My Lips...Like Warm Coffee

Remember I miss you
However, I am happy
Now you will still be able do well
Like how hard the practice was, next time for sure
You will avoid guys like me
Hopefully it will be a thoughtful, smooth and warm guy
He will completely satisfy your parents
And make them comfortable
Without one single tear to cry
Without hurting a single time
Without pain, I hope you will love peacefully

Don't cry, it's already a thing in the past
Although it may hurt to let go
It's only a point in life that goes against the rules
Although it may be a time that is longer than any other
As you live life, it's a point that everyone goes through
Although you won't be able to accept it easily
It is only a process to become an adult
It is only a process.

Drunked Words From A Disfunctional Boy

i'm drunk. and i hate this feeling. i had 3 beers during dinner with my relatives, some of which came back from U.K. with her boyfriend and her friend kelly who i think had a nose job but i asked and she supposedly didnt. anyways yes i'm pretty much drunk and it's taking me some time to type this out with out any typos or anything i want haunting me till the day i die.

so after dinner i came back to my house feeling good when i realized i still had a bottle of chivas tucked away in the corner of my cupboard. i poured myself a drink and sipped away while everyone sat in our living room and started chatting away. i had only one drink when my cousin said she was tired and wanted to go back to my uncle's place where she was spending the night along with her boyfriend Steve and Kelly. so i finished my drink and headed into my room where i spent the next few hours just feeling lonely and depressed. i decided, hey! i'm not going to be one of those people who spend the night at home staring blankly at the wall and wondering what went wrong in their lives, i'm gonna sit in this very chair i'm sitting now and drink myself till i get really drunk and pass out!

it seemed like a really good idea till i wondered what movie i should watch. Danial burnt me a dvd with some movies to watch so i put it on and i watched Rumour Has It, with Jennifer Aniston and the guy whom i think is really really cute and i would love to bite his lower lip...oh gosh i miss kissing someone. oh right before i start ranting on about kissing let me just say i loved the movie, and it was really funny and touching...especially when you're drunk. yeah i started tearing when she confronted her fiance (forgive me alright? my hormones run all over the place when i'm drunk, it's like i'm pregnant and almost about to give birth)

so right...kissing...i know i wrote this before but let me just say how i miss kissing. i just love it, the teasing of the tongue, the touch of each other's soft lips...i just want so much to just grab a guy and just plant a good kiss on his lips. my lips yearn so much to feel another pair of soft...and lushious lips on mine. i just want to feel that sensation of intimacy with just one kiss. i just want to hear the sound of two lips locking with each other and the parting of them, the soft suckling sound...there's no other way to describe it but to call it...

The Hollywood Kiss

Closing, Closed, Closure

to look forward to the future, one must forget the past so in order for me to move one step closer to my dream life, i have to forget my history.

in a year's time, i'll be graduating from my degree and i've spoken to my parents about working here in malaysia for a couple of months and then moving to London. hopefully i'm able to either apply for PR there or get a work permit so i'm able to stay there for a couple of years and live my life where i would want to be. this has yet to be finalized.

i'm not the sort of person to be able to plan things out in the future but i guess i have to thank my past for teaching me how to appreciate the present and the future.

i'm pretty much done with malaysia, i have no reason to stay here any longer and i wish not to stay here for the rest of my life. for my future life to continue, this present life must end.

so move on Ethan, it's about time you should.

To Uncle, Thanks For Everything

The waves of life are suddenly still
And serenity is in the air
Where the wild birds fly in the sky
You can hear the sounds of the sea drifting in and out of the shore

Open your eyes and see the light in front of you
Feel the warmth of the embrace
Tranquility will guide you now
You are one with nature
You are...

Dedicated to Uncle; know that your family loves you and i will try my best to take care of them whenever i can.
Rest in peace.

Ask For More...?

recently i've been pondering over some thoughts that have been nagging me ever since i became single again. when dating a guy, what is it that i look for?

is it his attitude towards certain areas in life?
is it the weakness in him which attracts me?
or is it his charisma and the chemistry that we both have for each other?

i find myself going on dates and comparing them to an ideal picture perfect boyfriend, a benchmark if i may. but with pop culture's and society's take on capitalism, dare i say that we are not satisfied with whatever we've got? have we become immune to disposing boyfriends and equiping new ones in which we find are better? it's all like Role Playing Games, one starts off with a pathetic weapon and upgrades it to an even better one.

but the main question is this, should i not wait for Mister Right and go for Mister Right Now? should i settle for less? should i gamble my heart for someone who is less than perfect?

when dealing with my romantic life, should i throw my ideals out the window and be with someone just because?

