1 2 3 4 5 6 9 or 10
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
Reminiscing about life, we ponder over the things that we regret doing. Haunted by the memories of things we've done that we're not proud of or are embarrassed of, I cringe every time I think about these situations. So, if we had the gift of time traveling (many thanks to Hiro Nakamura), is there anything in life you would do over again?
I'm often asked about my sexuality, whether I'm gay or bisexual. I answer whatever they want to hear. To me, my sexuality does not have to be explicit to everyone. And in addition, if I answer wrongly, there'll be a barrage of questions which I rather avoid answering. This got me thinking, if I could travel back in time, what could I have done to change my sexuality?
Maybe it was the constant moving of different countries that made me view relationships and friendships differently. Meeting new people all the time and never having someone whom I can call a friend, it's hard for a guy my age at that time. I was the odd one out, since most of the people during my high school had already established their friendships since elementary and middle school.
Could I possibly change my childhood and be one of the bullies instead of being bullied? During my elementary school days I remember saying "This is my friend." as I hugged my best friend from behind when the kids were telling me I had none. He left a year after that, leaving me to fend off the mean kids by myself.
But I digress, does this really matter? Is the answer to my life's problems as simple as being straight? Is it easier to fall in love when both parties are heterosexual?
It does seem easier at times, just to turn straight and fuck some girl, get her pregnant and live a life of work to support my unborn child and a mother-to-be. Or hang out with straight guys trolling pubs and clubs in order to get laid.
Maybe it is easier just being straight. It certainly is quite hard to fall in love and live a life of monogamy in the gay world of infinite choices.
But I rather live life the way I am now, idealistic as it is.
After all, who ever said life was easy?
Showing posts with label Gay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gay. Show all posts
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Inspiration
It's not easy being right all the time, even though someone has to beCause feelings can be undermined, usually that someone turns out to be me
These past few days I've lost my inspiration to write. My brain isn't functioning at all and I seem to lose my train of thoughts easily. Not being able to put actual thought into words, I decided to get inspired by working at the Petrol & Oil Exhibition as well as attend this event called Suits & Ties @ the attic alone.
At the event I bumped into one of my ex's friend; Adam (not his real name) said hello and asked me what I was doing there. Being a hypo maniac and ashamed of why I was really there I blurted out that I was thinking of doing a review for the attic; which is partially true, since one of my ideas a couple of days ago was writing reviews for various places to go. So I spent the whole night sitting outside, sweating profusely and feeling like an outsider when I overheard a conversation from Adam and his friends. The conversation (I feel bad for listening but I had practically nothing to do) went somewhere between drugs like cocaine and Special K (ketamine) to invitation to sex parties.
As much as I love sex, I rather not get into the messy act of sex parties and orgies. I'm not a saint but the thought of consuming drugs just to get a high and having sex with tens of men in a hotel room is sickening to the bone.
A question came to me during cigarettes and the incessant sip of my Whiskey Sour to cool the harsh hot weather; when did this trend of sex and drugs happen?
That's when it hit me, how Queer as Folk portrayed and inspired the lives of other gay men. I stood up from my chair and looked into the room full of pretentious gay men and wondered how many of them succumbed to the glamourous lifestyle of wanting to be rich and famous as well as consume party drugs and attend events held at hotel rooms consisting of various sexual acts with different men. Not to mention having the body of an Adonis to top it off. I felt like crap in the bar, I felt more myself when I left it.
Note to readers: the attic is located at 61-2 Jln Bangkung, Bkt Bandaraya, Bangsar. Entering the world of chic, the walls are decorated with paintings with splashes of colours (I didn't get a chance to see the paintings up close) and ultra hip furniture. The bar is very art deco and serves killer Lychee Martinis and Long Islands; it's a great place to chill out and have a drink. Check out the various events held at the attic @ [Click Here]
These past few days I've lost my inspiration to write. My brain isn't functioning at all and I seem to lose my train of thoughts easily. Not being able to put actual thought into words, I decided to get inspired by working at the Petrol & Oil Exhibition as well as attend this event called Suits & Ties @ the attic alone.
