oh gosh i've been so exhausted from almost everything! i havent been getting enough sleep, a friend scared me and told me something really ridulous happened to him, going out late at nights to accompany a friend who has taken one and a half weeks leave really takes it outta ya. WHEW~ i'm so glad my semester's almost over...just another few more days then final assignments, final exams, final research paper, final wonderment of whether the person who married Drew Barrymore's brother in 50 First Dates is actually a man or a woman, final oral presentation and then voila~ i'm done and holidays here i come.
i'm planning to go away...like far away. i wanna go to...some place asian-y, like Hong Kong (again) or Taiwan (again) or Korea, but as i need to polish up my cantonese, mandarin and korean i dont think i can head there anytime soon.
my lips are still lonely and my bed is still empty apart from all my pillows that i pile up to shape like a person. yes to have a good nite's sleep i have to lie to myself and tell myself there's someone next to me everynite, not like it works anyways. i just end up kicking or punching or elbowing the pillows only to see a roomful of feathers flying all over the place.
so i go online and i write or i start chatting with people who are online at an unGODly hour and complain and rant and yell and talk about my feelings, only to realize that they are awake and were put to sleep or slowly foaming at the corner of their mouths or maybe they're sitting there pondering about the best way to die and probably thinking and cursing "ETHAN LIM I KNEW U WOULD BE THE DEATH OF ME!".
well yes, i cause deaths where ever i go, whomever i touch turns to insanity and starts spasming uncontrolably, when i speak they just turn deaf and blood just starts spurting out of their ears.
i am a guy of many words, and hopefully u dont sue me for trauma, and please stop mailing me ur medical bills or psychologist/psychiatrist fees.
Thank You!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
Psycho Therapy
oh please oh please, please please please stop asking me whether i'm in Singapore today or something. i've been getting a ridiculous amount of e-mail asking me, hey are u in Singapore now? i wrote June! JUNE!! it comes before July and right after May. Noooo please dont cause my brain to implode. why dont u people read what i wrote??? it's so sad to know that u would probably read like...20% of what i wrote, and it probably has to do with sentences with words like SEX or FETISH or ANAL or SUCK MY BIG BLACK SCHLONG. fuck my ass and let me ride u like a horse, and make me scream and moan and lets have jack rabbit sex with the pow pow pow pow pow pow pow and the oh yeah oh wow oh yes! suck my cock till i explode and let me cum all over myself or ur face. slap ur face with my hard cock and.......oh.....i think i got a bit carried away there....eeps
the past few days have been quite hectic and i've been trying to re-live my younger years of not sleeping for over 40 hours and still being okay with it. with eyebags the size of garbage bags, i've been walking around like a zombie through the halls of my university trying not to pass out from exhaustion. funny thing is through these days of non-sleeping, i've been meeting up with good people and talking about nonsense which doesnt really make sense to me right now but totally made sense at the time. to think about it i may have made some of the situations up in my head, thinking this because i remember clearly asking my mom to send me to uni coz i aint cut out for driving today and i was waiting in the car reading some of my readings and she came out and asked me what the hell i was doing. she told me i didnt ask her to send me to uni i just waltzed past her and just got into the car.
hahaha ok i'm delirious and i hallucinate. so sue me, i make things fun for people!
oh rite, here's an update for people who read my entry religiously and worship me and have a little shrine dedicated to me in the corner of their room, how freaky is that? we currently found and booked a place to stay; the Gallery Hotel, it's a fantastic place to live in i think coz i viewed the rooms through the website and it looked very clean and simple and fabulous. so sorry guys who have offered me a place to stay but thank you so much for offering. we're basically waiting to book our bus ticket cause of a friend who hasnt gotten back to me on whether she can take leave. so yeah everything's in control rite now, we're just waiting for the day to come.
the past few days have been quite hectic and i've been trying to re-live my younger years of not sleeping for over 40 hours and still being okay with it. with eyebags the size of garbage bags, i've been walking around like a zombie through the halls of my university trying not to pass out from exhaustion. funny thing is through these days of non-sleeping, i've been meeting up with good people and talking about nonsense which doesnt really make sense to me right now but totally made sense at the time. to think about it i may have made some of the situations up in my head, thinking this because i remember clearly asking my mom to send me to uni coz i aint cut out for driving today and i was waiting in the car reading some of my readings and she came out and asked me what the hell i was doing. she told me i didnt ask her to send me to uni i just waltzed past her and just got into the car.
hahaha ok i'm delirious and i hallucinate. so sue me, i make things fun for people!
oh rite, here's an update for people who read my entry religiously and worship me and have a little shrine dedicated to me in the corner of their room, how freaky is that? we currently found and booked a place to stay; the Gallery Hotel, it's a fantastic place to live in i think coz i viewed the rooms through the website and it looked very clean and simple and fabulous. so sorry guys who have offered me a place to stay but thank you so much for offering. we're basically waiting to book our bus ticket cause of a friend who hasnt gotten back to me on whether she can take leave. so yeah everything's in control rite now, we're just waiting for the day to come.
Friday, May 26, 2006
Lonesome Lips & Laryngitis
it's been a while since my lips have touched another person's. i would consider myself a good kisser, i love the lower lip and i love to softly suck on it for a second or two. teasing my partner's tongue with my tongue and locking my lips with his to make the soft smacking sound. i've kissed enough people to know that i dont like people sucking on my tongue like they are gonna suck it right off.
sigh, i've never kissed someone until my lips feel so raw and i crave for more. actually there was, but it was one of my exes and he wasnt exactly the best. my lips now crave for rawness, i wanna feel the passion, the softness, the teasing of lips and tongues, the texture of perfect luscious lips. argh i crave for it so badly. sigh, it's days like these when i wish i had someone here to be with me.
so yeah i think i'm coming down with laryngitis, which means the losing of the voice for a few days. maybe coz mine is cracking and it's getting softer. the last time i had it was terrible, i sounded like some teenager going thru puberty with his voice cracking and stuff, and i couldnt even speak properly. that was bad so i'm hoping that i wont be speaking much these few days for my classes.
i've not been myself lately and i do apologise to everyone and those people who have sent me mails or spoken to me on msn, my pms stage isnt exactly over but i've been good and not trying to snap at anyone. yeah i'm good like that. heh!
sigh i have to finish off my antibiotics which is a killer coz it's really potent and makes me feel sorta queasy...but i have to finish it according to my doctor so down my throat it goes.
gonna pass out soon from all the medication i'm taking so...i should stop here before i start talking about flying horses and film noirs. laterz
sigh, i've never kissed someone until my lips feel so raw and i crave for more. actually there was, but it was one of my exes and he wasnt exactly the best. my lips now crave for rawness, i wanna feel the passion, the softness, the teasing of lips and tongues, the texture of perfect luscious lips. argh i crave for it so badly. sigh, it's days like these when i wish i had someone here to be with me.
so yeah i think i'm coming down with laryngitis, which means the losing of the voice for a few days. maybe coz mine is cracking and it's getting softer. the last time i had it was terrible, i sounded like some teenager going thru puberty with his voice cracking and stuff, and i couldnt even speak properly. that was bad so i'm hoping that i wont be speaking much these few days for my classes.
i've not been myself lately and i do apologise to everyone and those people who have sent me mails or spoken to me on msn, my pms stage isnt exactly over but i've been good and not trying to snap at anyone. yeah i'm good like that. heh!
sigh i have to finish off my antibiotics which is a killer coz it's really potent and makes me feel sorta queasy...but i have to finish it according to my doctor so down my throat it goes.
gonna pass out soon from all the medication i'm taking so...i should stop here before i start talking about flying horses and film noirs. laterz
Singing in Singapore Part 3 - Friends
so the 6 days i spent in sg was great despite the taxi incidents in Part 1 and Part 2. i still enjoyed myself and i find that people ask me that whenever i tell them that i'm malaysian. anyways i met really really really great people this time 'round in sg.
