Sorry

just heard madonna's song "Sorry". excellent~~~ seriously when i look at her i wonder what ever happened to my mother. huahahah i'm mean.

so i've been meeting people left and right, been telling some guys that i'm not into a relationship and i need some time alone to understand and cope with being myself. i've basically just said i lost myself and i need to find me back.

so today was not so good, i wasnt feeling very well and i forced myself to go to classes until i couldnt take much anymore and i left. went to get some of my stuff left in A's place and went to 1U to get my hair cut. monsoon wasnt open due to renovations so i had to cut my hair in DryCut. bloody assholes all of them! especially the dumb girl who cut my hair! she couldnt find my fringe so she cut it all over the place and now my hair basically looks lopsided. UGH! and somemore i have to meet someone tomorow and i dont need a nasty haircut to improve my self image. and plus she made up some silly excuse to cover up her dumbass mistake. sigh...i have to live with this for another month or so. oh well...whatever doesnt kill me makes me stronger.

Life, Loss, Living

i just came back from having a drink with a friend, someone whom i considered after tonite to be my closest friend in msia. i thank u JW for giving me closure and giving me self esteem and waking me up from my nightmare. i realize now i have to be self sufficient and i have to love myself in order for me to start loving other people and having them reciprocate that love i've been searching for. in order to do that i have to gain self confidence and i assure my readers here that i will gain it and achieve it. this post is to remind me whenever i'm feeling down on myself that no one can ever hurt me the way i hurt myself and i will try never to let that happen again. i am able to survive without anyone, after all i'm still living aint it? so to start myself off i'm going to say sorry to myself. i have to apologise, and write it down so i can read it, to myself that i'm sorry for putting so much expectations, and i will never let anyone hurt me the way i let them and that i am not a fucking doormat.
i am not a fucking toy which anyone can take down and make me entertain them.

i'm tired of letting everyone step all over me. i am sick of letting people tell me what i should do and what i shouldnt. i am fucked off with people putting me down and saying i should lose weight. from now on i swear on my life i am going to do things for myself.

i will achieve my goal in time, i will be self sufficient.

THIS IS ME

L'ennui

i hate how gay life is potrayed as clubbing, sex, drugs and having a promiscuous lifestyle. it sickens as well as saddens me that many gay men are in fact into that kinda lifestyle. week after week of ecstasy, cocaine, special k, ice, whatever u call it man, it's awful! if it's like this u might as well inject me with a handfull of horse tranquillizers and call it a week. i mean what i'm trying to say here is that what happened to those who search for love and are domesticated and are anti-drugs? are those called lesbians now?

it's just sad to see people get swept away by drugs and see them head into the toilet sniffing shit and popping pills into their mouths. then they come out with their eyes dilated and minds just completely scrambled like my eggs in the morning.

anyhoo today was totally unproductive. i sat for an hour and a half just trying to finish my assignment and i get so distracted by smses and msgs online that i still havent finished it. not only that i was supposed to pick up my stuff that was left in my ex's place and i totally forgot about it until just now. i guess i have to leave it to tomorow or the day after to get it then. i'm starting to hate leaving things and doing things later. i'm starting to be quite anal now, with doing my assignments days before it's due...OH NO! i'm becoming....a nerd! i should get nerd frames to go with my new look.

so yeah my body's aching...i feel like someone sat on certain parts of my body for a day or two and just got off. oh rite and i signed up for celebrity fitness already so i guess i have to go tomorow afternoon...preferably after classes. i have to psyche myself up in order to get captain fabulouso's body that i want oh-so-badly. geez i'm turning into one of those gym freaks...i really hope i dont start talking about it even with my friends about cardio, protein shakes, trainers, etc etc. it's scary enough that i know some of these stuff already. yeah i'll update later on tonite...after i finish my assignment. laterz~

Lagrimas De Oro (Golden Tears)

i went to the gym today! oh gosh it's pretty cool, the adrenaline rush and everything. it's so saddening to actually go thru the process of losing weight. yucks i hate gyms actually but celebrity fitness is alright. i pretty much sat around and chatted to friends. talk about cute guys running around doing cardio and weights...ahhh~~~

i cant wait for tomorow actually...coz i'll go there again and work out and check out guys. seriously some of them are so cute they made me wanna cry. i wanted to check out the steam room but damnit i couldnt find it so i ended up showering and saying goodbye to my friends and left.

so i'm sitting here, with my assignment that's due on friday which i havent started, chatting with some guy named brett and dreaming about this guy i saw and sorta had eye-sex with. i honestly think celebrity fitness is quite cruisy, maybe that's why there's quite a few gay guys there running around. maybe there'll be something more interesting the next time i go. until then, laterz!