At the event I bumped into one of my ex's friend; Adam (not his real name) said hello and asked me what I was doing there. Being a hypo maniac and ashamed of why I was really there I blurted out that I was thinking of doing a review for the attic; which is partially true, since one of my ideas a couple of days ago was writing reviews for various places to go. So I spent the whole night sitting outside, sweating profusely and feeling like an outsider when I overheard a conversation from Adam and his friends. The conversation (I feel bad for listening but I had practically nothing to do) went somewhere between drugs like cocaine and Special K (ketamine) to invitation to sex parties.
As much as I love sex, I rather not get into the messy act of sex parties and orgies. I'm not a saint but the thought of consuming drugs just to get a high and having sex with tens of men in a hotel room is sickening to the bone.
A question came to me during cigarettes and the incessant sip of my Whiskey Sour to cool the harsh hot weather; when did this trend of sex and drugs happen?
That's when it hit me, how Queer as Folk portrayed and inspired the lives of other gay men. I stood up from my chair and looked into the room full of pretentious gay men and wondered how many of them succumbed to the glamourous lifestyle of wanting to be rich and famous as well as consume party drugs and attend events held at hotel rooms consisting of various sexual acts with different men. Not to mention having the body of an Adonis to top it off. I felt like crap in the bar, I felt more myself when I left it.
Note to readers: the attic is located at 61-2 Jln Bangkung, Bkt Bandaraya, Bangsar. Entering the world of chic, the walls are decorated with paintings with splashes of colours (I didn't get a chance to see the paintings up close) and ultra hip furniture. The bar is very art deco and serves killer Lychee Martinis and Long Islands; it's a great place to chill out and have a drink. Check out the various events held at the attic @ [Click Here]
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Whiskey Waters & Holiday Flings
London; it's a place where no one cares what anyone is doing and everyone minds their own business. Comparatively to Malaysia, where if two gay men hold hands in public they are instantly gawked at and condemned to the depths of hell by Holier-Than-Thou citizens.
When I was in London, I met a couple of guys which resulted to holiday flings. One of which I held hands with in public whilst walking towards the Underground station. We made out and hugged each other openly and freely when waiting for the train to come and no one bothered. There were no whispers of discontent, there were no cock-staring from by-standers, no one even bothered to look.
Timothy and I, we're an example of a holiday fling. What is a holiday fling you ask? Well let me explain. A HF is a short term relationship with a guy you meet in a different country, since there's a deadline involved (meaning the day when you leave the country) both of you try to make the best out of it.
Sitting next to Timothy, my arms around his waist and my lips either on my glass of double whiskey water or locked on to his lips, I looked into his doe-like eyes and wanted to utter the three words which I knew I shouldn't. It could have been the liquor talking, but the 2 weeks I spent with Timothy was...ethereal and magical.
The thing with HFs is that you're immediately attracted to the guy and since both of you are trying to make sweet lemonade out of lemons, you never get to see his sour side and vice versa. I have had the best HFs whenever I traveled around; I always seem to meet the guy that's totally right for me but the catch is, we live in
separate countries.
Is this a sign from the universe telling me that there are guys out there, just not in Malaysia? Or is the world playing a cruel joke on me?
(Names have been changed to protect identities)
When I was in London, I met a couple of guys which resulted to holiday flings. One of which I held hands with in public whilst walking towards the Underground station. We made out and hugged each other openly and freely when waiting for the train to come and no one bothered. There were no whispers of discontent, there were no cock-staring from by-standers, no one even bothered to look.
Timothy and I, we're an example of a holiday fling. What is a holiday fling you ask? Well let me explain. A HF is a short term relationship with a guy you meet in a different country, since there's a deadline involved (meaning the day when you leave the country) both of you try to make the best out of it.
Sitting next to Timothy, my arms around his waist and my lips either on my glass of double whiskey water or locked on to his lips, I looked into his doe-like eyes and wanted to utter the three words which I knew I shouldn't. It could have been the liquor talking, but the 2 weeks I spent with Timothy was...ethereal and magical.
The thing with HFs is that you're immediately attracted to the guy and since both of you are trying to make sweet lemonade out of lemons, you never get to see his sour side and vice versa. I have had the best HFs whenever I traveled around; I always seem to meet the guy that's totally right for me but the catch is, we live in
separate countries.
