Digital Fortress

back in the day when i had idealistic dreams and hopes, i always thought that i would be living happily with my boyfriend, spending every sunday in bed watching mindless television programs or him catching up on his work (may it be assignments or actual work) while i'm on my PS2 or reading/writing.

these dreams tend to drift away with each passing day that marks my birth into this world. my birthday is coming up, which makes it even harder for me now since i officially feel OLD (don't be an ageist and just try to agree with me). my 23rd year...it's a scary number. and like every other birthdays that have come to pass, tis the time when i start evaluating what i have done with my life; where i am, what i'm doing, etc.

i would like to think that i have touched a lot of people's lives, whether it be making someone smile, changing their perspective on certain subjects or even helping them through breakups. but...unfortunately at this moment i feel like i've been helping people out so much that i have been ignoring my needs. i always ask friends if they're content in life, but i've never really asked myself the same question.

i'm 23. i'm gay. and i'm lonely. yes the loneliness is palpable. it's made easier with friends but at the end of the day, i really would like to come home to someone. but here i am, stuck in this digital world where u scan through profiles and look at all these pictures of guys when u can never really get to know them. apart from blogging here i really do not see a point in having a profile. in fact it just makes me feel worse.

so writing here is my only getaway, where i go through an emotional rollercoaster and just vent my feelings out. i also do take pride in my writing, i'm currently working on a horror narrative which i do hope to post sometime soon.

anyways it's the time of the year where my emotions start running wild and my mind tends to over think certain issues and start evaluating my life.

i hate my birthday.

J'Adore Alexia

well it's time to post up my narrative for my Fictional
Writing class. a few notes before u continue to read my major project, the
dialogue bit is in french and as a "writer" i assume that people
reading it knows french, and btw it's quite badly translated (i'm still in the
process of learning!) so do not nitpick at this very grey area.



secondly the title actually means the 7 Deadly Sins in french, see if u can
actually spot the sins within my narrative.



thirdly, there are two parts to my narrative, i did not want the reader to
relate to the protagonist so i kept it cold and simple. everything is very
minimal, in contrast to the second part which is dark and dismal. i wanted to
portray the workings of a model, as in what we see on the exterior (photographs,
posters, etc) to what goes on in the inside. also names of brands, wines,
papers, etc do actually exist in this world. i did quite a bit of research and
poured out my heart and soul into this piece.



so i hope u guys who like reading enjoy it. any comments please feel free to
drop me a msg.

Les Sept Péchés Capitaux

Alexia opened the door with her keys and stepped into her apartment. She threw her keys into a glass bowl next to an array of neatly fanned out French Vogues, one of which had her posing on the front cover. Her skinny frame was dressed in agnès b. from top to toe, her long fiery red hair was tied back into a bun and she had pink Swarovski crystal studs glued to her smooth and fair face to contrast with her sapphire eyes. Next to her were the words "Alexia Cohen: la nouveau voix de la modèle".

She tip toed her way to her bedroom and remembered her former lover asking her, "Were you a ballerina? Or did you spend your lifetime walking on eggshells?".

She turned on the lights to find a picture lying on her 500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. The picture was of a chubby and a thin girl, frozen in time laughing silently and their arms were around each other. She picked up the photo and stared at it, mesmerized by the uncanny similarity they had with each other. Her slender fingers slowly traced out the girl's face in the vintage photograph.

Celes…

She could still remember speaking to Celes like it was yesterday. Braiding each other's hair and talking about which guy in high school was cute, the fight they had over who Paul Vargen should take to the prom, the tears of happiness when Celes came out of the closet and introduced her girlfriend to Alexia. The last time they spoke to each other was when Celes got kicked out of rehab for doing crystal meth during one of her meetings.

Alexia walked over to her mahogany dressing table and set the photo down. She ignored the smudged Le Monde that had been there for a couple of days.