i met up with 'drew again. i love him so much, he's like an older brother to me, always accompanying me to legend. he's the best. ronnie was there at legend too the first night. ahh i missed his ultra-cool-and-manly exterior and his voice. did i mention that 'drew and ronnie and pretty much most of the gay people in singapore have excellent voices?
zebastian...what can i say about him? BITCHY! hahaha no he's the best. 30, flirty and thrivin. he was sweet enough to accompany me bar hopping and everything, and i outted him out to his cousin. HAHAHA i didnt mean for it to happen, i didnt know wesley was his cousin which was who 'drew brought to have drinks with us one night. but honestly i had a great time with Z. he's one cool dude.
colin, sweet and nice colin who accompanied me that night of the Pervert Taxibalooza. too bad he had to work on sat otherwise we could have met up more. my saviour in a black subaru. hahaha
sean and jindy, they are so nice. they were so sweet as well. and honestly these two people can sing very well. heck most of sg can sing well. but S&J were really sweet to me and kept me entertained and was my company.
bernard, kelvin, george and alvin. great folks who asked me to join them when i was alone in Xpose coz stupid Z needed to go home coz he had to teach or something like that. stupid Z. anyways these guys were great, they not only embraced a stranger into their group, they were sweet as well. ^_^
gabe & bf, i forgot his name. gabe spent the whole day with me when i had nothin to do. he brought me to borders where i got my books i wanted to read and i spent the days reading at Heren. at least that gave me some company!
a shoutout to all of u guys & gals out there as well, nigel, cynthia, david, edwin, peter, nick, wesley, willie and wayne. if i forgot anyone i'm sorry, i'm exhausted and need some rest. i hoped i could stay in sg longer...maybe i'll go back sooner than i think...just maybe.....
i met up with 'drew again. i love him so much, he's like an older brother to me, always accompanying me to legend. he's the best. ronnie was there at legend too the first night. ahh i missed his ultra-cool-and-manly exterior and his voice. did i mention that 'drew and ronnie and pretty much most of the gay people in singapore have excellent voices?
zebastian...what can i say about him? BITCHY! hahaha no he's the best. 30, flirty and thrivin. he was sweet enough to accompany me bar hopping and everything, and i outted him out to his cousin. HAHAHA i didnt mean for it to happen, i didnt know wesley was his cousin which was who 'drew brought to have drinks with us one night. but honestly i had a great time with Z. he's one cool dude.
colin, sweet and nice colin who accompanied me that night of the Pervert Taxibalooza. too bad he had to work on sat otherwise we could have met up more. my saviour in a black subaru. hahaha
sean and jindy, they are so nice. they were so sweet as well. and honestly these two people can sing very well. heck most of sg can sing well. but S&J were really sweet to me and kept me entertained and was my company.
bernard, kelvin, george and alvin. great folks who asked me to join them when i was alone in Xpose coz stupid Z needed to go home coz he had to teach or something like that. stupid Z. anyways these guys were great, they not only embraced a stranger into their group, they were sweet as well. ^_^
gabe & bf, i forgot his name. gabe spent the whole day with me when i had nothin to do. he brought me to borders where i got my books i wanted to read and i spent the days reading at Heren. at least that gave me some company!
a shoutout to all of u guys & gals out there as well, nigel, cynthia, david, edwin, peter, nick, wesley, willie and wayne. if i forgot anyone i'm sorry, i'm exhausted and need some rest. i hoped i could stay in sg longer...maybe i'll go back sooner than i think...just maybe.....
SG Tales from a Gay Boy
been really busy lately, right after my trip to singapore i was thrown into the busy lifestyle of working immediately. so let me retrace my steps of what happened in SG, these are tales from a gay boy
so i was sitting on a bus for 5 hours only to get stopped at customs for bringing in cigarettes. i was lucky the officer let me go with a small fine and i'm not sure whether my name is on the blacklist or not. that was a really bad day since my bus left me at immigration and i had to wait for the next bus to pick me up. so i frantically called my hotel several times to annoy them and tell them that i will need a late check-in. so when i reached my hotel i was pooped, i didnt sleep the night before and i was seriously pooped. the room was decent, although the bathroom could use a little expansion. i took a nap till about 9 and then headed out to oso alone to meet a friend.
upon reaching oso, i realized i'm really early so i sat down and talked to a cute waiter named Justin for a while, ordered a couple of Long Islands (i think i had 3). i was yabbering away and was high when my friend desmond reached. i couldnt remember much of the night after that, the only thing i remember was going to WhyNot to dance the night away.
the second day was better, i woke up with a major headache at 7AM in the morning, took a shower and headed out to sit at heeren and read the entire day. went back to the hotel for a nap and went out for dinner with friends and ended up at oso bar again, trying to flirt with Justin but ended up doing a really bad job at it. went to WhyNot, danced till i fell off the stage on to someone almost killing them, yeah i was kinda high when that happened and i woke up with a big bruise on my foot the next day. i didnt exactly fall of the stage, i jumped and landed on uneven landing and lost my balance. oh right and i managed to burn someone with my cigarette that night as well, it was an accident though and i apologised for it.
i met a guy, he was cute, good personality and had the most amazing eyes i have seen. he was so sweet and i think for that short period of time, i fell in love and i hit rock bottom. i told myself it's just a summer fling, nothing good can come from this, but the heart goes where it wants to go, even though a sea of shattered glass if it wants to. but i must thank him, for at least giving me hope that good guys still do exist and that i can still be loved.
SG Tales from a Gay Boy (Part 2) -Updated-
on sunday i met up with my old friend Andrew and zebastian and had drinks with them at Legend. it was a quiet night, we had the whole place to ourselves and it was scary. the streets were deserted, it was like walking through a ghost town, the only thing i could hear was the buzzing of the neon lights that were hung up at bars. anyways after that Zeb and i left for the new club called Attica, we arrived early and managed to get a spot at the bar since there was an event from Trevvy that involved models, underwear, etc. (yawn). yeah i was bored out of my mind but i did manage to spot at least one cute guy out of the crowd. and he was so cute...and i think he grabbed my bottom cause he was standing next to me. well i left to get some fresh air and ended up sitting outside with zeb chatting.
on monday i woke up early again and spent the whole day at heeren reading, i finished my book and walked to Borders to get a few good books to read. it was there where i met my friend darren and also this other cute guy working behind the information counter. he was unbelievably gorgeous...at least to me.
i can still remember it like it was yesterday, the guy at borders, his skin was like snow, white and smooth, his eyes seem to gaze into my soul for that brief moment, his smile melting my cold exterior away. he was wearing a black short sleeve shirt and 3/4 pants and sport shoes that made his yummy legs look thinner. he made me want to get close to him and softly kiss his neck and do very very naughty and sensual things to him. oh good gracious i seem to have trailed to the beyond. anyways i bought my books, had a drink with darren and then met up with andrew again for yet another drinking session which led me to the path of drunkedness again.
the next day i had to leave, but i had a few hours to spare so i went to borders in hope that i would see him again for even just one second, but he wasnt working that day...so i walked around orchard aimlessly window shopping...yes it wasnt as exciting as my last few trips to sg but i had fun!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Dirty Dancing & Dreaming
i watched Shinobi last nite on dvd, omg it was awesome! scenes were alittle short but u get the feeling of long-windedness along with many many japanese movies but Shinobi was pretty cool. maybe coz it reminded me of the first anime i watched which was called Ninja Scrolls, there was this girl who was fed poison all her life so she wasnt given the choice to have sex with guys or to kiss someone that she loves, without them dying of course. and then there was the feminine looking guy, with this long black hair that never seems to fall out of place and he uses some sort of black threads or hair or something to whip at people, hahah to think about it now, talking or writing about it sounds pretty hilarious but when it boils down to watching it, i guess if u're into flying people who can fight and at the same time fly to the next country and need horses to travel short distances, then this is the movie for u.