Is this a sign from the universe telling me that there are guys out there, just not in Malaysia? Or is the world playing a cruel joke on me?
(Names have been changed to protect identities)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I Can Be Who's Father Figure?
Malaysia. A city that never sleeps, or probably it does, I wouldn't know being the only few awake at this ungodly hour. I came across this profile on Fridae which inspired me to write. I suppose what was interesting in this man's profile was that he wrote, and I quote: " I tend to like guys who are a bit on the nerdy side...It might be partially due to the fact that my father is a lot like that."
This got me thinking, are we attracted to men who have qualities like our fathers? Or maybe we've been smothered by mothers that we no longer have the ability to love any other woman apart from the one who nursed us since young. This reminds me of the Freudian concept of the Oedipal complex where (in summary) we men search for partners that resemble our mothers. But as gay men, are we looking for partners that have our father-like qualities? In other words, have we transitioned from Oedipus to the Electra complex?
Going through the list of men that I'm attracted to or have dated, I can't say that any of them resembled my father. But digging deeper into my personal life, I have to ask myself, am I searching for the father figure that I never had?
Don't get me wrong, my dad is great. He's funny, quirky and rather annoying, but there are no bounds when it comes to discipline from him. This probably had some effect on me; analyzing my past relationships, I preferred guys who had some sort of control over me. Masochistic as it sounds, I think I went for guys who are rather repressive and dominant.
So, is it a question of are we attracted to men who are like our fathers? Or do we want our partner to represent what we picture as a "father figure"?
This got me thinking, are we attracted to men who have qualities like our fathers? Or maybe we've been smothered by mothers that we no longer have the ability to love any other woman apart from the one who nursed us since young. This reminds me of the Freudian concept of the Oedipal complex where (in summary) we men search for partners that resemble our mothers. But as gay men, are we looking for partners that have our father-like qualities? In other words, have we transitioned from Oedipus to the Electra complex?
Going through the list of men that I'm attracted to or have dated, I can't say that any of them resembled my father. But digging deeper into my personal life, I have to ask myself, am I searching for the father figure that I never had?
Don't get me wrong, my dad is great. He's funny, quirky and rather annoying, but there are no bounds when it comes to discipline from him. This probably had some effect on me; analyzing my past relationships, I preferred guys who had some sort of control over me. Masochistic as it sounds, I think I went for guys who are rather repressive and dominant.
So, is it a question of are we attracted to men who are like our fathers? Or do we want our partner to represent what we picture as a "father figure"?
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Sweet Stuff
When you're a single gay man in what seems to be a place of infinite backstabbing and bitching, one would consider staying home a luxury. So stayed home during the weekend I did, except sneaking out last night just to grab a drink at the local coffee shop.
I met a friend for a quick drink last night and we got to talking about sugar daddies and their boy toys. It was interesting to see how this happens in another person's shoes, I had a suspicion that sugar daddies think of their relationship as a business transaction; they give their boy toys money in exchange for sex. But doesn't one get lonely in the affection department? If a man is with you just because you're loaded with cash, doesn't that leave no room for affection and emotions?
On the other hand you have your boy toys and money boys, most of them who are supposedly in their teens to late 20s, who see this relationship as an exchange of power; he gives you good sex, so therefore he gets money in return. With that power, they are able to buy whatever they want; may it be clothes, a car, maybe even a apartment overlooking the KL city. So when a relationship turns into exchanging sex for money, it's hard to draw the line between a boyfriend and a man who turns tricks at the street corner. When does it turn from being a professional boyfriend to just being plain professional?
I used to date a guy who apparently wanted a relationship with me but things turned sour when he started to acknowledge his value at the meat market. Ruining friendships and relationships, he desperately tries to land a man who is capable of tending to his materialistic needs. Just from analyzing his pattern of guys, I wondered whether he wanted me for my some-what okay looks and great personality or whether he was just out to get a load of the high road. I come from an average middle-class family which doesn't give me much to become a sugar daddy, so I would like to think that he was barking up the wrong tree if he was actually attracted to me because I could afford his lifestyle. I can't even afford my own lifestyle of endless amounts of alcohol and cigarettes.
