Mirror Image

waking up with a big smile on my face, i realized that it's P's birthday after picking up my phone to check msgs. so i called him and wished him a great birthday and then he told me it's next week. so i decided to get up and have a great day by just being me...

i got to the bathroom and after washing my face, i looked into the mirror. what was looking back at me, i did not recognise. looking back at my high school pictures i dont really think i can recognise myself anymore. i have gotten so old...my eyebags the size of trash bags, blotchy skin and an uneven growth of hair in my goatee. what was standing in the mirror is not me...i just cant fathom how i turned out this way. my hair's atrocious, i got it cut yesterday and it's too short in the front but not much people can tell the difference, but i can. i think it was the haircut that made me think this way cause before i got my haircut i was thinking i look good just walking outside my uni to get my car. funny isnt it? how a couple of inches of hair can just build up or lower self confidence.

so being depressed has been part of my second nature. i am dismissing how weary i look because i honestly dont care what people think of me, plus i have alot more to think and ponder about right now like studies, guys i've been dating, going to the gym and trying not to miss any good classes, etc.

it's time for me to be the good boy.

Malaysian Drift

i dont really get it, the whole thing between being popular and not being popular. i was placed into a school where i felt like i didnt fit in anywhere, not in any groups or anything. i always felt like an outcast in high school, and now i'm hearing from a friend (hopefully we'll turn out to be something more real soon) that alot of people know me in singapore. is that true? i dont even know whether that's possible. i'm not exactly the type who would advertise myself and say that i'm hot and this and that, i guess what i'm trying to say is that i have low self-esteem and that there's no way i can be so well known in sg. haha but i would like to find out how i managed to get so much publicity and who's been doing my PR in sg anyways. if u have been please contact me ASAP, i think Bush would like to hire you.

so i met this cute guy a couple of months back, i was told he had a boyfriend but apparently they broke up. i dont know, i have very mixed emotions about this guy, basically because he's extremely cute and also he's living in singapore. i dont believe in long distance relationships, they usually never work. i guess what i'm trying to say is that he is the first guy that i have feelings for and i thought is cute and has feelings for me as well. i dont know...it's just complicated and i dont think i have the energy to deal with complexity again.

on another note, i learnt another song from Gary Cao (a malaysian singer whom i think is so cute in a weird way because not many people think he's cute). i'm happy cause i dont get to learn much chinese songs cause firstly, i cant read chinese, and secondly i dont fall in love with songs so easily. me loves gary cao. he can be my superman anyday~

Tired

it's 2.30AM in the morning and i just had a argument with my mother just now. i used to be so close to her and used to speak to her about everything which happened in school or whatsoever, but it feels like we're drifting apart. it all started when i came back from Sydney, that's the period when i told her i was gay. i would be good if she actually made an effort to accept my life, something which i told her about a couple of times when i was sitting down with her. she keeps on telling me the same thing: "it's difficult for me". when i bring back my dates or my exes to meet her or even my friends who are gay she always shoots them down and gives them nasty stares. it's like she's purposely sabotaging herself in our mother & son relationship. it doesnt seem like she's making any effort at all.

she seems to depict me as this sort of outrageous spoilt brat who wouldnt have any future if i never listen to her. fine, i understand that "mother knows best" sort of crap but mom, i dont wanna date girls and i dont really wanna put my pee pee in their wet area. plus i dont want to listen to u lie to me about shit just to get me to come home, and when i am home she doesnt even bother talking to me. i feel like...the KL tower, sure it's there but people who live in KL wouldnt pay to see it. and when it's gone it'll definitely be missed.

plus making me feel guilty on a daily basis just gets tiring. i am so jaded with feeling guilty that it's become second nature to me. she makes me feel guilty for being gay, she makes me feel guilty about my dad's job (under wraps), she seems to just want to make me feel bad. something which i dont really respond well to, but isnt it weird, someone whom gave life to me hardly ever knowing me and how i work. i work well with positive thinking, it would be nice now and then to give me a "great job" or a "that's good! keep up the good work" but it seems like it's in her genes to just make me feel bad. plus she chooses the worst time ever to talk to me about all these stuff, most of the time there's an alcohol induced woman standing infront of me saying that i'm the black sheep of the family.

thanx mother, for calling me worthless and trash. i will definitely think of u fondly.

anyways on a good note, today a friend in advertising told me that he proposed to have me in some television advertisements to his boss. so hopefully i get it cause it sounds like fun and good exposure! wish me luck~

Light Into Day

so turns out i'm not in love after all. i thought i was but i'm actually not, but if i am then i would be bisexual. let me explain...

if u read a couple of blog entries back, it would have said that i seem to have started developing feelings with a good friend. u see, hanging out with him was fantastic. i have so much fun joking with him and just hugging him and stuff and it stirred up some emotions that i believed to be me "yearning" for him. but today i was sitting across a good friend of mine whom i havent seen in ages and has a few classes with me in uni, and i felt something. i was speaking to K about everything, my relationships boyfriend-wise, my friendships, etc. K was very understanding and taught me alot, basically was just telling me about the experiences that K went through. so anyways, a few hours later i felt like calling K, basically becaused i missed our conversation and that feeling that i felt was exactly the same feeling that i had felt for that good friend of mine.

the only weird thing is K is actually a girl; Kathia, to be exact. so i was sitting in my car just wondering what the hell is this feeling? i'm supposing that it's just probably lonliness and not having that someone who is able to understand u as much as they do. maybe...dare i say it...soul mates?

