As the wheels of time churns, we get older by the day but any wiser? I would like to think that I'm wiser through experience.
In a couple of days it would be 2010. What is my resolution for the New Year? I believe that New Year's resolutions are setting oneself for failure. Not very many achieve their goals within the year and to those who have, Congratulations!
Before the year ends, I would like to resolve a few issues on my mind by writing.
Perhaps I'm a hypocrite for saying this but I feel like I need to get this out of my system. Couples are annoying. I would like to think that friends that are in relationships are complementary to each other but to lose sense of self is a bit depressing. I am genuinely happy for them, and I wish for all the best to them, but certain events that have passed led me to think that perhaps friends are of lesser importance when it comes to relationships.
It has come to my attention that I was like that with my ex, but it has also been brought to my attention that I behaved better towards my friends when I was with him. I did not see my friends as often as before I got together with my ex but they understood and I will as well.
I think I'm upset because despite the fact that I was in a relationship before, I stuck to my guns and did try to meet up with the rest of them in different occasions. I would never set up a meeting and in the end, blowing them off for some poor excuse. Not to mention, them bringing along their partners and making me feel like a third wheeler.
Thinking this whole issue through, I would like to just write it off as me being jealous. Of them having someone they can spend their days with and me...well lets not get into that. T'is, after all, the season to be bitter and depressed.
I do hope that this feeling goes away though. Perhaps a change of scenery and mentalities would do the trick.
But am I bothered by this?
You bet your ass I am.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Leave No Impressions
I was at the gym the other day trying to get my routine back on track and I was using the free weights when I saw this guy (probably average sized to lean) watching me lift weights. I must admit, I'm rusty and I don't like lifting weights which is why I would make almost any excuse not to do it but watching my weight fluctuate into a number which I'm terrified of, I'm trying my best not to make anymore excuses and just to hit it.
So here I was, lifting the 35s at an angle of 45 degrees and blasting music through my SkullCandys when I catch this guy looking at me. And it was not the cruising sort of look, it was more like sizing me up. After I was done with my set, I took a drink from my water bottle and through my peripheral vision, I could almost see and sense of smugness from him as he was lifting the 37.5s with ease. I smiled to myself and continued working out.
Ego has existed since the dawn of mankind. I believe there are two types of ego, one of which fuels your desire to achieve your dream and the other being the self-destructive "I'm-better-than-you-so-you-can-watch-me-be-better-than-you" ego.
This form of egoism borders upon narcissism and my theory is that it hides a deeper insecurity. It almost seems like one has to over-compensate in a particular attribute in order to shadow one's flaws. Why do I state that it's self-destructive? Most probably because that feeling of insecurity grows and festers within oneself which causes one to loathe that insecurity and perhaps anything that has resemblance to it.
As far as I am aware of, I believe quite a few men have this. I also believe that women have this too, and I think it is only adamant when dealing with their own sex. Honestly, I think it's quite an un-attractive personality trait. Showing-off and making someone feel bad for being a have-not is the ugliest trait anyone could ever have and I believe this encourages the separation and distinguishing of classes.
All I can say to anyone who has this trait is, "Sorry, that really does not impress me". :P
So here I was, lifting the 35s at an angle of 45 degrees and blasting music through my SkullCandys when I catch this guy looking at me. And it was not the cruising sort of look, it was more like sizing me up. After I was done with my set, I took a drink from my water bottle and through my peripheral vision, I could almost see and sense of smugness from him as he was lifting the 37.5s with ease. I smiled to myself and continued working out.
Ego has existed since the dawn of mankind. I believe there are two types of ego, one of which fuels your desire to achieve your dream and the other being the self-destructive "I'm-better-than-you-so-you-can-watch-me-be-better-than-you" ego.
This form of egoism borders upon narcissism and my theory is that it hides a deeper insecurity. It almost seems like one has to over-compensate in a particular attribute in order to shadow one's flaws. Why do I state that it's self-destructive? Most probably because that feeling of insecurity grows and festers within oneself which causes one to loathe that insecurity and perhaps anything that has resemblance to it.
As far as I am aware of, I believe quite a few men have this. I also believe that women have this too, and I think it is only adamant when dealing with their own sex. Honestly, I think it's quite an un-attractive personality trait. Showing-off and making someone feel bad for being a have-not is the ugliest trait anyone could ever have and I believe this encourages the separation and distinguishing of classes.
All I can say to anyone who has this trait is, "Sorry, that really does not impress me". :P
Friday, October 30, 2009
Family Guise
It's been a while since I last blogged. Since I face the computer 8+ hours a day and 7 days a week, I don't have much energy to type anything anymore.
