Look, i know i owe an explanation to why i broke up with you but that doesnt mean u can slam down the phone on me and pretend not to see me in LQ. I know very well u saw me and u just looked the other way.
the reason why i broke up with u is not because i dont love u anymore, and i know u loved me alot and i appreciated it and i loved u back, but the reason is because we couldnt work things out. i tried in our relationship, i really did try and it didnt work, i gave u many chances and so did u to me, we gave each other chances and on my side i tried very very hard to live up to our expectations of myself. but on my side i feel like u were treating me like a carpet and whenever u feel like it u just get angry at me or whenever u feel like it u would just step all over me. i have grown to respect myself and i cannot take it any longer. this is the reason why i felt that the relationship couldnt go on any longer. i have tried talking to u about this, i have tried telling u subtly and i have tried telling u blatantly, but u just never got it into ur system. and do not compare urself with me, coz if u had any problems with me before u would have told me about it then instead of keeping it inside and waiting for me to burst out and then bring all these things up.
i didnt break up with u because i suspected u were fooling around with someone else or trying to fool around with someone else or was going to, that thing happened in the past. i really feel strongly about this and i cannot waste anymore time on giving chances. i just wanted u to know how i feel so u could stop being angry at me and let it go.
let's try to be civil about this and be mature. i do not want the whole fiasco of me looking at u and turning the other way or vice versa. i rather be courteous and resposible for my actions and acknowledge that the past is the past. we both cannot run away or deny that we were together and we definitely cannot run away from the future of ever bumping into each other. so the next time i see u i will definitely say hello or at least acknowledge the fact that u are there.
i know it took alot of courage for u to sms me for the college icon semi finals. i know it took alot of guts for u to call me and speak to me on the phone before the semi finals. and i'm glad u did it, but despite u doing that it was still full of bitterness and hate, u didnt even want to give me the telephone number for the guy who rents out drums and does sound and lighting.
look all i'm trying to say is that i wish that u would let that bitterness and hate go and face the past because it will pave a path for ur future. u have been my best boyfriend that i will ever have and u will forever be a part of me. i dont ever want to see u turn ur back and face the other way and pretend that i'm not there. i want us to be civil to each other and be mature about everything. but if u do want to be like this then i have done everything i can, i cant force u to do anything anymore. this is not being dramatic or wanting to cause any shit, but i will wait for the day when we can have a decent conversation and have a laugh about things in the past.
Love,
Ethan
His Response: "Sorry, I cant do tat, I rather not see u. Good luck!"
Monday, May 22, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Ambiguity
Ambiguity makes people nurse grievance.
my biological clock seems to be working backwards. i sleep late at nights now and wake up late in the afternoons. i hate this sorta schedule, coz when i wake up late in the afternoon, i feel like i've wasted my whole day and in result i get cranky and grouchy.
so what happened last night? i went to my cousin's wedding dinner with my parents, met alot of relatives there, got to catch up with my two cousins who were pretty cool and i wondered at that moment why we didnt hang out with each other much. i had wine and beer, but i drank beer first coz "Beer before wine makes u fine, wine before beer makes u queer". heh
so yeah i think i had a bit too much to drink last nite, i'm not a really big fan of wine but i managed to drink about 7 or 8 glasses of it before i got light headed and decided to call it quits and stuck to iced water. the wedding dinner was pretty...and a bit tacky, but i shall not go into that coz i aint no wedding planner. but there was the chinese 8 course dinner which was cool, i love the chinese course dinners!
during the wedding, the bride's sister (who was japanese) wanted to sing as a gift to the bride and bridegroom, and as she sang, my cousin and his wife started dancing to the music. i guess it was the music and the fact that they were in love with each other that made me think about my wedding. am i even gonna get married? i certainly hope so! but to a guy who loves me more than he loves anything else.
so there i was, sitting and watching them dance, while dreaming of my own scenario where my partner and i danced to the first song we heard and loved, it's gotta be something romantic like sade's by your side or norah jones' don't know why. and to create that perfect moment, we wouldnt care about anyone else in the banquet hall, we would dance and kiss each other and hold each other and whisper softly, i love you. sigh...my wedding would be a beautiful one, if i ever get the chance.
