Lingering In Life

sometimes i sit and ponder over my life. i start analyzing myself and wonder what the hell i'm doing with my life. this is one of those times. i was sitting in the car, driving back home with The Cranberries playing their haunting melodies on my stereo; their No Need To Argue album seem to have a nostalgic effect on me, as well as depressive. this wave of emotions just seem to overwhelm me as i start looking at my life; i'm starting to feel my life has no meaning. i wake up during the evening, i hardly go for classes, i have assignments due in the next week and i havent even started, my exams are in a few weeks time and i go out late at night and come home during the wee hours of the morning. i feel like my life is slowly crumbling before me and soon i wont even have a leg to stand on.

i tell myself and i tell others that i dont need anyone to depend on, but deep in my heart i know i need someone to take care of me. i'm a walking contradiction, preaching to others what i believe in but i do not practice; a hypocrite. i want so badly to be this person that knows how to take care of himself, that knows the right from wrong and does whatever is right. i keep writing and i keep telling myself, u have to go take charge of ur life, but doubt has gotten the better of me. how am i supposed to take charge when my life is a mess?

sitting here, as i bite my lip to fight back the tears, i'm wishing that i could skip all this drama that i create for myself and just be normal, but i know i cant. i'm sick in that way, my mind keeps dwelling on the negative and it wont let me go and live my life in peace. my body is like a cage for my soul, and my mind is feeding it poison. how am i supposed to escape from life, but more importantly how am i supposed to escape from myself?

it's times like these i wish i could bury myself in someone's arms and feel, even if it's a mere second, that everything is okay. am i lonely? yes. i'm very lonely, dating Hong doesnt make me feel better because i know that i have to start everything over again, the getting to know him, the sex (i havent had sex with him yet), the first fight, etc. plus with his job, i hardly get to see him and now it doesnt even feel like we're dating.

i just want to hold someone while i'm sleeping, know that when i come home, i'm coming home to someone whom i love so much it hurts. i guess right now i have to settle for my pillow...

Arabic Dance

Moonlight audaciously dancing on the dyed edge of the window
The smokes magically illustrate every visual sense
Give me one more cup of that ancient mysterious Ganges water
The cat's eye that i hemmed on my forehead uncovered the festival

The joints that have been imprisoned for thousands of years due to the cause of love
It is telling the love stories that have been forgotten
Listen to all the joy and misery
They are all tied to my waist
Let those pictures appear again
Let us go back into the past

Spinning
Jumping
I close my eyes
I won't see the uproars
Are you immerged in the past yet?

White snow
Summer Nights
I won't stop and rest
Blurring the years and ages

Stories have been depicted into the spinning finger tips
Who is it?
Who is following me idiotically?
This night, on the steps leading to the old palace
I let myself go as sweat drips from my face
Those sweats lightened up the festival

The sweats encloses me tightly layer after another
I am going to let this world forget to sleep
Your worries reflected inbetween my eyebrows
The pleasure that you have given has all come true

The bliss and sorrow is all writing in my eyes
Let them appear again, let us head into the past

The sandglass of time has been scrunched to pieces by me
No one has seen the happiness and sadness of a dancing prince

One Night In Liquid

just got back from a great night a-gain! i finally realized that i still have market value out there in the vicious gay circle. woo hoo! not only that, i am dating a really great guy, someone who is stable and so much more level headed that i am, and that's what i need in my life; stability. he's fantastic, he smells like...water, i know this coz i was sniffing his neck the entire time i was at Liquid. well anyways before i head on, let me retrace my steps.

at first i met up with my friends at 65, my local watering hole which i sometimes work at when there's not enough staff. it was okay until one of my friends punched me in my stomach playfully, i detest people playfully punching me, especially when i just ate. so i tried not to let that get into me and i just continued on with the night. i was supposed to meet a friend who came down from singapore who is going out with a guy i used to date (but now we're friends). they were busy consumating their love for each other and decided to flake on me. another thing which i loathe with a passion; people who make plans with u and do not even bother to call or msg to tell u that they're not going. that really pissed me off since i was already there and they first told me they were too tired and then asked me to pick them up.