all in all i give it a 8/10
coz the movie didnt highlight what was the most important part, which was the Eyes of Destruction, they only showed it once which was pretty pathetic. people died really fast and there wasnt much of a character that me being the viewer could define with. but scenes were beautifully shot and costumes were pretty cool.
oh rite, before i close off i just wanted to record down my dream i had just now. it was kinda weird coz i think we were in bangkok or thailand or somewhere. i'm quite sure it was somewhere in thailand. anyways it was me at first, i couldnt find a table so i sat with a couple of strangers, non-locals as well and they were partying and having fun, oh btw the scene looked like it was in a bar with karaoke in it. so it was dark and i was waiting there apparently for someone, and first Liyana came, i dont know why i dreamt of her, i havent seen her in yonks and i havent spoken to her in ages. yeah she came and was looking for me and i called her name and she saw me and sat down rite next to me. so we were busy chatting and i havent ordered my drink yet and out pops Audrey, and she sits down and starts yapping her head off as usual.
so i'm sitting there, feeling thirsty and looking for a waiter so i asked them both did they get their drinks at the bar or with a waiter? they said at the bar, and there was this guy sitting next to me who said yeah what would u like? i'll go get it for u. so i said no it's alright i'll go get it myself and i looked again to my left to see whether there were any waiters going around and strangely enough there was one short taking people's orders. so i waved at him and he came and the guy sitting next to me stood up and spoke to the waiter and gave him like...i think 20 dollars or some thing. so the waiter came to me and asked what would i like to drink. i told him and i took the money from the waiter and gave it back to the guy and said something like no u shouldnt buy me drinks, i'm sorry but next time alright? he insisted and went over to the bar itself and instead of the waiter bringing me my drink, he bought me a bottle which surprisingly enough...not what i would like to drink...was tequila. so after that i woke up and i felt strange. was i living in someone else's shoes? coz i remember the money that i took out from "my" wallet looked like someone elses...
funny i just cant point my finger at it..
all in all i give it a 8/10
coz the movie didnt highlight what was the most important part, which was the Eyes of Destruction, they only showed it once which was pretty pathetic. people died really fast and there wasnt much of a character that me being the viewer could define with. but scenes were beautifully shot and costumes were pretty cool.
oh rite, before i close off i just wanted to record down my dream i had just now. it was kinda weird coz i think we were in bangkok or thailand or somewhere. i'm quite sure it was somewhere in thailand. anyways it was me at first, i couldnt find a table so i sat with a couple of strangers, non-locals as well and they were partying and having fun, oh btw the scene looked like it was in a bar with karaoke in it. so it was dark and i was waiting there apparently for someone, and first Liyana came, i dont know why i dreamt of her, i havent seen her in yonks and i havent spoken to her in ages. yeah she came and was looking for me and i called her name and she saw me and sat down rite next to me. so we were busy chatting and i havent ordered my drink yet and out pops Audrey, and she sits down and starts yapping her head off as usual.
so i'm sitting there, feeling thirsty and looking for a waiter so i asked them both did they get their drinks at the bar or with a waiter? they said at the bar, and there was this guy sitting next to me who said yeah what would u like? i'll go get it for u. so i said no it's alright i'll go get it myself and i looked again to my left to see whether there were any waiters going around and strangely enough there was one short taking people's orders. so i waved at him and he came and the guy sitting next to me stood up and spoke to the waiter and gave him like...i think 20 dollars or some thing. so the waiter came to me and asked what would i like to drink. i told him and i took the money from the waiter and gave it back to the guy and said something like no u shouldnt buy me drinks, i'm sorry but next time alright? he insisted and went over to the bar itself and instead of the waiter bringing me my drink, he bought me a bottle which surprisingly enough...not what i would like to drink...was tequila. so after that i woke up and i felt strange. was i living in someone else's shoes? coz i remember the money that i took out from "my" wallet looked like someone elses...
funny i just cant point my finger at it..
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Heavily Medicated & Menstruating
went to the doctor's last nite and found out that i had a very bad bronchial infection and i'm having a fever and a bad running nose, he put me on really strong antibiotics called klacid and i have a handfull of pills which i have to take every 4 hours. 2 for my migraine, 1 for my running nose, 2 for my fever, and another one to knock me out during the nights. not only that i have to down these pills with some green cough medicine, which strangely enough tastes yummy. i love cough medicine, it makes me happy.
so right i like pills as well, so i aint complaining about taking it, it's the after effects which make me cranky and grouchy. i feel like my whole body had been crushed by a steam roller and then like in those cartoons blown up again. i miss jason, at least when he's here he can take care of me. i would probably snap at him since i'm having bad PMS as well so maybe it's a good thing that he isnt here.
so at least i get sick now, i cure my sickness, then i wont get sick for the next few weeks! yay! ugh even being happy is such an effort for me now. breaking out in cold sweat isnt exactly very fun especially when my body is cold and hot at the same time.
so right now i'm seeing spots and feeling really light headed, so if any part of this entry doesnt make any sense, it's because u're not heavily medicated like me. try popping what i'm popping and u'll understand everyword i'm trying to say and more, u'll see bright lights and probably end up getting a seizure and then suing me for it. dont sue me, i'm only a student!
so right i like pills as well, so i aint complaining about taking it, it's the after effects which make me cranky and grouchy. i feel like my whole body had been crushed by a steam roller and then like in those cartoons blown up again. i miss jason, at least when he's here he can take care of me. i would probably snap at him since i'm having bad PMS as well so maybe it's a good thing that he isnt here.
so at least i get sick now, i cure my sickness, then i wont get sick for the next few weeks! yay! ugh even being happy is such an effort for me now. breaking out in cold sweat isnt exactly very fun especially when my body is cold and hot at the same time.
so right now i'm seeing spots and feeling really light headed, so if any part of this entry doesnt make any sense, it's because u're not heavily medicated like me. try popping what i'm popping and u'll understand everyword i'm trying to say and more, u'll see bright lights and probably end up getting a seizure and then suing me for it. dont sue me, i'm only a student!
Monday, May 22, 2006
Dear Marcus,
Look, i know i owe an explanation to why i broke up with you but that doesnt mean u can slam down the phone on me and pretend not to see me in LQ. I know very well u saw me and u just looked the other way.
the reason why i broke up with u is not because i dont love u anymore, and i know u loved me alot and i appreciated it and i loved u back, but the reason is because we couldnt work things out. i tried in our relationship, i really did try and it didnt work, i gave u many chances and so did u to me, we gave each other chances and on my side i tried very very hard to live up to our expectations of myself. but on my side i feel like u were treating me like a carpet and whenever u feel like it u just get angry at me or whenever u feel like it u would just step all over me. i have grown to respect myself and i cannot take it any longer. this is the reason why i felt that the relationship couldnt go on any longer. i have tried talking to u about this, i have tried telling u subtly and i have tried telling u blatantly, but u just never got it into ur system. and do not compare urself with me, coz if u had any problems with me before u would have told me about it then instead of keeping it inside and waiting for me to burst out and then bring all these things up.
i didnt break up with u because i suspected u were fooling around with someone else or trying to fool around with someone else or was going to, that thing happened in the past. i really feel strongly about this and i cannot waste anymore time on giving chances. i just wanted u to know how i feel so u could stop being angry at me and let it go.
let's try to be civil about this and be mature. i do not want the whole fiasco of me looking at u and turning the other way or vice versa. i rather be courteous and resposible for my actions and acknowledge that the past is the past. we both cannot run away or deny that we were together and we definitely cannot run away from the future of ever bumping into each other. so the next time i see u i will definitely say hello or at least acknowledge the fact that u are there.
i know it took alot of courage for u to sms me for the college icon semi finals. i know it took alot of guts for u to call me and speak to me on the phone before the semi finals. and i'm glad u did it, but despite u doing that it was still full of bitterness and hate, u didnt even want to give me the telephone number for the guy who rents out drums and does sound and lighting.
look all i'm trying to say is that i wish that u would let that bitterness and hate go and face the past because it will pave a path for ur future. u have been my best boyfriend that i will ever have and u will forever be a part of me. i dont ever want to see u turn ur back and face the other way and pretend that i'm not there. i want us to be civil to each other and be mature about everything. but if u do want to be like this then i have done everything i can, i cant force u to do anything anymore. this is not being dramatic or wanting to cause any shit, but i will wait for the day when we can have a decent conversation and have a laugh about things in the past.