I was stumbling across a blog when I realized that I haven't written anything for myself in a very long time. And I should. Writing keeps me sane and I feel like I'm going insane from all the stress at work and the people in it.
Anyway, I just had a conversation with my mother about my 14 year old cousin. A couple of nights ago, my mother received news that my cousin had turned into a "bad apple". She had skived school, took a cab and went to a shopping mall with a bunch of boys who were a lot older than her who apparently were loan sharks.
My mother labeled her off as being playful and rebellious and told me that she should be put in a boarding school.
I on the other hand disagreed. Since my cousin was in her teenage years, plus her parents are divorced, her mother works more than 58 hours a week and she does not talk to her father, I believe she had felt like she lost control of life. I believe that every girl whether she's 50 or 15 has an insecure side to her. And the fact that she hates her father because he's controlling and left her to live with her mother doesn't help.
I thought my mother's solution to the problem was not a solution at all. I didn't think it addressed the problem at all. My solution offered was to try to be-friend her, and to speak to her as if she was an adult. She has choices, and she needs to know that she can make decisions but informed ones. I think Generation I-Deserve (which refers to my generation and the younger ones) are a lot smarter than we give credit for which is why speaking to her as an adult, I believe is a good way to appeal to her mentality.
Mother then challenged me, and told me to put my money where my mouth is and try to reach out to her. I said that relationships and friendships have to be organic. It cannot be forced and in a situation like this, it would make things worse with my cousin.
Mother listened and rolled her eyes when I argued my case and she told me that I was full of shit.
I told her to stuff it.
I was stumbling across a blog when I realized that I haven't written anything for myself in a very long time. And I should. Writing keeps me sane and I feel like I'm going insane from all the stress at work and the people in it.
Anyway, I just had a conversation with my mother about my 14 year old cousin. A couple of nights ago, my mother received news that my cousin had turned into a "bad apple". She had skived school, took a cab and went to a shopping mall with a bunch of boys who were a lot older than her who apparently were loan sharks.
My mother labeled her off as being playful and rebellious and told me that she should be put in a boarding school.
I on the other hand disagreed. Since my cousin was in her teenage years, plus her parents are divorced, her mother works more than 58 hours a week and she does not talk to her father, I believe she had felt like she lost control of life. I believe that every girl whether she's 50 or 15 has an insecure side to her. And the fact that she hates her father because he's controlling and left her to live with her mother doesn't help.
I thought my mother's solution to the problem was not a solution at all. I didn't think it addressed the problem at all. My solution offered was to try to be-friend her, and to speak to her as if she was an adult. She has choices, and she needs to know that she can make decisions but informed ones. I think Generation I-Deserve (which refers to my generation and the younger ones) are a lot smarter than we give credit for which is why speaking to her as an adult, I believe is a good way to appeal to her mentality.
Mother then challenged me, and told me to put my money where my mouth is and try to reach out to her. I said that relationships and friendships have to be organic. It cannot be forced and in a situation like this, it would make things worse with my cousin.
Mother listened and rolled her eyes when I argued my case and she told me that I was full of shit.
I told her to stuff it.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Pepper
My dog, Pepper, got hit by a car 2 weeks ago, under the care of my ex. I only got to find out yesterday.
When he told me, I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. The only thing going in my head was why didn't he tell me earlier?
I wanted to blame him for Pepper's death. If I had taken care of our dog, she would still be alive. But I know it's not his fault.
Pepper is buried somewhere in Cheras. I want to see her so badly. Maybe just hug her one last time, scratch her ears, or just play catch with her.
I miss her so much. And I know she loved me back. I just wish I could say goodbye.
When he told me, I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. The only thing going in my head was why didn't he tell me earlier?
I wanted to blame him for Pepper's death. If I had taken care of our dog, she would still be alive. But I know it's not his fault.
Pepper is buried somewhere in Cheras. I want to see her so badly. Maybe just hug her one last time, scratch her ears, or just play catch with her.
I miss her so much. And I know she loved me back. I just wish I could say goodbye.
Friday, July 10, 2009
If I Could
Some people say this with force.
Some people say this with humour.
But I say this with sincerity.
A few months ago, a couple of friends and I sat down and enjoyed our mixed cocktails of beer and whiskey when a question suddenly popped up which stunned everyone into a couple of minutes of silence.
The question was, "What do you think your purpose in life is?"
As we went around the table, answering perhaps the most illogical and unexplainable question, I sat there quietly and wondered how was I going to put my feelings into words. I heard answers which amused and interested me, such as "being put into this life to make people laugh" or "I believe I was born in this life to go through karma which I had collected over the lifetimes".
