Hybrid of Emotions

A mixed up boy feeling lost in a complex world. That's who I am.

I completed my examination an hour ago and I have another one to prepare for next week. Unfortunately I had taken a sip from the ambrosia of happiness and it has switched me from Studying to Holiday Mode. Side effects? Confusion and emo.

Tonight is my friend's birthday, which I won't be attending because of personal reasons. Emo is the three letter word I'm feeling at the moment, probably because I want to attend this party but I don't want to face my ex alone. I am currently dating someone, but I don't want to go through the process of making each other jealous. I would like to think that I'm past that. I rather not go than to create unnecessary scenes.

Then the thought of friends have come to my attention. I have many acquaintances but I don't exactly have friends whom I can speak to about what matters in my life. All I have is this blog, 200 posts of thoughts and emotions that I can't exactly explain in person due to the wall I set up around myself. Does that explain why I am all alone? Even within my prison walls I have missing bricks in which I stick my hand out for someone to grab hold on to, but to no avail.

I give and I give and I give. But it seems like no one has ever bothered giving it back. Being taken advantage of should be my forte, after all I can't bear seeing who I deem as friends suffer.

I went through a process in my life; putting myself first. I don't think I have ever completed it. I seem to be running in circles, meeting the same people over and over again. People who use other people, people who have bad intentions and hidden agendas, people who I don't think deserve friends.

Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? How is it that I attract so many people like these? I really don't understand. I really don't.