If the relationship of the future is based on how much money one makes, does that mean there is a price on Love?
I met a friend for a quick drink last night and we got to talking about sugar daddies and their boy toys. It was interesting to see how this happens in another person's shoes, I had a suspicion that sugar daddies think of their relationship as a business transaction; they give their boy toys money in exchange for sex. But doesn't one get lonely in the affection department? If a man is with you just because you're loaded with cash, doesn't that leave no room for affection and emotions?
On the other hand you have your boy toys and money boys, most of them who are supposedly in their teens to late 20s, who see this relationship as an exchange of power; he gives you good sex, so therefore he gets money in return. With that power, they are able to buy whatever they want; may it be clothes, a car, maybe even a apartment overlooking the KL city. So when a relationship turns into exchanging sex for money, it's hard to draw the line between a boyfriend and a man who turns tricks at the street corner. When does it turn from being a professional boyfriend to just being plain professional?
I used to date a guy who apparently wanted a relationship with me but things turned sour when he started to acknowledge his value at the meat market. Ruining friendships and relationships, he desperately tries to land a man who is capable of tending to his materialistic needs. Just from analyzing his pattern of guys, I wondered whether he wanted me for my some-what okay looks and great personality or whether he was just out to get a load of the high road. I come from an average middle-class family which doesn't give me much to become a sugar daddy, so I would like to think that he was barking up the wrong tree if he was actually attracted to me because I could afford his lifestyle. I can't even afford my own lifestyle of endless amounts of alcohol and cigarettes.
If the relationship of the future is based on how much money one makes, does that mean there is a price on Love?
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Angry Raging Hormones
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll walk a thousand miles.
Yes I do realize that phrase doesn't make sense, which is pretty much what's happening in my life right now. I'm done with exams and I've been bumming around and trying to motivate myself and keep interest in hitting the gym. I see some results, and I now understand why gay men flaunt their bodies, cause they work hard for it. I've been through endless hours just doing weights and RPM and hip hop classes, and you would think that the amount of exercise I do increases my endorphin levels but I feel more angrier than ever. I have a feeling my testosterone level is increasing, therefore I'm feeling more energetic. In other words, I think I'm becoming more butch.
It all pays off. Just yesterday after my routine workout, I stepped into the steamroom to relax and feel the heat when a guy came in and sat next to me. He introduced himself and we got to talking about our backgrounds and traveling. Time passes by when you're having fun talking to the other party. I don't think he's gay but I wouldn't mind making another friend.
After the gym, I went back got changed and it was time to party with my uni-mates. It was sad mostly because most of them are graduating, and some of them are leaving the country to pursue their work but there were no time for tears, only time for intoxicating ourselves with shots of Whiskey and Vodka and endless jugs of Long Island Iced Teas. Nothing goes better with alcohol than good music courtesy of Twilight ActionGirl.
To make things even more surprising for me, a friend's friend (whom I know) sat next to me and started caressing my leg. As the evening progressed, he gave me a soft and gentle peck on the cheek. I remembered it and I also remembered being a jerk and asking him "Are you trying to hit on me?". Damn man, as I sit here and reminisce about the kiss last night, I am pissed off at myself for not grabbing him....or even jumping on him. I can still feel his lips on my cheek, and his tongue. I think he frenched my cheek.
Me being...well me, I over-evaluate situations and till this moment I'm wondering how a relationship with this guy would go. He captivated me with just one look and he stole my heart with just one kiss. How I wish I could have another evening alone with him.
Yes I do realize that phrase doesn't make sense, which is pretty much what's happening in my life right now. I'm done with exams and I've been bumming around and trying to motivate myself and keep interest in hitting the gym. I see some results, and I now understand why gay men flaunt their bodies, cause they work hard for it. I've been through endless hours just doing weights and RPM and hip hop classes, and you would think that the amount of exercise I do increases my endorphin levels but I feel more angrier than ever. I have a feeling my testosterone level is increasing, therefore I'm feeling more energetic. In other words, I think I'm becoming more butch.
