Jaded Emotions

my feelings, i just dont what or how to feel rite now. it's funny how sudden my mood shifts from being happy to ecstatic to sad in a matter of hours. i dont know what shifted my mood or triggered it to swing drastically from one to another, but all i know is that my mood swings are getting worse.

i dont know how to cure it, i dont know how to change myself from being like this, i just want it to stop. i wish i could just stop time for a couple of hours and just let me stand still there and listen to silence.

everytime i'm done with my showers, i would just tell myself mentally that i will not let this get the best of me, i'm fun to be around with, i'm supposedly forever happy and bubbly, but what is inside no one knows. it's hard for me to share my feelings with people. it's hard for me to say to my friends, "i'm unhappy with everything around me" because all they'll do is just remind me that my life is better than others and i'm still young i should just look forward. i dont want to listen to crap like that, i just want them to listen and acknowledge the fact that i have this dark side of me that's swallowing me whole. instead i have to live in this bubble i created for myself and play out this fascade.

sometimes i drift up from my body and just look at myself and wonder, what the hell are u doing now? i've put on this mask for so long that it's fused with my face and it hides away my true feelings. i cant seem to trust anyone with anything coz i'm scared. i'm scared that people will see the ugliness, the sorrow, the pain and they'll expose this side of me to everyone. to answer ur question in ur mind right now, yes i have been betrayed before, and up to now it still happens. what else to do than to hide my true self and bring out the marionette for people to play with?

i listen, i give, i entertain, what else can a friend ask for?