Lonely Christmas

it's time, i'm giving up the whole "i'm single because i want to be" facade. it's awfully depressing when u have no one by your side during the holidays, especially during holidays that stress on the fact that people in love are alot happier than the people who are single and ready to mingle. yes, for those of u out there who have someone by your side, cherish it.

i'm lonely. it's good to have good friends by ur side and family who loves u and stuff, but there's a part of me that's missing. i cant really explain how the feeling is, it's like everyone out there is having fun and enjoying their lives and they're with people. i feel like i'm stuck in one place, stagnant through time. i feel like i havent progressed at all, relationship-wise. i try and tell myself and other people that i'm fine being single, it's alot better than having a ball and chain tied to ur foot but in reality i'm breaking down inside, bit by bit.

christmas hasnt exactly been the best for me. i've always spent christmas alone. while my family is heading off to dream land at night, i lie awake at 4am without any friends by my side wishing i could be with someone, even if it's not a partner or boyfriend or whatever, then at least some friends. i dont really understand how people view me, they hold on to the belief that i have many many friends when i dont, i tell them i dont and they wouldnt believe me. yes i do know a lot of people but that's because of my job but actually sitting down with a friend and pour my heart and soul into our conversations is something i long for. i let my guard down yesterday and my friends just thought i was in a bad mood; i so want to tell them "no i'm not in a bad mood, i'm just depressed" but i know the feedback that i'll get from them. "life's too short to be depressed", "you're young! what's the point in being depressed?", "how can u be depressed? u're supposed to be happy and enjoying life!", etc etc. this is basically why i stop showing the ugly side of me, because people dont want to listen to me. they have this idea of what i'm supposed to be; happy, bubbly, fun, playful, immature, whatever. sometimes i think to myself that no one really knows me and that's because they dont bother to know me. people see what they want to see. no one wants to be around a depressed party pooper all the time, so i form this guard, this almost picture perfect of what they think i should be and i suffer in silence.

so what to do? complaining isnt going to solve any of my problems so right now i'm going guy hunting. i need a lover, i need to be in love, i need to feel like i'm being loved, i need someone whom i can hold on to when i'm scared, i need someone whom i can talk to about my feelings and my future and anything under the sun, i need someone whom i can watch fireworks with during festive seasons, kiss at the stroke of midnight during New Years Eve, wake up to and snuggle with during rainy mornings...i need a boyfriend.