You Give Me Fever

spending the whole weekend in bed and not doing anything constructive is great. i'm down with a fever, the flu and my muscles (yes i do have some) ache. plus i have a major assignment which i havent really started yet and it's due tomorow. the migraine which has nestled itself in my head is going off like an alarm clock every 15 minutes.

that's the great thing about being sick, u're allowed to be lazy and u're not judged for it since there's a justification that u're sick so u should rest more. leave it to a professional BUM to give the world explanations such as these.

the other day i was ranting about this play called Screwed, let me bitch and moan about the ramifications of going to a play. firstly there are many gay guys there, those of whom are either checking me out or checking my boyfriend out, but mostly they're checking my boyfriend out and wondering why in the world is he with me. well there's a simple answer for that honey, cause i'm worth it.

so the other day i saw cheryl and she said she needed to speak to me so i pulled her aside and asked her what's up. she asked me whether i knew rachel, the girl who was in Screwed so i said yes i met her on sunday after the play.

then cheryl continued, "oh, cause rachel asked me whether u were gay so i said yes. and then she said someone was interested in you so she wanted to hook u guys up."

i was like...HUH? i was there with C and we were pretty much holding hands throughout the whole play, well we werent really holding hands but we were being touchy feely.

i wanted to know who it was rachel wanted to set me up with so i told cheryl not to tell her that i had a boyfriend and to ask her who it was. so a few days came to pass and cherly suddenly smsed me out of the blue and said:

"it's the professor guy in the play"

WHAT! i didnt even know he was gay, i just thought he was a good actor. but he looks awfully familiar and i cant exactly place my finger on where i've seen him before.

so there are bitchy artsy fartsy people who attend plays and theatre productions such as these, who actually think they're alot more cultured than most people when they're being sucked into this whole scheme of being a colonial slave. the worst of these are bitchy GAY artsy fartsy people who actually think they're better than anyone else and rather not talk to people who arent on the same "level" as themselves.

well it was a good experience though, i think i'm pretty cultured when it comes to my westernized malaysian heritage, i think i'm pretty westernized in that sense but to come to think of it, what is being asian? what is being western? what are Asian values? i think these terms are coined up by people who actually believe they're trying to separate themselves from society. to believe that u're bigger than the world is just opening urself up for attack.

it's funny cause Tengku Adnan, the malaysian miniter for tourism said "We have to show to the people our positive attitude. If the world learns from us, there will peace and no civil war."

this dude actually said this in response to the Indonesian blogger/tv journalist Nila Tanzil, who didnt exactly have many nice things to say about the Msian bureaucracy while she was here shooting a travel show. he basically said that all "Bloggers are liars. They use all sort of ways to cheat others. From what I know, out of 10,000 unemployed bloggers, 8,000 are women."

see? these are how malaysian politicians act. got a problem? blame someone else! dont blame the politicians for being stupid in the words and actions. malaysia boleh!

tengku adnan went on by saying "Bloggers like to spread rumours, they don't like national unity. Today our country has achievements because we are tolerant and compromising. Otherwise we will have civil war."

yes...i think we bloggers really start civil wars. if there wasnt anything wrong with the malaysian government then there wouldnt be anything for us to talk shit about.

so...Malaysia Truly Asia? think twice.

Screwed

i went for a play with C recently, my first ever play apart from the one that i've participated during my grade school days. it was called Screwed, a compilation of short stories which were then made into a theatre production. i must say, for my first play in yonkers it was fantastic. i especially loved the Mirror Has Two Faces bit where there were two actresses; each one sorta facing each other doing the same thing (like when one was brushing her teeth with her right hand the other one was used her left). it was precisely timed and even though there werent any dialogue, it spoke to me. there was this part where they were both laying down, and one of them was crying out loudly and shrieking and the other was laughing insanely. it sent shivers down my spine to see how innovative the whole piece was.

to me it was like living two lives in this woman's head, schitzophrenia if u will. in the end they both stabbed themselves and the crying one died while the insane laughing girl walks off. it was so powerful...and it was fantastic.

talking about fantastic, life has still given me the chance to enjoy whatever i have at the moment but there are a few major problems within my relationship with C. dont get me wrong, we're happy together. it's just that i recently found out that he's leaving to the states next year august and we both dont believe in long distance relationships. so what do we have now? a short term relationship? i'm not sure, but i feel like our relationship is like a product in the supermarket aisle, Expiration Date: AUG 2008. i think about this all the time, i know i shouldnt but i do. that's because i've already pictured us in the future, living together etc etc.

so what should i do now? i do like him alot but sometimes i wish i didnt find out, ignorance IS bliss.

