The Illusion Of Being Delusional

Being single in a life of endless amounts of sexual conquests, one might feel the dire need to settle down with someone they have chemistry with. So when it comes to the tales of relationships and love, if you're not attracted to someone who is attracted to you, what is the best possible way to say No?

Meeting people that I thought I would have a connection with, I realize that it is hard to find someone whom I am able to connect with emotionally and mentally. Especially with guys around my age or younger than I am; they tend to think on a whole different level. Not to say that I am matured for my age, I'd like to think that they haven't experienced the shit the world has to offer them yet.

The last guy I dated was a disaster waiting to happen. Conflicted by his issues of wanting to look like a stereotypical Greek God and not having it, he hides himself behind a mask of delusion; reassuring everyone around him that he may not be good looking, but at least some guy/girl is checking him out. To believe that beauty is determined by others is a crock of shite. A bigger load of shite is when you're trying to convince the people around you that you are indeed the epitome of beauty.

I am currently going through a revolving door of bad dates and people that are generally bad for me and my Achilles' heel is that I can't seem to bring myself to say No or I'm not interested. Instead I wait. I wait for them to realize that I secretly want to rip off my leg so I have something to beat them with.

A guy that I am not attracted to at all, not even on the primary level of communication, just told me that I am the right person for him and he wants to "go after" me. With what? A pitchfork? So that he can stab me and sell my organs in the black market to buy his next Louis Vuitton man-bag? Huh...

Well I did the worst thing possible. I lied. I'm not going to say how I lied but I am not proud of it. I just can't seem to bring myself to say, "Hey, you're materialistic and you're shallow. Also you're more flamboyant than Pepe Le Pew. Sorry but this just ain't gonna work out."


So basking in my shame and with my tail in between my legs, I bowed out before I got myself into something I could not handle again.

Not because I choose to. It's because I have to.

Can't You Just Adore Him?

Someone once said that two halves make a whole. Is that why we all feel the need to have a spouse or a lover?

Coming back from my high school friend's wedding reception, I felt a twinge the emotional baggage I thought I had left behind. I watched her from afar, going from table to table with her newly wed husband and thought to myself, I had never seen her this happy my entire life; even though it was a shotgun wedding. I do suppose that the pregnancy was a blessing in disguise; she has been together with him for 5 years and seeing them together, I have to say that they were meant for each other.

The bride came over and talked to me for a while, and also unexpectedly tried to set me up with a lecturer from a local college. Even during wedding dinners, I'm being shunned for being single. My high school classmates whom I had not seen for a couple of years kept asking me, "Why are you single?". Like I don't get asked that question enough. I don't even know how to answer a question like that. Even if I do, why should I be subjected to the sympathetic faces they give? So I did what all single people do. Make generic jokes about being tied down.

Deep inside I know. I know it's rather lonely at times and sitting and waiting for my friends to arrive, I realized how good it is to have a partner there with you. I waited for an hour and a half for my high school friends to show up (they apparently got stuck in traffic), and I just sat there alone.

I guess that was it.

I am alone.

And it was made apparent when the dinner started and I didn't know where to sit. So I waited for the familiar faces to arrive. I had a lot of time to sit and think about what was going on in my life. I had this overwhelming emotion of missing a part of myself. Is there actually something fundamentally wrong with me that I can't seem to be able to retain a relationship?

I just couldn't help but feel like I'm life's latest mistake.