No Sleep Tonight

It's 5.40AM in the morning. I just got home from a night at Genting with Jarvis and Mitchel; a dreadful night indeed. The whole evening was spent pleading Jarvis to stop gambling, cut his losses and go home since I was promised that we'd leave at 2. I contemplated on the idea of taking a cab back from Genting, but with 40 bucks in my wallet and at 3.30AM in the morning, I decided against it and just wait.

The hot topic during the trip to Genting was about Jarvis' boyfriend, Heath, whom I have in the recent months became really close to. I was subjected to being accused of having an affair with him and also not being a good friend since I did not meddle in J & H's relationship by taking Jarvis' side.

I try to be a good friend. I honestly do. These are people who are quite important in my life, people whom I have grown accustomed to. It really upsets me that someone whom I have known for a while would accuse me of fucking his boyfriend and fooling around with him behind his back. Despite constant reassurance, he still feels as if there is something going on between both of us, even though he knows very well I'm dating someone special and that Heath and I are absolutely not attracted to each other.

Why should I be the one who should be talking to Heath about their relationship problems? I feel as if I'm in the middle of a battlefield and the only one who will end up getting hurt and losing friends is me. Here is Jarvis, pouring his pain and sorrow to Mitchell while I kept quiet at the backseat of the car, and then Mitchell starts to lecture me about how I should act as a "friend". I apparently should speak to H and ask him why he wants to treat J that way and etc etc. Isn't that another way of asking me to take sides and say that H is totally wrong? I've seen things that I shouldn't have seen, I know things I should not know. I've been keeping quiet all this time and not judging anyone despite what they've done. Why am I being subjected to all this when I feel as if I have done what any friend would have done?

I am cursed if I do, I'm cursed if I don't. I don't know what I've done to deserve this.

Serenity

Someone once sent me an e-mail with the content on dating; something about going on hundreds of bad dates so when the right one comes along you'll know it. We meet people all the time, whether it's on the streets of Kuala Lumpur, in the local watering hole or online at various dating websites.

I recently met someone a couple of days ago whom I can really fall for. He's got a wicked sense of humour, devilishly cute, the whole package. We've been on a couple of dates and it's awkward for me since I almost never have these sort of feelings just after meeting anyone. This got me thinking, do I really like the guy or am I so starved for a relationship that I imagined myself a great guy? I started to wonder whether the person who wrote the e-mail about the bad dates was on crack or in the same position that I am in.

I brought him to meet a couple of my friends and they seem to like him a lot. One of which said to me "I've never seen you this happy" and then started scowling at me when we held hands or pecked each other's cheeks. I suppose there is a limit to the amount of PDA when you're around friends.


There are also some things that I'm afraid to ask and yet is on my mind constantly. Are we dating? Are we boyfriends? Or are we just two people who enjoy each other's company and have great sex? I try to tell myself (and him) that I rather not go through the technicality of labeling what we are and defining our relationship so therefore we are undefinable. Makes life a lot easier.

So I'll just wait....and see how this goes.

Judgemental Judies and Julians

I'm not a saint nor a sinner; I'm human.

We are often critiqued and judged almost every single day in our lives; especially in Malaysia where we are surrounded by Holier-Than-Thou personalities in every corner we turn. As I sat across from a University friend, critiquing her writing, it occurred to me that some people can not take criticisms very well. My friend did take it as positive and constructive criticism, although I suspect she's not really listening to me at all.


That got me thinking; do we really have the right to critique the people around us, or dare I say judge complete strangers? We do it everyday of our lives without even realizing it. Putting on our Judge's robes and pointing fingers at people, telling what they should do and what they shouldn't, is that really human nature? Or are we basically nurtured into thinking that it is human nature to judge?

I recently got a bad review from an ex of mine telling me I shouldn't be doing this and that, as well as being shocked to certain things I have done. This coming from a 31 year old man who on the last conversation we had called me a dickhead. I suppose we do want to fit into this mould of being perfect, so no one can be able to criticize or point their witchy-poo finger at us. But what happens if you do something that breaks this mould of perfection?



Everyone knows that it takes a lifetime to build a great and fantastic reputation, but it only takes one bad review to shatter it all. I'm pondering, since I'm not seen as a saint in the eyes of people, why should I make myself one? I might as well do whatever the hell I want and live my life carefree of being judged.


Life is too short to be so self-aware and creating this "image" for oneself. So why not live life the way you want?

As long as you know the difference from right and wrong, I say go for it.

What Lies Before Me

A pencil

A stapler

A book

A vodka martini

Then nothing....

Nothing....

Nothing....



Blinding headache.

Randomness

The moon peels my heart like an onion, what remains when I'm removed of my defenses?

I was going through my computer drives when I stumbled across some interesting photos that I personally took. Now honestly I wish I had the "eye" for capturing the beauty in photographs but unfortunately I fail miserably at my attempt to do so. So here goes nothing.

This was taken right outside my balcony a couple of months back. I was experimenting. Oh right, these photos were all taken from my camera phone. Go Motorola/Sony Ericson!

My messy room. The shot was Pandemic.

As I said, I was experimenting.

My favourite place.

Some place in Singapore. I thought the fountain was uber cool.