Why Write?

i'm happy these few days, which doesnt exactly give me a reason to really blog. after going through my blogs one after another, i realized that my life is really depressing. i only write when i'm down and depressed, which is possibly the reason why i write. the following is what i wrote for one of my assignments (i got a Distinction for it, go me!) for my Writing class, which i would like to share with everyone. that's basically because i ran out of stuff to write about...i'm happy, forgive me, enjoy.

Why write? I write basically to bitch and moan about every single thing that is wrong with my life or dare I say the universe. But that was before I started writing on a regular basis. Now I write to get my emotions out. Since I realized that I do not wear my emotions on my sleeve, I have to find a way to get it all out. In that sense I relate to Austin (1982) and Bird (1993), in what they wrote. Austin writes about his past, the nostalgia and the reason why he became a writer today; Bird writes about how she puts the facts in her past into the fictional writing that she has created. I on the other hand write to re-live my past, to remind me of the growing pains that I had endured and the happy moments I have lived through. I write based on my emotions and try to bring it to a higher level. For example, my memories have made me write things that is hard to face in real life, but by channeling my experience I can write about a minimalist room which has nothing in it apart from a chair and a dangling light bulb, all because I felt empty in life at that exact moment after writing my memoirs on paper. The room, like how i envision my life to be, is empty apart from a few minor details. From that I was able to expand and bring a character in that I felt resembled me on a different level. Like Austin, I was able to create nostalgia, like Bird I was able to channel this nostalgia or facts into something else; fictional writing.

So why write? Maybe other people write just for the hell of it, maybe they just write because they feel like it or they have too many ideas and thoughts in their head they just need a way to channel it out. But personally, I write with my emotions and feelings up front. Finding a way to merge fact into fiction by emphasis of certain details and make the readers relate to me, that's why I write.

one of these days i have to post my writing pieces for u guys to see. some of my readers will like it, some of them wont. but i honestly hope u, as a reader would have an impact upon reading it. after all, that's what i'm here for.

My First Kiss

i didnt expect things to turn out the way they did last night. it seemed like it came from a hollywood movie where everything just seemed dreamy and blurry. let me explain...

i had a date last night with C again, i've been seeing him for a couple of weeks and i have the most intense feeling with him whenever we go out. the conversation goes well, all the smells work, we like each other, etc etc. so last night he introduced me to his friends, whom i thought were a hoot. i thought after reading a couple entries from their blogs, they would turn out to be pretentious boobs who have their nose up in the air but instead they turned out to be good people with great personalities, at least from the first impression.

so after dinner we all left, since C didnt have class today we decided to go to 65 where he could see where i used to work and meet a couple of friends. he sang a song, told me that was a serenade for me which is pretty ironic cause he sang When You Say Nothing At All and that sorta means shut up and stop talking. it was sweet though.

we left soon after and drove to the Mackers at The Curve and just started chatting about everything, our current situation, our past, etc. then it came, our first kiss. his lips tasted like...marmalade. i wanted more. we spent a couple of hours just making out in the car and my lips were raw from all the kissing but i still crave for more. so then i popped the question: will u be my boyfriend? i didnt expect these words to come out of my mouth but it did. and he said yes.

i seriously was/still am happy. it's been a while since butterflies floated around my stomach and my heart beats faster whenever i'm around him. i really do want to utter those sweet three words to him but i figured it's too soon to be saying it. but i sorta do feel it though, just trying not to abuse the word "love" like how everyone uses it like it's just another word.

when i got home, i realized that i really really like the guy. i could make something out of our relationship, it could be great...no. it could be fantastic. i guess i just wanna be happy with him.

One Word

someone asked me to describe myself in one word...i had to think long and hard before i came up with a very mundane word which sums up what sorta character i am.

i chose the word "funny ". basically because i'd like to think that i'm a funny guy and that i'm fun to be around with (how self-involved am i?). also because u could turn it around and also say it's the other sort of funny, the weird sorta funny which explains why i'm me most of the time. and yes i am weird, i buy guys flowers on our third date.

which brings me to the topic of getting flowers. i dont buy flowers...honestly i dont. but with the guy i'm seeing now i felt like he would like it and maybe appreciate it (yes i'm gonna bitch and moan about it). anyways let me just write about what happened today.

after dinner with my parents i went to Centrepoint to get a rose or something for the guy that i'm seeing, i thought it would be a nice gesture. so i went there and picked out the only roses that were in full bloom and looked fresh and asked the woman to wrap it up for me. this woman...is seriously living in her own little world. the roses were yellow and she was like "oh okay...i'm gonna use purple and yellow wrapping."

i told her no...dont use yellow and purple wrapping...that's rather tacky and it looks really bad. then she said "no it looks okay...come let me try it" and she basically wrapped the whole thing up with me standing there and saying "no i dont want it", "it seriously looks fugly", "why arent u listening to me???" and "what is wrong with u woman!?!?"

she was like...toodle doo..doing her own thing and ignoring whatever i had to say. in the end it looked like crap and i had no time so i paid for it and left. so i had ugly wrapping paper around pretty flowers, i hoped that C would look at the pretty flowers before thinking what horrible taste i have. so i went to pick him up for a movie and he took one look at my flowers and said "who are these for?". he picked it up and sat down and i said those are for u.

what was his response? "oh....."

silence.

we had a laugh about it though, he's not the sorta person who would appreciate flowers and very feminine stuff, which i thought he would, how silly of me. but i thought it was a nice gesture and so did he and on the way back from the movie he ripped off the wrapping paper and kept the flowers instead.

so what lesson did i learn? never bring anyone who isnt out of the closet...flowers or stuffed toys or anything that symbolizes femininity (edible panties anyone?).