so after the dinner, i left to LQ to meet up a few of my friends who were there. basically talked nonsense and was in a depressing and nostalgic mood (it was the wine...evil wine) and i was basically bored. i didnt feel like dancing, i felt like sitting down and drinking myself silly and chatting, something which i do ever so often, but my friend dragged me to the dancefloor. it would have been fun if i was high and i was kinda showing signs of boredom, so we moved up to the disco. it was like a steam room up there! sweaty bodies and people raising their arms so u could get a whiff of their armpits? it wasnt exactly fun to be walking through that. so i decided to head to the loo and grab a drink and just stood silently beside the dancefloor just looking at the sea of faceless people dancing like there's no tomorow. most of these people were on X anyways so they had dialated pupils and were high as a kite.
so my vision shifted from all these people into this guy dancing in front of me. i was kinda staring at him and didnt really notice it until he caught me looking a few times and i just pretended not to look. he was kinda cute and too bad he was dancing with a over-the-hill white dude (DONT U HAVE ASIAN PRIDE?!?). so yeah bad for me but good for that jackass. so my friends rejoined me later and we were basically just standing there chit chatting, with the music blasting into our ears, i have no idea how we even managed to get a conversation going. so yeah we left after i got my ass grabbed by some weirdo who was obviously alone. bastard...that was really rude.
so yeah we left to mackers in centrepoint and chatted till about 5AM before i dragged my sorry tired ass back home to get some shut eye. all in all it was a fun night
i miss being with someone
my biological clock seems to be working backwards. i sleep late at nights now and wake up late in the afternoons. i hate this sorta schedule, coz when i wake up late in the afternoon, i feel like i've wasted my whole day and in result i get cranky and grouchy.
so what happened last night? i went to my cousin's wedding dinner with my parents, met alot of relatives there, got to catch up with my two cousins who were pretty cool and i wondered at that moment why we didnt hang out with each other much. i had wine and beer, but i drank beer first coz "Beer before wine makes u fine, wine before beer makes u queer". heh
so yeah i think i had a bit too much to drink last nite, i'm not a really big fan of wine but i managed to drink about 7 or 8 glasses of it before i got light headed and decided to call it quits and stuck to iced water. the wedding dinner was pretty...and a bit tacky, but i shall not go into that coz i aint no wedding planner. but there was the chinese 8 course dinner which was cool, i love the chinese course dinners!
during the wedding, the bride's sister (who was japanese) wanted to sing as a gift to the bride and bridegroom, and as she sang, my cousin and his wife started dancing to the music. i guess it was the music and the fact that they were in love with each other that made me think about my wedding. am i even gonna get married? i certainly hope so! but to a guy who loves me more than he loves anything else.
so there i was, sitting and watching them dance, while dreaming of my own scenario where my partner and i danced to the first song we heard and loved, it's gotta be something romantic like sade's by your side or norah jones' don't know why. and to create that perfect moment, we wouldnt care about anyone else in the banquet hall, we would dance and kiss each other and hold each other and whisper softly, i love you. sigh...my wedding would be a beautiful one, if i ever get the chance.
so after the dinner, i left to LQ to meet up a few of my friends who were there. basically talked nonsense and was in a depressing and nostalgic mood (it was the wine...evil wine) and i was basically bored. i didnt feel like dancing, i felt like sitting down and drinking myself silly and chatting, something which i do ever so often, but my friend dragged me to the dancefloor. it would have been fun if i was high and i was kinda showing signs of boredom, so we moved up to the disco. it was like a steam room up there! sweaty bodies and people raising their arms so u could get a whiff of their armpits? it wasnt exactly fun to be walking through that. so i decided to head to the loo and grab a drink and just stood silently beside the dancefloor just looking at the sea of faceless people dancing like there's no tomorow. most of these people were on X anyways so they had dialated pupils and were high as a kite.
so my vision shifted from all these people into this guy dancing in front of me. i was kinda staring at him and didnt really notice it until he caught me looking a few times and i just pretended not to look. he was kinda cute and too bad he was dancing with a over-the-hill white dude (DONT U HAVE ASIAN PRIDE?!?). so yeah bad for me but good for that jackass. so my friends rejoined me later and we were basically just standing there chit chatting, with the music blasting into our ears, i have no idea how we even managed to get a conversation going. so yeah we left after i got my ass grabbed by some weirdo who was obviously alone. bastard...that was really rude.
so yeah we left to mackers in centrepoint and chatted till about 5AM before i dragged my sorry tired ass back home to get some shut eye. all in all it was a fun night
i miss being with someone
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Maple (Translation of Jay Chou's Feng)
The dark clouds left a piece of shadow in our heart
I listen to my long dreary mind
Clear and transparent, it’s just like the beautiful scenery
That I can only see clearly in my memories
Can the heart-broken you continue to love me?