Model Hits Rock Bottom: Former top model, Celes Cohen, was diagnosed with having a mental breakdown after she was found naked on the streets of Charles-de-Gaulle Etoile. The photographer said she ran out on her last shot and witnesses saw her shrieking down the road of the café. Former co-worker and make-up artiste Jean Mallea revealed Cohen to have serious mental problems and had been consuming drugs during her previous shoots…

She moved to the kitchen with grace and agility, her stomach being abused from her starving it all day and demanding that she feed it immediately. A blast of cold air hit her as she opened the chrome refrigerator. Nothing. Her fridge was empty apart from a jar of pickles and a bottle of milk, both past its expiration date. Sighing to herself, Alexia picked up her phone and proceeded to dial La Favela Chic, the French version of HardRock Café. She straddled it with her neck and picked out a glass from the cabinet. Listening to the phone ring, Alexia watched the clear liquid flow straight into the glass as she turned on the tap. She took a gulp from it and left it at the basin.

"Alo, La Favela Chic, est-ce que je peux prendre votre ordre, sil vous plais?"

"Bonjour, c'est 18B Champ de Mars."

"Mademoiselle Cohen? Voulez-vous le même passer une?"

"Oui."

"La facture devoir…"

Alexia did not bother listening to the amount she needed to pay. She hung up and grabbed her handbag she threw on the white leather couch. She fished out 80,000 Francs and slipped it into one the many white envelopes she had lying on the round frosted glass coffee table. She slid the envelope gently underneath the door of her apartment; afraid that the delivery man will find out that the food is just for her. Trying to make it seem like she had a party going on, Alexia turned her Bang & Olufsen on and the apartment was filled with Camino Del Sol's haunting voice.

It was time to relax while her food was being delivered to her doorstep. She went through her mail that was sitting on her alabaster table next to her door and found the Hello! magazine delivered to her monthly from Leonard. Attached to the magazine was a note that said:

Hey sexy.

Saw your cover on Elle. Keep up the good work.

Miss that supple pink nipples of yours.

When will you come for me again?

Leo

Alexia thought about the men she had met up with and casually ended the night with their bodies entwined from heat and she giggled to herself. She tore the Post-It from the magazine and crumpled it up and tossed it aside. What’s the point in having a maid when the apartment is always clean? She ripped the plastic covering the magazine and flicked it nonchalantly. She sat down on her couch and started flipping through the magazine. There were pictures of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, Britney shaving her head and other celebrities in their get-ups for various award ceremonies. Her eyes were drawn to an article on a beautiful red-head with eyes of blue.

After former top model Celes Cohen was checked into Esquirol hospital, a mental institution in France, her twin sister Alexia took over the reign of her modeling career and stole the world by storm…

Alexia ignored the knocking on her door and her eyes continued darting across page 16 of the magazine.

Alexia weighed in at about 130lbs but soon after her sister left the modeling world, she dropped a shocking 35lbs within 2 months. Now weighing 95lbs, Alexia is even thinner than her sister and is speculated for having an…

Alexia threw the magazine across the room.

Fuck you.

She could feel her eyes starting moisten. Damn mother fuckers and their fucking lies. Alexia picked herself up and took a deep breath, straightening and fluffing her Carven couture babydoll dress. The knocking had stopped and she was ready to pick up her dinner sitting outside the front door. She unlocked the latch to the door and slowly opened it to take a peek outside. The delivery man along with the white envelope was gone. In its place were two brown paper bags. She quickly snatched the bags and closed the door silently.

Upon opening the first paper bag after setting it down on her glass dining table, she brought out two cheese steak burgers wrapped in aluminum foil, a Styrofoam box of onion blossoms and a bottle of Côtes du Jura to go with her 2 cream based pastas in the other brown bag. Grabbing a fork from her utensils drawer she sat down and started to inhale the cabonara pasta pancetta, occasionally digging her cream stained fork into the onion blossoms and stuffing it down her throat.

Alexia was halfway through her 2nd serving of spaghetti bolognese when she felt her stomach groan and expand. She took a large sip from her glass of wine and continued to eat, occasionally stopping to take a deep breath. Her stomach could not stand it anymore. She set her fork down and looked at the two cheese steak burgers, unwrapped and sitting there on top of the aluminum foil. She closed her eyes and thought of Celes, her bony structure, the sunken-in cheekbone, her perfect abs…

Alexia opened her eyes to find Belial standing in front of her. His demonic eyes fixated on hers. In his scaly inhuman hands was a mirror in which he extended his arms for her to take a look. The reflection showed a grotesquely huge woman, sitting in the same position she was sitting in, her face drooped like a bulldog, the neck bunched up in fats and her arms rolled in cellulite.

