Sleepless in Malaysia

it's 5 minutes to 5AM and i just cant sleep. been awake for the whole night and dreaming what it would be like to have a totally different life. laying my head on the pillow...just dreaming of different scenarios where i could be better. i get haunted by things that i know i could have said something smarter, or something embarrassing and what i could have done to avoid it. -_-; yes i know i think too much but this is my nightly ritual before i set my sail to dreamland.

my friend just commented on my eyebags when i had a drink with her, she asked me how i was doing and how i was handling everything. i told her some days i feel great and i'm pumped up and felt like i could take on the world, some days i just felt like grabbing on to my favourite pillow on so tight and wish hard that everything would just go away. i have been sober for about 3 days which is a good sign, i havent been relying on alcohol to go through my life. i just need great friends and i'm thankful i have such great friends. her asking me how i felt just brightened up my day, unexplainable maybe, but it felt to me like she cared for me.

so i'm unable to sleep, or unable to get a good night's sleep. i miss having a pressence there, but i have to get used to it. as i said earlier in one of my diary entries...i need to be self sufficient. this is the time for me to not hop into a relationship and just start being friends with everyone first. i just hope i dont fall into the same trap i have fell into every single relationship i had.

so the singapore trip is cancelled. mostly coz my friends cant go, but maybe i can go there alone or something. i have friends down there who i can meet up and stuff, so what's stopping me...?

Thanks To You

i'm feeling in a good mood today. i managed to go to the gym and workout for about 2+ hours and i will definitely start aching tomorow coz i think i overworked myself, but it's definitely worth it coz of the endorphins released in my body. so i'm happy.

one of my closest friends from Melbourne came back last night for good and i managed to catch up with her today in the gym! she apparently signed up with her lesbian partner so i would probably see her around and stuff.

oh right, i'm planning to go down to singapore this weekend, not really planned yet coz of my friends wanna go but they didnt really give me a confirmation on it yet but things are starting to look up. budget? let's see...

Bus tickets (to and fro): RM140
Accomodation @ Hilton: SD200 X 2nites= SD400

what else is there? oh drinks and clubbing...i cant really work that out coz i dont know how much i'll spend there. huahahah

we were planning to take the bus on friday evening, coz my friend has to work, so we'll probably reach there around 11, then check in and dump our bags and take a quick shower and go out clubbing, and since i promised that we would go to lesbian bar (i hope i can get in tho) we would go in search of one that nite. okay i need to think of other stuff at the moment...so i'll leave it at this.

*plans to be updated!*

Write Where It Hurts

how ironic, the second me and my ex breaks up, he goes online to search for boys in JB coz he's going to JB today for an event. well happy hunting and i hope he finds what he needs there, preferably not an STD.

i just woke up and been lazing around with my hair all funky looking. sometimes i look into the mirror just right after i woke up and i think, hey that's a pretty cool hair-do, i should just walk out with my hair looking like that! but i never have the guts to. maybe i should just do it one of these days just for the hell of it.

i'm really hooked on to Most Haunted at the moment, this television series which i downloaded about haunted locations in England. it's not really scary, it's just amusing to watch because it's highly unbelievable that some guy can just get possessed a number of times just by standing there in front of the camera. there must be some kind of...i dont know, i guess a trick to it? like the floor managers or the host tells him the story of the location or he researches it before going to the location. and plus there's nothing good shown! there's no faces nor bodies floating around. when i watch something spooky i wanna see some disembodied autonomy flying around! well that or some crazy bitch with long black matted hair who came back from the dead to kill everyone.

i love horror movies, i love getting scared. anyways i'm used to it, my mom used to scare me to sleep when i was younger. apparently i was too naughty and she needed a trick to put me to sleep, it was either that or this medicine called Fong-Yau which is sorta like a liquid which u rub on the temple of ur head during a headache or u sniff it if u feel queasy, yeah she would use that and rub it in on my eye lids. what a horri-gi-ble mother i have! and all the time i would cry and hide under the covers coz she's one good actor.

maybe one of these days i should just scare her back.

Hexant's Monstrosity

i have a dark side, a side of me which i detest, he's too proud to admit anything and the pushes all the pain and suffering to me, he says things that i dont really mean and he shoves the consequences in my face, he clouds my mind with disturbing images and he drives me to the brink of insanity.

i have named him Hexant.

i have been trying to push everything away from my mind and i'm focusing on what's important to me. right now i'm trying to converge all my energy into doing my assignments. no going out and no drinking. i've been too dependant on alcohol to solve all my problems. my finals are coming up and i dont want to be the major screw-up like i was last year. i believe my spots can change, if i put my mind to it and will it to happen.

so i'm done with my feminist theory test, yes i do take Feminist Theories as a subject, and no i dont think i'll turn into a lesbian anytime soon. i do believe in feminism and to deconstruct everything that is essentialised. that's what media students do anyways rite?