This is actually a hanging lamp taken from one of my mummy's houses. I shot it cause I thought it looked interesting. The only one where my hands weren't shaking.

What do we do in class?

I can't remember what class this was. Obviously since I wasn't paying attention and taking photos of my Marlboros and water bottle.

There you go. The utmost random photos ever.

Ex. One-0-One

Eugene looked up at the midnight sky and wished for his life to end. Standing over the cliff that overlooked the city of Kuala Lumpur, his hazel brown eyes started to moisten. No one expected such a huge man to cry over anything, or anyone, but the pellets of tears formed and stung like hot coals as it rolled down his almost perfect skin.

The wind carried the smell of fresh dew and flowed through his dark brown hair. Breathing was now a chore and small yelps escaped his soft lips with every breath he took. The tears gathered at the tip of his goatee and fell onto the ground, occasionally nicking and creating stains on his white t-shirt and faded blue jeans. Like a broken marionette, Eugene slumped onto the ground and closed his eyes.

A grey Proton hummed loudly behind him and drowned out the nearby crickets, but the whispers of his name still lingers in the air. If limbo existed on Earth, he was in it. Time stood still, he could feel the world waiting for him to do it. He couldn’t bring himself to. Not until he said goodbye to him. He opened his eyes and focused his sight on the bright lights of the beautiful city.

Slowly, Eugene turned his back and walked towards his car. He opened the door to the driver’s seat and looked down at the bloody body of his former lover. He was choking on a dark murky substance, the same substance that leaked from the puncture wounds on his abdomen and stained the insides of the vehicle. Eugene contorted his upper body into the car and whispered into his ear.

“If I can’t have you, no one can. Goodbye…Christian.”

With that, Eugene released the brakes.

Copyrighted By Ethan Lim.
You Steal, I Kill.

The Illusion Of Being Delusional

Being single in a life of endless amounts of sexual conquests, one might feel the dire need to settle down with someone they have chemistry with. So when it comes to the tales of relationships and love, if you're not attracted to someone who is attracted to you, what is the best possible way to say No?

Meeting people that I thought I would have a connection with, I realize that it is hard to find someone whom I am able to connect with emotionally and mentally. Especially with guys around my age or younger than I am; they tend to think on a whole different level. Not to say that I am matured for my age, I'd like to think that they haven't experienced the shit the world has to offer them yet.

The last guy I dated was a disaster waiting to happen. Conflicted by his issues of wanting to look like a stereotypical Greek God and not having it, he hides himself behind a mask of delusion; reassuring everyone around him that he may not be good looking, but at least some guy/girl is checking him out. To believe that beauty is determined by others is a crock of shite. A bigger load of shite is when you're trying to convince the people around you that you are indeed the epitome of beauty.

I am currently going through a revolving door of bad dates and people that are generally bad for me and my Achilles' heel is that I can't seem to bring myself to say No or I'm not interested. Instead I wait. I wait for them to realize that I secretly want to rip off my leg so I have something to beat them with.

A guy that I am not attracted to at all, not even on the primary level of communication, just told me that I am the right person for him and he wants to "go after" me. With what? A pitchfork? So that he can stab me and sell my organs in the black market to buy his next Louis Vuitton man-bag? Huh...

Well I did the worst thing possible. I lied. I'm not going to say how I lied but I am not proud of it. I just can't seem to bring myself to say, "Hey, you're materialistic and you're shallow. Also you're more flamboyant than Pepe Le Pew. Sorry but this just ain't gonna work out."


So basking in my shame and with my tail in between my legs, I bowed out before I got myself into something I could not handle again.

Not because I choose to. It's because I have to.

Can't You Just Adore Him?

Someone once said that two halves make a whole. Is that why we all feel the need to have a spouse or a lover?

Coming back from my high school friend's wedding reception, I felt a twinge the emotional baggage I thought I had left behind. I watched her from afar, going from table to table with her newly wed husband and thought to myself, I had never seen her this happy my entire life; even though it was a shotgun wedding. I do suppose that the pregnancy was a blessing in disguise; she has been together with him for 5 years and seeing them together, I have to say that they were meant for each other.

The bride came over and talked to me for a while, and also unexpectedly tried to set me up with a lecturer from a local college. Even during wedding dinners, I'm being shunned for being single. My high school classmates whom I had not seen for a couple of years kept asking me, "Why are you single?". Like I don't get asked that question enough. I don't even know how to answer a question like that. Even if I do, why should I be subjected to the sympathetic faces they give? So I did what all single people do. Make generic jokes about being tied down.

Deep inside I know. I know it's rather lonely at times and sitting and waiting for my friends to arrive, I realized how good it is to have a partner there with you. I waited for an hour and a half for my high school friends to show up (they apparently got stuck in traffic), and I just sat there alone.

I guess that was it.

I am alone.

And it was made apparent when the dinner started and I didn't know where to sit. So I waited for the familiar faces to arrive. I had a lot of time to sit and think about what was going on in my life. I had this overwhelming emotion of missing a part of myself. Is there actually something fundamentally wrong with me that I can't seem to be able to retain a relationship?

I just couldn't help but feel like I'm life's latest mistake.