Lingering In Life

sometimes i sit and ponder over my life. i start analyzing myself and wonder what the hell i'm doing with my life. this is one of those times. i was sitting in the car, driving back home with The Cranberries playing their haunting melodies on my stereo; their No Need To Argue album seem to have a nostalgic effect on me, as well as depressive. this wave of emotions just seem to overwhelm me as i start looking at my life; i'm starting to feel my life has no meaning. i wake up during the evening, i hardly go for classes, i have assignments due in the next week and i havent even started, my exams are in a few weeks time and i go out late at night and come home during the wee hours of the morning. i feel like my life is slowly crumbling before me and soon i wont even have a leg to stand on.

i tell myself and i tell others that i dont need anyone to depend on, but deep in my heart i know i need someone to take care of me. i'm a walking contradiction, preaching to others what i believe in but i do not practice; a hypocrite. i want so badly to be this person that knows how to take care of himself, that knows the right from wrong and does whatever is right. i keep writing and i keep telling myself, u have to go take charge of ur life, but doubt has gotten the better of me. how am i supposed to take charge when my life is a mess?

sitting here, as i bite my lip to fight back the tears, i'm wishing that i could skip all this drama that i create for myself and just be normal, but i know i cant. i'm sick in that way, my mind keeps dwelling on the negative and it wont let me go and live my life in peace. my body is like a cage for my soul, and my mind is feeding it poison. how am i supposed to escape from life, but more importantly how am i supposed to escape from myself?

it's times like these i wish i could bury myself in someone's arms and feel, even if it's a mere second, that everything is okay. am i lonely? yes. i'm very lonely, dating Hong doesnt make me feel better because i know that i have to start everything over again, the getting to know him, the sex (i havent had sex with him yet), the first fight, etc. plus with his job, i hardly get to see him and now it doesnt even feel like we're dating.

i just want to hold someone while i'm sleeping, know that when i come home, i'm coming home to someone whom i love so much it hurts. i guess right now i have to settle for my pillow...