With A Tummy Full Of Beer

i had an awful day and it's about to get worse in a few hours time, probably because i would either get a hang-over or one of those disgusting migraines due to the amount of alcohol i consumed. not much, about 2 jugs of beer and i was lucky that i managed to escape the police check by telling them i just got off work, i also had to thank my cologne which i quickly sprayed to cover any pungent smells from the beer.

so why am i in a bad mood today? i just dont know what to say. i'm just so disappointed in my bf and so ashamed of the stuff that he did that no words from the english dictionary can really determine how i feel. it just makes me wonder, is this all worth it? is my sanity and my whole principles worth sacrificing for for the relationship i already have? i already have no pride, no ego and no self-esteem to go with this body of mine...so what am i to do? i always tell myself, admittance is the first step of repent, and i'm not even asking for any sort of atonement at all from him. all i'm asking for is not to lie to me at all and if he wants to do anything behind my back, by all means go ahead just dont let me find out.

i expected him to call or just sms me just to say he's sorry or anything along the lines of apologising, but there was nothing. i am just a silly boy holding on to a phone with no one to talk to about all of this.

so what held me together throughout the day? Hip Hop class in the gym was the highlight of the entire day. i had so much fun and i was completely exhausted after the class, the mentor was exceptionally good looking; i wanna say he's italian, too bad i'm not into anything else but asians. so i found a way to channel my anger into something constructive and in the process tire myself out. then i needed to find a way to tire my mind out to stop me from thinking too much and there it was, just a half an hour's drive away...happy hour beer all night (just for me~). i drove to 65, my whole body refused to move and i almost died twice on the road since i wasnt really paying attention to the other cars, my mind was on other things. so i got there and drank myself silly and tried to make myself happy by teasing my friends. i could tell people there think i was drunk, but i wasnt, it was just a way for me to blur my thoughts and not think about anything important. it didnt help that everywhere i turned there were people asking me where marcus was. i lied and told them he's at home sleeping and he has an early meeting tomorow.

so after the 2 jugs, it just suddenly hit me like a wave. i was high and trying to calm myself down by sitting outside. i have to pat myself on the back because i managed to push it all down within an hour. so after a drink later on at a nearby coffeeshop (mamak) i drove back home and here i am now. mind still racing and having feelings i cannot describe, but mostly negative. to not think of it on the drive back, i thought of the dance moves i learned today from hip hop. sometimes i think song and dance can really save someone from doing something stupid. i really think so.

Alcoholic Asylum

sitting here with a cup filled with ice and a couple of shots of whiskey and water, i feel...complete. i used to sit in my room or sit outside my lounge area and just watch television and or listen to music while i slowly sip my drink and just think to myself.

i drink to make myself feel better. i take a shot to numb all the pain. i down the cup to feel something apart from sadness. i raise my glass to those who dont need alcohol in their life.

haha. call me pathetic or sad or whatever you want, but that's me. sometimes i just like to spend alone time with myself and just try to blur reality for a minute and enjoy the moment. these are the confessions of an alcoholic.

as i start pondering about how fun it would be to do this and do that, i lift my cup to my parted lips. the liquid, touching my soft lips, was as cold as death due to the amount of ice i put in, but funnily enough when it slides down my throat it warms my whole body into numbness. this numbness is transmitted into my emotions and is sent up to my brain where it blurs my vision and creates a whole new feeling of being...me. my whole body is filled with heat with the alcohol churning into my system like a spinning wheel. i continue to pour the half empty bottle of Chivas into my cup and topped it up with water.
how i love this feeling, the feeling of deadness and lacking of sensations overwhelms me. it makes me tranquil...almost like it was meant to be. dizziness is coming over me soon, i can feel it in myself.

i could almost watch myself drowning in a sea of serenity...