It all pays off. Just yesterday after my routine workout, I stepped into the steamroom to relax and feel the heat when a guy came in and sat next to me. He introduced himself and we got to talking about our backgrounds and traveling. Time passes by when you're having fun talking to the other party. I don't think he's gay but I wouldn't mind making another friend.
After the gym, I went back got changed and it was time to party with my uni-mates. It was sad mostly because most of them are graduating, and some of them are leaving the country to pursue their work but there were no time for tears, only time for intoxicating ourselves with shots of Whiskey and Vodka and endless jugs of Long Island Iced Teas. Nothing goes better with alcohol than good music courtesy of Twilight ActionGirl.
To make things even more surprising for me, a friend's friend (whom I know) sat next to me and started caressing my leg. As the evening progressed, he gave me a soft and gentle peck on the cheek. I remembered it and I also remembered being a jerk and asking him "Are you trying to hit on me?". Damn man, as I sit here and reminisce about the kiss last night, I am pissed off at myself for not grabbing him....or even jumping on him. I can still feel his lips on my cheek, and his tongue. I think he frenched my cheek.
Me being...well me, I over-evaluate situations and till this moment I'm wondering how a relationship with this guy would go. He captivated me with just one look and he stole my heart with just one kiss. How I wish I could have another evening alone with him.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
The G Word
i just watched the final episode of the L word season 4...damn man i hate feeling soppy and sentimental. i think i'm a guy like that, that i dont like romantic movies where people die in the end or people get together knowing they're probably star-crossed lovers. i dont think it's the movie itself that makes me a hater, but i think i just hate the emotions that i have the end of the movie or series.
[do not read past this point if u watch the L word religiously or if u dont want to know the ending]
like...what happened was there's this couple, Bette & Jodi and they broke up and stuff at what Bette did was she stole a sorta...billboard and travelled all the way to see Jodi and she came in on a tractor with the billboard and said that she loved her. it's sucks! i cant believe no one would do that for me. i mean the only thing i got from my exes was...probably flowers? what am i gonna do with flowers? eat them?
8 failed relationships doesnt make me the man, it makes me a failure. especially when all they've done for me is teach me lessons and not make me feel like i was the least bit loved. a guy that i'm sorta seeing has done way more than these 8 guys i've had relationships with have ever done within their relationship-life-span. he stood in line for an hour knowing that i like Gary Cao, got his signature on a cd and sent it to me. u know it's not the gift that counts, cause my ex gave me a tiffany's bracelet which i do like and then took it back when we broke up, that's beside the point. my point is that things like these will never touch my heart, it's the effort and the thought of it all that will make me believe that one is sincere.
i guess that's why i hate watching the endings of almost everything, cause i know that there's gonna be a big gesture involved and i never seem to get any of that. well...am i looking for the big gesture? is that my G word?
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Sydney Blues Into Sydney Woo Hoos
here i am, sitting in an internet cafe on george street on a lazy sunday afternoon with nothing to do. the weather here is completely crazy, when i got here it was freakin hot, and now it's cold and wet since it was raining. apart from crazy weather there's basically nothing to do apart from catch up with old friends and have a drink with them. so this is how my coming out conversation went with my best friend:
"yeah the bartender is so hot, i would wanna nuzzle my head into her breasts," KJ said.
"uh...okay," i said giving KJ weird looks.
"dont tell me u dont find her hot, she keeps coming over here and serving us trying to chat us up," he said with a smirk.
"she's hot. oh and btw i'm dating a few guys back in malaysia."
"....what? yeah rite. dont fuck around with me," KJ said with a big laugh.
"i'm not kidding u, KJ, i'm gay."
"....oohhhh okay, that's a joke rite? it's a joke! hahaha i dont get it..." he said.
"i'm gay. i like guys. i dont like girls."
"really? but u check out girls with me last time." he said with a shocked look on his face.
"yeah, i check out girls. am i not allowed to?"
"no, i'm not saying that....and u had straight porn in ur room as well!"
"yeah...i have straight porn. i check out the guys more than i check out the girls."
"....okay..."
he then picked up his beer and started drinking. it was silent about 5 minutes before i broke the ice and said:
"are u thinking about me having a crush on u or trying to mack on u?"
".......yes" he said
"KJ, u're not my type."