When my turn came, I could not put my feelings into actual sentences. But I tried.
As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like this is my purpose. I was given a life that some people would kill to have. Maybe it is middle-class guilt, the fact that I was lucky to be born into this life but I am also given the chance to grow up and help people in whichever unselfish way I can.
Whenever I register an asylum seeker at my workplace, I feel better.
Whenever I meet someone who cannot afford to pay their rent, their food nor provide for their family and I refer them to someone who can provide them with financial assistance, I feel better.
Whenever I go against the system and vouch for asylum seekers to get registered, I feel better.
To think that in life, I am given the opportunity to do so. I believe that anyone could make a difference; even the smallest would contribute to a considerable amount.
Now if you could make a difference, what would you do?
Or perhaps I should ask, what do you think your purpose in life is?
Some people say this with humour.
But I say this with sincerity.
A few months ago, a couple of friends and I sat down and enjoyed our mixed cocktails of beer and whiskey when a question suddenly popped up which stunned everyone into a couple of minutes of silence.
The question was, "What do you think your purpose in life is?"
As we went around the table, answering perhaps the most illogical and unexplainable question, I sat there quietly and wondered how was I going to put my feelings into words. I heard answers which amused and interested me, such as "being put into this life to make people laugh" or "I believe I was born in this life to go through karma which I had collected over the lifetimes".
When my turn came, I could not put my feelings into actual sentences. But I tried.
I felt like my purpose in this life is to make a change for the better. With the utmost sincerity, I hope I could make a large difference in people's lives.
As cheesy as it sounds, I feel like this is my purpose. I was given a life that some people would kill to have. Maybe it is middle-class guilt, the fact that I was lucky to be born into this life but I am also given the chance to grow up and help people in whichever unselfish way I can.
Whenever I register an asylum seeker at my workplace, I feel better.
Whenever I meet someone who cannot afford to pay their rent, their food nor provide for their family and I refer them to someone who can provide them with financial assistance, I feel better.
Whenever I go against the system and vouch for asylum seekers to get registered, I feel better.
To think that in life, I am given the opportunity to do so. I believe that anyone could make a difference; even the smallest would contribute to a considerable amount.
Now if you could make a difference, what would you do?
Or perhaps I should ask, what do you think your purpose in life is?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Mad About Food
Malaysia.
A city that never sleeps.
Filled with restaurants, each one better than the next, some might call Malaysia the food heaven. Dieters call it hell.
Well, there's one particular restaurant that has caught my attention and I've been dying to try; Mad About Pizza. Although I'm disgusted by the thought of global chain conglomerate restaurants such as Pizza Hut, I love myself a good big cheesy pizza.
This quaint restaurant located in Kota Damansara (the square of shop lots near Ikea/Ikano/The Curve) looks amazing. Their Menu on their website makes me salivate and dream about a big pan of Mushroom Feast. Mmmm!
You can visit their website at http://madaboutpizza.com.my
Another restaurant that I have my eyes set on trying is the churrascaria restaurant called Bom Brazil. I'm a sucker for good buffets and with my Chinese blood boiling in me, buffets are "super value" when it's all meat. I fell in love with churrascaria restaurants after my trip to Singapore back in 2008. I went to a restaurant called Carnivore and as the name implies, I was masticating on plates of juicy meat. Yum yum.
Oh. The thought of good food right now is almost unbearable. I must feed on something...
Or someone.
Disclaimer: I'm not being paid for writing about these restaurants (although I should *hint to future restaurant owners who want a little bit of online advertising but is too cheap to pay for an ad on the online newspaper so you invite bloggers to eat in your restaurant for a cheap price so they would blog and rave about it and you get a deal on advertising with minimal expenses). These little reviews are the rantings and cravings of a Polarbear. End Disclaimer.
A city that never sleeps.
Filled with restaurants, each one better than the next, some might call Malaysia the food heaven. Dieters call it hell.
Well, there's one particular restaurant that has caught my attention and I've been dying to try; Mad About Pizza. Although I'm disgusted by the thought of global chain conglomerate restaurants such as Pizza Hut, I love myself a good big cheesy pizza.
This quaint restaurant located in Kota Damansara (the square of shop lots near Ikea/Ikano/The Curve) looks amazing. Their Menu on their website makes me salivate and dream about a big pan of Mushroom Feast. Mmmm!
