Judging 3th@n

It's been a while since I last posted anything. Sorry to those who read my blog, I have been too lazy to even write.

I went to Marketplace tonight. I think I had...a good time there. Got a friend drunk and watched her throw up several times in the toilet and into ice buckets. Listened to friends chit chat about their love lives or what they expect out of their love lives. I was also a viewer to a show of two lovers who recently met and in my opinion, should get a room and shag all night instead of going out clubbing.

What really disturbed me tonight was not the fact that two guys were making out as if it was their last day together, but it was being told by friends that I had that look of someone who would not be faithful and hence, it would be difficult for me to even find someone to share my life with without having an open relationship. This fact was really hard to swallow and digest. As I tried to come into terms with it by consuming alcohol and cigarettes, a (very good looking) man sat down opposite me and started eyeing me. Aware of this fact, I tried to eye-flirt with him for a bit and then suddenly, to my distraught, another man sat down next to him and started making out with him and held his hand ever so dearly. It was his boyfriend.

Despite the fact that his boyfriend was sitting next to him and hugging so tight that his chest would explode, he was still looking at me and his body language was still inviting me to get to know him. This little event was just hard to experience; it was like a small window view of how my current life now was filled with men who havepartners and are unfaithful to them and want to bed me for a night or two. Lust at first sight. Nothing more than that.

This got me thinking in a very negative light; am I destined with the face I have to only experience bad relationships and partners who think I'm nothing more than a big cheat? Nothing more than one or two nights? I can't be imagining things if this is not the first comment and experience which I have.

How am I supposed to even sustain a relationship if I can't change the way I look?

These things may not ever be answered, but depression aside, I still want to be optimistic about finding the right person for myself.

I believe he's out there.

Perhaps far, perhaps near.

Just perhaps.