Dear readers,
It's been a while since I last blogged. I do apologize profusely as it's been hella busy over the past few days/months/years.
Good news! I'll be playing the lead for a music video tomorrow for a band called Manhand. Google them to find out who they are.
I'm quite pleased with myself this year; I quit my job from the hell hole of a department and was traveling for a while for 4 months. Then with a stroke of luck, I managed to get a job again in my old company but a different department. Quite happy indeed.
I'll update more after tomorrow.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Friday, August 6, 2010
A Tear Shed Over Time
I recently met a guy. A guy who I thought would be a good friend. A friend who I thought was cute. A cute guy who was seeing another guy. Lets name this guy who I met, Barry.
At first, I stated my grounds clearly, not to engage in any form of sexual acts with him. I told him straight, that since he was together with someone else, I will not engage in any forms of sexual activities with him and the most we could be is friends. Next thing you know, I'm really starting to fall for him.
I waited an hour for him to get off work, sit down and have a drink with me for only 30 minutes before heading off to his next meeting. And the fact is, I didn't mind; which was a big indication that I really like the dude.
The third time we met, was at his place, where we had one too many drinks and ended up sleeping with each other. Torturous. I knew I was falling for him the moment our lips locked. I broke my own rule in not sleeping with him and I knew that I was falling down a deep and dark hole. He was seeing someone! How could I let things go out of control???? I felt so guilty after that, I went home and slept.
Today, I went out on a date with another dude. Throughout the whole date, I could not stop thinking about Barry, and the moment he called, I ran outside to pick up the phone. I really don't know what spell he put on me but I resisted and told him I would call him back.
I sent my date home, and we made out in his house but all I could think about was Barry. I left my date's place, saying that I needed to sleep, but in fact when I stepped into my car, I immediately started dialing Barry's number.
I spoke to Barry for a good 20 minutes, telling him how I felt, but in return he told me that the feelings I feel for him would change over time through personal experience. I was quite devastated by the remark, and I still am.
Through the act of putting down the phone of him, I realized that we can not be anything more than friends.
How I really wish we could.
I really do wish we could.
But sadly to say, we can not be.
At first, I stated my grounds clearly, not to engage in any form of sexual acts with him. I told him straight, that since he was together with someone else, I will not engage in any forms of sexual activities with him and the most we could be is friends. Next thing you know, I'm really starting to fall for him.
I waited an hour for him to get off work, sit down and have a drink with me for only 30 minutes before heading off to his next meeting. And the fact is, I didn't mind; which was a big indication that I really like the dude.
The third time we met, was at his place, where we had one too many drinks and ended up sleeping with each other. Torturous. I knew I was falling for him the moment our lips locked. I broke my own rule in not sleeping with him and I knew that I was falling down a deep and dark hole. He was seeing someone! How could I let things go out of control???? I felt so guilty after that, I went home and slept.
Today, I went out on a date with another dude. Throughout the whole date, I could not stop thinking about Barry, and the moment he called, I ran outside to pick up the phone. I really don't know what spell he put on me but I resisted and told him I would call him back.
I sent my date home, and we made out in his house but all I could think about was Barry. I left my date's place, saying that I needed to sleep, but in fact when I stepped into my car, I immediately started dialing Barry's number.
I spoke to Barry for a good 20 minutes, telling him how I felt, but in return he told me that the feelings I feel for him would change over time through personal experience. I was quite devastated by the remark, and I still am.
Through the act of putting down the phone of him, I realized that we can not be anything more than friends.
How I really wish we could.
I really do wish we could.
But sadly to say, we can not be.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Judging 3th@n
It's been a while since I last posted anything. Sorry to those who read my blog, I have been too lazy to even write.
I went to Marketplace tonight. I think I had...a good time there. Got a friend drunk and watched her throw up several times in the toilet and into ice buckets. Listened to friends chit chat about their love lives or what they expect out of their love lives. I was also a viewer to a show of two lovers who recently met and in my opinion, should get a room and shag all night instead of going out clubbing.
What really disturbed me tonight was not the fact that two guys were making out as if it was their last day together, but it was being told by friends that I had that look of someone who would not be faithful and hence, it would be difficult for me to even find someone to share my life with without having an open relationship. This fact was really hard to swallow and digest. As I tried to come into terms with it by consuming alcohol and cigarettes, a (very good looking) man sat down opposite me and started eyeing me. Aware of this fact, I tried to eye-flirt with him for a bit and then suddenly, to my distraught, another man sat down next to him and started making out with him and held his hand ever so dearly. It was his boyfriend.
Despite the fact that his boyfriend was sitting next to him and hugging so tight that his chest would explode, he was still looking at me and his body language was still inviting me to get to know him. This little event was just hard to experience; it was like a small window view of how my current life now was filled with men who havepartners and are unfaithful to them and want to bed me for a night or two. Lust at first sight. Nothing more than that.