*update* met a guy, cute as can be. but can u guess his name? let's see, a hint for those of u who are guessing. an old time singer who has been dead for a long time (or did he die?) and sang 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?'. that's right folks, step right up and see the chinese version of the King of Rock 'n Roll. adorable and rumoured to be a great kisser (i dont kiss and tell folks). haha jokes aside he is absolutely funny and cute and hopefully we can hit Redbox to see whether his name lives up to his legend.

fabulous, absolutely fabulous.

Assume: Making an ASS out of U and ME

i met a friend who i havent seen in a long time today. it's been great to catch up with the people i lost contact with or havent kept in touch with for a long time. we just basically chated over everything, our lives over coffee. it's pretty cool becoz i have been meeting up with some old friends and i really appreciate their help and honesty. i know i have been a bad friend (WL4 to be exact)and i feel horrible coz i havent been in their lives for the past year. so from today onwards i'm going to not let anyone stop me from hanging out with my friends, they stuck with me thru the good, the bad and the ugly. and that my friends is what true friendship is all about.

so later on i'm meeting Kn and Kth for a drink somewhere close by. i havent seen Kn in the longest time ever so catching up with him would be great. hopefully it would stop raining by the time i have to go coz it's like thundering here.

rite now i'm telling my friend to msg my ex to tell him i left some stuff at his place like my Ipod and speakers and stuff. hopefully Jy would come along with me so i dont have to do it alone and i dont really wanna face him at this moment. i'm afraid if i see him i'll kick his cheatin ass. so i'm still retaining this optimistic behaviour and being happy.

~checking out~

Underneath It All

breaking up is really hard. especially when u find out ur partner has been cheating behind ur back after u break up. to be honest i was so angry at first but speaking to a dear and wise friend, i realized i should channel the anger into something that builds character and would do me good, so i'm going to join the GYM! yeah yeah i know, i've been ranting on about how the gym is evil and it's like a cult and everything but i figured if i could at least get healthier from it why not? i just need to channel this angry part of me into a punching bag or running till i have no breath.

so from this time till i settle down in a gym i plan to rant on about other things instead, well only to my friends when we're out having a drink.

okay i sorta have no idea what else to write here anymore. it's been too long since i put down my thoughts so it's too scattered. i think i'll just leave it at this and continue on tomorow. have a good week ahead guys!

Holiday Travels

Happy New Year everybody! so i just came back from taiwan/shenzhen/hong kong and i had an alright time there. i think it's becoz i was travelling with my family which made it extremely boring but i got to spend some quality time with the parentals, my sister, my aunt and my grandfather.

so i was pretty much visiting temples and villages in taiwan, it wasnt as cold as i expected it to be. it was horribly boring there, my baby was alright with me going to this club called...Funky i think. wow talk about dodgy. clubs which are located at the basement level playing chinese songs at 250bpm...yeah that's what i call dodgy. actually i could imagine going down there and having a drink with friends IF i had any there, maybe that was the IT factor which made it utterly boring, i had no friends there and plus i was travelling with my family. so x-mas eve and x-mas day came and went, taipei i found wasnt exactly really popular with bars but they love their karaoke. so a suggestion for future travellers going to taiwan, make sure u got friends there and dont expect much apart from moderately good food unless u like visiting temples.

shenzhen came and went as well, there was nothing much to do there as my mother was shopping for curtains which i had to carry from the shop down to my hotel. with an aching back and sprained foot i do not advise anyone to go through what i went through. anyways where i stayed there was alot of prostitution going on, gigolos and prozzies are bold, they would come up to u and ask u in chinese whether u wanted to be "happy". hahaha now the highlight of the whole shenzhen trip is watching my grandfather get harrassed by them, harrassed meaning they followed him around and asked him for "happiness" and his phone number. hahaha!

hong kong was good. i met up with erica and zen and kei kei and anna. it was pretty cool but i only got to see them for a day coz we stayed there for only 2 days. yeah but throughout the whole holiday i was missing my baby loads. i won this monkey doll and dressed him up like my marcus and slept with it throughout the whole time i was there. anyways i gotta run, update ya next time diary!