whoopsie daisy...yesterday (meaning april 20th) was me and my bebe's monthly anniversary. i love him so dearly even tho we went thru so much. ahhh just really dreamy at the moment...
anyone out there has any weird eating habits? or weird favourite foods?
i was just thinking about mine...i add chilli sauce to KFC's mashed potatoes. ^_^ it's yummy! and dont knock it till u try it.
okay...i have no idea what else to say. still in a dreamy mood. oh yeah i dislike my flatmate alot. ^_^ huhuhuhu
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Monday, April 19, 2004
Sunday, April 18 2004, 5.40AM
i cant sleep, my loved one is angry at me. he's always angry at me, i'm beginning to feel as if all my doing is wrong.
i feel as if my life revolves around alcohol. yes, i am happier when i'm drunk. no one understands why...no one gives a damn. so why bother explaining it to anyone?
let me tell u a story...
there's a boy who was happy all the time, he would listen to other people's problems, he would cheer them up, he would try his very best to make them laugh and share his happiness, under this facade of cheerfulness and bubbly character lies a sad soul, a soul who wanted to be loved not just by one person, but by everyone. he's become so good at hiding his pathetic attributes that he doesnt even realize it anymore, until he fell into his own trap.
yes, i am that boy. yes, i do realize how pathetic i am. but is that wrong? is that why he's so angry at me all the time? am i such a bad person that no one is capable of maintaining me?
my tears will not answer my questions but will lighten the sorrow i feel.
i always thought, being in a relationship is always what i wanted. i never thought about the sadness that comes along with it. if this is what relationships are all about...i rather be single for the rest of my life.
i feel as if my life revolves around alcohol. yes, i am happier when i'm drunk. no one understands why...no one gives a damn. so why bother explaining it to anyone?
let me tell u a story...
there's a boy who was happy all the time, he would listen to other people's problems, he would cheer them up, he would try his very best to make them laugh and share his happiness, under this facade of cheerfulness and bubbly character lies a sad soul, a soul who wanted to be loved not just by one person, but by everyone. he's become so good at hiding his pathetic attributes that he doesnt even realize it anymore, until he fell into his own trap.
yes, i am that boy. yes, i do realize how pathetic i am. but is that wrong? is that why he's so angry at me all the time? am i such a bad person that no one is capable of maintaining me?
my tears will not answer my questions but will lighten the sorrow i feel.
i always thought, being in a relationship is always what i wanted. i never thought about the sadness that comes along with it. if this is what relationships are all about...i rather be single for the rest of my life.
Friday, April 9, 2004
Friday, April 9 2004, 5.23AM
just came back from Space, next to shark hotel. i have a feeling my friend spiked my drink coz i felt so high when i was dancing and right now even tho i'm so tired, my mind's racing and cant stop. bebe said it was definitely E, and the bad thing about it is i dont even take drugs. i'm very anti-drugs. it's so weird...i hate this feeling. i really wantt to go to sleep. is it alright to be shivering so much? i'm thinking it's the weather. vow to myself never let anyone i dont know very well buy me drinks. i am so tired right now...my body cant even function properly but i really cant stop thinking. i miss bebe.
oh! so many hot and cute guys at Space tonite!!! hohohohohoho!
oh! so many hot and cute guys at Space tonite!!! hohohohohoho!
Wednesday, April 7, 2004
Wednesday, April 7 2004, 6.55PM
i had a dream, that my family and i were in a swimming pool, and i turned to my mom and asked her whether she knew about my tattoo.
suddenly the waters turned from calm to rough waves. my mother screamed at me and wanted to take a look at the tats.
everything was then still, i heard someone weeping. i turned around and saw it was my family, and they were all crying. i heard whispers of disappointment from them. somehow i knew that it wasnt the tattoo that disappointed them. it was the fact that i was gay, and that i was their only son.
and then i woke up.
i'm tormented each day by the fact that i am gay, and my family would disown me or even worse, be ridiculed by my aunts and uncles over me, being their only son and being gay. how i wish to be proud, but i'm unable to voice my opinions, as i am still in the closet. this closet holds my deepest darkest secrets, none of which i would dare let anyone take a peek. i feel like i'm losing my mind, but i keep it inside...i have to keep it inside.
suddenly the waters turned from calm to rough waves. my mother screamed at me and wanted to take a look at the tats.
everything was then still, i heard someone weeping. i turned around and saw it was my family, and they were all crying. i heard whispers of disappointment from them. somehow i knew that it wasnt the tattoo that disappointed them. it was the fact that i was gay, and that i was their only son.
and then i woke up.
i'm tormented each day by the fact that i am gay, and my family would disown me or even worse, be ridiculed by my aunts and uncles over me, being their only son and being gay. how i wish to be proud, but i'm unable to voice my opinions, as i am still in the closet. this closet holds my deepest darkest secrets, none of which i would dare let anyone take a peek. i feel like i'm losing my mind, but i keep it inside...i have to keep it inside.
