Gay Mafia

i had the most intense dream about being chased by the gay mafia. this time it was my friends who were part of it cause they had no choice.

anyways the dream started abruptly, i was being followed by this mysterious stranger in a mall and suddenly i hop into my car and locked it. the stranger (who turned out to be Sam in a trenchcoat) got into a car infront of me with Michael at the back of the car and someone sitting in the passenger seat. i looked into my rearview mirror and i saw this car coming fast and straight at me, which was funny cause i was side parked. anyways the car rammed at me in full force and i hit the car with sam and michael in it. so i knew something was wrong and i started the engine and sped off. it was a high speed car chase, the ones u see in the movies where u swerve and dodge cars like crazy. so finally i ran out of petrol and i lost the insane car guy, i saw a 5 star hotel (i think it was the hilton, but it was definitely classier) and ran into it.

with my credit card i got myself a room. i went up the elevator and changed into a different outfit got back into the elevator to head back down to the lobby. then the elevator stopped, and since it was clear glass i could see the people outside wondering what was happening. then i saw them being ushered by a whole bunch of police. i pulled out my magazine and pretended to read, while this officer broke open the door and asked to see I.D.s. i gave my I.D. and then hid my face behind the magazine. he then grabbed me and forced me out the elevator and onto this high top table where i waited to see the gay mafia ring leader.

the ring leader was no other than Biau Jie, this friend of mine. and she was with her "kids" and a nanny and she sat across from me. i asked her why she was trying to kill me and she said that i knew too much and was going around telling people about it. i didnt understand...what was IT? then Sam appeared along with my other friends and i told BJ that it was me, i never said anything ya hear?!!? then she said, "well someone did...and if it's not u...then it's U!"

she pointed at sam and immediately his head exploded. BJ really does have magical powers. so she apologised for the rough time that she has been giving me and left. then i woke up cause my phone started ringing. damn gay men with their incessant need to call me....

Does That Make Me Masochistic

sometimes in life we must let go of certain things that we know are bad for us like smoking. but when it comes to a point where u no longer can see that it's become so toxic, u start to lose the light. a dear friend Jeffrey (names are changed to protect the privacy of the original person) has started to lose the light. i have came to the conclusion that he doesnt really want to see it in the first place because he has already chosen his path of darkness, and it's hard to see a good friend walk down a path barefoot with shattered glass lying on the ground. i have tried telling him a couple of times that this is the wrong path to choose, giving him my own life experience such as my breakup with Marcus. it took me 3 years to realize that he was the vile of poison that i'm slowly ingesting and i had no help in realizing that he's bad for me, i just had to find out the hard and long way. i am happy now, i'm dating a couple of guys and trying on shoes to see if it fits.

the thing is, Jeffrey is not letting go of Ben and is lying to me by telling me that he's not that into him and then i hear him telling other people that he's really into Ben; knowing the fact that they cant get together because Ben is already in an 8 year relationship with his boyfriend. and it makes me upset to see that he has all these people who are interested in him which he doesnt want to let go. to spare them from being rejected perhaps? i dont know but in my eyes i see him leading them on. it's not that difficult to say that things cant blossom the way the other person wants it to, i've done it a couple of times. i dont think it's right to lead someone on when inside u know that things cannot work out. that's why when i'm dating several people, i tell them i'm not going to make it serious unless it feels right. i rather give them the brutal honest truth than beat around the bush and give them the illusion that life can be beautiful with me.

no i'm not saying that i'm the perfect example, but i did go through it and it's my life experience. and it's one of my good friends and i dont want him to fall into a huge hole and never be able to get up, i dont want that sorta responsibility of pulling him out of the hole. i dont want to see other people get hurt either, but whatever i say doesnt seem to get into him. he's always defending himself by saying "what does it have to do with me?" or "i didnt do anything". sometimes in incidents, whether u like it or not it has to do with u, by doing something or by not doing something. and this is a not-doing-something which has lead to events that is slowly suffocating him. is he really happy like this? is he masochistic like me? i honestly dont know.

what i know is it takes a human being to tell u stuff u wanna hear, but it takes a true friend to tell u stuff that u dont want to hear.