"oh thank god."
and that's how the conversation went. so we sat there and had a few laughs about me being gay and drinking beer and walking like a penguin and getting fat, blah blah blah. it's weird telling him cause i kept on picturing it in my head that he would say, yeah i already know.
anyways moving along i met a couple of really nice guys here, and they're not as bitchy as u would expect the Sydney Gays to be like. trust me australian gay men are the worst when it comes to bitchiness. especially the asians because
1) they think they have the money and the status to study overseas
2) they believe themselves to be hot and everyone wants them (narcism anyone?)
3) they think they're educated when actually they're not
4) therefore they think they're better than their fellow asian gay men
pretentious? that's for u to decide.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Gay Mafia
i had the most intense dream about being chased by the gay mafia. this time it was my friends who were part of it cause they had no choice.
anyways the dream started abruptly, i was being followed by this mysterious stranger in a mall and suddenly i hop into my car and locked it. the stranger (who turned out to be Sam in a trenchcoat) got into a car infront of me with Michael at the back of the car and someone sitting in the passenger seat. i looked into my rearview mirror and i saw this car coming fast and straight at me, which was funny cause i was side parked. anyways the car rammed at me in full force and i hit the car with sam and michael in it. so i knew something was wrong and i started the engine and sped off. it was a high speed car chase, the ones u see in the movies where u swerve and dodge cars like crazy. so finally i ran out of petrol and i lost the insane car guy, i saw a 5 star hotel (i think it was the hilton, but it was definitely classier) and ran into it.
with my credit card i got myself a room. i went up the elevator and changed into a different outfit got back into the elevator to head back down to the lobby. then the elevator stopped, and since it was clear glass i could see the people outside wondering what was happening. then i saw them being ushered by a whole bunch of police. i pulled out my magazine and pretended to read, while this officer broke open the door and asked to see I.D.s. i gave my I.D. and then hid my face behind the magazine. he then grabbed me and forced me out the elevator and onto this high top table where i waited to see the gay mafia ring leader.
the ring leader was no other than Biau Jie, this friend of mine. and she was with her "kids" and a nanny and she sat across from me. i asked her why she was trying to kill me and she said that i knew too much and was going around telling people about it. i didnt understand...what was IT? then Sam appeared along with my other friends and i told BJ that it was me, i never said anything ya hear?!!? then she said, "well someone did...and if it's not u...then it's U!"
she pointed at sam and immediately his head exploded. BJ really does have magical powers. so she apologised for the rough time that she has been giving me and left. then i woke up cause my phone started ringing. damn gay men with their incessant need to call me....
Thursday, July 13, 2006
My High School Crush (2nd Installment of Growing Up)
It was still Form 4, if i could remember clearly, after the kiss i gave Aaron we had Job Week. Job week was basically finding a job for one week and learning whatever there is to learn and gain some working experience. i found a job at a cybercafe and basically sat there surfing the net for dumb things to put up in my website. it was the 2nd or 3rd day of job week when i recieved a call from Aaron asking me to go out and have dinner with him. i felt kinda weird with him asking me to go out for dinner but i accepted anyways. so i went over to his apartment (we lived near each other) and we had a quiet dinner in one of the restaurants that was open.
after dinner he brought me up to introduce his mother to me and took me into his room. i sat there on the bed and wondered what was going to happen next. my heart was beating fast and i could feel something was about to happen, but nothing did. we just sat there and chatted for a bit, i laid down next to him on his bed and i wanted so badly to caress his chiseled face with my fingers. i wanted to hold him and tell him that i liked him ever since he joined my school. i wanted to kiss his lower lip softly and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. but i didnt, i panicked and told him i needed to go home. i picked myself up from his bed and with a raging hard-on i left his apartment with my bag covering my crotch.
