Single Mingle

When you're living in a city like Kuala Lumpur, there's a million and one things you could do. Take a midnight stroll around the notorious park known for it's cruisy gay men, grab a drink at the mamak (the local 24-hour coffee shop) with your new found sauna friend or hit the bars hoping to meet the man of your dreams, or someone to bang the headboards with. Tonight, I decided to join my friend in this quaint little bar called the Attic. It was the Singles Night and the event was called Meet, Mingle and Match.

A bar full of heterosexual men and women, what could a gay boy like me want more?

So I sat and analyzed the whole scene of people mingling and getting to know each other over huge glasses filled with minimal amount of red wine. They were happy; chit chatting about their favourite past times, making witty remarks about politics, occasionally cracking jokes about themselves. Then it dawned upon me, most of the men and some of the women had the same look in their eyes. Hoping they would meet someone who they could get along with and possibly have a relationship with. I see women taking small sips from their wine glasses and eyeing the man they were speaking to up and down, possibly calculating their percentage of wanting to know them even further.

The men on the other hand were all swarming to this C-cup woman (who coincidentally goes to my gym). Her perky breasts matched her perky attitude and had men drooling and hoping they could get a chance to bring her home.

These people had hope, whether or not it's finding a relationship or wanting to get laid they all looked similar. After meeting someone new, I always think about whether or not I could have a decent relationship with them, probably picture myself in Sedan with him in the passenger seat and sending our kids to school or probably just be friends and chat over coffee. I always hoped that the person I met is the right person I should be with.

Hope.

Is it the new designer drug that we are currently hooked on, or is it a life support system which we cannot live without?

At least I know for sure, at the end of the day I'm still hoping to meet someone I can carve a life with.

I Can Be Who's Father Figure?

Malaysia. A city that never sleeps, or probably it does, I wouldn't know being the only few awake at this ungodly hour. I came across this profile on Fridae which inspired me to write. I suppose what was interesting in this man's profile was that he wrote, and I quote: " I tend to like guys who are a bit on the nerdy side...It might be partially due to the fact that my father is a lot like that."

This got me thinking, are we attracted to men who have qualities like our fathers? Or maybe we've been smothered by mothers that we no longer have the ability to love any other woman apart from the one who nursed us since young. This reminds me of the Freudian concept of the Oedipal complex where (in summary) we men search for partners that resemble our mothers. But as gay men, are we looking for partners that have our father-like qualities? In other words, have we transitioned from Oedipus to the Electra complex?

Going through the list of men that I'm attracted to or have dated, I can't say that any of them resembled my father. But digging deeper into my personal life, I have to ask myself, am I searching for the father figure that I never had?

Don't get me wrong, my dad is great. He's funny, quirky and rather annoying, but there are no bounds when it comes to discipline from him. This probably had some effect on me; analyzing my past relationships, I preferred guys who had some sort of control over me. Masochistic as it sounds, I think I went for guys who are rather repressive and dominant.

So, is it a question of are we attracted to men who are like our fathers? Or do we want our partner to represent what we picture as a "father figure"?

Sweet Stuff

When you're a single gay man in what seems to be a place of infinite backstabbing and bitching, one would consider staying home a luxury. So stayed home during the weekend I did, except sneaking out last night just to grab a drink at the local coffee shop.

I met a friend for a quick drink last night and we got to talking about sugar daddies and their boy toys. It was interesting to see how this happens in another person's shoes, I had a suspicion that sugar daddies think of their relationship as a business transaction; they give their boy toys money in exchange for sex. But doesn't one get lonely in the affection department? If a man is with you just because you're loaded with cash, doesn't that leave no room for affection and emotions?

On the other hand you have your boy toys and money boys, most of them who are supposedly in their teens to late 20s, who see this relationship as an exchange of power; he gives you good sex, so therefore he gets money in return. With that power, they are able to buy whatever they want; may it be clothes, a car, maybe even a apartment overlooking the KL city. So when a relationship turns into exchanging sex for money, it's hard to draw the line between a boyfriend and a man who turns tricks at the street corner. When does it turn from being a professional boyfriend to just being plain professional?

I used to date a guy who apparently wanted a relationship with me but things turned sour when he started to acknowledge his value at the meat market. Ruining friendships and relationships, he desperately tries to land a man who is capable of tending to his materialistic needs. Just from analyzing his pattern of guys, I wondered whether he wanted me for my some-what okay looks and great personality or whether he was just out to get a load of the high road. I come from an average middle-class family which doesn't give me much to become a sugar daddy, so I would like to think that he was barking up the wrong tree if he was actually attracted to me because I could afford his lifestyle. I can't even afford my own lifestyle of endless amounts of alcohol and cigarettes.