i'm also trying to be happy, to put myself in shoes that fit and catch that balloon that seems so far away. listening to music really helps, especially clubbing music coz it's bubbly and fun.

so there i am in the car blasting Madonna's Sorry while driving. i'm singing to it and moving my shoulders and body to the music when i realized my windows are not tinted, nor is it painted black. so i turn to my right and i looked into the car next to me. there they were, a bunch of girls in a black Toyota laughing hysterically at me and pointing and mimicing my moves. gosh i was so embarrassed and i still am. so what i did was smile sheepishly and sink into my seat and prayed to all my gods for the light to turn green so i can speed off. it took forever so i turned to look at them again and they were gesturing for me to start dancing again and were mouthing Come On! oh well what to do? an entertainer needs to entertain, so i blasted Sugababes' Red Dress and i started dancing and singing again. these girls just started laughing...and fortunately the lights turned green so i waved bye-bye and went on my way.

i've learnt my lesson: to never to blast music unless i'm really drunk.

Confessions of a Broken Violin

i am a violin, play me right and i'll sing a exquisite tune for you. play me wrong and my melody will pierce your soul with heart wrenching wails.

i'm not writing this down because i want everybody or a certain somebody to read this. i'm writing this down coz this is what i need to vent out my frustration and sadness. since there's practically no one for me to talk to who will understand me and my feelings, this is the only way i can transcribe my emotions...

tears are rolling down from my eyes like hot coals on my cold face. i cant seem to stop it no matter how hard i try. i tell myself, hey you dont need him in ur life, he's only making it miserable and he's treating u like shit. i know this for a fact, i have been suffering quite a bit in this relationship and i dont know when the pen to this book will ever have a full stop to it. my heart aches ever so dully, and i've put my heart and soul into this relationship. the reason why i chose to work part time is because he needed help, because he wanted me to, and i did it, despite me hating to walk around sweating in the heat. i did it because my boyfriend needed me and it's in my principles to help him in any way possible. i sacrifice myself and my selfish ways in order for him to do a good job. please do not misunderstand me and him, and do not judge or be judgemental by reading this because there's always two sides of the story and this is my side, how i feel.

i've just had enough of this bullshit. it's even hard for me to type this out because i'm scared. i'm scared that he'll be the only guy who is ever capable of loving me. and i do love him, but i feel that the flame is starting to diminish and flicker. but why am i sniffling? why are my eyes swelling up with tears and trickling down my face? why does my heart long for him? i do not have the answers to these questions.

sitting at Friends just now, i just kept on looking at my phone every 5 to 10 minutes, waiting for him to ring me up. but what would i say to him when he calls me? i already told him i've had enough and this is goodbye. like a punch in the guts, i curse myself, for not taking my phone charger from his house so i can charge my phone and wait for his call. a part of me is sadistic, waiting for his beckoning so i can painfully go back to his side. i hate myself for this. i hate this part of me which i find so repulsive, a weak minded idiot who has no will power of his own and cant even keep to his word. the only way to comfort myself is to tell myself i tried. i tried to work out my relationship. i tried to make it work. i tried to trust him. i tried so hard to let by-gones be by-gones. the sadistic part of me is screaming at myself and saying YOU HAVENT TRIED HARD ENOUGH. am i starting to go insane? is this what relationships does to a person? i dont want any part of this. i just wanna curl up in my bed...

how i wish for the beating of my heart to slow it's pumping so i can peacefully pass through tonite.

Divine Principles

i'm back, and i've changed. i think i basically turned into this other person whom i cant even recognise anymore. i tried my best to retain the best part of me but i feel as if i lost it. but i'm working hard on finding my true self and realizing how great i can be.

i cant write much rite now. i'm just feeling kinda weird and indifferent. i'll write more tomorow or maybe later.

Focus On My Love

alrighty guys, i'm gonna stop going on fridae for a while and focus on what is really important with my life. dont feel sad...u'll be able to read my past posts. thank u guys for ur support and msgs, i know now that there will always be a better day. i'm not doing this for anyone, but i'm doing this for myself. so a few words before i venture on in my life without internet access, dont use ReNu contact solution coz apparently it causes eye fungus or something like that, or can lead ppl to get blind. dont talk when ur mouth is full, that's just rude, and try to listen to people and catch their hidden meanings/agendas.

oh and one more thing before i log off, for u who loves to check on me and report back to ur EX about me, u can basically shove a pole up ur arse and drug urself with a fistfull of valium for all i care. u're messin with people's relationships, i think u should think twice before doing it again coz i assure u, u mother f*cker, u will get what is coming to u, even if i have to be ur KARMA and u will deserve it.

ta-ta guys! will shee youse soon.