After high school, we all headed separate ways, some people went overseas to study, some people stayed here, i chose to go to Taylors College since some of my friends were going. Aaron went to Sunway instead and we hardly kept in touch due to the buffer between Sunway and Taylors.
then one fine day when i was lazing at home, i recieved a call from Aaron. he told me he didnt have his house keys and was wondering whether he could bum at my place till his mother got back home. i said yes and when i put down the phone i cleaned up my messy room in a rush. he came over and we just sat on my bed chatting while the haunting voice of Foo Fighters played softly on my stereo. i could smell his sweet scent, a mixture of his cologne and his sweat (he was jogging before he came over). i could tell he was tired and asked him to lay down on my bed for a while and take a nap. he laid there and continued to chat with me until he drifted off to sleep. i sat there looking at his face. i felt this yearn to lay down next to him and kiss his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his cheeks, every part of his face. i wanted to lay my head on his chest and listen to the sound of his heartbeat and his light snoring and put my arms around his body. but being the scared, timid and foolish kid, i got dressed and i left him there on my bed with his head on my favourite pillow (now u know why i have a favourite pillow) and went out for a jog to clear my mind.
i was jogging around my area for a good hour and returned back to my house to grab a drink from my bottled water when i saw him come out with puffy bloodshot eyes. he thanked me for letting him crash at my house and mumbled something under his breath. i told he could come over anytime he wanted and we said goodbye. this was the last i ever saw of him. my high school crush, i can still remember his scent, his mellow voice, his haunting songs (he used to be in a band). how i wish i could see him again...
after dinner he brought me up to introduce his mother to me and took me into his room. i sat there on the bed and wondered what was going to happen next. my heart was beating fast and i could feel something was about to happen, but nothing did. we just sat there and chatted for a bit, i laid down next to him on his bed and i wanted so badly to caress his chiseled face with my fingers. i wanted to hold him and tell him that i liked him ever since he joined my school. i wanted to kiss his lower lip softly and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. but i didnt, i panicked and told him i needed to go home. i picked myself up from his bed and with a raging hard-on i left his apartment with my bag covering my crotch.
After high school, we all headed separate ways, some people went overseas to study, some people stayed here, i chose to go to Taylors College since some of my friends were going. Aaron went to Sunway instead and we hardly kept in touch due to the buffer between Sunway and Taylors.
then one fine day when i was lazing at home, i recieved a call from Aaron. he told me he didnt have his house keys and was wondering whether he could bum at my place till his mother got back home. i said yes and when i put down the phone i cleaned up my messy room in a rush. he came over and we just sat on my bed chatting while the haunting voice of Foo Fighters played softly on my stereo. i could smell his sweet scent, a mixture of his cologne and his sweat (he was jogging before he came over). i could tell he was tired and asked him to lay down on my bed for a while and take a nap. he laid there and continued to chat with me until he drifted off to sleep. i sat there looking at his face. i felt this yearn to lay down next to him and kiss his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his cheeks, every part of his face. i wanted to lay my head on his chest and listen to the sound of his heartbeat and his light snoring and put my arms around his body. but being the scared, timid and foolish kid, i got dressed and i left him there on my bed with his head on my favourite pillow (now u know why i have a favourite pillow) and went out for a jog to clear my mind.
i was jogging around my area for a good hour and returned back to my house to grab a drink from my bottled water when i saw him come out with puffy bloodshot eyes. he thanked me for letting him crash at my house and mumbled something under his breath. i told he could come over anytime he wanted and we said goodbye. this was the last i ever saw of him. my high school crush, i can still remember his scent, his mellow voice, his haunting songs (he used to be in a band). how i wish i could see him again...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Growing Up
I didnt grow up gay, at the age of 7 i had a girlfriend during my Prep school days. her name was Min Yong and i thought she was the prettiest girl i've ever seen and i gave her a flower i found somewhere around the swings in my school. she left when i was 8 years old, totally broke my heart until this other girl Jennifer came along. Jennifer was sweet, i picked up another flower and gave it to her. that was when she took my flower and threw it away and claimed that i had cooties. everybody laughed. it was a tough year for me.
so yeah i transfered from Indonesia to Malaysia (dont get me wrong, i'm 100% Malaysian Chinese) and that was when all the politics started. i was new to school and i didnt know anyone and everyone picked on the new guy which was me. it was bad, i missed my prep school so badly. i needed a saviour, i needed a hero in my life, i basically needed someone to hide behind when the school bullies came along. that was the time when i started noticing my high school I.T. teacher. yeah he was cute and never gave me any shit in high school. i secretly had a crush on him until he left halfway through my high school.
i had a girlfriend named Shen Yi for a short period of time during the era of sexual confusion. during recess we would hang out with each other, right after school we would get ice cream and hug each other and when we went home we could call each other and talk about everything. that was when the teasing and the drama all began. not liking the attention that i was getting i slowly detached myself away from her and found other things to pre-occupy my time.