NO! That's not her! She watched in horror as the mirror reflection of herself pointed at her and laughed. Yet nothing could be heard apart from the music playing at the background. Each time she laughed, her flabby double chin would shake and flap around.

Like a droplet falling into still water, ripples took the image of the fat woman away and replaced her with Celes' zed card. Yes, Celes was perfect. Her eyes pierced through the glossy card and into Alexia's soul, her features sharp and fairy-like.

Belial set the oval mirror on the table and picked up one the cheese steak burgers. He held it out to Alexia, the burger dripping with jack cheese on his rough palms. He smiled at her, like a snake his tongue darted in and out of his sharpened blood stained teeth. He stretched out his arms even further, the tip of the burger touching her cabonara and bolognese covered lips. She slowly parted them and took a huge bite into the burger. She could taste the juicy grilled beef wrapped in the saltiness of cheese and sautéed mushrooms melting into her mouth. She grinded the remnants of her first bite and swallowed it down. More. She snatched the burger from Belial's palms and started to feed on it, each bite tasting even better than the last. Her eyes bulged out and she made her way through the last morsel, her hands were covered in oil and fluids from the beef patty.

Her stomach was reaching its limits, but she was still hungry. She greedily grabbed the second cheese steak burger and masticated on it. Upon devouring a quarter of the burger, she could feel it rise from her abdomen. She looked up and watched Belial point to the bathroom door with his long brown fingernails. It was coming, and it was coming fast. She threw the vestiges on the table and darted into the bathroom.

Alexia hunched over the toilet seat and felt it at the back of her throat. She unhinged her jaws and everything came spurting out; surge after surge of food that she consumed. As she grabbed on to the toilet seat, the force of it threw her head back slightly and it snapped back into place after each gush. Welts of tears formed at the corner of her eyes and rolled off her face like hot coals. It was the last stream of herself and she could now feel the acidic taste burning through her throat. Her limbs were limp from the whole ordeal and she struggled to peel her body from the bathroom floor.

With her left hand, Alexia reached out and turned the silver handle anti-clockwise. She watched the dark orange fluid with bits and pieces mix in with the water, making its way down the hole. The flushing sounds echoed through the hollow toilet bowl and into the tiny bathroom.

Alexia stepped in front of the sink and looked at herself in the cabinet mirror latched onto the wall. Her gorgeous red hair now had clumps of remnants in it, the eyeliner blended with her tears and was melting down on her face. She turned on the tap and the water gushed through the faucet. She bent down and washed the chunks away from her mouth and her hair. The water merged with her liquefied eyeliner and turned black as she softly scrubbed her eyes. She straightened her back and looked into the reflection again, her lips curled into a smile. She gazed into Belial's beady eyes.

"I'm perfect."

Paper Cuts

i think i flunked my cultural and communications policy paper. i am quite fucked.

sitting in the exam theatre, i was overly confident that my 3 days of different study groups would enable me to pass my subject with at least a credit, if not a distinction. once my pen touched the paper, it turned gold, i couldnt stop writing. it was only after the exam, when i went through my notes again did i realize that i missed out entire chunks of Public Interest (i shouldnt have tackled that question in the first place. what a dumbass) as well as screwed up some stuff in my Convergence & The Digital Age and Public Service Broadcasting question.

i went into the exam hall a winner. i came out a loser. scribbling whatever i know and i have learnt throughout the semester, i'm not even sure whether my lecturer Soniya, would be able to comprehend whatever i wrote down. all i remember was writing furiously. as soon as i picked up my functioning blue pen, i could hear the voice inside my head say,

"Welcome To Hell."