Saturday, April 3, 2004
Saturday, April 3 2004, 5.14AM
hahaha i have no idea why but the last 4 entries i made are always late at nite or early in the morning. i guess i'm not a afternoon person or a morning person either.
anyways i had such a nice chat with my bebe just now. sigh made me feel so special and loved. i really wish this feeling would never fade away...ahhh!!! i'm so dreamy rite now.
to all of u guys reading this, always take a chance. this is my advice. yeah take the advice from a kid *i'm smiling here* but i "think" i know what i'm saying.
fate only brings u that far, to a certain extent, it could be meeting a person who u're interested in. but i believe after that, it's all up to u to make it happen. *wink*
anyways i had such a nice chat with my bebe just now. sigh made me feel so special and loved. i really wish this feeling would never fade away...ahhh!!! i'm so dreamy rite now.
to all of u guys reading this, always take a chance. this is my advice. yeah take the advice from a kid *i'm smiling here* but i "think" i know what i'm saying.
fate only brings u that far, to a certain extent, it could be meeting a person who u're interested in. but i believe after that, it's all up to u to make it happen. *wink*
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Wednesday, March 31 2004, 12.15AM
got high last nite! ^_^ woke up so early this morning. does anyone feel like me, coz whenever i get high or drunk the nite before i wake up reaaaaalllyyyy early in the morning.
my sister and her bf are fighting outside my room now. it's saddening coz i introduced them together. saw my sister crying but i dont know what to do. i know i should protect her but my gut feeling is to stay out of it, becoz it's their business, not mine. it hurts me to see my sister crying...
i just realized something, i've encountered so many people that i dont even remember most of their names anymore, and by encounter, i mean meeting as in friend. i dont speak to most of them tho, as my wise sister told me one day as a joke (but i doubt it was), my friends dont last longer than 3 months. depressing as it sounds but it's a fact.
Truth factor 1: none of my friends last longer than 3 months.
Truth factor 2: none of my bfs last longer than 3 months too.
am i really that fickle?
i'm reflecting my life and it's values and honestly, i wish to make a difference in the world. what really scares me is that, when i die, i'm not remembered. yeah it's a bit too young for me to be talking about death but life is short, and it's not too short to ponder about things like these. i just get terrified that i'm not ever remembered. it makes me feel glad as well as special that people would remember me, such as send me an e-mail saying "hey i miss the times we spent with each other" etc etc. at least when i'm in my grave, people would remember the memories we have with each other. i guess that's what will really make me happy. ^_^
plus, i wish to make a difference in the world. not some stupid thing like world peace, that's never gonna happen. with society like this i think we're heading towards a dystopia. i guess what i really want is to change the whole gay stereotype. that most of them are good looking, have good bods that can be achieved thru months of excercising at the gym etc. no one's looking for the average joe anymore. it's saddening for me to see beautiful souls being cast as an outsider and their personalities being oppressed by that factor. i honestly dont give a flying fuck what people think of me. think what u want world! this is me and u're not getting rid of me anytime soon! i'm letting no one get in my way, not now, not ever.
goodnite~
my sister and her bf are fighting outside my room now. it's saddening coz i introduced them together. saw my sister crying but i dont know what to do. i know i should protect her but my gut feeling is to stay out of it, becoz it's their business, not mine. it hurts me to see my sister crying...
i just realized something, i've encountered so many people that i dont even remember most of their names anymore, and by encounter, i mean meeting as in friend. i dont speak to most of them tho, as my wise sister told me one day as a joke (but i doubt it was), my friends dont last longer than 3 months. depressing as it sounds but it's a fact.
Truth factor 1: none of my friends last longer than 3 months.
Truth factor 2: none of my bfs last longer than 3 months too.
am i really that fickle?
i'm reflecting my life and it's values and honestly, i wish to make a difference in the world. what really scares me is that, when i die, i'm not remembered. yeah it's a bit too young for me to be talking about death but life is short, and it's not too short to ponder about things like these. i just get terrified that i'm not ever remembered. it makes me feel glad as well as special that people would remember me, such as send me an e-mail saying "hey i miss the times we spent with each other" etc etc. at least when i'm in my grave, people would remember the memories we have with each other. i guess that's what will really make me happy. ^_^
plus, i wish to make a difference in the world. not some stupid thing like world peace, that's never gonna happen. with society like this i think we're heading towards a dystopia. i guess what i really want is to change the whole gay stereotype. that most of them are good looking, have good bods that can be achieved thru months of excercising at the gym etc. no one's looking for the average joe anymore. it's saddening for me to see beautiful souls being cast as an outsider and their personalities being oppressed by that factor. i honestly dont give a flying fuck what people think of me. think what u want world! this is me and u're not getting rid of me anytime soon! i'm letting no one get in my way, not now, not ever.
goodnite~
Monday, March 29, 2004
Monday, March 29 2004, 1.20AM
today...
it's a sad day.
my life hasnt exactly ended just becoz of one mishap but i feel so depressed.
my aunt called me from msia today, told me that she knew i was gay. plus she more or less told me the problems with the parentals. sometimes i just wish there was an outlet for me, like some switch i could just turn on and everything would be just gone and fine.
life sucks! -_-;
gonna dig a hole and just stick my head in it.
it's a sad day.
my life hasnt exactly ended just becoz of one mishap but i feel so depressed.
my aunt called me from msia today, told me that she knew i was gay. plus she more or less told me the problems with the parentals. sometimes i just wish there was an outlet for me, like some switch i could just turn on and everything would be just gone and fine.
life sucks! -_-;
gonna dig a hole and just stick my head in it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