You can visit their website at http://madaboutpizza.com.my
Another restaurant that I have my eyes set on trying is the churrascaria restaurant called Bom Brazil. I'm a sucker for good buffets and with my Chinese blood boiling in me, buffets are "super value" when it's all meat. I fell in love with churrascaria restaurants after my trip to Singapore back in 2008. I went to a restaurant called Carnivore and as the name implies, I was masticating on plates of juicy meat. Yum yum.
Oh. The thought of good food right now is almost unbearable. I must feed on something...
Or someone.
Disclaimer: I'm not being paid for writing about these restaurants (although I should *hint to future restaurant owners who want a little bit of online advertising but is too cheap to pay for an ad on the online newspaper so you invite bloggers to eat in your restaurant for a cheap price so they would blog and rave about it and you get a deal on advertising with minimal expenses). These little reviews are the rantings and cravings of a Polarbear. End Disclaimer.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Fly High...Sky High!
Places that I have visited and would want to go again:
1) Taiwan
2) Thailand
3) Hong Kong
4) Shanghai/Shen Zhen
5) London
6) France
7) Indonesia
8) Singapore (hmm...then again...)
Place that I have visited and would never return (even if there's 1,000,000 dollars in it for me):
1) Cambodia (Scammers galore)
2) Prague (The most depressing country during winter)
3) Dubai (Nothing but sand in butt cracks)
4) Australia (Did someone mention racists?)
Places I would love to visit in the following couple of years:
1) Canada
2) Rome
3) Greece
4) South Korea
5) The rest of China
6) Portugal (I would love to meet my Figo)
7) Brazil
1) Taiwan
2) Thailand
3) Hong Kong
4) Shanghai/Shen Zhen
5) London
6) France
7) Indonesia
8) Singapore (hmm...then again...)
Place that I have visited and would never return (even if there's 1,000,000 dollars in it for me):
1) Cambodia (Scammers galore)
2) Prague (The most depressing country during winter)
3) Dubai (Nothing but sand in butt cracks)
4) Australia (Did someone mention racists?)
Places I would love to visit in the following couple of years:
1) Canada
2) Rome
3) Greece
4) South Korea
5) The rest of China
6) Portugal (I would love to meet my Figo)
7) Brazil
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
The Invisible Man
Another year.
Another break-up.
Is it even possible to maintain a monogamous relationship in this day and age?
I was in a serious relationship for 4 months, 2 of which I spent half drunk and half not bothered and the rest I spent sober with heated arguments. I used to think I loved this guy, but as the time ticked away, I could not see a future with him.
When I'm in a relationship, I would dream of a future with the man I'm with, an apartment in Damansara Heights, a bed together, a car which we can't afford because of our measly salaries, a wedding in Canada during autumn. At this point I need to remind you readers, that yes I do have a dick and a pair.
With Lester (not his real name), I could not see anything. Sometimes I would think to myself, why am I with him? Feelings for him are there, but I don't think I would go to the extent of calling it "love". Then I thought to myself, why should I spend time with a guy I don't love? Is it because I'm already used to his presence?
I needed time to figure out, so I did a one week trial where I hardly contacted him and analyzed our relationship from every angle possible. After what seemed like hell throughout the week of him trying to pick fights with me and me not communicating with him, I decided it was time to end things.
He decided to bring everything I left at his place back to me, which was initially my fault as I did tell him I wanted things to be black and white, my things are mine and his things are his. I am a guy like that, I like lines to be drawn.
I did hurt him.
And I'm not proud of it.
As I looked into his eyes, I could see that he was burnt by me. I could tell by the way that he told me he was now dating other men.
Is it possible, through all my experiences of dating men, through all the experiences of getting hurt, through all the tears I spent crying over lost loves, are channeled through my new dating persona?
Someone wise once told me that through experience comes growth. But growth in a horizontal way, or vertically? Good or bad? Halal or non-halal?
With all these dating experiences tucked away in my pocket, have I turned into a soulless being who cannot feel the hurt of other people? Am I that jaded?
All I can think of aren't the answers, but instead;
How cliche to analyze oneself after break-ups.
Another break-up.
Is it even possible to maintain a monogamous relationship in this day and age?
I was in a serious relationship for 4 months, 2 of which I spent half drunk and half not bothered and the rest I spent sober with heated arguments. I used to think I loved this guy, but as the time ticked away, I could not see a future with him.
When I'm in a relationship, I would dream of a future with the man I'm with, an apartment in Damansara Heights, a bed together, a car which we can't afford because of our measly salaries, a wedding in Canada during autumn. At this point I need to remind you readers, that yes I do have a dick and a pair.