This got me thinking in a very negative light; am I destined with the face I have to only experience bad relationships and partners who think I'm nothing more than a big cheat? Nothing more than one or two nights? I can't be imagining things if this is not the first comment and experience which I have.
How am I supposed to even sustain a relationship if I can't change the way I look?
These things may not ever be answered, but depression aside, I still want to be optimistic about finding the right person for myself.
I believe he's out there.
Perhaps far, perhaps near.
Just perhaps.
I went to Marketplace tonight. I think I had...a good time there. Got a friend drunk and watched her throw up several times in the toilet and into ice buckets. Listened to friends chit chat about their love lives or what they expect out of their love lives. I was also a viewer to a show of two lovers who recently met and in my opinion, should get a room and shag all night instead of going out clubbing.
What really disturbed me tonight was not the fact that two guys were making out as if it was their last day together, but it was being told by friends that I had that look of someone who would not be faithful and hence, it would be difficult for me to even find someone to share my life with without having an open relationship. This fact was really hard to swallow and digest. As I tried to come into terms with it by consuming alcohol and cigarettes, a (very good looking) man sat down opposite me and started eyeing me. Aware of this fact, I tried to eye-flirt with him for a bit and then suddenly, to my distraught, another man sat down next to him and started making out with him and held his hand ever so dearly. It was his boyfriend.
Despite the fact that his boyfriend was sitting next to him and hugging so tight that his chest would explode, he was still looking at me and his body language was still inviting me to get to know him. This little event was just hard to experience; it was like a small window view of how my current life now was filled with men who havepartners and are unfaithful to them and want to bed me for a night or two. Lust at first sight. Nothing more than that.
This got me thinking in a very negative light; am I destined with the face I have to only experience bad relationships and partners who think I'm nothing more than a big cheat? Nothing more than one or two nights? I can't be imagining things if this is not the first comment and experience which I have.
How am I supposed to even sustain a relationship if I can't change the way I look?
These things may not ever be answered, but depression aside, I still want to be optimistic about finding the right person for myself.
I believe he's out there.
Perhaps far, perhaps near.
Just perhaps.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Let There Be.
It was a good day. That is what I like to tell myself almost every day. It was certainly a good day.
But today is different. A friend called me up when I was out with another bunch of people and told me to come by because he's feeling depressed. I love my friends, and I rushed over as soon as I had the chance. When I arrived at the pub he was at, all I could see were tears.
He told me that his boyfriend had broken up with him. Despite preparing myself for the worst, I had no words to say to comfort him. As we sat outside, I watched pellets of tears form in his eyes, roll down his face and fall harshly onto the ground.
His boyfriend of 7 years.
Over.
Just like that.
I listened to my friends try to console him and him trying desperately to defend and reason why his boyfriend left him. All I could do is just hold him tight and make him feel wanted.
At times like these, I believe silence is the key. Listening to his predicament and nodding. Despite the fact that I'm opinionated, I kept my comments to myself because I know, no matter what you say to him in his drunken state, nothing will be absorbed.
Danny is a good person, and I believe he should never be subjected to feeling like this.
His friends try to tell him, it's over, just deal with it. You're too good for him. There are other fishes in the sea. Standardized remarks and comments.
He told me quietly that he wanted to start his life over again. When I looked into his puffy bloodshot eyes, I could see myself in him. So I told him, it's best if you dwell on these feelings for a while so you could process it and move on.
Bad things happen to good people all the time, and I pray desperately that it would stop.
If there is a higher being, I would wish S/He could hear my prayers.
Let there be light for those who want it.
Let there be peace for those who pray for it.
Let there be love for those who need it.
But today is different. A friend called me up when I was out with another bunch of people and told me to come by because he's feeling depressed. I love my friends, and I rushed over as soon as I had the chance. When I arrived at the pub he was at, all I could see were tears.
He told me that his boyfriend had broken up with him. Despite preparing myself for the worst, I had no words to say to comfort him. As we sat outside, I watched pellets of tears form in his eyes, roll down his face and fall harshly onto the ground.
His boyfriend of 7 years.
Over.
Just like that.
I listened to my friends try to console him and him trying desperately to defend and reason why his boyfriend left him. All I could do is just hold him tight and make him feel wanted.
At times like these, I believe silence is the key. Listening to his predicament and nodding. Despite the fact that I'm opinionated, I kept my comments to myself because I know, no matter what you say to him in his drunken state, nothing will be absorbed.
Danny is a good person, and I believe he should never be subjected to feeling like this.
His friends try to tell him, it's over, just deal with it. You're too good for him. There are other fishes in the sea. Standardized remarks and comments.