Love,
Ethan
His Response: "Sorry, I cant do tat, I rather not see u. Good luck!"
the reason why i broke up with u is not because i dont love u anymore, and i know u loved me alot and i appreciated it and i loved u back, but the reason is because we couldnt work things out. i tried in our relationship, i really did try and it didnt work, i gave u many chances and so did u to me, we gave each other chances and on my side i tried very very hard to live up to our expectations of myself. but on my side i feel like u were treating me like a carpet and whenever u feel like it u just get angry at me or whenever u feel like it u would just step all over me. i have grown to respect myself and i cannot take it any longer. this is the reason why i felt that the relationship couldnt go on any longer. i have tried talking to u about this, i have tried telling u subtly and i have tried telling u blatantly, but u just never got it into ur system. and do not compare urself with me, coz if u had any problems with me before u would have told me about it then instead of keeping it inside and waiting for me to burst out and then bring all these things up.
i didnt break up with u because i suspected u were fooling around with someone else or trying to fool around with someone else or was going to, that thing happened in the past. i really feel strongly about this and i cannot waste anymore time on giving chances. i just wanted u to know how i feel so u could stop being angry at me and let it go.
let's try to be civil about this and be mature. i do not want the whole fiasco of me looking at u and turning the other way or vice versa. i rather be courteous and resposible for my actions and acknowledge that the past is the past. we both cannot run away or deny that we were together and we definitely cannot run away from the future of ever bumping into each other. so the next time i see u i will definitely say hello or at least acknowledge the fact that u are there.
i know it took alot of courage for u to sms me for the college icon semi finals. i know it took alot of guts for u to call me and speak to me on the phone before the semi finals. and i'm glad u did it, but despite u doing that it was still full of bitterness and hate, u didnt even want to give me the telephone number for the guy who rents out drums and does sound and lighting.
look all i'm trying to say is that i wish that u would let that bitterness and hate go and face the past because it will pave a path for ur future. u have been my best boyfriend that i will ever have and u will forever be a part of me. i dont ever want to see u turn ur back and face the other way and pretend that i'm not there. i want us to be civil to each other and be mature about everything. but if u do want to be like this then i have done everything i can, i cant force u to do anything anymore. this is not being dramatic or wanting to cause any shit, but i will wait for the day when we can have a decent conversation and have a laugh about things in the past.
Love,
Ethan
His Response: "Sorry, I cant do tat, I rather not see u. Good luck!"
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Ambiguity
Ambiguity makes people nurse grievance.
my biological clock seems to be working backwards. i sleep late at nights now and wake up late in the afternoons. i hate this sorta schedule, coz when i wake up late in the afternoon, i feel like i've wasted my whole day and in result i get cranky and grouchy.
so what happened last night? i went to my cousin's wedding dinner with my parents, met alot of relatives there, got to catch up with my two cousins who were pretty cool and i wondered at that moment why we didnt hang out with each other much. i had wine and beer, but i drank beer first coz "Beer before wine makes u fine, wine before beer makes u queer". heh
so yeah i think i had a bit too much to drink last nite, i'm not a really big fan of wine but i managed to drink about 7 or 8 glasses of it before i got light headed and decided to call it quits and stuck to iced water. the wedding dinner was pretty...and a bit tacky, but i shall not go into that coz i aint no wedding planner. but there was the chinese 8 course dinner which was cool, i love the chinese course dinners!
during the wedding, the bride's sister (who was japanese) wanted to sing as a gift to the bride and bridegroom, and as she sang, my cousin and his wife started dancing to the music. i guess it was the music and the fact that they were in love with each other that made me think about my wedding. am i even gonna get married? i certainly hope so! but to a guy who loves me more than he loves anything else.
so there i was, sitting and watching them dance, while dreaming of my own scenario where my partner and i danced to the first song we heard and loved, it's gotta be something romantic like sade's by your side or norah jones' don't know why. and to create that perfect moment, we wouldnt care about anyone else in the banquet hall, we would dance and kiss each other and hold each other and whisper softly, i love you. sigh...my wedding would be a beautiful one, if i ever get the chance.
so after the dinner, i left to LQ to meet up a few of my friends who were there. basically talked nonsense and was in a depressing and nostalgic mood (it was the wine...evil wine) and i was basically bored. i didnt feel like dancing, i felt like sitting down and drinking myself silly and chatting, something which i do ever so often, but my friend dragged me to the dancefloor. it would have been fun if i was high and i was kinda showing signs of boredom, so we moved up to the disco. it was like a steam room up there! sweaty bodies and people raising their arms so u could get a whiff of their armpits? it wasnt exactly fun to be walking through that. so i decided to head to the loo and grab a drink and just stood silently beside the dancefloor just looking at the sea of faceless people dancing like there's no tomorow. most of these people were on X anyways so they had dialated pupils and were high as a kite.
so my vision shifted from all these people into this guy dancing in front of me. i was kinda staring at him and didnt really notice it until he caught me looking a few times and i just pretended not to look. he was kinda cute and too bad he was dancing with a over-the-hill white dude (DONT U HAVE ASIAN PRIDE?!?). so yeah bad for me but good for that jackass. so my friends rejoined me later and we were basically just standing there chit chatting, with the music blasting into our ears, i have no idea how we even managed to get a conversation going. so yeah we left after i got my ass grabbed by some weirdo who was obviously alone. bastard...that was really rude.
so yeah we left to mackers in centrepoint and chatted till about 5AM before i dragged my sorry tired ass back home to get some shut eye. all in all it was a fun night
i miss being with someone
my biological clock seems to be working backwards. i sleep late at nights now and wake up late in the afternoons. i hate this sorta schedule, coz when i wake up late in the afternoon, i feel like i've wasted my whole day and in result i get cranky and grouchy.
so what happened last night? i went to my cousin's wedding dinner with my parents, met alot of relatives there, got to catch up with my two cousins who were pretty cool and i wondered at that moment why we didnt hang out with each other much. i had wine and beer, but i drank beer first coz "Beer before wine makes u fine, wine before beer makes u queer". heh
so yeah i think i had a bit too much to drink last nite, i'm not a really big fan of wine but i managed to drink about 7 or 8 glasses of it before i got light headed and decided to call it quits and stuck to iced water. the wedding dinner was pretty...and a bit tacky, but i shall not go into that coz i aint no wedding planner. but there was the chinese 8 course dinner which was cool, i love the chinese course dinners!
during the wedding, the bride's sister (who was japanese) wanted to sing as a gift to the bride and bridegroom, and as she sang, my cousin and his wife started dancing to the music. i guess it was the music and the fact that they were in love with each other that made me think about my wedding. am i even gonna get married? i certainly hope so! but to a guy who loves me more than he loves anything else.
so there i was, sitting and watching them dance, while dreaming of my own scenario where my partner and i danced to the first song we heard and loved, it's gotta be something romantic like sade's by your side or norah jones' don't know why. and to create that perfect moment, we wouldnt care about anyone else in the banquet hall, we would dance and kiss each other and hold each other and whisper softly, i love you. sigh...my wedding would be a beautiful one, if i ever get the chance.