With Lester (not his real name), I could not see anything. Sometimes I would think to myself, why am I with him? Feelings for him are there, but I don't think I would go to the extent of calling it "love". Then I thought to myself, why should I spend time with a guy I don't love? Is it because I'm already used to his presence?
I needed time to figure out, so I did a one week trial where I hardly contacted him and analyzed our relationship from every angle possible. After what seemed like hell throughout the week of him trying to pick fights with me and me not communicating with him, I decided it was time to end things.
He decided to bring everything I left at his place back to me, which was initially my fault as I did tell him I wanted things to be black and white, my things are mine and his things are his. I am a guy like that, I like lines to be drawn.
I did hurt him.
And I'm not proud of it.
As I looked into his eyes, I could see that he was burnt by me. I could tell by the way that he told me he was now dating other men.
Is it possible, through all my experiences of dating men, through all the experiences of getting hurt, through all the tears I spent crying over lost loves, are channeled through my new dating persona?
Someone wise once told me that through experience comes growth. But growth in a horizontal way, or vertically? Good or bad? Halal or non-halal?
With all these dating experiences tucked away in my pocket, have I turned into a soulless being who cannot feel the hurt of other people? Am I that jaded?
All I can think of aren't the answers, but instead;
How cliche to analyze oneself after break-ups.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I'm Not Dead...Yet.
It's been too long since my last posting and I've decided to give blogging another go.
Work with the UN is quite hectic and work never seem to end. But on a light note, surprisingly I got a letter from a refugee the other day with my name written on it. I almost never get snail mail and it was a pleasant surprise for me that day. The only catch is, I was not allowed to open it (in case it contained trace amounts of anthrax or unleash a new strain of herpes, etc), but still it was a little funny.
These past few months have been tiring. With less than a good ample 8 hours sleep a night, my eye bags have turned into humongous garbage bags. Trash anyone?
Ah right. I got a new tattoo as well. I'm quite sure a few people have seen it since I've been proudly parading it around with my sleeves rolled up in an awful fashion. It is fashion faux pas, but if you got it, flaunt it.
Things have been exciting these couple of days, with my ex-lecturer getting arrested under the Sedition (need I say stupid?) Act and groups having vigils and protests. I wish I had attended at least one, but being a silly gay boy, I went for my gym class instead.
I am also very proud of the Monash students for organizing the protest against WCH's arrest. Kudos to ML. I am upset at myself for not turning up for the event. Work is not an excuse, although it is mine.
The same day, during the Perak State Assembly, I could feel the electricity in the air as I was refreshing The Edge's website every 5 minutes to catch a good friend of mine posting updates live from Perak.
As I have not exactly been politically active these couple of months, I miss the adrenaline rush I used to get when going to protests and vigils; the air would suddenly turn cold when something was going to happen and you would not know what would happen until it hits you or when people start running. Bringing the "Protest Bag" consisting of small bags of salt, plastic bags, a towel and the Malaysian Flag.
Sigh.
The only consolence I have for myself is the thought that there is definitely more to come...
Work with the UN is quite hectic and work never seem to end. But on a light note, surprisingly I got a letter from a refugee the other day with my name written on it. I almost never get snail mail and it was a pleasant surprise for me that day. The only catch is, I was not allowed to open it (in case it contained trace amounts of anthrax or unleash a new strain of herpes, etc), but still it was a little funny.
These past few months have been tiring. With less than a good ample 8 hours sleep a night, my eye bags have turned into humongous garbage bags. Trash anyone?
Ah right. I got a new tattoo as well. I'm quite sure a few people have seen it since I've been proudly parading it around with my sleeves rolled up in an awful fashion. It is fashion faux pas, but if you got it, flaunt it.
Things have been exciting these couple of days, with my ex-lecturer getting arrested under the Sedition (need I say stupid?) Act and groups having vigils and protests. I wish I had attended at least one, but being a silly gay boy, I went for my gym class instead.
I am also very proud of the Monash students for organizing the protest against WCH's arrest. Kudos to ML. I am upset at myself for not turning up for the event. Work is not an excuse, although it is mine.
The same day, during the Perak State Assembly, I could feel the electricity in the air as I was refreshing The Edge's website every 5 minutes to catch a good friend of mine posting updates live from Perak.
As I have not exactly been politically active these couple of months, I miss the adrenaline rush I used to get when going to protests and vigils; the air would suddenly turn cold when something was going to happen and you would not know what would happen until it hits you or when people start running. Bringing the "Protest Bag" consisting of small bags of salt, plastic bags, a towel and the Malaysian Flag.
Sigh.
The only consolence I have for myself is the thought that there is definitely more to come...
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