Confessions of a Broken Violin

i am a violin, play me right and i'll sing a exquisite tune for you. play me wrong and my melody will pierce your soul with heart wrenching wails.

i'm not writing this down because i want everybody or a certain somebody to read this. i'm writing this down coz this is what i need to vent out my frustration and sadness. since there's practically no one for me to talk to who will understand me and my feelings, this is the only way i can transcribe my emotions...

tears are rolling down from my eyes like hot coals on my cold face. i cant seem to stop it no matter how hard i try. i tell myself, hey you dont need him in ur life, he's only making it miserable and he's treating u like shit. i know this for a fact, i have been suffering quite a bit in this relationship and i dont know when the pen to this book will ever have a full stop to it. my heart aches ever so dully, and i've put my heart and soul into this relationship. the reason why i chose to work part time is because he needed help, because he wanted me to, and i did it, despite me hating to walk around sweating in the heat. i did it because my boyfriend needed me and it's in my principles to help him in any way possible. i sacrifice myself and my selfish ways in order for him to do a good job. please do not misunderstand me and him, and do not judge or be judgemental by reading this because there's always two sides of the story and this is my side, how i feel.

i've just had enough of this bullshit. it's even hard for me to type this out because i'm scared. i'm scared that he'll be the only guy who is ever capable of loving me. and i do love him, but i feel that the flame is starting to diminish and flicker. but why am i sniffling? why are my eyes swelling up with tears and trickling down my face? why does my heart long for him? i do not have the answers to these questions.

sitting at Friends just now, i just kept on looking at my phone every 5 to 10 minutes, waiting for him to ring me up. but what would i say to him when he calls me? i already told him i've had enough and this is goodbye. like a punch in the guts, i curse myself, for not taking my phone charger from his house so i can charge my phone and wait for his call. a part of me is sadistic, waiting for his beckoning so i can painfully go back to his side. i hate myself for this. i hate this part of me which i find so repulsive, a weak minded idiot who has no will power of his own and cant even keep to his word. the only way to comfort myself is to tell myself i tried. i tried to work out my relationship. i tried to make it work. i tried to trust him. i tried so hard to let by-gones be by-gones. the sadistic part of me is screaming at myself and saying YOU HAVENT TRIED HARD ENOUGH. am i starting to go insane? is this what relationships does to a person? i dont want any part of this. i just wanna curl up in my bed...

how i wish for the beating of my heart to slow it's pumping so i can peacefully pass through tonite.

Divine Principles

i'm back, and i've changed. i think i basically turned into this other person whom i cant even recognise anymore. i tried my best to retain the best part of me but i feel as if i lost it. but i'm working hard on finding my true self and realizing how great i can be.

i cant write much rite now. i'm just feeling kinda weird and indifferent. i'll write more tomorow or maybe later.

Focus On My Love

alrighty guys, i'm gonna stop going on fridae for a while and focus on what is really important with my life. dont feel sad...u'll be able to read my past posts. thank u guys for ur support and msgs, i know now that there will always be a better day. i'm not doing this for anyone, but i'm doing this for myself. so a few words before i venture on in my life without internet access, dont use ReNu contact solution coz apparently it causes eye fungus or something like that, or can lead ppl to get blind. dont talk when ur mouth is full, that's just rude, and try to listen to people and catch their hidden meanings/agendas.

oh and one more thing before i log off, for u who loves to check on me and report back to ur EX about me, u can basically shove a pole up ur arse and drug urself with a fistfull of valium for all i care. u're messin with people's relationships, i think u should think twice before doing it again coz i assure u, u mother f*cker, u will get what is coming to u, even if i have to be ur KARMA and u will deserve it.

ta-ta guys! will shee youse soon.

Sorry

just heard madonna's song "Sorry". excellent~~~ seriously when i look at her i wonder what ever happened to my mother. huahahah i'm mean.

so i've been meeting people left and right, been telling some guys that i'm not into a relationship and i need some time alone to understand and cope with being myself. i've basically just said i lost myself and i need to find me back.

so today was not so good, i wasnt feeling very well and i forced myself to go to classes until i couldnt take much anymore and i left. went to get some of my stuff left in A's place and went to 1U to get my hair cut. monsoon wasnt open due to renovations so i had to cut my hair in DryCut. bloody assholes all of them! especially the dumb girl who cut my hair! she couldnt find my fringe so she cut it all over the place and now my hair basically looks lopsided. UGH! and somemore i have to meet someone tomorow and i dont need a nasty haircut to improve my self image. and plus she made up some silly excuse to cover up her dumbass mistake. sigh...i have to live with this for another month or so. oh well...whatever doesnt kill me makes me stronger.