I hold on tightly to your hands that has no temperature
The past sweetness has been locked up by the time
Only the inseparable sadness remains
The elegant red rain next to the mountainside
Withering away along with the northern wind
I gently shaking the wind bells
I want to waken the love that has been forgotten
The snowflakes have bespread the grounds
I’m deeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window has already been iced
The slowly fallen maple leaves are like yearnings
I light up the candle lights to warm up the ends of year autumn
The polar lights plunder the sky
The north wind sweep by, I thought of your face
I’ve burnt my love to fallen leaves
But I can not exchange back the face that I’m familiar with
The slowly fallen maple leaves are like yearnings
Why retrieval has to be hurriedly done before the winter comes?
Love you, and I travel through time
Two strings of tears from the end of autumn
It has let the love infiltrate the grounds
I only want you to stay besides me
The elegant red rain next to the mountainside
Withering away along with the northern wind
I gently shaking the wind bells
I want to waken the love that has been forgotten
The snowflakes have bespread the grounds
I’m deeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window has already been iced
I listen to my long dreary mind
Clear and transparent, it’s just like the beautiful scenery
That I can only see clearly in my memories
Can the heart-broken you continue to love me?
I hold on tightly to your hands that has no temperature
The past sweetness has been locked up by the time
Only the inseparable sadness remains
The elegant red rain next to the mountainside
Withering away along with the northern wind
I gently shaking the wind bells
I want to waken the love that has been forgotten
The snowflakes have bespread the grounds
I’m deeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window has already been iced
The slowly fallen maple leaves are like yearnings
I light up the candle lights to warm up the ends of year autumn
The polar lights plunder the sky
The north wind sweep by, I thought of your face
I’ve burnt my love to fallen leaves
But I can not exchange back the face that I’m familiar with
The slowly fallen maple leaves are like yearnings
Why retrieval has to be hurriedly done before the winter comes?
Love you, and I travel through time
Two strings of tears from the end of autumn
It has let the love infiltrate the grounds
I only want you to stay besides me
The elegant red rain next to the mountainside
Withering away along with the northern wind
I gently shaking the wind bells
I want to waken the love that has been forgotten
The snowflakes have bespread the grounds
I’m deeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window has already been iced
Empty & Useless
Every morning i wake up, lying on my bed with a mind as blank as my ceiling. what the hell did i do last night? what am i supposed to do tomorrow? i feel like my spirit's left my body entirely. my gosh i've got so many unanswered phone calls and so much shit left to deal with. i wish this were just a dream then i could just forget it all and leave it be. fuck it, how could this be a dream? what am I so worried about? what am I so scared of? maybe this freedom's my way of running away from all life's shit. can anyone tell me where i went wrong?
introspection's such an important thing but i've only just started to realize.
idiot! i used to call so many people this but now I'm the fool. do i really know myself? no idea. how old am i? not a clue.
these past few years i've tried so hard to prove to myself i'm different from everyone else, but i'm a dumbass. my foolish pride and arrogance has just hurt me.
The days feel like years in this shattered life i wander the streets like i've got no soul. my life's a stagnant pool and i feel i've lost all hope. i've barely got the tears to cry for myself.
there's no-one to stand by me on these lonely streets. the neon lights, they seem to laugh at me...
useless guy
introspection's such an important thing but i've only just started to realize.
idiot! i used to call so many people this but now I'm the fool. do i really know myself? no idea. how old am i? not a clue.
these past few years i've tried so hard to prove to myself i'm different from everyone else, but i'm a dumbass. my foolish pride and arrogance has just hurt me.
The days feel like years in this shattered life i wander the streets like i've got no soul. my life's a stagnant pool and i feel i've lost all hope. i've barely got the tears to cry for myself.
there's no-one to stand by me on these lonely streets. the neon lights, they seem to laugh at me...
useless guy
Thursday, May 18, 2006
My Tears Are Like Poems
In the evening I've got to roam.
Can't sleep in a city of neon and chrome.
hmmm i was working out in the gym today when i recieved a call from Jo Wen, as i just met her earlier on today, i didnt expect her to call me so soon especially when she works during the night shift. she shocked me by saying that she's in the hospital and needed someone to pick her up. i immediately dropped my weights and showered and raced to the hospital where she was at. she was going through the x-ray and my mind was racing and wondering how bad it got. it wasnt that bad, she came out looking like herself except she was walking kinda funny. it was such a great relief to see that she turned out okay and i thank the people working up there that she's safe and sound. she had a bad whiplash but still was alright.
it kinda scared me for a moment, my heart just sunk when she said she was in the hospital, it didnt help that after we left we were talking about death and stuff. life is really short and u never know when someone u know could collapse and just pass silently away.