anyways lets put that anger into a bubble and blow it away. the guy i'm currently dating now was showing no signs what-so-ever that he was interested at first, so that kinda made me upset as well, until he grabbed my hand and held it really tightly. everything seemed to melt away and i felt...well hard to be precise. and then i realized something, i dont usually get hard when i hold hands with someone, only my exes and that's when it hit me, i really really really like this guy. so i tried to analyze him, seeing what his body language was like, how he reacts to my arm brushing against his and everything. i think he's not very open towards public affection and he was making an effort to keep it inside, coz he pecked my cheek at first. then our lips touched and i just felt for that mere nano-second that nothing really mattered and i was floating on air.

well the night passed by so fast, we left Liquid to rejoin my family of friends at 65 and had a drink at the local coffeeshop nearby, recapping the whole night to them and them to us. we had a laugh making jokes about each other and stuff and just thinking about tonight i just gotta say that i had loads of fun tonight.

ahh the rain is slowly falling hitting the ground...it is a fantastic time to lie my head on my pillow and hold on to my favourite pillow tightly and drift happily into my dream land. a great ending to a fabulous day....

My First Dance Performance

oh golly, tonight was such a crazy night. i went to 65 early and we had to try on the make up to see whether it suited our dance that i choreographed. yes i'm an amateur choreographer, and to be honest i'm quite good! so anyways it was a couple of hours before we had to perform and the three of us were rehearsing the entire routine when JoJo came up to us and said we had to be backup dancers for her show. i had an hour to think of a couple of moves for all of us to dance along to and i only managed to come up with 5 which all of us could follow. feeling the pressure building up on me just 2 hours before the whole thing started, my jitters started acting up. i started panicking and started barking orders at everyone, i admit i snapped...quite a bit at people as well. the makeup was done by me and a couple of others. actually i wanted it simple, ghostly to be precise. with liquid foundation on the lips, eye liner and the little red flower on the forehead but people started piling into the toilet and added more and more stuff on our faces, this is the first ever that i had make up on my face and trust me, i think it's gonna be the last.

nervousness has gotten the better of me and i felt really pressured, everyone seemed to be relying on me to dance the best, have the best make up, have the right moves and not screw up since i came up with the whole idea myself, i really really couldnt control it. just right when we were about to start the show, my dancer asked me where he was supposed to stand. i totally gave it to him and i was shouting at him and stuff, i knew i shouldnt and i felt really bad later. anyways after the dance we had to go back in to check the make up since we were sweating like pigs, i honestly (even up to now) can not remember if i made the right moves. then straight after we checked our make up we (me, dicholas, ah hong and chris) had to go out and perform for JoJo's solo as well which was a disaster because one of my friends who was supposed to be in the dance had a door slammed in his face, by me. i didnt mean to and i honestly didnt even know so we all went out and started dancing.

during the middle of it he couldnt stand it anymore, he was feeling dizzy and he cut his lip from the swinging door so he dropped out and then there was three of us. after the whole show i ran back to the toilet area where we had our make up done and i checked on chris, his lip was cut badly and he was feeling faint. me and dicholas quickly removed his make up and then removed ours since we were dripping with sweat and trust me, it wasnt exactly a sight to see. we then had to go out to be thanked by one of the staff from 65, with chris sitting inside the toilet area, i felt really uneasy. so after the whole thing, i ran to my car and changed and ran back to check on him. on my way back i found out that he wasnt at the toilet area so i went back outside to see him sitting in the dicholas' car looking like he was about to pass out.

i was hovering over chris when all the commotion started happening, dicholas threw a tantrum and started yelling at people and chris' best friend Daniel couldnt stand it and started yelling back at him and dicholas got into the car with chris in it and sped off. i didnt get the whole gist of it but i didnt know what to do so i went back inside and started helping out. i came back out to see daniel sobbing and telling us how much he cared for chris and how dicholas is an asshole. there was a few of us which comforted him and sent him on his way. i went back inside the bar only to be greeted by people who told me the show was fantastic and people seem to be asking me if i felt really nervous and excited. i dont know why, but when i asked them if i missed a step, they wouldnt tell me so i'm waiting for the guy who recorded everything to burn a DVD for me to watch it over.

so the whole night was...hectic and to an extent, a disaster. i just hoped the audience enjoyed the dance routine and i'm praying when i get the dvd, that i didnt miss any moves.