If the relationship of the future is based on how much money one makes, does that mean there is a price on Love?

Twilight ActionGirl

The night at TAG was definitely one of the best nights of my life. As you can see from the pictures below, I had fun, they had fun, we all had fun.


I have no idea what I was looking at, probably captivated by the lights or something.


Drinking is our favourite game.


An Indian song came on, it was time to put the moves back on, Hindi Style.


Psychedelic!


I think that jug of Margarita was permanently glued onto my hand.


Drunken escapades lead to bad photos.


Very bad photos.


Haha, I just popped my head out of no where.


Twilight ActionGuy and Twilight ActionGirl.


I swear I wasn't holding the camera.


Pretty decent, this was when we first arrived.


Don't look back in anger, don't look back in anger...I heard you say.

The last song of the night by Oasis. I'm going to miss my comm buddies.

Angry Raging Hormones

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll walk a thousand miles.

Yes I do realize that phrase doesn't make sense, which is pretty much what's happening in my life right now. I'm done with exams and I've been bumming around and trying to motivate myself and keep interest in hitting the gym. I see some results, and I now understand why gay men flaunt their bodies, cause they work hard for it. I've been through endless hours just doing weights and RPM and hip hop classes, and you would think that the amount of exercise I do increases my endorphin levels but I feel more angrier than ever. I have a feeling my testosterone level is increasing, therefore I'm feeling more energetic. In other words, I think I'm becoming more butch.

It all pays off. Just yesterday after my routine workout, I stepped into the steamroom to relax and feel the heat when a guy came in and sat next to me. He introduced himself and we got to talking about our backgrounds and traveling. Time passes by when you're having fun talking to the other party. I don't think he's gay but I wouldn't mind making another friend.

After the gym, I went back got changed and it was time to party with my uni-mates. It was sad mostly because most of them are graduating, and some of them are leaving the country to pursue their work but there were no time for tears, only time for intoxicating ourselves with shots of Whiskey and Vodka and endless jugs of Long Island Iced Teas. Nothing goes better with alcohol than good music courtesy of Twilight ActionGirl.

To make things even more surprising for me, a friend's friend (whom I know) sat next to me and started caressing my leg. As the evening progressed, he gave me a soft and gentle peck on the cheek. I remembered it and I also remembered being a jerk and asking him "Are you trying to hit on me?". Damn man, as I sit here and reminisce about the kiss last night, I am pissed off at myself for not grabbing him....or even jumping on him. I can still feel his lips on my cheek, and his tongue. I think he frenched my cheek.

Me being...well me, I over-evaluate situations and till this moment I'm wondering how a relationship with this guy would go. He captivated me with just one look and he stole my heart with just one kiss. How I wish I could have another evening alone with him.

Hybrid of Emotions

A mixed up boy feeling lost in a complex world. That's who I am.

I completed my examination an hour ago and I have another one to prepare for next week. Unfortunately I had taken a sip from the ambrosia of happiness and it has switched me from Studying to Holiday Mode. Side effects? Confusion and emo.

Tonight is my friend's birthday, which I won't be attending because of personal reasons. Emo is the three letter word I'm feeling at the moment, probably because I want to attend this party but I don't want to face my ex alone. I am currently dating someone, but I don't want to go through the process of making each other jealous. I would like to think that I'm past that. I rather not go than to create unnecessary scenes.

Then the thought of friends have come to my attention. I have many acquaintances but I don't exactly have friends whom I can speak to about what matters in my life. All I have is this blog, 200 posts of thoughts and emotions that I can't exactly explain in person due to the wall I set up around myself. Does that explain why I am all alone? Even within my prison walls I have missing bricks in which I stick my hand out for someone to grab hold on to, but to no avail.

I give and I give and I give. But it seems like no one has ever bothered giving it back. Being taken advantage of should be my forte, after all I can't bear seeing who I deem as friends suffer.

I went through a process in my life; putting myself first. I don't think I have ever completed it. I seem to be running in circles, meeting the same people over and over again. People who use other people, people who have bad intentions and hidden agendas, people who I don't think deserve friends.

Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? How is it that I attract so many people like these? I really don't understand. I really don't.