Life, Loss, Living

i just came back from having a drink with a friend, someone whom i considered after tonite to be my closest friend in msia. i thank u JW for giving me closure and giving me self esteem and waking me up from my nightmare. i realize now i have to be self sufficient and i have to love myself in order for me to start loving other people and having them reciprocate that love i've been searching for. in order to do that i have to gain self confidence and i assure my readers here that i will gain it and achieve it. this post is to remind me whenever i'm feeling down on myself that no one can ever hurt me the way i hurt myself and i will try never to let that happen again. i am able to survive without anyone, after all i'm still living aint it? so to start myself off i'm going to say sorry to myself. i have to apologise, and write it down so i can read it, to myself that i'm sorry for putting so much expectations, and i will never let anyone hurt me the way i let them and that i am not a fucking doormat.
i am not a fucking toy which anyone can take down and make me entertain them.

i'm tired of letting everyone step all over me. i am sick of letting people tell me what i should do and what i shouldnt. i am fucked off with people putting me down and saying i should lose weight. from now on i swear on my life i am going to do things for myself.

i will achieve my goal in time, i will be self sufficient.

THIS IS ME

L'ennui

i hate how gay life is potrayed as clubbing, sex, drugs and having a promiscuous lifestyle. it sickens as well as saddens me that many gay men are in fact into that kinda lifestyle. week after week of ecstasy, cocaine, special k, ice, whatever u call it man, it's awful! if it's like this u might as well inject me with a handfull of horse tranquillizers and call it a week. i mean what i'm trying to say here is that what happened to those who search for love and are domesticated and are anti-drugs? are those called lesbians now?

it's just sad to see people get swept away by drugs and see them head into the toilet sniffing shit and popping pills into their mouths. then they come out with their eyes dilated and minds just completely scrambled like my eggs in the morning.

anyhoo today was totally unproductive. i sat for an hour and a half just trying to finish my assignment and i get so distracted by smses and msgs online that i still havent finished it. not only that i was supposed to pick up my stuff that was left in my ex's place and i totally forgot about it until just now. i guess i have to leave it to tomorow or the day after to get it then. i'm starting to hate leaving things and doing things later. i'm starting to be quite anal now, with doing my assignments days before it's due...OH NO! i'm becoming....a nerd! i should get nerd frames to go with my new look.

so yeah my body's aching...i feel like someone sat on certain parts of my body for a day or two and just got off. oh rite and i signed up for celebrity fitness already so i guess i have to go tomorow afternoon...preferably after classes. i have to psyche myself up in order to get captain fabulouso's body that i want oh-so-badly. geez i'm turning into one of those gym freaks...i really hope i dont start talking about it even with my friends about cardio, protein shakes, trainers, etc etc. it's scary enough that i know some of these stuff already. yeah i'll update later on tonite...after i finish my assignment. laterz~

Lagrimas De Oro (Golden Tears)

i went to the gym today! oh gosh it's pretty cool, the adrenaline rush and everything. it's so saddening to actually go thru the process of losing weight. yucks i hate gyms actually but celebrity fitness is alright. i pretty much sat around and chatted to friends. talk about cute guys running around doing cardio and weights...ahhh~~~

i cant wait for tomorow actually...coz i'll go there again and work out and check out guys. seriously some of them are so cute they made me wanna cry. i wanted to check out the steam room but damnit i couldnt find it so i ended up showering and saying goodbye to my friends and left.

so i'm sitting here, with my assignment that's due on friday which i havent started, chatting with some guy named brett and dreaming about this guy i saw and sorta had eye-sex with. i honestly think celebrity fitness is quite cruisy, maybe that's why there's quite a few gay guys there running around. maybe there'll be something more interesting the next time i go. until then, laterz!

*update* met a guy, cute as can be. but can u guess his name? let's see, a hint for those of u who are guessing. an old time singer who has been dead for a long time (or did he die?) and sang 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?'. that's right folks, step right up and see the chinese version of the King of Rock 'n Roll. adorable and rumoured to be a great kisser (i dont kiss and tell folks). haha jokes aside he is absolutely funny and cute and hopefully we can hit Redbox to see whether his name lives up to his legend.

fabulous, absolutely fabulous.