a friend the most relevant

I’m sorry dear little flower
Friends I can not give
It is sadly beyond my power

Then I would like my brother back
For this deal of ours
Just turned awfully sour
What good are you, if you make me weep?
Please have my brother returned by the gates of my keep

Neither your brother I can give you
What you gave is given
I merely strive for a way to make it even
Seeing my offer is merely out of kindness
This child will never know the embrace of your fortress

Then I wish for a way to have you undone
Kind shadow
I want you mauled and buried
By the darkest and most blighted meadow

Fair enough little flower
Without feelings of either vain or rue
I will grant your one wish 'come true

Without honour
Without grace
You will travel to the darkest place
Untouched by the vilest of gloom
Your skin will always run paler than our brightest moon

Travel the road of which I pointed
And be forever gone
For sure one day
You will have me undone

Thank you kindly,
Shadow of whom I don't know

K.O. Ethan Wins.

2007-08-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

When fighting with your partner/spouse, it's great to have in mind that there isn't a right or a wrong person. As long as both of the parties agree that they want to be with each other, nothing else really matters and small little arguments tend to vanish into thin air.

But when things get personal, it's harder to see why you're together with your partner. Everything gets blurred, the haziness sets in, you're lost and exasperation is your only best friend.

Tonight, a similar event occurred that had taken place in my relationship way back when and it was frustrating to see the same thing happen again. To tell this story, I have to start from the beginning, which took place at Red last night...

I had a presentation today with a couple of classmates, a critical approach/psychoanalysis of the movie Mildred Pierce which happens to be one of the best Film Noirs I have seen up to date. There were 4 of us, 3 questions to tackle and during the filming of the movie, 2 were absent, their names were Claudia and Aaron. Aaron Lee is a notorious slacker, who leaches off people's assignments and is a human parasite to those around him. At least I had Cheryl with me and she understood the pain and frustration of trying to organize a meeting between four of us.

So on the phone yesterday night (since I had all of their numbers, I had to phone them), I rang Cheryl and checked up on what she was doing, called Claudia and asked her what she was going to do and when Aaron picked up the phone, I explained to him what he should do. All of us were on track...or so it seems.

I skipped my Globalization lecture today so we could spend some time to work on Mildred Pierce only to have Claudia come an hour late and Aaron show up half an hour before our presentation started. Not only that, all of us were in awe that he spent the whole night doing nothing except print the synopsis of Mildred Pierce from Wikipedia (the most unreliable source in History). We were pissed, not only did he not show up for the screening, he practically did 5 minutes of work and called it a day.

So our presentation came, we helped him out and we all did a fairly excellent job. But Aaron on the other hand left the class and looked upset. I didn't like the way our group treated him and it was clear to me that he was desperately trying to reach out to someone during our talk. So when I left, I sent him a message saying not to feel upset over this and that we still did a great job. He replied me with an apologetic note.

I was having a stressful day. So time to relax, I had dinner with my significant other and we were having a good time until I started to tell him this story. Keep in mind that he was there when I was making the calls to the members of my group. That's when he interrupted me before I could finish my 3rd sentence and told me that I was wrong. I am the one to blame. Because it looks bad that all of us knew what we were doing and that he didn't. Also I should have taken the leadership role. My mates were also to blame as well for Aaron's downfall cause they didn't check up on his work.

I'm sorry, when did I turn into a babysitter? We allocated questions to each other and there wasn't even meant to be a leader but I made the initiative to call them up and check up on them. I made the effort to set up a meeting with all of us and is it MY FAULT that they're late and irresponsible? My role in life isn't similar in any way to Mildred Pierce.

This is where things got personal. He started to lecture me on how I should be during group work despite not even listening to me or even knowing how Aaron Lee works. He immediately sided the slacker instead of me. Fine. You just poked the bear. Hell shall rain upon thee who pokes the bear.

I gave him the silent treatment. He got pissed off that I wouldn't listen to him. Why the hell should I listen to someone who doesn't even bother to let me finish my story and jumps to conclusions?

He sent me home. I slammed his car door. I got really angry at him because he knows that I hate people who don't let me finish and lectures me in an accusing manner. I SMSed my friend T, to tell her that he won't be coming for her party this weekend. Unfortunately HE replied me and said if I didn't want him to go I should tell him directly and that he was being too ambitious by lecturing me (I'm still wondering what that meant). I found out that I had sent the message to the wrong person. One thing lead to another and it was left with me saying that until he learns how to listen to me before spilling his crap all over me, I don't want to hear his voice, speak to him, see him, etc.
And finally I got a message saying, "In other words, does that mean break up?"

