June 19th. That fateful day. My birthday.
I have officially turned 23. That is the process of my life. I believe that age is just but a number, it does not dictate the amount of experience I have. Neither does it determine the maturity that I possess. In this 23 years of my life, despite me not achieving my life long goal of becoming a docile husband, I feel I have achieved a lot in my time.
I had a dinner party thrown by a few good friends of mine a couple of hours back, food cooked by the ever-entertaining Tasha & William and when we sat down to enjoy our after dinner wine and chat about the 70s and 80s music, I popped the question which had most of my friends stumped. I asked them if they had a choice to go back in time and change one thing they absolutely regret or they could head into the future and see how their life is there so they could change the present, which would they pick?
I may be loaded with humiliating moments that will haunt me till the day I wither and rot, but my choice would be neither. I do not live my life with regrets and I would not change my life in any other manner. It made me the way I am. Despite me taking the longer journey to my state of mind now, I still made it. Through series of events I have battled my way through life and I think I came out a winner. That would be my accomplishment and I would not have it any other way.
As for the future...I am interested to know. Who isn't? But to live my life day after day knowing that my life would end up the way it is in the future can take the fun out of the spontaneity in the present. I rather choose to live my life day by day.
I came back home with a smirk on my face, mostly cause my birthday curse has finally been broken, but also because a friend of mine said it's bullshit to not have at least one regret in one's life.
"What's your regret?"
"..."
Showing posts with label Birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Birthday. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Digital Fortress
back in the day when i had idealistic dreams and hopes, i always thought that i would be living happily with my boyfriend, spending every sunday in bed watching mindless television programs or him catching up on his work (may it be assignments or actual work) while i'm on my PS2 or reading/writing.
these dreams tend to drift away with each passing day that marks my birth into this world. my birthday is coming up, which makes it even harder for me now since i officially feel OLD (don't be an ageist and just try to agree with me). my 23rd year...it's a scary number. and like every other birthdays that have come to pass, tis the time when i start evaluating what i have done with my life; where i am, what i'm doing, etc.
i would like to think that i have touched a lot of people's lives, whether it be making someone smile, changing their perspective on certain subjects or even helping them through breakups. but...unfortunately at this moment i feel like i've been helping people out so much that i have been ignoring my needs. i always ask friends if they're content in life, but i've never really asked myself the same question.
i'm 23. i'm gay. and i'm lonely. yes the loneliness is palpable. it's made easier with friends but at the end of the day, i really would like to come home to someone. but here i am, stuck in this digital world where u scan through profiles and look at all these pictures of guys when u can never really get to know them. apart from blogging here i really do not see a point in having a profile. in fact it just makes me feel worse.
so writing here is my only getaway, where i go through an emotional rollercoaster and just vent my feelings out. i also do take pride in my writing, i'm currently working on a horror narrative which i do hope to post sometime soon.
anyways it's the time of the year where my emotions start running wild and my mind tends to over think certain issues and start evaluating my life.
i hate my birthday.
these dreams tend to drift away with each passing day that marks my birth into this world. my birthday is coming up, which makes it even harder for me now since i officially feel OLD (don't be an ageist and just try to agree with me). my 23rd year...it's a scary number. and like every other birthdays that have come to pass, tis the time when i start evaluating what i have done with my life; where i am, what i'm doing, etc.
i would like to think that i have touched a lot of people's lives, whether it be making someone smile, changing their perspective on certain subjects or even helping them through breakups. but...unfortunately at this moment i feel like i've been helping people out so much that i have been ignoring my needs. i always ask friends if they're content in life, but i've never really asked myself the same question.
i'm 23. i'm gay. and i'm lonely. yes the loneliness is palpable. it's made easier with friends but at the end of the day, i really would like to come home to someone. but here i am, stuck in this digital world where u scan through profiles and look at all these pictures of guys when u can never really get to know them. apart from blogging here i really do not see a point in having a profile. in fact it just makes me feel worse.
so writing here is my only getaway, where i go through an emotional rollercoaster and just vent my feelings out. i also do take pride in my writing, i'm currently working on a horror narrative which i do hope to post sometime soon.
anyways it's the time of the year where my emotions start running wild and my mind tends to over think certain issues and start evaluating my life.
i hate my birthday.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Happy 22nd Birthday To Myself
just wishing myself a happy birthday, yeah it's kinda pathetic to be online and writing in my diary and wishing myself a happy birthday yaddi yaddi yah.
the birthday curse still lives on, despite having alittle suprise thrown by 3 very good friends. the exam, the assignment, the incessant calls from my parents screaming at me to come back home just makes a boy feel loved and happy, not.
i just wanna thank u guys for cheering me up and sending me e-mails and smses and calls to wish me a happy birthday. it's still early and i hope i dont jinx myself, but i just wish for this day to pass by quickly. if only...
the birthday curse still lives on, despite having alittle suprise thrown by 3 very good friends. the exam, the assignment, the incessant calls from my parents screaming at me to come back home just makes a boy feel loved and happy, not.
i just wanna thank u guys for cheering me up and sending me e-mails and smses and calls to wish me a happy birthday. it's still early and i hope i dont jinx myself, but i just wish for this day to pass by quickly. if only...
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Birthday Blues
i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, feeling depressed and very down, i just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and there's no where to run away from it.
i guess it's the fact that my birthday is coming up, and reminicsing about my birthdays in the past hasnt exactly been a joyride for me. i've never had a birthday where i felt happy or satisfied or even remotely content. at the age of 6 or 7, my family and i went to Bali on a family trip as well as to spend my birthday there, i remember vividly the screams and the shouting from my mother and father at each other while i sat in the corner huddled with my sister crying. finally she couldnt take it anymore and started arguing with them as well. so i just sat there and wished myself happy birthday while i cried myself to sleep.
on my 11th birthday, i had no friends who celebrated with me since i just came back from Malaysia to continue my studies as well as my dad being relocated back here. i felt alone cause my sister wasnt exactly coping with school well and went into her shell, my father was trying to re-adjust his life, my mother was taking care of the financial issues, they had forgotten my birthday. so there i was again, alone in my bedroom trying to get to sleep and wishing the horrible day that is my birthday would end.
the birthdays that came after that just went downhill from there. i just didnt bother celebrating my birthday anymore, what's the point? it's next week monday when i hit 22 and i'm celebrating it in an exam hall. after that it's just gonna be me and my pillow and it'll be on my way to dreamland throughout the day.
i guess it's the fact that my birthday is coming up, and reminicsing about my birthdays in the past hasnt exactly been a joyride for me. i've never had a birthday where i felt happy or satisfied or even remotely content. at the age of 6 or 7, my family and i went to Bali on a family trip as well as to spend my birthday there, i remember vividly the screams and the shouting from my mother and father at each other while i sat in the corner huddled with my sister crying. finally she couldnt take it anymore and started arguing with them as well. so i just sat there and wished myself happy birthday while i cried myself to sleep.
on my 11th birthday, i had no friends who celebrated with me since i just came back from Malaysia to continue my studies as well as my dad being relocated back here. i felt alone cause my sister wasnt exactly coping with school well and went into her shell, my father was trying to re-adjust his life, my mother was taking care of the financial issues, they had forgotten my birthday. so there i was again, alone in my bedroom trying to get to sleep and wishing the horrible day that is my birthday would end.
the birthdays that came after that just went downhill from there. i just didnt bother celebrating my birthday anymore, what's the point? it's next week monday when i hit 22 and i'm celebrating it in an exam hall. after that it's just gonna be me and my pillow and it'll be on my way to dreamland throughout the day.
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