Falling (Written and Copyrighted by Ethan Lim)

"no...please dont treat me so nicely. i might fall in love with you," he said as they were holding each other tightly.

his eyes moistened as he looked into his partner's eyes, seeing his soul from within. he could see lust, he could see hunger, he could see an animal waiting to pounce on it's unsuspecting victim. but beneath it all he could see a flicker of light, could this be love?

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"No...I don't." Ethan replied as he pulled his face closer to his.

He could feel his heart beating fast, his palms were sweating, his heart was broken but he still wanted him more than ever.

"If you don't love me, you shouldn't be doing this," he whispered while breathing heavily.

"I know you want it as badly as I do. So why deny the fact and pretend that we don't want each other? Just give yourself to me," Ethan said.

Holding him close, he always wondered how his lips tasted. Here's a chance for him to do it now, to finally get a taste of what he desired. He had hoped to win his heart instead.

"I love you..." he muttered.

His lower lip was now almost touching his. He slowly closed his eyes and let himself go. He could feel his own body go limp as a tongue slowly massaged it's way into his mouth. He could hear the lips smacking and the soft popping of saliva. His body was supported by his arms. His knees felt weak. He could hear muffled moaning coming out of his own throat. He could feel a hot teardrop run down his own face like burning coals. He pulled away and re-opened his eyes to see his face.

"No you don't," Ethan said, his lips curling into a smile.

Mirror Image

waking up with a big smile on my face, i realized that it's P's birthday after picking up my phone to check msgs. so i called him and wished him a great birthday and then he told me it's next week. so i decided to get up and have a great day by just being me...

i got to the bathroom and after washing my face, i looked into the mirror. what was looking back at me, i did not recognise. looking back at my high school pictures i dont really think i can recognise myself anymore. i have gotten so old...my eyebags the size of trash bags, blotchy skin and an uneven growth of hair in my goatee. what was standing in the mirror is not me...i just cant fathom how i turned out this way. my hair's atrocious, i got it cut yesterday and it's too short in the front but not much people can tell the difference, but i can. i think it was the haircut that made me think this way cause before i got my haircut i was thinking i look good just walking outside my uni to get my car. funny isnt it? how a couple of inches of hair can just build up or lower self confidence.

so being depressed has been part of my second nature. i am dismissing how weary i look because i honestly dont care what people think of me, plus i have alot more to think and ponder about right now like studies, guys i've been dating, going to the gym and trying not to miss any good classes, etc.

it's time for me to be the good boy.

Malaysian Drift

i dont really get it, the whole thing between being popular and not being popular. i was placed into a school where i felt like i didnt fit in anywhere, not in any groups or anything. i always felt like an outcast in high school, and now i'm hearing from a friend (hopefully we'll turn out to be something more real soon) that alot of people know me in singapore. is that true? i dont even know whether that's possible. i'm not exactly the type who would advertise myself and say that i'm hot and this and that, i guess what i'm trying to say is that i have low self-esteem and that there's no way i can be so well known in sg. haha but i would like to find out how i managed to get so much publicity and who's been doing my PR in sg anyways. if u have been please contact me ASAP, i think Bush would like to hire you.

so i met this cute guy a couple of months back, i was told he had a boyfriend but apparently they broke up. i dont know, i have very mixed emotions about this guy, basically because he's extremely cute and also he's living in singapore. i dont believe in long distance relationships, they usually never work. i guess what i'm trying to say is that he is the first guy that i have feelings for and i thought is cute and has feelings for me as well. i dont know...it's just complicated and i dont think i have the energy to deal with complexity again.

on another note, i learnt another song from Gary Cao (a malaysian singer whom i think is so cute in a weird way because not many people think he's cute). i'm happy cause i dont get to learn much chinese songs cause firstly, i cant read chinese, and secondly i dont fall in love with songs so easily. me loves gary cao. he can be my superman anyday~

