Digital Fortress

back in the day when i had idealistic dreams and hopes, i always thought that i would be living happily with my boyfriend, spending every sunday in bed watching mindless television programs or him catching up on his work (may it be assignments or actual work) while i'm on my PS2 or reading/writing.

these dreams tend to drift away with each passing day that marks my birth into this world. my birthday is coming up, which makes it even harder for me now since i officially feel OLD (don't be an ageist and just try to agree with me). my 23rd year...it's a scary number. and like every other birthdays that have come to pass, tis the time when i start evaluating what i have done with my life; where i am, what i'm doing, etc.

i would like to think that i have touched a lot of people's lives, whether it be making someone smile, changing their perspective on certain subjects or even helping them through breakups. but...unfortunately at this moment i feel like i've been helping people out so much that i have been ignoring my needs. i always ask friends if they're content in life, but i've never really asked myself the same question.

i'm 23. i'm gay. and i'm lonely. yes the loneliness is palpable. it's made easier with friends but at the end of the day, i really would like to come home to someone. but here i am, stuck in this digital world where u scan through profiles and look at all these pictures of guys when u can never really get to know them. apart from blogging here i really do not see a point in having a profile. in fact it just makes me feel worse.

so writing here is my only getaway, where i go through an emotional rollercoaster and just vent my feelings out. i also do take pride in my writing, i'm currently working on a horror narrative which i do hope to post sometime soon.

anyways it's the time of the year where my emotions start running wild and my mind tends to over think certain issues and start evaluating my life.

i hate my birthday.