A Blossom Fell

diana krall's music really gets to me. her voice is exceptional and really gets to me, sorta like singing into my soul.

btw, i am apologetic for the last diary entry i wrote, it was written out of anger and there was so much hate in it that it even shocked me when i re-read it a couple of minutes ago. i do not regret writing it though, that's why it's still there. i dont believe in regret, what's done is done and i just have to stick to my actions and take responsibility for it. and i do mean every word i say, i dont want to be like other people who just say things just because, i am learning the trait of being straightforward and not apologising for it. i think i apologise too much and i'm trying to cut it down. it sorta makes me look like i feel sorry for even being alive.

so i'm feeling kinda peaceful rite now...very zen. maybe that's because i've pretty much stayed at home and tried doing things to cheer myself up. this is something i'm trying out as well, whenever i feel angry i dont want to blow it out on other people so i cheer myself up by doing things i like, cause i know that i cannot rely on anyone to cheer me up. it's up to me to make things happen for myself.

so a blossom did fall for me, the blossom of anger and hate and resentment. i hope it doesnt grow again in the near future though...

Your Ass Is Crass

what's my definition of a friend?

A) someone who doesnt screw u over for the possibility of getting sex
B) someone who doesnt use u for his/her advantages
C) someone who u can talk to about anything and everything and can accept whatever u say and vice versa
D) someone who is there for u

friends dont come easily, and i can tell u for sure i only have very very few good friends. i hate users, i hate people who take advantage of their friends, i hate people who are just plain nasty and self centred.

recently i got to know someone who i thought i knew him, but i actually dont. firstly he made my friend feel like he was being taken advantage of, and i came into the middle of things and settled everything and now he's doing it to me. people like that dont learn their lesson and plus they're too stubborn in life to actually listen to whatever anyone has to say. in addition they dwell on the fact that they're never wrong, nothing negative ever involves them.

what sparked it off? well i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, plus i got so pissy last nite but i tried not to show it because of the stuff that person said. seriously i dont even want anything to do with him anymore...i guess i'm straightforward that way. i'm nice when it comes to friends but when i think there's seriously something wrong with the person, i pull back and give them the cold shoulder. it's not a good trait...especially in life. but i think i'll worry about that in the near future instead of now. i'm too fucking pissed to even bother.

why am i agitated? let me count the ways.
firstly this person knows very well i do not want to speak to him, so he comes up to me last night and without saying hello, asked me whether i'm going to frangi with the SGreans that came down yesterday. i looked at him and said no. then he tells me that he doesnt know the way there and that he's going.

seriously what do u get out of this little conversation? that what? i'm supposed to go because u dont know the way? that i'm supposed to lead u there? even if i do go, which i dont, u're gonna ditch me for the possibility of having sex in the first place so fuck u. fuck ur little antics and fuck off from my life. i dont give a flying fuck if he beats up people and shit, dont ever think for a second that i'm a little weakling cause i'll fucking pound ur ass to the ground and make sure u hurt.

yeah there's an insanely violent side to me, i'm hakka so blame it on my bloody genes. plus i grew up in a Gentiles-Only environment so it had to explode sometime or later right?

and for those people who read this should keep it to themselves if they dont want to get involved. u know who u are.

J'Adore Monsieur C

i think i'm starting to develop deep feelings. i've recently been dating this guy whom...i dont know, i can picture myself with him for the next couple of years. i think about him constantly, i sorta calculated the amount of times i thought about him today and it was 12 times. yes i am sad that way...

he's someone who i can get along with, have good conversations about everything and nothing and he's just...good that way. despite me being so stubborn (i never stop smoking...not for anyone, not even my exes) i actually tried not to smoke around him and tried to cut down cause i know he doesnt like it. i also listen to him quite a bit...which is funny cause i dont listen to anyone but myself (i'm self-involved that way as well).

the weirdest thing is that we've only been out together twice but it felt right. i felt like i could be myself around him, like i could open up and tell him whatever's on my mind.

the bad part is that he's a staunch catholic, and it's basically no sex.....AT ALL. i think God is trying to test me and see how much i would sacrifice for, dare i say it, love. i get the fact that there's alot more to life and relationships than sex, but for gay dudes like myself, sex is kinda important. i dont think anyone can feel more closer to each other without the act of sex.

but in any case, i respect him and his principles. i do hope that he could bend it just for me, no pun intended.

