Single

i finally have the closure i needed. actually i had it ever since a couple of days ago but i wanted to wait for the right time to actually say "I don't want you anymore". realizing that i need to focus on the more important things in my life, i have decided to cut off all the nasty and toxic things in my life, such as marcus. observing my patterns for the past 3 years that we've been together, i have been failing my subjects whenever we have awful fights and break-ups and then i recover from it and then the vicious cycle starts again. i cant afford to waste anymore of my time and energy on him, i really need to do things for myself now.

plus i know where my break limit is now, meaning that i know where my patience level is and i must say, without tooting my own horn, that i'm damn good in the patience department. but that doesnt mean i'm going to be a push-over.

i believe that people learn lessons everyday in life, what this relationship has taught me is that i should never get together with exes, although it is the easier way of short-handing the experience of dating and everything, but there's a reason why things cannot be worked out and hence the break up. it's easier for me this way, instead of building up the suffering and the malice and then releasing it upon the unsuspecting people who get caught in the crossfire.

to be completely honest, i really dont love him anymore. it all started ever since he started telling me about his ex called ben who is apparently just 16 or 18 years old. talk about pedophile, which actually makes me wonder how long i can be with him since there's an expiration date to my relationship (probably after i turn 25). so little by little my heart breaks, smaller and smaller my love for him shrinks until i feel....indifferent to all of his actions. i'm guessing he felt it too since he was the one who confronted me about this, saying that he doesnt feel loved anymore etc etc. how can i feel love for someone who does things behind my back? things that i'm ashamed to even say. and then he has the nerve to say that i dont spend time with him anymore. i wonder whether if that's the reason why he has webcam sex with other guys and gets porn from young boys through msn. i guess a whole lot of my love died when he didnt say anything about it when i questioned him about the webcam sex thing, and more did when he denied it moments later and tried to pass it off as his ex.

so this is a good sign, i'm able to vent it all out without feeling a single emotion, probably just relaxed, the pressure on my shoulder is lifted immensely, but that doesnt mean i dont have any other stuff on my shoulder. i guess now it's the right time to focus on my life.