My Fault

sometimes even though a love for someone can be so blatant and strong, but it can never be enough. i'm sitting here infront of my computer wondering whether or not my relationship can proceed any longer. i am so numb from everything he has been accusing me of, that i purposely influence my friends into hating him, that i'm so wicked i purposely wanted to hurt him by going out with a friend when we agreed the night before that i wasnt allowed to meet any guys without his permission or when he wasnt present but i asked him to come anyway and he made a big deal out of it by saying that i wanted to make him suffer by doing that because it was a day after his father's funeral and that i was supposed to wait for him until he's done with drinking with HIS friends.

is it my fault that i speak to my friends and tell them not to take everything i say into consideration because they have never heard HIS side? according to marcus, i purposely tell them that so i can get them on my side and make them hate him. he has this impression that i am an evil person, that i'm capable of lies, have sex with any guy at any time, deceit and probably even murder.

i look back at myself and yes, i have been bad. but i have learnt through harsh lessons to be a better person than i was and i am slowly moving towards that goal. when an emotional cripple comes along and stops u from achieving something u know is going to be good for urself what do u do? i love this emotional cripple enough that i'm willing to put him first rather than my pride, my ego and my feelings. but never-the-less i know that he doesnt really care much about mine, he doesnt believe i'm capable of having emotions such as sadness and depression. he puts himself first and so did i. what am i to do now? it looks like he hasnt changed a single bit. it looks like he's still the same jerk that used me during his father's funeral to make himself feel better and never apologised for it, stating the fact that he told me what i was getting myself into (quote: "i told u that i was glad that u were there at my father's funeral and u know what u were getting urself into so why should i apologise?")

i really dont know where my breaking point is. his impression of me is so deep and so toxic that i fear in the future will never give me the chance to be that person i want myself to be. i have sacrificed everything about myself just to find love and it has given me nothing but misery.

i feel like a dog, and him pulling me by the leash forcing me to smell the shit on the couch which isnt even mine. he's forcing me to admit something that isnt even true and that i have never even done.

i could care less about his friends and what he's been telling them about. he was talking to this guy jon today and told him everything. if this person is smarter than i think he is, he would understand that marcus conveniently leaves out important facts within arguments we had and should listen to both sides to an argument before making his own judgement. this is simply because marcus loves his image and loves the fact that everyone thinks highly of him and cannot stand the fact that someone hates him. in other words he loves playing the victim within arguments.

me on the other hand, i really am sick and tired of arguing over the same things again and again. i'm tired of playing the victim or the accuser or the shit stirrer. i just want the person that i love deeply to just grow up and just stop and think rationally for a while. i am human, i have feelings as well, and always putting urself first is just selfish.

so again...i'm back to where i started. i feel like i havent progressed at all. i feel like breaking down again. i dont know how to sever this relationship with him because i know that no matter what i do i will never get over this person. i am really emotionally drained and i think i just exceeded my breaking point. i am on the verge of insanity and i dont know how to go back. if someone out there can please help me...or just a sign that can tell me what to do...please i really am losing hope. i'm losing the belief that i can be happy. i feel like i'm losing myself...