Lonely Christmas

it's time, i'm giving up the whole "i'm single because i want to be" facade. it's awfully depressing when u have no one by your side during the holidays, especially during holidays that stress on the fact that people in love are alot happier than the people who are single and ready to mingle. yes, for those of u out there who have someone by your side, cherish it.

i'm lonely. it's good to have good friends by ur side and family who loves u and stuff, but there's a part of me that's missing. i cant really explain how the feeling is, it's like everyone out there is having fun and enjoying their lives and they're with people. i feel like i'm stuck in one place, stagnant through time. i feel like i havent progressed at all, relationship-wise. i try and tell myself and other people that i'm fine being single, it's alot better than having a ball and chain tied to ur foot but in reality i'm breaking down inside, bit by bit.

christmas hasnt exactly been the best for me. i've always spent christmas alone. while my family is heading off to dream land at night, i lie awake at 4am without any friends by my side wishing i could be with someone, even if it's not a partner or boyfriend or whatever, then at least some friends. i dont really understand how people view me, they hold on to the belief that i have many many friends when i dont, i tell them i dont and they wouldnt believe me. yes i do know a lot of people but that's because of my job but actually sitting down with a friend and pour my heart and soul into our conversations is something i long for. i let my guard down yesterday and my friends just thought i was in a bad mood; i so want to tell them "no i'm not in a bad mood, i'm just depressed" but i know the feedback that i'll get from them. "life's too short to be depressed", "you're young! what's the point in being depressed?", "how can u be depressed? u're supposed to be happy and enjoying life!", etc etc. this is basically why i stop showing the ugly side of me, because people dont want to listen to me. they have this idea of what i'm supposed to be; happy, bubbly, fun, playful, immature, whatever. sometimes i think to myself that no one really knows me and that's because they dont bother to know me. people see what they want to see. no one wants to be around a depressed party pooper all the time, so i form this guard, this almost picture perfect of what they think i should be and i suffer in silence.

so what to do? complaining isnt going to solve any of my problems so right now i'm going guy hunting. i need a lover, i need to be in love, i need to feel like i'm being loved, i need someone whom i can hold on to when i'm scared, i need someone whom i can talk to about my feelings and my future and anything under the sun, i need someone whom i can watch fireworks with during festive seasons, kiss at the stroke of midnight during New Years Eve, wake up to and snuggle with during rainy mornings...i need a boyfriend.

Recent Happenings of Ethan Lim

so this is an update of my life, just in a nutshell. i have been working, going for meetings with my boss to hopefully get promoted to assistant manager of 65, seems like everything is going according to plan. i'm writing proposals and helping out in organizing the christmas event that is coming up.

recently i'm getting harrassed by dirty old men who seem to think that my colleagues and i are toys who they can touch and hold, etc. i'm sorry if a colleague of mine presents that he's a slut to everyone but i have my principles and my morals and work ethics so no touching or copping a feel when i'm working. firstly it's annoying when u're busy mixing drinks or writing down orders and this dirty old man with glasses asks u to come over to cop a feel. geez i dont care whether u opened a bottle of J.D. or whatever, i am not someone u can harrass.

the other day i was working as well and this drunked idiot kepted on calling me to sit with him and talk to him. so i spoke to him alittle bit and went back to my job. i was playing this dice game with one of the regulars and he came along and wanted to join and he was making a big fuss and everything so i stopped the game when he broke one of the lolipops into pieces. as i was picking the pieces up and throwing them into the garbage he grabbed a piece and sticked it in his mouth and then took it out and held it out for me. i was completely disgusted and told him i dont eat candy and finished what i started. i was behind the bar clearing stuff and i see him coming in and holding out the same piece of candy which he stuck in his mouth and took out and he was glaring at me. i forced him out and closed the small swinging door so he wouldnt come in again.

i continued to play the dice game with my friend and the regulars from behind the bar when he came again to annoy the shit out of us. he even whacked my friend in the head. so we stopped again and i went to clear some stuff and he came after me again, this time asking what time i get off work and he's going to wait for me. then he started to repeat his questions like why wont u take my candy, and do u think i will hurt u? he started grabbing on my hands and trying to force me out of the pub, i swear i was panicking and tried to break free of his grasp and get away as fast as i can. luckily Sam came and tried to help me out but seeing that he couldnt pry his hands away from my arm he called for Eric (my boss) to help out. i was able to break free once eric came to my rescue and i hid behind the bar and locked the door in case he came back.

i must say and i stress this, i am not a plaything. i am not someone who anyone can just harrass and think they can get away with it. karma's a bitch and it will come back threefold so these people will definitely get what's coming to them.