it just got me thinking on the way back home, driving slowly...my mind just started imagining different scenarios of what would happen if.
what would i do if someone dear to me passed away? i dont think i would be able to recover coz my friends and my family mean alot to me. but what would i do if something happened to my ex? i certainly do not wish for anything to happen to them or him but what if? i dont think i'll be able to cope with life knowing that i wasnt there at the last few moments.
so there i was...listening to Stephanie Sun's haunting voice with everything going through my head, and i just started tearing. it's like a wave of depression just came over me and i was drowning in it. i had to stop my car beside the road to just catch a deep breath of air. i dont think i have ever been like this before, this is something i've never ever experienced in my life. it was so overwhelming and i just sat there in my car with the hazard signal going off, just crying. after a while i pushed the hazard button for it to stop and just took a deep breath and drove home.
what if...
Can't sleep in a city of neon and chrome.
hmmm i was working out in the gym today when i recieved a call from Jo Wen, as i just met her earlier on today, i didnt expect her to call me so soon especially when she works during the night shift. she shocked me by saying that she's in the hospital and needed someone to pick her up. i immediately dropped my weights and showered and raced to the hospital where she was at. she was going through the x-ray and my mind was racing and wondering how bad it got. it wasnt that bad, she came out looking like herself except she was walking kinda funny. it was such a great relief to see that she turned out okay and i thank the people working up there that she's safe and sound. she had a bad whiplash but still was alright.
it kinda scared me for a moment, my heart just sunk when she said she was in the hospital, it didnt help that after we left we were talking about death and stuff. life is really short and u never know when someone u know could collapse and just pass silently away.
it just got me thinking on the way back home, driving slowly...my mind just started imagining different scenarios of what would happen if.
what would i do if someone dear to me passed away? i dont think i would be able to recover coz my friends and my family mean alot to me. but what would i do if something happened to my ex? i certainly do not wish for anything to happen to them or him but what if? i dont think i'll be able to cope with life knowing that i wasnt there at the last few moments.
so there i was...listening to Stephanie Sun's haunting voice with everything going through my head, and i just started tearing. it's like a wave of depression just came over me and i was drowning in it. i had to stop my car beside the road to just catch a deep breath of air. i dont think i have ever been like this before, this is something i've never ever experienced in my life. it was so overwhelming and i just sat there in my car with the hazard signal going off, just crying. after a while i pushed the hazard button for it to stop and just took a deep breath and drove home.
what if...
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Assignment Overloading and Overdrives
jason just left back to KT, it's so sad. and i know he'll definitely read this so just to say i'll miss ya loads and hopefully u can come back soon.
so i have 3 mini assignments due in this friday which i have started but barely finished, 1 major research proposal due in next week, and 1 major major feminist theory assignment due in the week after that. gosh i'm starting to feel the burn of university. yeah yeah i can read ur mind, u'll probably be thinking to urself, gosh this kid doesnt know what he's talking about, working life is so much harder and everything, better enjoy uni life while it lasts. well my subjects suck ass. i mean what kinda gay guy takes feminist theory as a subject? well at least i have ammo against ur garden variety of angry raging lesbians who have penis envy. it's fun to take the piss in lesbians. hahaha i still love all u lesbians tho!
oh right i do apologise for those of u who i added on msn and havent chatted with u for a while, i just cant chat with people online, i find it really impersonal and also really hard. i rather meet people in person and talk about anything. i'm open minded despite what PEOPLE may say *hey i have my own principles!*
so i'm probably logging off soon, and SHOULD go back to my work, but i dont want to....:(
so i have 3 mini assignments due in this friday which i have started but barely finished, 1 major research proposal due in next week, and 1 major major feminist theory assignment due in the week after that. gosh i'm starting to feel the burn of university. yeah yeah i can read ur mind, u'll probably be thinking to urself, gosh this kid doesnt know what he's talking about, working life is so much harder and everything, better enjoy uni life while it lasts. well my subjects suck ass. i mean what kinda gay guy takes feminist theory as a subject? well at least i have ammo against ur garden variety of angry raging lesbians who have penis envy. it's fun to take the piss in lesbians. hahaha i still love all u lesbians tho!
oh right i do apologise for those of u who i added on msn and havent chatted with u for a while, i just cant chat with people online, i find it really impersonal and also really hard. i rather meet people in person and talk about anything. i'm open minded despite what PEOPLE may say *hey i have my own principles!*
so i'm probably logging off soon, and SHOULD go back to my work, but i dont want to....:(
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Liquid Dreams
so liquid was fun! last night was the weirdest night ever, with claudia's birthday at mackers, my friend coming down from kuala trengganu, us getting high and mighty at liquid, etc etc. so let me start off by recapping what happened the whole day yesterday.