so after the dinner, i left to LQ to meet up a few of my friends who were there. basically talked nonsense and was in a depressing and nostalgic mood (it was the wine...evil wine) and i was basically bored. i didnt feel like dancing, i felt like sitting down and drinking myself silly and chatting, something which i do ever so often, but my friend dragged me to the dancefloor. it would have been fun if i was high and i was kinda showing signs of boredom, so we moved up to the disco. it was like a steam room up there! sweaty bodies and people raising their arms so u could get a whiff of their armpits? it wasnt exactly fun to be walking through that. so i decided to head to the loo and grab a drink and just stood silently beside the dancefloor just looking at the sea of faceless people dancing like there's no tomorow. most of these people were on X anyways so they had dialated pupils and were high as a kite.
so my vision shifted from all these people into this guy dancing in front of me. i was kinda staring at him and didnt really notice it until he caught me looking a few times and i just pretended not to look. he was kinda cute and too bad he was dancing with a over-the-hill white dude (DONT U HAVE ASIAN PRIDE?!?). so yeah bad for me but good for that jackass. so my friends rejoined me later and we were basically just standing there chit chatting, with the music blasting into our ears, i have no idea how we even managed to get a conversation going. so yeah we left after i got my ass grabbed by some weirdo who was obviously alone. bastard...that was really rude.
so yeah we left to mackers in centrepoint and chatted till about 5AM before i dragged my sorry tired ass back home to get some shut eye. all in all it was a fun night
i miss being with someone
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Maple (Translation of Jay Chou's Feng)
The dark clouds left a piece of shadow in our heart
I listen to my long dreary mind
Clear and transparent, it’s just like the beautiful scenery
That I can only see clearly in my memories
Can the heart-broken you continue to love me?
I hold on tightly to your hands that has no temperature
The past sweetness has been locked up by the time
Only the inseparable sadness remains
The elegant red rain next to the mountainside
Withering away along with the northern wind
I gently shaking the wind bells
I want to waken the love that has been forgotten
The snowflakes have bespread the grounds
I’m deeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window has already been iced
The slowly fallen maple leaves are like yearnings
I light up the candle lights to warm up the ends of year autumn
The polar lights plunder the sky
The north wind sweep by, I thought of your face
I’ve burnt my love to fallen leaves
But I can not exchange back the face that I’m familiar with
The slowly fallen maple leaves are like yearnings
Why retrieval has to be hurriedly done before the winter comes?
Love you, and I travel through time
Two strings of tears from the end of autumn
It has let the love infiltrate the grounds
I only want you to stay besides me
The elegant red rain next to the mountainside
Withering away along with the northern wind
I gently shaking the wind bells
I want to waken the love that has been forgotten
The snowflakes have bespread the grounds
I’m deeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window has already been iced
I listen to my long dreary mind
Clear and transparent, it’s just like the beautiful scenery
That I can only see clearly in my memories
Can the heart-broken you continue to love me?
I hold on tightly to your hands that has no temperature
The past sweetness has been locked up by the time
Only the inseparable sadness remains
The elegant red rain next to the mountainside
Withering away along with the northern wind
I gently shaking the wind bells
I want to waken the love that has been forgotten
The snowflakes have bespread the grounds
I’m deeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window has already been iced
The slowly fallen maple leaves are like yearnings
I light up the candle lights to warm up the ends of year autumn
The polar lights plunder the sky
The north wind sweep by, I thought of your face
I’ve burnt my love to fallen leaves
But I can not exchange back the face that I’m familiar with
The slowly fallen maple leaves are like yearnings
Why retrieval has to be hurriedly done before the winter comes?
Love you, and I travel through time
Two strings of tears from the end of autumn
It has let the love infiltrate the grounds
I only want you to stay besides me
The elegant red rain next to the mountainside
Withering away along with the northern wind
I gently shaking the wind bells
I want to waken the love that has been forgotten
The snowflakes have bespread the grounds
I’m deeply scared that the maple leaves outside the window has already been iced
Empty & Useless
Every morning i wake up, lying on my bed with a mind as blank as my ceiling. what the hell did i do last night? what am i supposed to do tomorrow? i feel like my spirit's left my body entirely. my gosh i've got so many unanswered phone calls and so much shit left to deal with. i wish this were just a dream then i could just forget it all and leave it be. fuck it, how could this be a dream? what am I so worried about? what am I so scared of? maybe this freedom's my way of running away from all life's shit. can anyone tell me where i went wrong?
introspection's such an important thing but i've only just started to realize.
idiot! i used to call so many people this but now I'm the fool. do i really know myself? no idea. how old am i? not a clue.
these past few years i've tried so hard to prove to myself i'm different from everyone else, but i'm a dumbass. my foolish pride and arrogance has just hurt me.
The days feel like years in this shattered life i wander the streets like i've got no soul. my life's a stagnant pool and i feel i've lost all hope. i've barely got the tears to cry for myself.
there's no-one to stand by me on these lonely streets. the neon lights, they seem to laugh at me...
useless guy
introspection's such an important thing but i've only just started to realize.
idiot! i used to call so many people this but now I'm the fool. do i really know myself? no idea. how old am i? not a clue.
these past few years i've tried so hard to prove to myself i'm different from everyone else, but i'm a dumbass. my foolish pride and arrogance has just hurt me.
The days feel like years in this shattered life i wander the streets like i've got no soul. my life's a stagnant pool and i feel i've lost all hope. i've barely got the tears to cry for myself.
there's no-one to stand by me on these lonely streets. the neon lights, they seem to laugh at me...
useless guy
Thursday, May 18, 2006
My Tears Are Like Poems
In the evening I've got to roam.
Can't sleep in a city of neon and chrome.
hmmm i was working out in the gym today when i recieved a call from Jo Wen, as i just met her earlier on today, i didnt expect her to call me so soon especially when she works during the night shift. she shocked me by saying that she's in the hospital and needed someone to pick her up. i immediately dropped my weights and showered and raced to the hospital where she was at. she was going through the x-ray and my mind was racing and wondering how bad it got. it wasnt that bad, she came out looking like herself except she was walking kinda funny. it was such a great relief to see that she turned out okay and i thank the people working up there that she's safe and sound. she had a bad whiplash but still was alright.
it kinda scared me for a moment, my heart just sunk when she said she was in the hospital, it didnt help that after we left we were talking about death and stuff. life is really short and u never know when someone u know could collapse and just pass silently away.
it just got me thinking on the way back home, driving slowly...my mind just started imagining different scenarios of what would happen if.
what would i do if someone dear to me passed away? i dont think i would be able to recover coz my friends and my family mean alot to me. but what would i do if something happened to my ex? i certainly do not wish for anything to happen to them or him but what if? i dont think i'll be able to cope with life knowing that i wasnt there at the last few moments.
so there i was...listening to Stephanie Sun's haunting voice with everything going through my head, and i just started tearing. it's like a wave of depression just came over me and i was drowning in it. i had to stop my car beside the road to just catch a deep breath of air. i dont think i have ever been like this before, this is something i've never ever experienced in my life. it was so overwhelming and i just sat there in my car with the hazard signal going off, just crying. after a while i pushed the hazard button for it to stop and just took a deep breath and drove home.
what if...