Strange Dreams

whenever i sleep, i wake up every 1 or 2 hours just to grab something to drink or to move around the bed, so therefore i consider myself a troubled sleeper. it's not that bad coz i dont exactly annoy anyone sleeping next to me but it isn't great for me.

so i had two dreams, funnily enough they were separate coz i woke up after the first nightmare and then went back to sleep to get my second dream.

i'll try and write my dreams down in detail, i cant remember some parts but i'll try to write down as much as i could.

i was sitting at a table with a couple of friends, their faces blurred so i couldnt see them properly but from my gut feeling i knew they were my closest friends. yes we were sitting there talking about random stuff when i needed to go back to our hotel room to change. we took one of the lifts up to the room and i changed first and was waiting for them to finish getting dressed when i got fed up and told them i'll meet them back at the restaurant. i was walking down the eerie corridor and i felt as if someone or something was there along with me. chills ran up my spine and i walked even faster to get to the lift. pressing the button and getting into an empty lift, i felt even more tense since i was trapped in a confined area. the lift door closed and i backed myself up to the left side of the lift so i could get a clearer view of everything. i turned to my left to look at the back of the lift only to catch my reflection staring back at me. then i turned to my right to the reflective part of the door and i could see very clearly, a long haired woman in a black dress standing next to me. my heart sank and i felt my body go limp.

the lights started flickering. i blinked again to only see her move slowly, like one of those black and white movies she moved towards me with every flicker of the light. and then when she was about to touch me the lift door opened and i picked myself up from the ground and stumbled out of the lift only to see that i was not come out to the lobby area but i came out to the rooftop. i looked over my shoulder to see her materialize and follow me and laugh wickedly. she grabbed me with her pale and vieny arm and claimed me as hers. i was her victim and i had no where else to go. i begged for her to let me go but she wouldnt. i asked her for one last wish, to see my friends and say goodbye to them for one last time. she pondered for a bit before yanking me. instead of my body following her, it was my soul which she grabbed on to and my body crumpled up and fell to the floor like a marionette. i cried for her to release me but she wouldnt, she just carried on pulling my arm and into the darkness we went...

since this dream was longer than i expected i shall not venture on to the second one, but it's alot less scary than this one for sure. i woke up anticipating that i would see the woman in front of me! that was scary...

My High School Crush (2nd Installment of Growing Up)

It was still Form 4, if i could remember clearly, after the kiss i gave Aaron we had Job Week. Job week was basically finding a job for one week and learning whatever there is to learn and gain some working experience. i found a job at a cybercafe and basically sat there surfing the net for dumb things to put up in my website. it was the 2nd or 3rd day of job week when i recieved a call from Aaron asking me to go out and have dinner with him. i felt kinda weird with him asking me to go out for dinner but i accepted anyways. so i went over to his apartment (we lived near each other) and we had a quiet dinner in one of the restaurants that was open.

after dinner he brought me up to introduce his mother to me and took me into his room. i sat there on the bed and wondered what was going to happen next. my heart was beating fast and i could feel something was about to happen, but nothing did. we just sat there and chatted for a bit, i laid down next to him on his bed and i wanted so badly to caress his chiseled face with my fingers. i wanted to hold him and tell him that i liked him ever since he joined my school. i wanted to kiss his lower lip softly and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. but i didnt, i panicked and told him i needed to go home. i picked myself up from his bed and with a raging hard-on i left his apartment with my bag covering my crotch.

After high school, we all headed separate ways, some people went overseas to study, some people stayed here, i chose to go to Taylors College since some of my friends were going. Aaron went to Sunway instead and we hardly kept in touch due to the buffer between Sunway and Taylors.

then one fine day when i was lazing at home, i recieved a call from Aaron. he told me he didnt have his house keys and was wondering whether he could bum at my place till his mother got back home. i said yes and when i put down the phone i cleaned up my messy room in a rush. he came over and we just sat on my bed chatting while the haunting voice of Foo Fighters played softly on my stereo. i could smell his sweet scent, a mixture of his cologne and his sweat (he was jogging before he came over). i could tell he was tired and asked him to lay down on my bed for a while and take a nap. he laid there and continued to chat with me until he drifted off to sleep. i sat there looking at his face. i felt this yearn to lay down next to him and kiss his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his cheeks, every part of his face. i wanted to lay my head on his chest and listen to the sound of his heartbeat and his light snoring and put my arms around his body. but being the scared, timid and foolish kid, i got dressed and i left him there on my bed with his head on my favourite pillow (now u know why i have a favourite pillow) and went out for a jog to clear my mind.

i was jogging around my area for a good hour and returned back to my house to grab a drink from my bottled water when i saw him come out with puffy bloodshot eyes. he thanked me for letting him crash at my house and mumbled something under his breath. i told he could come over anytime he wanted and we said goodbye. this was the last i ever saw of him. my high school crush, i can still remember his scent, his mellow voice, his haunting songs (he used to be in a band). how i wish i could see him again...

