Confessions of a Broken Violin

i am a violin, play me right and i'll sing a exquisite tune for you. play me wrong and my melody will pierce your soul with heart wrenching wails.

i'm not writing this down because i want everybody or a certain somebody to read this. i'm writing this down coz this is what i need to vent out my frustration and sadness. since there's practically no one for me to talk to who will understand me and my feelings, this is the only way i can transcribe my emotions...

tears are rolling down from my eyes like hot coals on my cold face. i cant seem to stop it no matter how hard i try. i tell myself, hey you dont need him in ur life, he's only making it miserable and he's treating u like shit. i know this for a fact, i have been suffering quite a bit in this relationship and i dont know when the pen to this book will ever have a full stop to it. my heart aches ever so dully, and i've put my heart and soul into this relationship. the reason why i chose to work part time is because he needed help, because he wanted me to, and i did it, despite me hating to walk around sweating in the heat. i did it because my boyfriend needed me and it's in my principles to help him in any way possible. i sacrifice myself and my selfish ways in order for him to do a good job. please do not misunderstand me and him, and do not judge or be judgemental by reading this because there's always two sides of the story and this is my side, how i feel.

i've just had enough of this bullshit. it's even hard for me to type this out because i'm scared. i'm scared that he'll be the only guy who is ever capable of loving me. and i do love him, but i feel that the flame is starting to diminish and flicker. but why am i sniffling? why are my eyes swelling up with tears and trickling down my face? why does my heart long for him? i do not have the answers to these questions.

sitting at Friends just now, i just kept on looking at my phone every 5 to 10 minutes, waiting for him to ring me up. but what would i say to him when he calls me? i already told him i've had enough and this is goodbye. like a punch in the guts, i curse myself, for not taking my phone charger from his house so i can charge my phone and wait for his call. a part of me is sadistic, waiting for his beckoning so i can painfully go back to his side. i hate myself for this. i hate this part of me which i find so repulsive, a weak minded idiot who has no will power of his own and cant even keep to his word. the only way to comfort myself is to tell myself i tried. i tried to work out my relationship. i tried to make it work. i tried to trust him. i tried so hard to let by-gones be by-gones. the sadistic part of me is screaming at myself and saying YOU HAVENT TRIED HARD ENOUGH. am i starting to go insane? is this what relationships does to a person? i dont want any part of this. i just wanna curl up in my bed...

how i wish for the beating of my heart to slow it's pumping so i can peacefully pass through tonite.