He told me quietly that he wanted to start his life over again. When I looked into his puffy bloodshot eyes, I could see myself in him. So I told him, it's best if you dwell on these feelings for a while so you could process it and move on.
Bad things happen to good people all the time, and I pray desperately that it would stop.
If there is a higher being, I would wish S/He could hear my prayers.
Let there be light for those who want it.
Let there be peace for those who pray for it.
Let there be love for those who need it.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Am I Bovvered?
As the wheels of time churns, we get older by the day but any wiser? I would like to think that I'm wiser through experience.
In a couple of days it would be 2010. What is my resolution for the New Year? I believe that New Year's resolutions are setting oneself for failure. Not very many achieve their goals within the year and to those who have, Congratulations!
Before the year ends, I would like to resolve a few issues on my mind by writing.
Perhaps I'm a hypocrite for saying this but I feel like I need to get this out of my system. Couples are annoying. I would like to think that friends that are in relationships are complementary to each other but to lose sense of self is a bit depressing. I am genuinely happy for them, and I wish for all the best to them, but certain events that have passed led me to think that perhaps friends are of lesser importance when it comes to relationships.
It has come to my attention that I was like that with my ex, but it has also been brought to my attention that I behaved better towards my friends when I was with him. I did not see my friends as often as before I got together with my ex but they understood and I will as well.
I think I'm upset because despite the fact that I was in a relationship before, I stuck to my guns and did try to meet up with the rest of them in different occasions. I would never set up a meeting and in the end, blowing them off for some poor excuse. Not to mention, them bringing along their partners and making me feel like a third wheeler.
Thinking this whole issue through, I would like to just write it off as me being jealous. Of them having someone they can spend their days with and me...well lets not get into that. T'is, after all, the season to be bitter and depressed.
I do hope that this feeling goes away though. Perhaps a change of scenery and mentalities would do the trick.
But am I bothered by this?
You bet your ass I am.
In a couple of days it would be 2010. What is my resolution for the New Year? I believe that New Year's resolutions are setting oneself for failure. Not very many achieve their goals within the year and to those who have, Congratulations!
Before the year ends, I would like to resolve a few issues on my mind by writing.
Perhaps I'm a hypocrite for saying this but I feel like I need to get this out of my system. Couples are annoying. I would like to think that friends that are in relationships are complementary to each other but to lose sense of self is a bit depressing. I am genuinely happy for them, and I wish for all the best to them, but certain events that have passed led me to think that perhaps friends are of lesser importance when it comes to relationships.
It has come to my attention that I was like that with my ex, but it has also been brought to my attention that I behaved better towards my friends when I was with him. I did not see my friends as often as before I got together with my ex but they understood and I will as well.
I think I'm upset because despite the fact that I was in a relationship before, I stuck to my guns and did try to meet up with the rest of them in different occasions. I would never set up a meeting and in the end, blowing them off for some poor excuse. Not to mention, them bringing along their partners and making me feel like a third wheeler.
Thinking this whole issue through, I would like to just write it off as me being jealous. Of them having someone they can spend their days with and me...well lets not get into that. T'is, after all, the season to be bitter and depressed.
I do hope that this feeling goes away though. Perhaps a change of scenery and mentalities would do the trick.
But am I bothered by this?
You bet your ass I am.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Leave No Impressions
I was at the gym the other day trying to get my routine back on track and I was using the free weights when I saw this guy (probably average sized to lean) watching me lift weights. I must admit, I'm rusty and I don't like lifting weights which is why I would make almost any excuse not to do it but watching my weight fluctuate into a number which I'm terrified of, I'm trying my best not to make anymore excuses and just to hit it.
So here I was, lifting the 35s at an angle of 45 degrees and blasting music through my SkullCandys when I catch this guy looking at me. And it was not the cruising sort of look, it was more like sizing me up. After I was done with my set, I took a drink from my water bottle and through my peripheral vision, I could almost see and sense of smugness from him as he was lifting the 37.5s with ease. I smiled to myself and continued working out.
Ego has existed since the dawn of mankind. I believe there are two types of ego, one of which fuels your desire to achieve your dream and the other being the self-destructive "I'm-better-than-you-so-you-can-watch-me-be-better-than-you" ego.
This form of egoism borders upon narcissism and my theory is that it hides a deeper insecurity. It almost seems like one has to over-compensate in a particular attribute in order to shadow one's flaws. Why do I state that it's self-destructive? Most probably because that feeling of insecurity grows and festers within oneself which causes one to loathe that insecurity and perhaps anything that has resemblance to it.
As far as I am aware of, I believe quite a few men have this. I also believe that women have this too, and I think it is only adamant when dealing with their own sex. Honestly, I think it's quite an un-attractive personality trait. Showing-off and making someone feel bad for being a have-not is the ugliest trait anyone could ever have and I believe this encourages the separation and distinguishing of classes.