The Fallen One

i hide in the corner of my room, wishing for it to go away
underneath the desk, where no one can touch me
bundling myself up in the fetal position, i lay there looking at my hands
my blood stained hands
my hands, the tools for vengeance
the very hands that were used in the game of cat and mouse
i can see the parasites eating away the flesh of my morbid existence
i close my eyes and try to clear my mind of grotesque images
the memory of my life
remnants of what used to be life
what life? i'm already dead inside
as welts of tears form in the corners of my eyes, i ask aloud,
"God, have you forsaken me?"



(copyrighted by me!)

Single In Electric Dreams

been listening to alot of 80s music lately. like Starship (gotta love jefferson, it never gets old), Human League, Blondie, etc. i seriously think i was born in the wrong era. u see if i was born in the 70s i would have gotten to listen to what we call the 80s music and actually love it. well who says i'm not loving it now?

it is quite sad though, i dont think any of my peers enjoy listening to retro music as much as i do. but it's something about the music that makes me happy and sorta get a tinge of nostalgia.

anyways my charity AIDs bracelet came in today from hong kong. yes i bought this charity bracelet on Fridae Shop (which i suggest people to use or check out instead, Fridae offers alot more than just sending hearts and mails u know...). get it! it's pretty nice and 83% goes to the AIDs foundation in Hong Kong. check it out!

well i think it's pretty cool. as a gay boy i think i did contribute a little in doing my part. as a samaritan i think i am doing pretty well as i do help unknown people in doing stuff! so maybe at least God can let me have a peek of how heaven looks like before i get sent straight to hell for being gay.

i've been working on my new writing piece which is about Alexia Cohen, Celes' twin sister who has an eating disorder (if u follow my writing process which i dont think anyone does, u would know). it's pretty frustrating cause no one is able to give me the critique i'm desperately searching for, someone to HATE my work completely and give me some constructive comments on how to make it not as bad as it is. all i've been getting are critiques which say it's good, i like this this this that that that, but i have never gotten a i hate the way u do this blah blah blah. i think i can take criticism pretty well, i'm a big boy (literally) and dont worry, i wont rip ur hands off and beat u with it.

so anyways back to the topic of charity, DO YOUR PART AS A GAY MAN/WOMAN! support the AIDs foundation!
unless u wanna be taken to funky town...

White

What i do is what i know
And what i know is what my senses say
And what my senses say is this
That where i'm scared to go is bliss
And what i dare to take on
Makes my day

What i do is what i feel
And what i feel is where i have to go
And where i go is where you are
My love
My fear
My beating heart
My simple answer that i never know

Bleed +

yeap, i'm single again. fantastic isnt it? i was just listening to my friends talk about how great single life is and here i am living it again. i just have to get used to the fact for now.

my heart was torn from my body and again stomped into the ground like it was nothing important. how many times do i have to go through heartbreak? isnt life hard enough? how much pain do i have to endure before i find happiness?

C told me he had regrets in asking for us to part, so what? and he thinks that we should be friends after this. well let me say something, when one person out of the relationship is suddenly thrown into this situation it's almost impossible to recover from it and pretend it's okay.

i'm not going to pretend it's okay. i'm not going to sweep it under the carpet and tell everyone that i'm good and that things will turn out alright because first of all i'm not good and secondly i dont know whether things will turn out alright. i hate the fact that i'm always in the situation where i get pummeled into a pulp and i'm always expected to pick myself up and miraculously recover from it. so if u're reading this C, NO, we can not be friends.

i promised myself never to shed any tears for any other guy ever again and i congratulate myself for doing that. i am also making a vow right now to NEVER date a guy who sugarcoats everything and hides who he truly is because at the end of the day, when they reveal themselves to be the selfish person they are, u're just gonna hate them for it.

i'm sick. and i'm tired. i am sick and tired. i'm only 22...i'm not supposed to go through so much so fast. all these experiences are turning me into a bitter person, i'll probably be seen in baskin & robbins sprinkling lithium in my ice cream in a couple years time. i plead for a life of sanity, where things make sense and there arent any complications.

as i said earlier and i'm saying it now, i'm not going to pretend it's okay between me and life. but what i am going to do is delve deeper into my assignments and hide from society. i have enough dealing with petty and hideous gay men.