Kathia told me today that there isnt linearity in life, especially when it comes to relationships. all this crap about "THE ONE" is just pure nonsense, there could be more than one, maybe even 4 or 5. each one compatible in different ways. she 'kudos'ed me for breaking up with marcus because she didnt have the guts to break up with someone who controlled her like a marionette and who she knew was very toxic to her. i feel proud. i achieved something which alot of people, or should i say guys, couldnt achieve. i broke up with marcus. and it feels good to say that, knowing that he manipulates his way into young guys' pants by being "charming" *gag*. i never regreted my experience with him, because i know better now. shall i list my lessons?

lesson 1) never date paedophiles
lesson 2) never date a liar
lesson 3) never go out with someone who thinks he's better than you
lesson 4) never believe someone who says i love you within 1 week
lesson 5) never date a puppet master (i.e. someone who loves to control and dominate, relationship-wise)

so there u go, 5 lessons i've learnt in my most recent relationship. i'm starting to see the light, and it's thanx to a good friend, who's slowly making me believe that i'm worth it.

If I.....

If i were a month, i would be:
June

If i were a day of the week, i would be:
Friday

If i were a time of day, i would be:
7AM

If i were a planet, i would be:
Neptune

If i were a direction, i would be:
Right

If i were a liquid, i would be:
Water

If i were a stone, i would be:
Pearl

If i were a flower/plant, i would be:
Jasmine

If i were a kind of weather, i would be:
Unpredictable & tempermental

If i were a mythical creature, i would be:
Phoenix

If i were a sound, i would be:
Silence

If i were a song, i would be:
Tori Amos' haunting song, Sleeps With Butterflies

If i were a position, i would be:
Doggy-style

If i were a place, i would be:
Utopia

If i were a subject, i would be:
Subjected

If i were a sauce, i would be:
Yummy

If i were a food, I would be:
The fish with the bones that gets stuck in your throat

If i were a car, i would be:
BMW 5 Series

If i were a slogan, I would be:
Enter Here or No Parking

If i were a religion, i would be:
Wiccan

If i were a word, i would be:
Dream

If i were a taste, i would be:
Bittersweet

If i were a music instrument, i would be:
Guitar

If i were a movie, i would be directed by:
Wong Kar Wai

If i were a book, i would be written by:
Stephen King

If i could be anything in the world, i would be:
Snow

Cultural & Communications Policies

i went for class today thinking that i was able to grasp whatever the lecturer had for me, i was confident that i would be able to understand what the uni-browed woman was chattering frantically about, instead i sat there mind blank as a white piece of paper staring at her and noding robotically.

3rd year subjects are hard and i really dont know what to do cause i cant change my subjects to anything else (stupid monash doesnt offer anything else for me). so i have to read about the policies and the politics and on-goings in malaysia. and i was pretty dumb to actually volunteer to do a presentation on the 4th week into the semester. i'm so bummed out right now that i spent the whole day just lazing around (partially because i was still in my Chinese New Year mood) and trying to read the readings for the subject only to be more confused about cultural and communications policies.

i need help and i better find it fast, otherwise i'll be left behind.

Bohemian Like Me

uni classes are starting tomorow, or should i say today or in a couple of hours? well anyways it's starting and i'm dreading going back to classes. my timetable is scattered all over the place and i have classes everyday, including 4 hour breaks inbetween classes.

i'm officially out of a job~! woot woot! i'm not working anymore which means i can focus on my studies (like that's gonna help). so goodbye excess baggage!

i had a good day today, spent the whole day with J basically chit chatting and having fun running around The Curve, watching hot men stroll past as we sit there at starbucks drooling. hahah it was a good day. then went back home and then met him again later at M, where we completely made a fool of ourselves and started embarrassing each other by pulling shirts up and pointing at each other when gay men past by. needless to say it was utterly embarrassing and obscene and funny. i had a good time with J today, he is being a good friend and i hope it stays that way.

so...i havent hit the gym in over 9 days, so i'm gonna be punishing myself in the gym tomorow and working extra hard to shed off the holiday weight. i just hope i have the stamina to do so. it's cool cause i can feel my biceps now...not really visible but at least i can feel it hardening. i just hope i dont turn into those guys who take off their shirts and start taking photos of their own bodies, that's just...too much to handle.

so i'm going to watch ugly betty which my dear friend P burned for me and it's really good. me loves him for burning series for me. and right after that i got a date with my pillow so wish me good luck on my date (although i dont need any, i know he's gonna put out anyways)

p.s. i'm a bit high right now cause i downed a couple of shots after i got back home to put me to bed. please dont mind the randomness of this blog. it'll get better tomorow