A Blossom Fell

diana krall's music really gets to me. her voice is exceptional and really gets to me, sorta like singing into my soul.

btw, i am apologetic for the last diary entry i wrote, it was written out of anger and there was so much hate in it that it even shocked me when i re-read it a couple of minutes ago. i do not regret writing it though, that's why it's still there. i dont believe in regret, what's done is done and i just have to stick to my actions and take responsibility for it. and i do mean every word i say, i dont want to be like other people who just say things just because, i am learning the trait of being straightforward and not apologising for it. i think i apologise too much and i'm trying to cut it down. it sorta makes me look like i feel sorry for even being alive.

so i'm feeling kinda peaceful rite now...very zen. maybe that's because i've pretty much stayed at home and tried doing things to cheer myself up. this is something i'm trying out as well, whenever i feel angry i dont want to blow it out on other people so i cheer myself up by doing things i like, cause i know that i cannot rely on anyone to cheer me up. it's up to me to make things happen for myself.

so a blossom did fall for me, the blossom of anger and hate and resentment. i hope it doesnt grow again in the near future though...

Your Ass Is Crass

what's my definition of a friend?

A) someone who doesnt screw u over for the possibility of getting sex
B) someone who doesnt use u for his/her advantages
C) someone who u can talk to about anything and everything and can accept whatever u say and vice versa
D) someone who is there for u

friends dont come easily, and i can tell u for sure i only have very very few good friends. i hate users, i hate people who take advantage of their friends, i hate people who are just plain nasty and self centred.

recently i got to know someone who i thought i knew him, but i actually dont. firstly he made my friend feel like he was being taken advantage of, and i came into the middle of things and settled everything and now he's doing it to me. people like that dont learn their lesson and plus they're too stubborn in life to actually listen to whatever anyone has to say. in addition they dwell on the fact that they're never wrong, nothing negative ever involves them.

what sparked it off? well i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, plus i got so pissy last nite but i tried not to show it because of the stuff that person said. seriously i dont even want anything to do with him anymore...i guess i'm straightforward that way. i'm nice when it comes to friends but when i think there's seriously something wrong with the person, i pull back and give them the cold shoulder. it's not a good trait...especially in life. but i think i'll worry about that in the near future instead of now. i'm too fucking pissed to even bother.

why am i agitated? let me count the ways.
firstly this person knows very well i do not want to speak to him, so he comes up to me last night and without saying hello, asked me whether i'm going to frangi with the SGreans that came down yesterday. i looked at him and said no. then he tells me that he doesnt know the way there and that he's going.

seriously what do u get out of this little conversation? that what? i'm supposed to go because u dont know the way? that i'm supposed to lead u there? even if i do go, which i dont, u're gonna ditch me for the possibility of having sex in the first place so fuck u. fuck ur little antics and fuck off from my life. i dont give a flying fuck if he beats up people and shit, dont ever think for a second that i'm a little weakling cause i'll fucking pound ur ass to the ground and make sure u hurt.

yeah there's an insanely violent side to me, i'm hakka so blame it on my bloody genes. plus i grew up in a Gentiles-Only environment so it had to explode sometime or later right?

and for those people who read this should keep it to themselves if they dont want to get involved. u know who u are.

J'Adore Monsieur C

i think i'm starting to develop deep feelings. i've recently been dating this guy whom...i dont know, i can picture myself with him for the next couple of years. i think about him constantly, i sorta calculated the amount of times i thought about him today and it was 12 times. yes i am sad that way...

he's someone who i can get along with, have good conversations about everything and nothing and he's just...good that way. despite me being so stubborn (i never stop smoking...not for anyone, not even my exes) i actually tried not to smoke around him and tried to cut down cause i know he doesnt like it. i also listen to him quite a bit...which is funny cause i dont listen to anyone but myself (i'm self-involved that way as well).

the weirdest thing is that we've only been out together twice but it felt right. i felt like i could be myself around him, like i could open up and tell him whatever's on my mind.

the bad part is that he's a staunch catholic, and it's basically no sex.....AT ALL. i think God is trying to test me and see how much i would sacrifice for, dare i say it, love. i get the fact that there's alot more to life and relationships than sex, but for gay dudes like myself, sex is kinda important. i dont think anyone can feel more closer to each other without the act of sex.

but in any case, i respect him and his principles. i do hope that he could bend it just for me, no pun intended.