Ambiguity

Ambiguity makes people nurse grievance.

my biological clock seems to be working backwards. i sleep late at nights now and wake up late in the afternoons. i hate this sorta schedule, coz when i wake up late in the afternoon, i feel like i've wasted my whole day and in result i get cranky and grouchy.

so what happened last night? i went to my cousin's wedding dinner with my parents, met alot of relatives there, got to catch up with my two cousins who were pretty cool and i wondered at that moment why we didnt hang out with each other much. i had wine and beer, but i drank beer first coz "Beer before wine makes u fine, wine before beer makes u queer". heh

so yeah i think i had a bit too much to drink last nite, i'm not a really big fan of wine but i managed to drink about 7 or 8 glasses of it before i got light headed and decided to call it quits and stuck to iced water. the wedding dinner was pretty...and a bit tacky, but i shall not go into that coz i aint no wedding planner. but there was the chinese 8 course dinner which was cool, i love the chinese course dinners!

during the wedding, the bride's sister (who was japanese) wanted to sing as a gift to the bride and bridegroom, and as she sang, my cousin and his wife started dancing to the music. i guess it was the music and the fact that they were in love with each other that made me think about my wedding. am i even gonna get married? i certainly hope so! but to a guy who loves me more than he loves anything else.

so there i was, sitting and watching them dance, while dreaming of my own scenario where my partner and i danced to the first song we heard and loved, it's gotta be something romantic like sade's by your side or norah jones' don't know why. and to create that perfect moment, we wouldnt care about anyone else in the banquet hall, we would dance and kiss each other and hold each other and whisper softly, i love you. sigh...my wedding would be a beautiful one, if i ever get the chance.

so after the dinner, i left to LQ to meet up a few of my friends who were there. basically talked nonsense and was in a depressing and nostalgic mood (it was the wine...evil wine) and i was basically bored. i didnt feel like dancing, i felt like sitting down and drinking myself silly and chatting, something which i do ever so often, but my friend dragged me to the dancefloor. it would have been fun if i was high and i was kinda showing signs of boredom, so we moved up to the disco. it was like a steam room up there! sweaty bodies and people raising their arms so u could get a whiff of their armpits? it wasnt exactly fun to be walking through that. so i decided to head to the loo and grab a drink and just stood silently beside the dancefloor just looking at the sea of faceless people dancing like there's no tomorow. most of these people were on X anyways so they had dialated pupils and were high as a kite.

so my vision shifted from all these people into this guy dancing in front of me. i was kinda staring at him and didnt really notice it until he caught me looking a few times and i just pretended not to look. he was kinda cute and too bad he was dancing with a over-the-hill white dude (DONT U HAVE ASIAN PRIDE?!?). so yeah bad for me but good for that jackass. so my friends rejoined me later and we were basically just standing there chit chatting, with the music blasting into our ears, i have no idea how we even managed to get a conversation going. so yeah we left after i got my ass grabbed by some weirdo who was obviously alone. bastard...that was really rude.

so yeah we left to mackers in centrepoint and chatted till about 5AM before i dragged my sorry tired ass back home to get some shut eye. all in all it was a fun night

i miss being with someone

Thursday, November 3rd 2005, 4.26AM

No. of Cigarettes: 21
Amount of alcohol: A few bottles of beer and half a litre of soju
Current Status: Warm in tummy


mahjong is fun! especially with friends who u know and who dont give a rat's ass about winning or losing. ^_^ another night spent at the comfort of my own home with close friends, beer, cigarettes and a bottle of soju.

tonight was exceptionally special since i just realized i have 4 months vacation and i am going to spend it travelling around the world. first and foremost phuket for the nation v party this friday to next wednesday. and then the week after that Singapore, and in december taiwan and hong kong. my air tickets are confirmed and i'm taking a trip to the wild side, parties and drunken nights galore! hopefully i dont fall asleep during the most of it. hee~

i'm feeling absolutely happy, no garden variety freaks and jerks running around and i'm content with life. just a slight disturbance of his incessant calls and SMSes, which is no big deal since the phone can be switched off at a click of a button! Hooray for technology!

feeling absolutely restless at the moment and psyched about today, we're going Gay-Hunting, that's rite, it's Gay-Hunting Season which means targeting suitable candidates (lesbian or gay) to be subjected to a day of flirtation and passing out piss drunk. huahahaha~

Fun times ahead? Look out for the E sign.