Form 4 came and so did this guy called Aaron Tan. he joined my class and sat next to me. he just transfered from his high school in America back to my high school in Malaysia and had this charisma about him which i fell in love with. we were very good friends until the popular SOBs brainwashed him into doing all sort of nonsense, but we still remained good friends. he went out with my good friend and she broke his heart (this good friend of mine grew up to be a lesbian). throughout the time they went out with each other my heart ached everytime i saw them together. after their breakup, he started going out with other girls and apart from seeing him in class, i didnt get to see much of him around.
Aaron Tan, my high school crush. i still remember the brief kiss we had during one of the dances in our school. he was going out with the grotesque Natalie and they were both sitting there outside the hall with a bunch of people. oh right before i continue on, there was this fashion statement in our school where bisexuality was in and heterosexuality and homosexuality was out, Celebrate the Best of Both Worlds we would say. yeah i cant say i didnt help start that fad in school. SO....anyways, i was going back home and so i said goodbye to him and natalie, so he gestured for me to come to him and i moved in closer and he said goodbye and leaned in. so i thought to myself "what a great time to kiss him", so i did it. and i pretended it wasnt a big deal and i just went off. my cheeks were burning red, i could feel the heat being released from my body. that was the one and only kiss i treasure and cherish and the memory of it will foever be locked away in my heart.
To Be Continued...
P.S. sorry guys i need to head off now but i will continue this tragic life story of mine for ur pleasure of reading it. ask me any questions if u're unclear of what happened. Thanks!
so yeah i transfered from Indonesia to Malaysia (dont get me wrong, i'm 100% Malaysian Chinese) and that was when all the politics started. i was new to school and i didnt know anyone and everyone picked on the new guy which was me. it was bad, i missed my prep school so badly. i needed a saviour, i needed a hero in my life, i basically needed someone to hide behind when the school bullies came along. that was the time when i started noticing my high school I.T. teacher. yeah he was cute and never gave me any shit in high school. i secretly had a crush on him until he left halfway through my high school.
i had a girlfriend named Shen Yi for a short period of time during the era of sexual confusion. during recess we would hang out with each other, right after school we would get ice cream and hug each other and when we went home we could call each other and talk about everything. that was when the teasing and the drama all began. not liking the attention that i was getting i slowly detached myself away from her and found other things to pre-occupy my time.
Form 4 came and so did this guy called Aaron Tan. he joined my class and sat next to me. he just transfered from his high school in America back to my high school in Malaysia and had this charisma about him which i fell in love with. we were very good friends until the popular SOBs brainwashed him into doing all sort of nonsense, but we still remained good friends. he went out with my good friend and she broke his heart (this good friend of mine grew up to be a lesbian). throughout the time they went out with each other my heart ached everytime i saw them together. after their breakup, he started going out with other girls and apart from seeing him in class, i didnt get to see much of him around.
Aaron Tan, my high school crush. i still remember the brief kiss we had during one of the dances in our school. he was going out with the grotesque Natalie and they were both sitting there outside the hall with a bunch of people. oh right before i continue on, there was this fashion statement in our school where bisexuality was in and heterosexuality and homosexuality was out, Celebrate the Best of Both Worlds we would say. yeah i cant say i didnt help start that fad in school. SO....anyways, i was going back home and so i said goodbye to him and natalie, so he gestured for me to come to him and i moved in closer and he said goodbye and leaned in. so i thought to myself "what a great time to kiss him", so i did it. and i pretended it wasnt a big deal and i just went off. my cheeks were burning red, i could feel the heat being released from my body. that was the one and only kiss i treasure and cherish and the memory of it will foever be locked away in my heart.
To Be Continued...
P.S. sorry guys i need to head off now but i will continue this tragic life story of mine for ur pleasure of reading it. ask me any questions if u're unclear of what happened. Thanks!
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