My Poor Knees

my knees, they're red and swollen from hip hop class just now. Luciano really loves to make hip hop look difficult but he makes it look good as well. geez, dancing non-stop for an hour really just takes it out of a person, especially when this person smokes and isnt exactly feeling very well to begin with.

so my mid semester break has started, and i'm not going anywhere. decided not to go to singapore and just save the money to one day go bangkok, since i've never been there. or maybe take my baby some place special for a romantic dinner or something. who knows...

so yes, i'll be pretty bored during the whole week, probably gonna catch up with my jogging, gym and dancing classes, and my assignments of course.

since my mother is still in sydney and my dad just left for ipoh today, i'm stuck alone at home with no company and a couple of dvds. i'm an avid horror movie fan, but no horror movies for me since i'm alone at home and i'm terrified of ghosts and ghoulies. it's times like these where a boyfriend is good to have around, to protect u from the supernaturals, "here take my boyfriend first while i make a run for it! okay bye!"

so...here's a tired, old, boring me infront of my computer with nothing better so i'm gonna put on a pirated dvd (Malaysia Boleh!) and watch it till my eyes feel heavy and i pass out. Goodnight Malaysia~

To Go or Not To Go...to Singapore that is...

i'm kinda stumped at the moment, pondering whether i should go to singapore for my mid semester break. it'll be such a waste if i went next weekend cause i start classes on the following monday after next. so i have less than 24 hours to decide whether i wanna go down to singapore. let me weigh out the advantages and disadvantages...

advantages
1) i get to see my friends in singapore
2) i get to drink a lot! i cant drink here cause i'll get caught for drunk driving here...
3) i get to get-away from msia for a couple of days
4) if i dont go anywhere, i feel like i'm wasting my entire week

disadvantages
1) a few sg friends are coming down
2) no place to stay (although a couple of people did invite me to stay over their place, i must kindly decline, i'm not comfortable staying with guys, especially when i'm dating an awesome guy rite now)
3) i dont get to see my baby
4) not enough money to spend

so...what should i do? i have to rush to make a decision now and me being fickle minded...i dont know if i should go or not. i do thank the people for inviting me to stay over their place, but i seriously aint comfortable with it.

maybe i'll just go for two days or something, but it hardly seems worth it when i'm gonna sit on a bus for 5 hours and then spend less than 78 hours there and then spend another 5 hours coming back. ahhh decisions decisions....by the way this is heading i dont believe i'll be going anywhere for my mid semester break...no where at all but rotting at home.

The G Word

i just watched the final episode of the L word season 4...damn man i hate feeling soppy and sentimental. i think i'm a guy like that, that i dont like romantic movies where people die in the end or people get together knowing they're probably star-crossed lovers. i dont think it's the movie itself that makes me a hater, but i think i just hate the emotions that i have the end of the movie or series.

[do not read past this point if u watch the L word religiously or if u dont want to know the ending]

like...what happened was there's this couple, Bette & Jodi and they broke up and stuff at what Bette did was she stole a sorta...billboard and travelled all the way to see Jodi and she came in on a tractor with the billboard and said that she loved her. it's sucks! i cant believe no one would do that for me. i mean the only thing i got from my exes was...probably flowers? what am i gonna do with flowers? eat them?

8 failed relationships doesnt make me the man, it makes me a failure. especially when all they've done for me is teach me lessons and not make me feel like i was the least bit loved. a guy that i'm sorta seeing has done way more than these 8 guys i've had relationships with have ever done within their relationship-life-span. he stood in line for an hour knowing that i like Gary Cao, got his signature on a cd and sent it to me. u know it's not the gift that counts, cause my ex gave me a tiffany's bracelet which i do like and then took it back when we broke up, that's beside the point. my point is that things like these will never touch my heart, it's the effort and the thought of it all that will make me believe that one is sincere.

i guess that's why i hate watching the endings of almost everything, cause i know that there's gonna be a big gesture involved and i never seem to get any of that. well...am i looking for the big gesture? is that my G word?

Foam Party @ LQ

i'm so drunk and tired rite now but i gotta blog. this is how dedicated i am to my diary entry and to u guys who actually take the time to read it.

i had a fantastic night. it was spectacular and great! the foam (FAB [detergent] + water) was pouring down like rain and it was wild. even now sitting here i cant really remember what happened throughout the night but i remember dancing alot, the green lasers moving and the people who were screaming and playing with the foam and water. it was seriously the best night i have ever had in ages.

okay i think that's enough for me...i'm really exhausted and i'm about to pass out from the amount of alcohol i have running through my veins. till then, peace out.