Hurt

well it's been a couple of days being single and it feels the same. i guess i've been so used to being single for a couple of months and then hopping into a dead end relationship which i know wouldnt last and then getting out of it hasnt changed much of me. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that i dont think i am willing to sacrifice my personality and my character to be with someone.

anyways a dear friend of mine has been avoiding me lately. i dont know the reason why though and on the way to BJ's bday lunch, i spoke to J about it, he is basically in the same position i am in now, our friend JL isnt really talking to us very much. it's pretty upsetting because i'm really close to JL and i really hope that i didnt make friends with the wrong person as i always do in life. usually my 'friends' last time are like who's who in the human trash department; ur typical garden variety of jerks and a-holes if u will.

so to return back to the present, i had invited a few people to attend an open house my parents threw today, one of them being J, and he promised me to come so we can have a chat and i wouldnt be so bored. when i called him he told me that he couldnt make it because he had to work today in 65, because E asked him to, which was contradictary to what he said when he was driving me back home earlier, that he isnt going to 65 tonight. i guess i felt alittle hurt, because i'm trying to not go to that place anymore. i also invited JL to come but he's not been a friend to me lately and i dont know the reason why, so i sent a msg to P telling him that no one is coming and that it's okay for him to not come as well. right after that i sent a text msg to JL asking him whether he was upset with me and we should talk things out because we're good friends.

he sent a msg to me saying that i needed time to digest whatever's happened (meaning my break up) and he's upset at me because i pretended to be happy when deep inside i was really upset. i guess in a way i am upset, because knowing that u and a person whom u do know u love cant be together and u have to focus on ur studies...it's heartwrenching. and it's just sad...to know that u dont feel anything for a guy u once loved anymore. and it's sad to reminisce about the times u were happy with him, the goofiness that is his character. so yes, i did drink the night i broke up with marcus, i went to my cousin's 1st birthday party at my uncle's place and i drank alot of cordon bleu. after that i drove to 65 and opened a bottle of chivas and drank till my head was spinning wildly. maybe i did put up a front in the faces of my friends, maybe i did act like i was fine and happy and that i could live without him in my life which i know it's for a fact, but emotions run free with the help of alcohol running through my veins.

i feel alittle betrayed honestly. my friends are supposed to be here to help me believe that i am doing the right thing. and even though i am putting up an act infront of them, it's me trying to believe that i'm doing the right thing. i really dont need pity, i really dont need sympathy pats on the back, i just need my friends to be a friend. and tonight...i felt like i lost not only my relationship, but my friendships as well.