Freedom

I'm free! Free from the constraints of Monash and studying! This is the moment where I say adieu to exams, assignments, presentations, etc.

I shall look forward. Look forward I shall, to an era of working till I drop dead and retire. What a fabulous life it is.

Anyway I manage to get a couple of shots (with the help of my paparazzi friend) of the vigil I went to in Kamunting. Enjoy!

BMW - Bitching, Moaning, Whining.

Have you ever woke up and wondered, "What am I doing?".

In these past few days I've been slightly blue and I can't seem to pinpoint the reason why, so I'm going to be lazy and uncreative and list the reasons here.

Ethan's Excuses For Being Blue
1) Exam stress.
2) The realization that I'm graduating and I will no longer be a student. The transition from study to work is frightening.
3) Leaving Malaysia for work.
4) Listening to emo music these past few days.
5) The time of the year. June.

In my past entries, I have always been bitching about the fact that my birthday sucked and this year, it's not going to be any different; I'm going to sit here and whine and moan like an old man in an old folk's home being visited by his unfilial family.

Think about it, I'm a year closer to death. I'm going to have to be matured and grow up. I'll be 24, not 23, not 22, not 19 (Ethan CAN count!). This sucks big time.

Watch out world. I'm a bitter old man in the making.

A Date With Destiny

A mother once told her daughter after she got married that it is Yuan Fen. She asked her mother what that meant. After a minute of silence, the mother replied "It is an apportionment of love which is destined for you in this world."


-Hunger by Lan Samantha Chang-

Biodata Shmiodata

I didn't know going on a study trip was that hard. I have to write a biodata about myself and I really do hate writing about myself (how conceited!). So I came up with this.

Ethan was born out of a rock and became a flower at the tender age of 16. Traveling up the wall, reaching for the roof; he waters himself daily and covers himself with fertilizer and makes sure he gets enough sunlight to grow. Grow he did, into a beautiful butterfly. It stares at victims with its beady eyes, watching them go about their daily business. The butterfly snares its prey through its wings and unhinges its jaws to swallow the prey whole. The food is then digested through acids and screams for mercy as its skin slowly dissolves into a massive pulp of flesh. What a pretty butterfly! *floats away*

How random.

Most Haunted

Malaysia; a land of "multi-culturalism". We believe it to be a place where all ethnicities live in racial harmony and there is no conflict between races and religion. Bullshit.

We live in a society where religion plays a big part of our lives; being Buddhist, Taoist, Muslim, Christian - we all separate ourselves into certain religious groups and identities. The thing that ties our identities together is the fact that we all believe in spirits; whether it's angelic or demonic is up to us to decide.

In oriental cultures, we believe in ghosts; spirits that come back from the dead to finish unfinished businesses and haunt the living. I am currently being haunted by several ghosts. Ghosts that seem to disrupt my life and send me in a whirlpool of emotions. Ghosts of my relationships past.

I see them everywhere. The picture we took together in Genting, where we looked like nothing could kill our love for each other, quietly and strategically placed in the corner of my room. The gift he gave me out of the blue, just to cheer me up. The teddy bear he sent to me lying on my bed, its black eyes seem to stare at me with pity. I am haunted everyday of my life, knowing that my relationships failed and could never again be resurrected.

A friend once told me, "You would know when you encounter a ghost; the hairs on your back would stand up and you would get cold shivers. So when you encounter a ghost (pauses and knocks on wood), you just have to acknowledge it and ask it to leave."

I came back home from lectures today to a room filled with negative juju energy. As I walked into my room, I found a pile of papers carefully and neatly placed on my table. The moment I looked at it, I immediately felt discomfort and remembered what my friend told me. It was a phone bill, amounting to quite a figure. As I flipped through the pages, the number with the highest amounts kept on appearing. It was his number.

I thought that ending relationships were like encounters with ghosts - you acknowledge its presence and ask it to leave. That was exactly what I did in my previous relationship.

But now I just feel more haunted than ever.

Looking Forward To Looking Back On These Days

It's been an awful week. Let me count the ways.

1) Assignment deadlines popping everywhere.
2) Exams coming up real soon. (Super Stress Power!)
3) Com-poo-ter got struck by lightning during a storm; replaced motherboard and power supply for a whooping RM550.
4) Assignment due the day after com-poo-ter got struck.
5) Stumbled across an ex's profile to see that he's dating a guy that I was interested in. (Sigh...)
6) Bumped into another ex in a supermarket (of all places!) to find that he's with the guy that he had a thing with while he was with me.
7) Got molested by some guy after I passed out from drinking too much. Okay, maybe this is a good thing so I shall put it in my Happy section.

If these things don't constitute to a breakdown, I don't know what would.

I'm suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of insecurity. Everyone seems capable of moving on a having a sustainable relationship. So why can't I? I refuse to believe that Fate hasn't handed me the right guy yet or that it's written in stone that I will be a bachelor forever.

It's alright if it's one failed relationship or maybe two, but going through various ways of heartbreak, I've got to ask myself; is it me?!?!

I've been good. I've been faithful. I've tried the monogamous approach to relationships. Still I can't seem to find a reason to why I'm not able to sustain a long term relationship. And the question still rings on in my head, the question I dread being asked; why are you still single? Like hell I know! And there's always the generic answer from them - "Oh maybe you're just too picky".

Excuse me, while I recap my life. I've dated the undesirables. Trust me, they're equally as bad.

Mayhap answers will come to me when I least expect it.

So I'll wait.

And I'll wait.

And I'll wait.

But only till the next guy who comes along.

Stalker Potential

The Annexe at Central Market has hot guys. I'll be hanging out there for the rest of the week.

I just went for this Alternative Book Fair held at the Central Market Annexe and damn there were a lot of things happening such as the talks given by Farish Noor and a couple of other intellectuals (I would write their name here but I totally forgot). I paid attention to their talks of course, but with my eyes wandering around and iRaping men. Yum yum. What a good day Saturday was. The energy was fantastic and I have a new victim to stalk (hoo-ray for art). A very yummilicious artist by the name of Mun Kao. I bought a shirt from him knowing very well I wouldn't be able to fit in it. That's how sad I am. But let's face it, it's for a good cause; supporting cute artists.

Yeap, I shall stalk him until he agrees to be mine and mine forever. HUAHAHAHAAHA!

He's THAT Fergielicious.