Can't sleep in a city of neon and chrome.
hmmm i was working out in the gym today when i recieved a call from Jo Wen, as i just met her earlier on today, i didnt expect her to call me so soon especially when she works during the night shift. she shocked me by saying that she's in the hospital and needed someone to pick her up. i immediately dropped my weights and showered and raced to the hospital where she was at. she was going through the x-ray and my mind was racing and wondering how bad it got. it wasnt that bad, she came out looking like herself except she was walking kinda funny. it was such a great relief to see that she turned out okay and i thank the people working up there that she's safe and sound. she had a bad whiplash but still was alright.
it kinda scared me for a moment, my heart just sunk when she said she was in the hospital, it didnt help that after we left we were talking about death and stuff. life is really short and u never know when someone u know could collapse and just pass silently away.
it just got me thinking on the way back home, driving slowly...my mind just started imagining different scenarios of what would happen if.
what would i do if someone dear to me passed away? i dont think i would be able to recover coz my friends and my family mean alot to me. but what would i do if something happened to my ex? i certainly do not wish for anything to happen to them or him but what if? i dont think i'll be able to cope with life knowing that i wasnt there at the last few moments.
so there i was...listening to Stephanie Sun's haunting voice with everything going through my head, and i just started tearing. it's like a wave of depression just came over me and i was drowning in it. i had to stop my car beside the road to just catch a deep breath of air. i dont think i have ever been like this before, this is something i've never ever experienced in my life. it was so overwhelming and i just sat there in my car with the hazard signal going off, just crying. after a while i pushed the hazard button for it to stop and just took a deep breath and drove home.
what if...
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Assignment Overloading and Overdrives
jason just left back to KT, it's so sad. and i know he'll definitely read this so just to say i'll miss ya loads and hopefully u can come back soon.
so i have 3 mini assignments due in this friday which i have started but barely finished, 1 major research proposal due in next week, and 1 major major feminist theory assignment due in the week after that. gosh i'm starting to feel the burn of university. yeah yeah i can read ur mind, u'll probably be thinking to urself, gosh this kid doesnt know what he's talking about, working life is so much harder and everything, better enjoy uni life while it lasts. well my subjects suck ass. i mean what kinda gay guy takes feminist theory as a subject? well at least i have ammo against ur garden variety of angry raging lesbians who have penis envy. it's fun to take the piss in lesbians. hahaha i still love all u lesbians tho!
oh right i do apologise for those of u who i added on msn and havent chatted with u for a while, i just cant chat with people online, i find it really impersonal and also really hard. i rather meet people in person and talk about anything. i'm open minded despite what PEOPLE may say *hey i have my own principles!*
so i'm probably logging off soon, and SHOULD go back to my work, but i dont want to....:(
so i have 3 mini assignments due in this friday which i have started but barely finished, 1 major research proposal due in next week, and 1 major major feminist theory assignment due in the week after that. gosh i'm starting to feel the burn of university. yeah yeah i can read ur mind, u'll probably be thinking to urself, gosh this kid doesnt know what he's talking about, working life is so much harder and everything, better enjoy uni life while it lasts. well my subjects suck ass. i mean what kinda gay guy takes feminist theory as a subject? well at least i have ammo against ur garden variety of angry raging lesbians who have penis envy. it's fun to take the piss in lesbians. hahaha i still love all u lesbians tho!
oh right i do apologise for those of u who i added on msn and havent chatted with u for a while, i just cant chat with people online, i find it really impersonal and also really hard. i rather meet people in person and talk about anything. i'm open minded despite what PEOPLE may say *hey i have my own principles!*
so i'm probably logging off soon, and SHOULD go back to my work, but i dont want to....:(
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Liquid Dreams
so liquid was fun! last night was the weirdest night ever, with claudia's birthday at mackers, my friend coming down from kuala trengganu, us getting high and mighty at liquid, etc etc. so let me start off by recapping what happened the whole day yesterday.
it started off with me procrastinating whether to hit the gym at 2PM in the afternoon, i was thinking well i should go but i'm dead tired from working out the whole week so i should reward myself with a little bit of time for myself. so i just lazed around my room for the rest of the afternoon. i also got a msg from Jason saying that he'll be coming down from KT and he'll probably reach at 8 something which was cool coz i had Claudia's party at macdonalds (yeah i see the irony, we're alittle bit too old for that) which was funny but quite dead. so Jason arrived and met up with all of us and so did Audrey and Caroline and we spent about an hour sitting there wondering whether we should leave them and head down to LQ or stick with them and try to get to know the rest of them. yeah we decided to ditch all of them and head for LQ.
so once we reached LQ we got a table and sat down to order our drinks when i noticed some weirdo looking in our direction. i didnt think much of it coz i mean we were lookin pretty hot that night, heh heh heh. so we drank and drank and drank and went to the toilet, drank, drank and went to the toilet, etc etc. this process was repeated about a couple of times, i think we all have bladders the size of walnuts. so yeah as i was coming out of the toilet with Audrey, the weirdo was there again and we had to pass by him to get to where we were seated and trust me this guy was a freak! he was wearing jeans, a skull imprinted black t-shirt tucked into his jeans and gelled hair, it was a scary sight. so kinda scared and kinda high i was holding on to my friend's hand for dear life hoping nothing would happen and then it happened. he slid his hand across my stomach and felt me up. yucks, gross, disgusting! ughh i had to shake the feeling off.
i bumped into a friend whom i havent seen in a very long time as well, he sounds like he's doing fine ^_^
oh right and i saw my ex's ex there as well. he was like staring/glaring at me and Jason, i didnt wanna say anything, i just tried to look away. he was on the phone most of the time for some unknown reason, i just hope he's not spying on me and reporting back to my ex like his other ex did. it was weird enough he knew my name and it was definitely weird that he would wanna say hello to me in the club. for what? to acknowledge the fact that he was there during the 10 months we've been apart? well he didnt need to do that, his pressence was already felt.
so all in all it was a good night, i havent clubbed or drank for ages! black label just tastes better when u're sober...
it started off with me procrastinating whether to hit the gym at 2PM in the afternoon, i was thinking well i should go but i'm dead tired from working out the whole week so i should reward myself with a little bit of time for myself. so i just lazed around my room for the rest of the afternoon. i also got a msg from Jason saying that he'll be coming down from KT and he'll probably reach at 8 something which was cool coz i had Claudia's party at macdonalds (yeah i see the irony, we're alittle bit too old for that) which was funny but quite dead. so Jason arrived and met up with all of us and so did Audrey and Caroline and we spent about an hour sitting there wondering whether we should leave them and head down to LQ or stick with them and try to get to know the rest of them. yeah we decided to ditch all of them and head for LQ.
so once we reached LQ we got a table and sat down to order our drinks when i noticed some weirdo looking in our direction. i didnt think much of it coz i mean we were lookin pretty hot that night, heh heh heh. so we drank and drank and drank and went to the toilet, drank, drank and went to the toilet, etc etc. this process was repeated about a couple of times, i think we all have bladders the size of walnuts. so yeah as i was coming out of the toilet with Audrey, the weirdo was there again and we had to pass by him to get to where we were seated and trust me this guy was a freak! he was wearing jeans, a skull imprinted black t-shirt tucked into his jeans and gelled hair, it was a scary sight. so kinda scared and kinda high i was holding on to my friend's hand for dear life hoping nothing would happen and then it happened. he slid his hand across my stomach and felt me up. yucks, gross, disgusting! ughh i had to shake the feeling off.
i bumped into a friend whom i havent seen in a very long time as well, he sounds like he's doing fine ^_^
oh right and i saw my ex's ex there as well. he was like staring/glaring at me and Jason, i didnt wanna say anything, i just tried to look away. he was on the phone most of the time for some unknown reason, i just hope he's not spying on me and reporting back to my ex like his other ex did. it was weird enough he knew my name and it was definitely weird that he would wanna say hello to me in the club. for what? to acknowledge the fact that he was there during the 10 months we've been apart? well he didnt need to do that, his pressence was already felt.
so all in all it was a good night, i havent clubbed or drank for ages! black label just tastes better when u're sober...