My Poor Knees

my knees, they're red and swollen from hip hop class just now. Luciano really loves to make hip hop look difficult but he makes it look good as well. geez, dancing non-stop for an hour really just takes it out of a person, especially when this person smokes and isnt exactly feeling very well to begin with.

so my mid semester break has started, and i'm not going anywhere. decided not to go to singapore and just save the money to one day go bangkok, since i've never been there. or maybe take my baby some place special for a romantic dinner or something. who knows...

so yes, i'll be pretty bored during the whole week, probably gonna catch up with my jogging, gym and dancing classes, and my assignments of course.

since my mother is still in sydney and my dad just left for ipoh today, i'm stuck alone at home with no company and a couple of dvds. i'm an avid horror movie fan, but no horror movies for me since i'm alone at home and i'm terrified of ghosts and ghoulies. it's times like these where a boyfriend is good to have around, to protect u from the supernaturals, "here take my boyfriend first while i make a run for it! okay bye!"

so...here's a tired, old, boring me infront of my computer with nothing better so i'm gonna put on a pirated dvd (Malaysia Boleh!) and watch it till my eyes feel heavy and i pass out. Goodnight Malaysia~

To Go or Not To Go...to Singapore that is...

i'm kinda stumped at the moment, pondering whether i should go to singapore for my mid semester break. it'll be such a waste if i went next weekend cause i start classes on the following monday after next. so i have less than 24 hours to decide whether i wanna go down to singapore. let me weigh out the advantages and disadvantages...

advantages
1) i get to see my friends in singapore
2) i get to drink a lot! i cant drink here cause i'll get caught for drunk driving here...
3) i get to get-away from msia for a couple of days
4) if i dont go anywhere, i feel like i'm wasting my entire week

disadvantages
1) a few sg friends are coming down
2) no place to stay (although a couple of people did invite me to stay over their place, i must kindly decline, i'm not comfortable staying with guys, especially when i'm dating an awesome guy rite now)
3) i dont get to see my baby
4) not enough money to spend

so...what should i do? i have to rush to make a decision now and me being fickle minded...i dont know if i should go or not. i do thank the people for inviting me to stay over their place, but i seriously aint comfortable with it.

maybe i'll just go for two days or something, but it hardly seems worth it when i'm gonna sit on a bus for 5 hours and then spend less than 78 hours there and then spend another 5 hours coming back. ahhh decisions decisions....by the way this is heading i dont believe i'll be going anywhere for my mid semester break...no where at all but rotting at home.

The G Word

i just watched the final episode of the L word season 4...damn man i hate feeling soppy and sentimental. i think i'm a guy like that, that i dont like romantic movies where people die in the end or people get together knowing they're probably star-crossed lovers. i dont think it's the movie itself that makes me a hater, but i think i just hate the emotions that i have the end of the movie or series.

[do not read past this point if u watch the L word religiously or if u dont want to know the ending]

like...what happened was there's this couple, Bette & Jodi and they broke up and stuff at what Bette did was she stole a sorta...billboard and travelled all the way to see Jodi and she came in on a tractor with the billboard and said that she loved her. it's sucks! i cant believe no one would do that for me. i mean the only thing i got from my exes was...probably flowers? what am i gonna do with flowers? eat them?

8 failed relationships doesnt make me the man, it makes me a failure. especially when all they've done for me is teach me lessons and not make me feel like i was the least bit loved. a guy that i'm sorta seeing has done way more than these 8 guys i've had relationships with have ever done within their relationship-life-span. he stood in line for an hour knowing that i like Gary Cao, got his signature on a cd and sent it to me. u know it's not the gift that counts, cause my ex gave me a tiffany's bracelet which i do like and then took it back when we broke up, that's beside the point. my point is that things like these will never touch my heart, it's the effort and the thought of it all that will make me believe that one is sincere.

i guess that's why i hate watching the endings of almost everything, cause i know that there's gonna be a big gesture involved and i never seem to get any of that. well...am i looking for the big gesture? is that my G word?

Foam Party @ LQ

i'm so drunk and tired rite now but i gotta blog. this is how dedicated i am to my diary entry and to u guys who actually take the time to read it.

i had a fantastic night. it was spectacular and great! the foam (FAB [detergent] + water) was pouring down like rain and it was wild. even now sitting here i cant really remember what happened throughout the night but i remember dancing alot, the green lasers moving and the people who were screaming and playing with the foam and water. it was seriously the best night i have ever had in ages.

okay i think that's enough for me...i'm really exhausted and i'm about to pass out from the amount of alcohol i have running through my veins. till then, peace out.