With A Tummy Full Of Beer

i had an awful day and it's about to get worse in a few hours time, probably because i would either get a hang-over or one of those disgusting migraines due to the amount of alcohol i consumed. not much, about 2 jugs of beer and i was lucky that i managed to escape the police check by telling them i just got off work, i also had to thank my cologne which i quickly sprayed to cover any pungent smells from the beer.

so why am i in a bad mood today? i just dont know what to say. i'm just so disappointed in my bf and so ashamed of the stuff that he did that no words from the english dictionary can really determine how i feel. it just makes me wonder, is this all worth it? is my sanity and my whole principles worth sacrificing for for the relationship i already have? i already have no pride, no ego and no self-esteem to go with this body of mine...so what am i to do? i always tell myself, admittance is the first step of repent, and i'm not even asking for any sort of atonement at all from him. all i'm asking for is not to lie to me at all and if he wants to do anything behind my back, by all means go ahead just dont let me find out.

i expected him to call or just sms me just to say he's sorry or anything along the lines of apologising, but there was nothing. i am just a silly boy holding on to a phone with no one to talk to about all of this.

so what held me together throughout the day? Hip Hop class in the gym was the highlight of the entire day. i had so much fun and i was completely exhausted after the class, the mentor was exceptionally good looking; i wanna say he's italian, too bad i'm not into anything else but asians. so i found a way to channel my anger into something constructive and in the process tire myself out. then i needed to find a way to tire my mind out to stop me from thinking too much and there it was, just a half an hour's drive away...happy hour beer all night (just for me~). i drove to 65, my whole body refused to move and i almost died twice on the road since i wasnt really paying attention to the other cars, my mind was on other things. so i got there and drank myself silly and tried to make myself happy by teasing my friends. i could tell people there think i was drunk, but i wasnt, it was just a way for me to blur my thoughts and not think about anything important. it didnt help that everywhere i turned there were people asking me where marcus was. i lied and told them he's at home sleeping and he has an early meeting tomorow.

so after the 2 jugs, it just suddenly hit me like a wave. i was high and trying to calm myself down by sitting outside. i have to pat myself on the back because i managed to push it all down within an hour. so after a drink later on at a nearby coffeeshop (mamak) i drove back home and here i am now. mind still racing and having feelings i cannot describe, but mostly negative. to not think of it on the drive back, i thought of the dance moves i learned today from hip hop. sometimes i think song and dance can really save someone from doing something stupid. i really think so.