Growing Up

I didnt grow up gay, at the age of 7 i had a girlfriend during my Prep school days. her name was Min Yong and i thought she was the prettiest girl i've ever seen and i gave her a flower i found somewhere around the swings in my school. she left when i was 8 years old, totally broke my heart until this other girl Jennifer came along. Jennifer was sweet, i picked up another flower and gave it to her. that was when she took my flower and threw it away and claimed that i had cooties. everybody laughed. it was a tough year for me.

so yeah i transfered from Indonesia to Malaysia (dont get me wrong, i'm 100% Malaysian Chinese) and that was when all the politics started. i was new to school and i didnt know anyone and everyone picked on the new guy which was me. it was bad, i missed my prep school so badly. i needed a saviour, i needed a hero in my life, i basically needed someone to hide behind when the school bullies came along. that was the time when i started noticing my high school I.T. teacher. yeah he was cute and never gave me any shit in high school. i secretly had a crush on him until he left halfway through my high school.

i had a girlfriend named Shen Yi for a short period of time during the era of sexual confusion. during recess we would hang out with each other, right after school we would get ice cream and hug each other and when we went home we could call each other and talk about everything. that was when the teasing and the drama all began. not liking the attention that i was getting i slowly detached myself away from her and found other things to pre-occupy my time.

Form 4 came and so did this guy called Aaron Tan. he joined my class and sat next to me. he just transfered from his high school in America back to my high school in Malaysia and had this charisma about him which i fell in love with. we were very good friends until the popular SOBs brainwashed him into doing all sort of nonsense, but we still remained good friends. he went out with my good friend and she broke his heart (this good friend of mine grew up to be a lesbian). throughout the time they went out with each other my heart ached everytime i saw them together. after their breakup, he started going out with other girls and apart from seeing him in class, i didnt get to see much of him around.

Aaron Tan, my high school crush. i still remember the brief kiss we had during one of the dances in our school. he was going out with the grotesque Natalie and they were both sitting there outside the hall with a bunch of people. oh right before i continue on, there was this fashion statement in our school where bisexuality was in and heterosexuality and homosexuality was out, Celebrate the Best of Both Worlds we would say. yeah i cant say i didnt help start that fad in school. SO....anyways, i was going back home and so i said goodbye to him and natalie, so he gestured for me to come to him and i moved in closer and he said goodbye and leaned in. so i thought to myself "what a great time to kiss him", so i did it. and i pretended it wasnt a big deal and i just went off. my cheeks were burning red, i could feel the heat being released from my body. that was the one and only kiss i treasure and cherish and the memory of it will foever be locked away in my heart.

To Be Continued...

P.S. sorry guys i need to head off now but i will continue this tragic life story of mine for ur pleasure of reading it. ask me any questions if u're unclear of what happened. Thanks!

The Saturday Night Jigsaw Puzzle

so i managed to finalize what actually happened on saturday night after asking various people who were there last nite or happened to bump into me on the road when i was catching a cab.

okay the night went like this.
i was in this bar meeting up with a few friends and that's where i got drunk apparently. yeah that's true coz i dont remember anything after my 3rd long island, i cant hold my drink anymore apparently, totally turned into a light weight. so yes i sang a song with some guy which i think was the waiter, started ranting to random people etc etc. so there i was drunk as a lord and i met this guy called desmond. i dont know how but i got into a cab with him and he dropped me off at whynot, but before i got out of the cab, i shoved a fistful of cash at him and left.

so i got into whynot and managed to get my drink with andy and downed it. that was when i went wild and got up to the stage to dance. the only thing i remembered from there were the bright flashing lights which could probably cause seizures and fits. so yes i was dancing and apparently pulled a couple of people onto the stage and danced with them, got alittle over-friendly according to my sources and was pulled out of the club by andy. i was also saying hello to everyone who walked past me and before i could leave the club, i "planted a wet one" on a friend. so yes i continued to shock and scare passing pedestrians by saying hello and konichiwa and ahnyung.

that was when we managed to catch a cab and i was chatting with the taxi driver about football. i got back to the hotel and that was when the night of the living drunk passed out on his bed. i woke up and had no recollection of what happened the night before, all these facts were gathered from various sources.

Sakura Leaves

Like the sakura leaf, my heart is floating to the ground. dare i say it? dare i voice out loud my feelings and lift the shroud of depression that is resting on my soul?

heong, ku de sarang hap ni da