Friday, May 12, 2006
Sleepless in Malaysia
it's 5 minutes to 5AM and i just cant sleep. been awake for the whole night and dreaming what it would be like to have a totally different life. laying my head on the pillow...just dreaming of different scenarios where i could be better. i get haunted by things that i know i could have said something smarter, or something embarrassing and what i could have done to avoid it. -_-; yes i know i think too much but this is my nightly ritual before i set my sail to dreamland.
my friend just commented on my eyebags when i had a drink with her, she asked me how i was doing and how i was handling everything. i told her some days i feel great and i'm pumped up and felt like i could take on the world, some days i just felt like grabbing on to my favourite pillow on so tight and wish hard that everything would just go away. i have been sober for about 3 days which is a good sign, i havent been relying on alcohol to go through my life. i just need great friends and i'm thankful i have such great friends. her asking me how i felt just brightened up my day, unexplainable maybe, but it felt to me like she cared for me.
so i'm unable to sleep, or unable to get a good night's sleep. i miss having a pressence there, but i have to get used to it. as i said earlier in one of my diary entries...i need to be self sufficient. this is the time for me to not hop into a relationship and just start being friends with everyone first. i just hope i dont fall into the same trap i have fell into every single relationship i had.
so the singapore trip is cancelled. mostly coz my friends cant go, but maybe i can go there alone or something. i have friends down there who i can meet up and stuff, so what's stopping me...?
my friend just commented on my eyebags when i had a drink with her, she asked me how i was doing and how i was handling everything. i told her some days i feel great and i'm pumped up and felt like i could take on the world, some days i just felt like grabbing on to my favourite pillow on so tight and wish hard that everything would just go away. i have been sober for about 3 days which is a good sign, i havent been relying on alcohol to go through my life. i just need great friends and i'm thankful i have such great friends. her asking me how i felt just brightened up my day, unexplainable maybe, but it felt to me like she cared for me.
so i'm unable to sleep, or unable to get a good night's sleep. i miss having a pressence there, but i have to get used to it. as i said earlier in one of my diary entries...i need to be self sufficient. this is the time for me to not hop into a relationship and just start being friends with everyone first. i just hope i dont fall into the same trap i have fell into every single relationship i had.
so the singapore trip is cancelled. mostly coz my friends cant go, but maybe i can go there alone or something. i have friends down there who i can meet up and stuff, so what's stopping me...?
Monday, May 8, 2006
Thanks To You
i'm feeling in a good mood today. i managed to go to the gym and workout for about 2+ hours and i will definitely start aching tomorow coz i think i overworked myself, but it's definitely worth it coz of the endorphins released in my body. so i'm happy.
one of my closest friends from Melbourne came back last night for good and i managed to catch up with her today in the gym! she apparently signed up with her lesbian partner so i would probably see her around and stuff.
oh right, i'm planning to go down to singapore this weekend, not really planned yet coz of my friends wanna go but they didnt really give me a confirmation on it yet but things are starting to look up. budget? let's see...
Bus tickets (to and fro): RM140
Accomodation @ Hilton: SD200 X 2nites= SD400
what else is there? oh drinks and clubbing...i cant really work that out coz i dont know how much i'll spend there. huahahah
we were planning to take the bus on friday evening, coz my friend has to work, so we'll probably reach there around 11, then check in and dump our bags and take a quick shower and go out clubbing, and since i promised that we would go to lesbian bar (i hope i can get in tho) we would go in search of one that nite. okay i need to think of other stuff at the moment...so i'll leave it at this.
*plans to be updated!*
one of my closest friends from Melbourne came back last night for good and i managed to catch up with her today in the gym! she apparently signed up with her lesbian partner so i would probably see her around and stuff.
oh right, i'm planning to go down to singapore this weekend, not really planned yet coz of my friends wanna go but they didnt really give me a confirmation on it yet but things are starting to look up. budget? let's see...
Bus tickets (to and fro): RM140
Accomodation @ Hilton: SD200 X 2nites= SD400
what else is there? oh drinks and clubbing...i cant really work that out coz i dont know how much i'll spend there. huahahah
we were planning to take the bus on friday evening, coz my friend has to work, so we'll probably reach there around 11, then check in and dump our bags and take a quick shower and go out clubbing, and since i promised that we would go to lesbian bar (i hope i can get in tho) we would go in search of one that nite. okay i need to think of other stuff at the moment...so i'll leave it at this.
*plans to be updated!*
Saturday, May 6, 2006
Write Where It Hurts
how ironic, the second me and my ex breaks up, he goes online to search for boys in JB coz he's going to JB today for an event. well happy hunting and i hope he finds what he needs there, preferably not an STD.
i just woke up and been lazing around with my hair all funky looking. sometimes i look into the mirror just right after i woke up and i think, hey that's a pretty cool hair-do, i should just walk out with my hair looking like that! but i never have the guts to. maybe i should just do it one of these days just for the hell of it.
i'm really hooked on to Most Haunted at the moment, this television series which i downloaded about haunted locations in England. it's not really scary, it's just amusing to watch because it's highly unbelievable that some guy can just get possessed a number of times just by standing there in front of the camera. there must be some kind of...i dont know, i guess a trick to it? like the floor managers or the host tells him the story of the location or he researches it before going to the location. and plus there's nothing good shown! there's no faces nor bodies floating around. when i watch something spooky i wanna see some disembodied autonomy flying around! well that or some crazy bitch with long black matted hair who came back from the dead to kill everyone.
i love horror movies, i love getting scared. anyways i'm used to it, my mom used to scare me to sleep when i was younger. apparently i was too naughty and she needed a trick to put me to sleep, it was either that or this medicine called Fong-Yau which is sorta like a liquid which u rub on the temple of ur head during a headache or u sniff it if u feel queasy, yeah she would use that and rub it in on my eye lids. what a horri-gi-ble mother i have! and all the time i would cry and hide under the covers coz she's one good actor.
maybe one of these days i should just scare her back.
i just woke up and been lazing around with my hair all funky looking. sometimes i look into the mirror just right after i woke up and i think, hey that's a pretty cool hair-do, i should just walk out with my hair looking like that! but i never have the guts to. maybe i should just do it one of these days just for the hell of it.
i'm really hooked on to Most Haunted at the moment, this television series which i downloaded about haunted locations in England. it's not really scary, it's just amusing to watch because it's highly unbelievable that some guy can just get possessed a number of times just by standing there in front of the camera. there must be some kind of...i dont know, i guess a trick to it? like the floor managers or the host tells him the story of the location or he researches it before going to the location. and plus there's nothing good shown! there's no faces nor bodies floating around. when i watch something spooky i wanna see some disembodied autonomy flying around! well that or some crazy bitch with long black matted hair who came back from the dead to kill everyone.
i love horror movies, i love getting scared. anyways i'm used to it, my mom used to scare me to sleep when i was younger. apparently i was too naughty and she needed a trick to put me to sleep, it was either that or this medicine called Fong-Yau which is sorta like a liquid which u rub on the temple of ur head during a headache or u sniff it if u feel queasy, yeah she would use that and rub it in on my eye lids. what a horri-gi-ble mother i have! and all the time i would cry and hide under the covers coz she's one good actor.
maybe one of these days i should just scare her back.