it started off with me procrastinating whether to hit the gym at 2PM in the afternoon, i was thinking well i should go but i'm dead tired from working out the whole week so i should reward myself with a little bit of time for myself. so i just lazed around my room for the rest of the afternoon. i also got a msg from Jason saying that he'll be coming down from KT and he'll probably reach at 8 something which was cool coz i had Claudia's party at macdonalds (yeah i see the irony, we're alittle bit too old for that) which was funny but quite dead. so Jason arrived and met up with all of us and so did Audrey and Caroline and we spent about an hour sitting there wondering whether we should leave them and head down to LQ or stick with them and try to get to know the rest of them. yeah we decided to ditch all of them and head for LQ.
so once we reached LQ we got a table and sat down to order our drinks when i noticed some weirdo looking in our direction. i didnt think much of it coz i mean we were lookin pretty hot that night, heh heh heh. so we drank and drank and drank and went to the toilet, drank, drank and went to the toilet, etc etc. this process was repeated about a couple of times, i think we all have bladders the size of walnuts. so yeah as i was coming out of the toilet with Audrey, the weirdo was there again and we had to pass by him to get to where we were seated and trust me this guy was a freak! he was wearing jeans, a skull imprinted black t-shirt tucked into his jeans and gelled hair, it was a scary sight. so kinda scared and kinda high i was holding on to my friend's hand for dear life hoping nothing would happen and then it happened. he slid his hand across my stomach and felt me up. yucks, gross, disgusting! ughh i had to shake the feeling off.
i bumped into a friend whom i havent seen in a very long time as well, he sounds like he's doing fine ^_^
oh right and i saw my ex's ex there as well. he was like staring/glaring at me and Jason, i didnt wanna say anything, i just tried to look away. he was on the phone most of the time for some unknown reason, i just hope he's not spying on me and reporting back to my ex like his other ex did. it was weird enough he knew my name and it was definitely weird that he would wanna say hello to me in the club. for what? to acknowledge the fact that he was there during the 10 months we've been apart? well he didnt need to do that, his pressence was already felt.
so all in all it was a good night, i havent clubbed or drank for ages! black label just tastes better when u're sober...
it started off with me procrastinating whether to hit the gym at 2PM in the afternoon, i was thinking well i should go but i'm dead tired from working out the whole week so i should reward myself with a little bit of time for myself. so i just lazed around my room for the rest of the afternoon. i also got a msg from Jason saying that he'll be coming down from KT and he'll probably reach at 8 something which was cool coz i had Claudia's party at macdonalds (yeah i see the irony, we're alittle bit too old for that) which was funny but quite dead. so Jason arrived and met up with all of us and so did Audrey and Caroline and we spent about an hour sitting there wondering whether we should leave them and head down to LQ or stick with them and try to get to know the rest of them. yeah we decided to ditch all of them and head for LQ.
so once we reached LQ we got a table and sat down to order our drinks when i noticed some weirdo looking in our direction. i didnt think much of it coz i mean we were lookin pretty hot that night, heh heh heh. so we drank and drank and drank and went to the toilet, drank, drank and went to the toilet, etc etc. this process was repeated about a couple of times, i think we all have bladders the size of walnuts. so yeah as i was coming out of the toilet with Audrey, the weirdo was there again and we had to pass by him to get to where we were seated and trust me this guy was a freak! he was wearing jeans, a skull imprinted black t-shirt tucked into his jeans and gelled hair, it was a scary sight. so kinda scared and kinda high i was holding on to my friend's hand for dear life hoping nothing would happen and then it happened. he slid his hand across my stomach and felt me up. yucks, gross, disgusting! ughh i had to shake the feeling off.
i bumped into a friend whom i havent seen in a very long time as well, he sounds like he's doing fine ^_^
oh right and i saw my ex's ex there as well. he was like staring/glaring at me and Jason, i didnt wanna say anything, i just tried to look away. he was on the phone most of the time for some unknown reason, i just hope he's not spying on me and reporting back to my ex like his other ex did. it was weird enough he knew my name and it was definitely weird that he would wanna say hello to me in the club. for what? to acknowledge the fact that he was there during the 10 months we've been apart? well he didnt need to do that, his pressence was already felt.
so all in all it was a good night, i havent clubbed or drank for ages! black label just tastes better when u're sober...
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