Where the fuck did I mention break up? Someone please explain to me.

Night Of Horror

2007-08-15T02:10:00.000-07:00

You know a night of wine and song has gone wrong when you're about to leave and some people starts to raise their voice and push each other.

This is what happened.

Standing there, frustrated about the fact that my boyfriend has the hots for another guy, I was talking to my friend about it when all of a sudden I turned around to see that my friends were pushing each other. I wouldn't exactly call them my friends, more like acquaintances that I got to know over the couple of weeks. It was mere seconds when Adrian handed me his glasses and threw his cigarettes on the ground and started shouting at John. There were about 10 of us there and 3 of them had rage in their eyes and started to shout at each other.

Trying to stop the fight with someone's glasses in my hand, I held a shouting Adrian back only to realize that it was David who got offended by John and he was trying desperately to land a punch on him. So a few of us held both of them back while the others told John to leave because he was being rude and obnoxious and there I was, feeling sorry for John because I know him and despite him being him, he had no one on his side. All of them were colleagues and John was basically the odd one out cause he didn't hang out with any of us.

So there we were, in front of a residential area and outside a pub called Red where there were 2 angry people screaming at one person and I couldn't do anything. When rage gets into a drunk's mind, all he could think about is how am I going to kick his ass. Straight men have egos and it seemed that David had a lot since he was the the only one raising his voice after the other two got settled. I didn't know what was going on, but I did manage to get something along the lines of not shaking each other's hand. Seriously, straight men. Drunk straight men. Drunk angry straight men. Why not just take your penises out and compare it and get it over with?

I had to leave. There was basically too much drama going on and I was pushed around by people who are trying to hit each other.

Why, oh why, do I always have to end up being the marionette?

Writin.g.

2007-08-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

Yours is the voice
That keeps me awake
My head explodes
And my body aches

Experimental Writing is a tough and challenging subject which I chose to go through. Completely surrounded by fellow writers, I feel immensely intimidated that most of them are able to transcend from writing fiction into writing prose poems, non-literary satires, etc.

So here I am, this guy who apparently thinks he's able to write and is pretty much good at it and this whole notion of being good in writing shatters before him and he's having trouble coping with class. Not only that, he hasn't been able to grasp the formats and techniques 100% yet. Somehow or rather I hear my enemies and my nemesissies snickering from miles away. Don't get me wrong, the protagonist I'm speaking about is actually me.

To top it off, I have to go through an array of assessments to pass this subject and if one fails any of it, they have to fork out another subject's worth of fees to take it all over again.

The pressure is on and I'm feeling the sweat. Someone please hand me a towel, s'il vous plaît?

If I Could Sleep Forever

2007-07-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry guys, I haven't exactly updated my blog in a while. Been happy and content with my life so there's not exactly much to complain about.

Been trying to get my gym schedule back but I've been feeling really lazy, especially after the one hour class of RPM (a.k.a. Spin Class) which really took it out of me. Pure cardio for about 2 1/2 hours can really take it out of a guy. I had to walk out half an hour through hip hop class just to catch my breath. And that night itself, I slept like a baby.

Well not entirely like a baby, I usually have sleepless nights where I wake up several times during the night for no apparent reason. I'm blaming it on the fact that my mind doesn't ever sleep. I have dreams almost everyday, most of which I only remember the moment when I'm about to head off to the land of subconsciousness.

The worst is when I get haunted by my little imperfections and the fact that I make a fool of myself during the span of which is called my life. I usually have to yelp it out so I can get it out of my system, something weird which I do moments before my body shuts down. I don't think anyone has that weird little habit, I have asked around and no one I know seems to have it. So maybe I am a little nuts, a few marbles short, some loose screws in my head.

I guess I am a little insane. Who isn't in this day and age?

Mister Rude

2007-07-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

Honestly, there are too many knuckleheads in Fridae. Why have I come to this conclusion? Well mostly because idiots (names omitted) have been adding me on MSN and bloody hell have no decency to even provide me with a proper profile. I understand if some people are "discreet" but do understand this, I am not. I am openly gay to anyone who cares and gives a damn. So please don't expect me to be nice when firstly you were rude and impolite. So hear me when I say this; Don't bother getting to know me when all you've got to offer is just complete utter stupidity.

Yes, as you can read from this post, it's the time of the month again. Working out in the gym hasn't exactly created endorphins for me, now I just get easily irritated and do obnoxiously rash actions that would have landed me in trouble if I wasn't so hugesque.

So for heaven's sake, for my sake and for your safety, please don't make me angry (insert forced smile here).