Friday, May 5, 2006
Hexant's Monstrosity
i have a dark side, a side of me which i detest, he's too proud to admit anything and the pushes all the pain and suffering to me, he says things that i dont really mean and he shoves the consequences in my face, he clouds my mind with disturbing images and he drives me to the brink of insanity.
i have named him Hexant.
i have been trying to push everything away from my mind and i'm focusing on what's important to me. right now i'm trying to converge all my energy into doing my assignments. no going out and no drinking. i've been too dependant on alcohol to solve all my problems. my finals are coming up and i dont want to be the major screw-up like i was last year. i believe my spots can change, if i put my mind to it and will it to happen.
so i'm done with my feminist theory test, yes i do take Feminist Theories as a subject, and no i dont think i'll turn into a lesbian anytime soon. i do believe in feminism and to deconstruct everything that is essentialised. that's what media students do anyways rite?
i'm also trying to be happy, to put myself in shoes that fit and catch that balloon that seems so far away. listening to music really helps, especially clubbing music coz it's bubbly and fun.
so there i am in the car blasting Madonna's Sorry while driving. i'm singing to it and moving my shoulders and body to the music when i realized my windows are not tinted, nor is it painted black. so i turn to my right and i looked into the car next to me. there they were, a bunch of girls in a black Toyota laughing hysterically at me and pointing and mimicing my moves. gosh i was so embarrassed and i still am. so what i did was smile sheepishly and sink into my seat and prayed to all my gods for the light to turn green so i can speed off. it took forever so i turned to look at them again and they were gesturing for me to start dancing again and were mouthing Come On! oh well what to do? an entertainer needs to entertain, so i blasted Sugababes' Red Dress and i started dancing and singing again. these girls just started laughing...and fortunately the lights turned green so i waved bye-bye and went on my way.
i've learnt my lesson: to never to blast music unless i'm really drunk.
i have named him Hexant.
i have been trying to push everything away from my mind and i'm focusing on what's important to me. right now i'm trying to converge all my energy into doing my assignments. no going out and no drinking. i've been too dependant on alcohol to solve all my problems. my finals are coming up and i dont want to be the major screw-up like i was last year. i believe my spots can change, if i put my mind to it and will it to happen.
so i'm done with my feminist theory test, yes i do take Feminist Theories as a subject, and no i dont think i'll turn into a lesbian anytime soon. i do believe in feminism and to deconstruct everything that is essentialised. that's what media students do anyways rite?
i'm also trying to be happy, to put myself in shoes that fit and catch that balloon that seems so far away. listening to music really helps, especially clubbing music coz it's bubbly and fun.
so there i am in the car blasting Madonna's Sorry while driving. i'm singing to it and moving my shoulders and body to the music when i realized my windows are not tinted, nor is it painted black. so i turn to my right and i looked into the car next to me. there they were, a bunch of girls in a black Toyota laughing hysterically at me and pointing and mimicing my moves. gosh i was so embarrassed and i still am. so what i did was smile sheepishly and sink into my seat and prayed to all my gods for the light to turn green so i can speed off. it took forever so i turned to look at them again and they were gesturing for me to start dancing again and were mouthing Come On! oh well what to do? an entertainer needs to entertain, so i blasted Sugababes' Red Dress and i started dancing and singing again. these girls just started laughing...and fortunately the lights turned green so i waved bye-bye and went on my way.
i've learnt my lesson: to never to blast music unless i'm really drunk.
Confessions of a Broken Violin
i am a violin, play me right and i'll sing a exquisite tune for you. play me wrong and my melody will pierce your soul with heart wrenching wails.
i'm not writing this down because i want everybody or a certain somebody to read this. i'm writing this down coz this is what i need to vent out my frustration and sadness. since there's practically no one for me to talk to who will understand me and my feelings, this is the only way i can transcribe my emotions...
tears are rolling down from my eyes like hot coals on my cold face. i cant seem to stop it no matter how hard i try. i tell myself, hey you dont need him in ur life, he's only making it miserable and he's treating u like shit. i know this for a fact, i have been suffering quite a bit in this relationship and i dont know when the pen to this book will ever have a full stop to it. my heart aches ever so dully, and i've put my heart and soul into this relationship. the reason why i chose to work part time is because he needed help, because he wanted me to, and i did it, despite me hating to walk around sweating in the heat. i did it because my boyfriend needed me and it's in my principles to help him in any way possible. i sacrifice myself and my selfish ways in order for him to do a good job. please do not misunderstand me and him, and do not judge or be judgemental by reading this because there's always two sides of the story and this is my side, how i feel.
i've just had enough of this bullshit. it's even hard for me to type this out because i'm scared. i'm scared that he'll be the only guy who is ever capable of loving me. and i do love him, but i feel that the flame is starting to diminish and flicker. but why am i sniffling? why are my eyes swelling up with tears and trickling down my face? why does my heart long for him? i do not have the answers to these questions.
sitting at Friends just now, i just kept on looking at my phone every 5 to 10 minutes, waiting for him to ring me up. but what would i say to him when he calls me? i already told him i've had enough and this is goodbye. like a punch in the guts, i curse myself, for not taking my phone charger from his house so i can charge my phone and wait for his call. a part of me is sadistic, waiting for his beckoning so i can painfully go back to his side. i hate myself for this. i hate this part of me which i find so repulsive, a weak minded idiot who has no will power of his own and cant even keep to his word. the only way to comfort myself is to tell myself i tried. i tried to work out my relationship. i tried to make it work. i tried to trust him. i tried so hard to let by-gones be by-gones. the sadistic part of me is screaming at myself and saying YOU HAVENT TRIED HARD ENOUGH. am i starting to go insane? is this what relationships does to a person? i dont want any part of this. i just wanna curl up in my bed...
how i wish for the beating of my heart to slow it's pumping so i can peacefully pass through tonite.
i'm not writing this down because i want everybody or a certain somebody to read this. i'm writing this down coz this is what i need to vent out my frustration and sadness. since there's practically no one for me to talk to who will understand me and my feelings, this is the only way i can transcribe my emotions...
tears are rolling down from my eyes like hot coals on my cold face. i cant seem to stop it no matter how hard i try. i tell myself, hey you dont need him in ur life, he's only making it miserable and he's treating u like shit. i know this for a fact, i have been suffering quite a bit in this relationship and i dont know when the pen to this book will ever have a full stop to it. my heart aches ever so dully, and i've put my heart and soul into this relationship. the reason why i chose to work part time is because he needed help, because he wanted me to, and i did it, despite me hating to walk around sweating in the heat. i did it because my boyfriend needed me and it's in my principles to help him in any way possible. i sacrifice myself and my selfish ways in order for him to do a good job. please do not misunderstand me and him, and do not judge or be judgemental by reading this because there's always two sides of the story and this is my side, how i feel.
i've just had enough of this bullshit. it's even hard for me to type this out because i'm scared. i'm scared that he'll be the only guy who is ever capable of loving me. and i do love him, but i feel that the flame is starting to diminish and flicker. but why am i sniffling? why are my eyes swelling up with tears and trickling down my face? why does my heart long for him? i do not have the answers to these questions.
sitting at Friends just now, i just kept on looking at my phone every 5 to 10 minutes, waiting for him to ring me up. but what would i say to him when he calls me? i already told him i've had enough and this is goodbye. like a punch in the guts, i curse myself, for not taking my phone charger from his house so i can charge my phone and wait for his call. a part of me is sadistic, waiting for his beckoning so i can painfully go back to his side. i hate myself for this. i hate this part of me which i find so repulsive, a weak minded idiot who has no will power of his own and cant even keep to his word. the only way to comfort myself is to tell myself i tried. i tried to work out my relationship. i tried to make it work. i tried to trust him. i tried so hard to let by-gones be by-gones. the sadistic part of me is screaming at myself and saying YOU HAVENT TRIED HARD ENOUGH. am i starting to go insane? is this what relationships does to a person? i dont want any part of this. i just wanna curl up in my bed...
how i wish for the beating of my heart to slow it's pumping so i can peacefully pass through tonite.
Thursday, May 4, 2006
Divine Principles
i'm back, and i've changed. i think i basically turned into this other person whom i cant even recognise anymore. i tried my best to retain the best part of me but i feel as if i lost it. but i'm working hard on finding my true self and realizing how great i can be.
i cant write much rite now. i'm just feeling kinda weird and indifferent. i'll write more tomorow or maybe later.
i cant write much rite now. i'm just feeling kinda weird and indifferent. i'll write more tomorow or maybe later.
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