All I can say to anyone who has this trait is, "Sorry, that really does not impress me". :P
So here I was, lifting the 35s at an angle of 45 degrees and blasting music through my SkullCandys when I catch this guy looking at me. And it was not the cruising sort of look, it was more like sizing me up. After I was done with my set, I took a drink from my water bottle and through my peripheral vision, I could almost see and sense of smugness from him as he was lifting the 37.5s with ease. I smiled to myself and continued working out.
Ego has existed since the dawn of mankind. I believe there are two types of ego, one of which fuels your desire to achieve your dream and the other being the self-destructive "I'm-better-than-you-so-you-can-watch-me-be-better-than-you" ego.
This form of egoism borders upon narcissism and my theory is that it hides a deeper insecurity. It almost seems like one has to over-compensate in a particular attribute in order to shadow one's flaws. Why do I state that it's self-destructive? Most probably because that feeling of insecurity grows and festers within oneself which causes one to loathe that insecurity and perhaps anything that has resemblance to it.
As far as I am aware of, I believe quite a few men have this. I also believe that women have this too, and I think it is only adamant when dealing with their own sex. Honestly, I think it's quite an un-attractive personality trait. Showing-off and making someone feel bad for being a have-not is the ugliest trait anyone could ever have and I believe this encourages the separation and distinguishing of classes.
All I can say to anyone who has this trait is, "Sorry, that really does not impress me". :P
Friday, October 30, 2009
Family Guise
It's been a while since I last blogged. Since I face the computer 8+ hours a day and 7 days a week, I don't have much energy to type anything anymore.
I was stumbling across a blog when I realized that I haven't written anything for myself in a very long time. And I should. Writing keeps me sane and I feel like I'm going insane from all the stress at work and the people in it.
Anyway, I just had a conversation with my mother about my 14 year old cousin. A couple of nights ago, my mother received news that my cousin had turned into a "bad apple". She had skived school, took a cab and went to a shopping mall with a bunch of boys who were a lot older than her who apparently were loan sharks.
My mother labeled her off as being playful and rebellious and told me that she should be put in a boarding school.
I on the other hand disagreed. Since my cousin was in her teenage years, plus her parents are divorced, her mother works more than 58 hours a week and she does not talk to her father, I believe she had felt like she lost control of life. I believe that every girl whether she's 50 or 15 has an insecure side to her. And the fact that she hates her father because he's controlling and left her to live with her mother doesn't help.
I thought my mother's solution to the problem was not a solution at all. I didn't think it addressed the problem at all. My solution offered was to try to be-friend her, and to speak to her as if she was an adult. She has choices, and she needs to know that she can make decisions but informed ones. I think Generation I-Deserve (which refers to my generation and the younger ones) are a lot smarter than we give credit for which is why speaking to her as an adult, I believe is a good way to appeal to her mentality.
Mother then challenged me, and told me to put my money where my mouth is and try to reach out to her. I said that relationships and friendships have to be organic. It cannot be forced and in a situation like this, it would make things worse with my cousin.
Mother listened and rolled her eyes when I argued my case and she told me that I was full of shit.
I told her to stuff it.
I was stumbling across a blog when I realized that I haven't written anything for myself in a very long time. And I should. Writing keeps me sane and I feel like I'm going insane from all the stress at work and the people in it.
Anyway, I just had a conversation with my mother about my 14 year old cousin. A couple of nights ago, my mother received news that my cousin had turned into a "bad apple". She had skived school, took a cab and went to a shopping mall with a bunch of boys who were a lot older than her who apparently were loan sharks.
My mother labeled her off as being playful and rebellious and told me that she should be put in a boarding school.
I on the other hand disagreed. Since my cousin was in her teenage years, plus her parents are divorced, her mother works more than 58 hours a week and she does not talk to her father, I believe she had felt like she lost control of life. I believe that every girl whether she's 50 or 15 has an insecure side to her. And the fact that she hates her father because he's controlling and left her to live with her mother doesn't help.
I thought my mother's solution to the problem was not a solution at all. I didn't think it addressed the problem at all. My solution offered was to try to be-friend her, and to speak to her as if she was an adult. She has choices, and she needs to know that she can make decisions but informed ones. I think Generation I-Deserve (which refers to my generation and the younger ones) are a lot smarter than we give credit for which is why speaking to her as an adult, I believe is a good way to appeal to her mentality.
Mother then challenged me, and told me to put my money where my mouth is and try to reach out to her. I said that relationships and friendships have to be organic. It cannot be forced and in a situation like this, it would make things worse with my cousin.
Mother listened and rolled her eyes when I argued my case and she told me that I was full of shit.
I told her to stuff it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
