it's 5 minutes to 5AM and i just cant sleep. been awake for the whole night and dreaming what it would be like to have a totally different life. laying my head on the pillow...just dreaming of different scenarios where i could be better. i get haunted by things that i know i could have said something smarter, or something embarrassing and what i could have done to avoid it. -_-; yes i know i think too much but this is my nightly ritual before i set my sail to dreamland.
my friend just commented on my eyebags when i had a drink with her, she asked me how i was doing and how i was handling everything. i told her some days i feel great and i'm pumped up and felt like i could take on the world, some days i just felt like grabbing on to my favourite pillow on so tight and wish hard that everything would just go away. i have been sober for about 3 days which is a good sign, i havent been relying on alcohol to go through my life. i just need great friends and i'm thankful i have such great friends. her asking me how i felt just brightened up my day, unexplainable maybe, but it felt to me like she cared for me.
so i'm unable to sleep, or unable to get a good night's sleep. i miss having a pressence there, but i have to get used to it. as i said earlier in one of my diary entries...i need to be self sufficient. this is the time for me to not hop into a relationship and just start being friends with everyone first. i just hope i dont fall into the same trap i have fell into every single relationship i had.
so the singapore trip is cancelled. mostly coz my friends cant go, but maybe i can go there alone or something. i have friends down there who i can meet up and stuff, so what's stopping me...?
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