Tired

it's 2.30AM in the morning and i just had a argument with my mother just now. i used to be so close to her and used to speak to her about everything which happened in school or whatsoever, but it feels like we're drifting apart. it all started when i came back from Sydney, that's the period when i told her i was gay. i would be good if she actually made an effort to accept my life, something which i told her about a couple of times when i was sitting down with her. she keeps on telling me the same thing: "it's difficult for me". when i bring back my dates or my exes to meet her or even my friends who are gay she always shoots them down and gives them nasty stares. it's like she's purposely sabotaging herself in our mother & son relationship. it doesnt seem like she's making any effort at all.

she seems to depict me as this sort of outrageous spoilt brat who wouldnt have any future if i never listen to her. fine, i understand that "mother knows best" sort of crap but mom, i dont wanna date girls and i dont really wanna put my pee pee in their wet area. plus i dont want to listen to u lie to me about shit just to get me to come home, and when i am home she doesnt even bother talking to me. i feel like...the KL tower, sure it's there but people who live in KL wouldnt pay to see it. and when it's gone it'll definitely be missed.

plus making me feel guilty on a daily basis just gets tiring. i am so jaded with feeling guilty that it's become second nature to me. she makes me feel guilty for being gay, she makes me feel guilty about my dad's job (under wraps), she seems to just want to make me feel bad. something which i dont really respond well to, but isnt it weird, someone whom gave life to me hardly ever knowing me and how i work. i work well with positive thinking, it would be nice now and then to give me a "great job" or a "that's good! keep up the good work" but it seems like it's in her genes to just make me feel bad. plus she chooses the worst time ever to talk to me about all these stuff, most of the time there's an alcohol induced woman standing infront of me saying that i'm the black sheep of the family.

thanx mother, for calling me worthless and trash. i will definitely think of u fondly.

anyways on a good note, today a friend in advertising told me that he proposed to have me in some television advertisements to his boss. so hopefully i get it cause it sounds like fun and good exposure! wish me luck~

Light Into Day

so turns out i'm not in love after all. i thought i was but i'm actually not, but if i am then i would be bisexual. let me explain...

if u read a couple of blog entries back, it would have said that i seem to have started developing feelings with a good friend. u see, hanging out with him was fantastic. i have so much fun joking with him and just hugging him and stuff and it stirred up some emotions that i believed to be me "yearning" for him. but today i was sitting across a good friend of mine whom i havent seen in ages and has a few classes with me in uni, and i felt something. i was speaking to K about everything, my relationships boyfriend-wise, my friendships, etc. K was very understanding and taught me alot, basically was just telling me about the experiences that K went through. so anyways, a few hours later i felt like calling K, basically becaused i missed our conversation and that feeling that i felt was exactly the same feeling that i had felt for that good friend of mine.

the only weird thing is K is actually a girl; Kathia, to be exact. so i was sitting in my car just wondering what the hell is this feeling? i'm supposing that it's just probably lonliness and not having that someone who is able to understand u as much as they do. maybe...dare i say it...soul mates?

Kathia told me today that there isnt linearity in life, especially when it comes to relationships. all this crap about "THE ONE" is just pure nonsense, there could be more than one, maybe even 4 or 5. each one compatible in different ways. she 'kudos'ed me for breaking up with marcus because she didnt have the guts to break up with someone who controlled her like a marionette and who she knew was very toxic to her. i feel proud. i achieved something which alot of people, or should i say guys, couldnt achieve. i broke up with marcus. and it feels good to say that, knowing that he manipulates his way into young guys' pants by being "charming" *gag*. i never regreted my experience with him, because i know better now. shall i list my lessons?

lesson 1) never date paedophiles
lesson 2) never date a liar
lesson 3) never go out with someone who thinks he's better than you
lesson 4) never believe someone who says i love you within 1 week
lesson 5) never date a puppet master (i.e. someone who loves to control and dominate, relationship-wise)

so there u go, 5 lessons i've learnt in my most recent relationship. i'm starting to see the light, and it's thanx to a good friend, who's slowly making me believe that i'm worth it.