Show @ 65 on the 21st of September!!!

hey guys, there'll be a party on the 21st of September located at 65, there'll be a couple of performances that will be shown throughout the night such as dance performances lead by me and a couple of other people, powerhouse singers releasing their string of pop music, etc!

it is from 8PM to 10PM and everyone who comes will get a free complimentary drink.

65 is located @ 65, Jalan Jejaka 2, Taman Maluri
Landmarks: Behind Jusco in Cheras, Near PizzaHut

Any enquires please dont hesitate to call me @ 0123241759

See you guys soon!

My First Day @ 65

last night was my first day of work at 65. it was so tiring but i managed to get everything in order and sales was very very very good considering it's a tuesday night! i must admit i'm a pretty good waiter when it comes to bars and stuff and with my good social skills convince them to drink more! hahaha i'm good like that. but i did meet some really snobby people, one of which thinks he's pretty classy but is cheap as hell, who the hell takes 2 cents from his change? anyways aside from that the night went pretty well, a solid effort from 6PM to 2AM.

so anyways, something weird happened last night. i sort of have this thing going on with this guy called Allen, dont get me wrong, he's just interested in me and has been flirting and giving me the signals and stuff and i havent exactly been reciprocating much to give him hints that i'm not really interested but i'd like to be his friend. it was his birthday party last night and alot of his friends showed up, only a few of which i knew. this guy called Gan showed up whom i think is super cute (i love his eyes) with his friend called Tyios and i said hello and served their party table of 20 throughout the evening.

funnily enough, despite meeting Tyios for 3 times, he hung out with me and started talking alot to me. i didnt exactly find this weird coz he's a friendly guy. so during my little breaks inbetween work, he came over and chatted with me, telling me he's interested in one of my friends called Jimmy and blah blah blah blah blah. so it's almost the end of the night and Tyios is drunk and so is Allen. Allen gave me alot of signals throughout the night as well.

anyways back to the end of the night, tyios asked me privately whether i could send him back home after work, i was so tired but being the nice and helpful me, i said yes. after work we all went for a drink at a nearby mamak and just basically started talking; there was a whole bunch of us including drunk Allen and alot of his other friends. his friends knew that allen was interested in me and sat me right next to him. it was getting late and it was time to get back home (3.30AM) and i told Dicholas that i'm sending Tyios back home. he told me to becareful coz he's sensing something in Tyios that tells him he's interested in me, i told him to fuck off coz it aint gonna happen.

i'm in the car driving and tyios was sitting on the passenger seat, and...yeah Dicholas was right. Tyios did try to hit on me, he asked about my relationship with allen, my exes, my crushes, my type, etc etc. not only that, he was on his full-on mode as he placed his hand on my thigh while talking to me. i didnt say a thing at first but when he slid his hand up to my crotch area i told him to knock it off and i picked up and placed his hand back on his thigh. he was persistent cause after 10 minutes he did the exact same thing. i told him that i'm really shy and i dont think he should do these sort of things. so i reached his house and expected him to rush out feeling embarrassed, but he just sat there flirting with me. i gathered up the courage to say it's getting late and i should get back home and he caught the drift and left.

i really dont understand, how can friends do this to each other. he's been friends with Allen for about a year and he knows that Allen is interested in me but he does this behind his back. anyways, i prefer not to stick my head into these little troubles.

i should get an award for this. i havent had sex for almost 3 months and this cute 18 year old boy throws himself at me and i didnt take advantage of the situation. -_-; i really should be awarded...

