Breaking Up Is Never Easy

i always manage to find myself in the worst possible situation that no other ordinary person faces in their life. i'm single again...forutnately i managed to escape my bad dating cycle before it eventually unhinges it's jaws and swallows me whole. the reason? easy, because he reminded me so much of my ex it's not even funny. he's controlling, he's so full of himself, he treats me like another person he can walk all over and he's extremely jealous. i can see myself a few months down the road being in the same position i was last time with my ex and i really really do not want to repeat that cycle.

i look back and sometimes i wonder whether i'm supposed to find someone that i know is bad for myself. anyways enough of brooding and tears and explanations, i've had enough of it today. not to mention there's a few doppelgangers running around trying to copy the way i write, the way i dress, the way i talk and whatever. i seriously dont understand why, it's not like i'm someone special or anything, i'm not a celebrity and i'm not someone who can attract alot of people. so why would someone want to copy and paste my identity onto theirs? and i do not find it flattering, i find it insulting. call me selfish but i didnt spend 22 years of my life trying to find myself and my whole identity for someone else to copy and potray as their own. that's just plain sloppy and lazy. so kids, learn a valuable lesson, dont try to be someone u're not, just be urself and do stuff which builds character. and for u doppelgangers reading this, i suppose there's nothing left for me to say except u cannot be me and copying me wont let u become me, so try leading ur own life instead. for now i'm gonna drive down to 65 and hopefully just mope in the corner or something.

Dear Marcus,

Look, i know i owe an explanation to why i broke up with you but that doesnt mean u can slam down the phone on me and pretend not to see me in LQ. I know very well u saw me and u just looked the other way.

the reason why i broke up with u is not because i dont love u anymore, and i know u loved me alot and i appreciated it and i loved u back, but the reason is because we couldnt work things out. i tried in our relationship, i really did try and it didnt work, i gave u many chances and so did u to me, we gave each other chances and on my side i tried very very hard to live up to our expectations of myself. but on my side i feel like u were treating me like a carpet and whenever u feel like it u just get angry at me or whenever u feel like it u would just step all over me. i have grown to respect myself and i cannot take it any longer. this is the reason why i felt that the relationship couldnt go on any longer. i have tried talking to u about this, i have tried telling u subtly and i have tried telling u blatantly, but u just never got it into ur system. and do not compare urself with me, coz if u had any problems with me before u would have told me about it then instead of keeping it inside and waiting for me to burst out and then bring all these things up.

i didnt break up with u because i suspected u were fooling around with someone else or trying to fool around with someone else or was going to, that thing happened in the past. i really feel strongly about this and i cannot waste anymore time on giving chances. i just wanted u to know how i feel so u could stop being angry at me and let it go.

let's try to be civil about this and be mature. i do not want the whole fiasco of me looking at u and turning the other way or vice versa. i rather be courteous and resposible for my actions and acknowledge that the past is the past. we both cannot run away or deny that we were together and we definitely cannot run away from the future of ever bumping into each other. so the next time i see u i will definitely say hello or at least acknowledge the fact that u are there.

i know it took alot of courage for u to sms me for the college icon semi finals. i know it took alot of guts for u to call me and speak to me on the phone before the semi finals. and i'm glad u did it, but despite u doing that it was still full of bitterness and hate, u didnt even want to give me the telephone number for the guy who rents out drums and does sound and lighting.

look all i'm trying to say is that i wish that u would let that bitterness and hate go and face the past because it will pave a path for ur future. u have been my best boyfriend that i will ever have and u will forever be a part of me. i dont ever want to see u turn ur back and face the other way and pretend that i'm not there. i want us to be civil to each other and be mature about everything. but if u do want to be like this then i have done everything i can, i cant force u to do anything anymore. this is not being dramatic or wanting to cause any shit, but i will wait for the day when we can have a decent conversation and have a laugh about things in the past.

Love,
Ethan



His Response: "Sorry, I cant do tat, I rather not see u. Good luck!"

Underneath It All

breaking up is really hard. especially when u find out ur partner has been cheating behind ur back after u break up. to be honest i was so angry at first but speaking to a dear and wise friend, i realized i should channel the anger into something that builds character and would do me good, so i'm going to join the GYM! yeah yeah i know, i've been ranting on about how the gym is evil and it's like a cult and everything but i figured if i could at least get healthier from it why not? i just need to channel this angry part of me into a punching bag or running till i have no breath.

so from this time till i settle down in a gym i plan to rant on about other things instead, well only to my friends when we're out having a drink.

okay i sorta have no idea what else to write here anymore. it's been too long since i put down my thoughts so it's too scattered. i think i'll just leave it at this and continue on tomorow. have a good week ahead guys!

Marcus & Me

i dont know what to feel. yesterday night was absolutely blurry apart from the first part of the night which was arriving at LQ, dressed horribly. so i woke up today with marcus next to me. i felt...full, complete. i missed him so much and having him lying next to me just felt so wonderful. there's just so many things i wanted to say, but i dare not say it, i'm just really scared i might screw things up if i said something wrong. we later met up with jo wen and her friends at Redbox and...it just felt weird. i love him so much but it felt like we were strangers coz we broke up for so long. i want to forget about the past and look forward to the future. i dont care anymore...i used to be insecure and i still am, but i just dont want our pasts to get in the way anymore. i dont know what's going on with us, whether we are together again or what but i really wish that we really are together again. i just missed him so much these past few months...