Emission Implausible

Congratulate me! this is my 100th diary entry! free pen(his) and pen(hers) for everyone!

waiting for love is such a drag. i've been single for at least half a year now and it hasnt exactly been smooth sailing. the guys whom are interested in me, i have no interests in and the guys whom i am interested in have no interest in me. i dont think i'm setting a benchmark for my partner, all i'm asking for is someone who i can share my dreams, my passions, my hopes, my failures, my depressions with, just someone who i can rely on at times of happiness and trouble. is that asking too much?

i've been meeting alot of people lately, going out on dates and doing alittle bit of PR work for this bar i go to frequently and i have met some potentials; one of which i met recently and i can imagine myself holding onto him and sniffing his neck while he's sleeping. and funnily enough he's around my age! i could talk to him for hours and stare into his dreamy eyes, at his milky white face, his sexy lips but unfortunately he's into older men. to be totally honest i havent been acting like myself lately, i know i'm matured in my thinking but my actions prove differently, so i've been trying to lead this guy into thinking i'm alot more matured than he thinks i am. i dont think age should play a particular factor when looking for a suitable mate, i'm not ageist and i think most people shouldnt be. sigh...anyways his name is Douglas and i want so much to just lock on to those chewable lips and never let go. i dont know what to do, i just cant stop thinking about him. when i'm sitting there at 65 talking to a guy whom i know has the hots for me, i wonder what he's doing and is he thinking about me as well. i should slap myself silly for being such a highschool girl but i just cant help myself.

can i win him over with my charisma? can i sweet talk him into thinking about me night and day? can i make him feel the same way i feel for him? these questions would remain unanswered for now, i'm hoping that in the next few weeks i would be able to find the answer i'm looking for.

so in the meantime i sit at the bar and wait...listening to Wang Lee Homs and Mariah Careys sing their favourite songs...waiting for the next time i could meet him again.

Crying Out In Desperation

i am officially becoming a monk. i havent had proper sex in a couple of months and it's driving me nuts. what i mean by proper sex is not just pure lust and humping like jack rabbits, it's the connection between two people and the intimacy that's channeled back and forth between them. i need someone to stimulate not only my body, but my mind as well. so right, i'm so horny i could hump a tree. i'm not being self centred here but if i wanted just sex, i could just grab any guy that i know who is attracted to me and just pump it in the boudoir, but i cant use them like that. they want something from me which i am not able to give them: a stable relationship. dont get me wrong, i'm not saying that i cant give them stability, it's just that...i'm carrying alot of excess baggage and it's not fair for me to unload it onto them.

anyways sex lead me to ponder over some things. why do we always label people who have promiscuous sex and enjoy it as sluts or horny bastards? it's in our nature to enjoy sex and come on, let's face it; we're men. we usually think with our penises instead of our heads. we shouldnt be so negative about enjoying the practice of (safe) sex. we can see this in the animal kingdom where they hump every humping season. sometimes i wish i was an animal, all i need to worry about is when my next meal is and who to have sex with.

anyways, i think i went off tangent there. so i'm sitting here, crying silently in desperation, wondering when the next good sex in my life would come. if not, i can always turn to celibacy or start practicing the art of tantra.

Spontaneity

just got back home from a very great night. it was indeed a fabulous night and spontaneity does pay off. let me recapped what happened...

at first, i felt so tired (as u would probably know from my earlier diary entry), and was grouchy as hell. i drove all the way to 65 and i was the first few to reach the karaoke pub which i frequent. sitting there alone with the staff i was smsing this guy called julian. i dont know why but i didnt exactly get a good vibe from him, especially when he kept on sending his photos and told me about his exes (apparently his latest of his two exes passed away in a car accident). i dont know...i just got a warning from my friend who apparently knows him saying that he likes to find out ur particulars and if u're loaded, he'll stick on to u like glue.

so i didnt give him much response and then Dicholas came and asked me to join him for dinner. two of his friends from SG were down and we went to join them at this chinese restaurant just outside of 65. i didnt really felt like stuffing my face infront of strangers so i just sat there and cracked a few jokes and talked a bit. after dinner Chris arrived with his friend from SG and we went back into 65. at that time there were a few patrons inside and that's when things got interesting. we sat down and William and i shot a few games of pool, and i won a free drink from him. such a sweetie pie. he honoured out little bet and did buy me a drink.

accustomed to being labeled as a social butterfly, i went around talking to people whom i knew. using my PR skills (as if i had any) i just started making conversation to whomever looked bored. yeah so i basically fluttered around. and that's when i needed a break so i stepped outside for a minute. that's when Kenny came and started doing his Paris Hilton bit, funny bloke. and Desmond from SG also came down and i saw him walking towards 65 and had a chat with him just to catch up on things. that's when it was time to head down to the local gay club, Liquid (LQ).

LQ was incredibly fun. William & Anthony bought a bottle and using my contact(s), i managed to smuggle Chris and Ken in. we went upstairs to the disco and planted our bottoms at the bar. so knowing very well i cant drink much, i managed to get Anthony drunk and William...i think high. so yeah and the bunch from 65 also came down to LQ and we basically just started hanging out with each other. there were these two brats making out with each other at the corner of the bar right next to us so me being me, i got up and started snogging Allen, this guy i got to know from 65. i dont know how i manage to get myself into these sorta messy situations but we ended up on the middle podium dancing and snogging each other.

awkward moment alert: the staff and allen's friends are very close. so they were giving me the i-know-what's-going-on-between-both-of-u look and things just got weird. plus allen...i'm sorry to say is just not my cup of tea judging from the way he kisses. so anyways there were people who were hungry so the whole lot of us went to the nearest mamak to eat and have a drink. i was walking inside and there was a table with these four guys, one of them was wearing a red shirt over a black tank top/t-shirt i think. he was kinda cute and i was sorta checking him out but he caught me a few times so i just shyed away.

ALERT: if u're the cute guy wearing the red shirt and u're reading this, drop me a msg!!!

so yeah after that we all left and i had to send chris and ken back to the hotel, but we ended up going to what we call "Motherland" where we met Tyios and Gan there. it was fun talking to them and i could sorta sense that Gan was giving me a vibe...call me self centred but i think he was checking me out. i thought he was kinda cute as well. it's just way too bad that he and allen are good friends and....i know allen likes me alot but i just cant; i need someone alot more....manlier (catch my drift?). anyways it was about time to send them back to hotel and get back home to Mr. Q, so i was about to ask Gan for his number when the conversation got shifted and it was back to the topic of me and allen again. i really dont know how i get myself into these spiderwebs....

so all in all it was a fantastic night, it's one of those nights where u would remember it even after a few years and say, that was a fabulous night....

Mental/Physical Exhaustion

i'm sitting here with bloodshot eyes and feel like the whole world is literally on my shoulders. i feel like i could sleep forever and just wait for my prince in a t-shirt and jeans who rides a white Proton Gen-2 to come kiss me.

sorry for the blabbering, i'm really tired and i'm supposed to head out in about half an hour so i'm fully dressed, sitting here and wanting to drift off to sleep but i know if i do, i wouldnt be able to wake up until after midnight and i'll get screwed over by my friends.

these past few days have been interesting, meeting new people and getting to know them and everything. that's the thing about me, i tend to lose interest after seeing the way they act. i tend to over observe when it comes to dating and people whom i'm interested in. so what am i looking for? a wise philosopher once said that we search for compatibility, for someone who we want to be and has the characteristics and qualities that we wish we had. but that the thing, if i dont know who or what i want to become, how am i supposed to find a compatible lover? i sit here from time to time pouring my heart and my soul and my thoughts into this database which i dont even know exists when i should be searching for myself.

for those people who are attracted to me, why? why are they attracted to me? is it because they want to become me? is it because i hold characteristics and qualities that they wish they had? but that's the thing, this personality which i have is easy to duplicate, it is not special. if u know me, u can probably spot my doppelganger running around somewhere in KL. i really can not see what people see in me. i really dont understand why when i tell people not to fall in love with me, they do. i'm not blowing smoke up my own ass, it's just true.

i know i cant see the 'special' part of me who can touch people's lives like that or who can attract man, woman, dog and gerbils but i wish i could. i really wish i could see it...