Lonely Christmas

it's time, i'm giving up the whole "i'm single because i want to be" facade. it's awfully depressing when u have no one by your side during the holidays, especially during holidays that stress on the fact that people in love are alot happier than the people who are single and ready to mingle. yes, for those of u out there who have someone by your side, cherish it.

i'm lonely. it's good to have good friends by ur side and family who loves u and stuff, but there's a part of me that's missing. i cant really explain how the feeling is, it's like everyone out there is having fun and enjoying their lives and they're with people. i feel like i'm stuck in one place, stagnant through time. i feel like i havent progressed at all, relationship-wise. i try and tell myself and other people that i'm fine being single, it's alot better than having a ball and chain tied to ur foot but in reality i'm breaking down inside, bit by bit.

christmas hasnt exactly been the best for me. i've always spent christmas alone. while my family is heading off to dream land at night, i lie awake at 4am without any friends by my side wishing i could be with someone, even if it's not a partner or boyfriend or whatever, then at least some friends. i dont really understand how people view me, they hold on to the belief that i have many many friends when i dont, i tell them i dont and they wouldnt believe me. yes i do know a lot of people but that's because of my job but actually sitting down with a friend and pour my heart and soul into our conversations is something i long for. i let my guard down yesterday and my friends just thought i was in a bad mood; i so want to tell them "no i'm not in a bad mood, i'm just depressed" but i know the feedback that i'll get from them. "life's too short to be depressed", "you're young! what's the point in being depressed?", "how can u be depressed? u're supposed to be happy and enjoying life!", etc etc. this is basically why i stop showing the ugly side of me, because people dont want to listen to me. they have this idea of what i'm supposed to be; happy, bubbly, fun, playful, immature, whatever. sometimes i think to myself that no one really knows me and that's because they dont bother to know me. people see what they want to see. no one wants to be around a depressed party pooper all the time, so i form this guard, this almost picture perfect of what they think i should be and i suffer in silence.

so what to do? complaining isnt going to solve any of my problems so right now i'm going guy hunting. i need a lover, i need to be in love, i need to feel like i'm being loved, i need someone whom i can hold on to when i'm scared, i need someone whom i can talk to about my feelings and my future and anything under the sun, i need someone whom i can watch fireworks with during festive seasons, kiss at the stroke of midnight during New Years Eve, wake up to and snuggle with during rainy mornings...i need a boyfriend.

Recent Happenings of Ethan Lim

so this is an update of my life, just in a nutshell. i have been working, going for meetings with my boss to hopefully get promoted to assistant manager of 65, seems like everything is going according to plan. i'm writing proposals and helping out in organizing the christmas event that is coming up.

recently i'm getting harrassed by dirty old men who seem to think that my colleagues and i are toys who they can touch and hold, etc. i'm sorry if a colleague of mine presents that he's a slut to everyone but i have my principles and my morals and work ethics so no touching or copping a feel when i'm working. firstly it's annoying when u're busy mixing drinks or writing down orders and this dirty old man with glasses asks u to come over to cop a feel. geez i dont care whether u opened a bottle of J.D. or whatever, i am not someone u can harrass.

the other day i was working as well and this drunked idiot kepted on calling me to sit with him and talk to him. so i spoke to him alittle bit and went back to my job. i was playing this dice game with one of the regulars and he came along and wanted to join and he was making a big fuss and everything so i stopped the game when he broke one of the lolipops into pieces. as i was picking the pieces up and throwing them into the garbage he grabbed a piece and sticked it in his mouth and then took it out and held it out for me. i was completely disgusted and told him i dont eat candy and finished what i started. i was behind the bar clearing stuff and i see him coming in and holding out the same piece of candy which he stuck in his mouth and took out and he was glaring at me. i forced him out and closed the small swinging door so he wouldnt come in again.

i continued to play the dice game with my friend and the regulars from behind the bar when he came again to annoy the shit out of us. he even whacked my friend in the head. so we stopped again and i went to clear some stuff and he came after me again, this time asking what time i get off work and he's going to wait for me. then he started to repeat his questions like why wont u take my candy, and do u think i will hurt u? he started grabbing on my hands and trying to force me out of the pub, i swear i was panicking and tried to break free of his grasp and get away as fast as i can. luckily Sam came and tried to help me out but seeing that he couldnt pry his hands away from my arm he called for Eric (my boss) to help out. i was able to break free once eric came to my rescue and i hid behind the bar and locked the door in case he came back.

i must say and i stress this, i am not a plaything. i am not someone who anyone can just harrass and think they can get away with it. karma's a bitch and it will come back threefold so these people will definitely get what's coming to them.

Lost In Imagination

i'm feeling mighty restless these few days, a feeling which i do not understand very well. mostly because i usually feel restless for a couple of hours and then it dies down but ever since last week, i've been jumpy, my fingers cant seem to stop tapping or twisting my ring (i have this habit when i'm feeling nervous or uncomfortable or restless, i'm play around with my ring), etc. what i dont understand is i've done my work, i'm done with my exams, i'm pretty much done and yet i feel like i have some unfinished business that needs attending to. is it my love life finally calling out to me?

i've been a good boy recently, people come to me with all their problems and secrets and i never tell a single soul. i havent been trying to date anyone and have been rejecting one or two. i try to tell myself i need this time to really know who i am and that i want to be single. but i know truthfully that i'm not truly over a certain person yet. i've been thinking about him recently, maybe that's what's making me restless. dreams of his house, us going to australia and visiting my sister, his room, etc. i know they're all dreams and sometimes dreams mean nothing. i think it all started when i found his t-shirt in my closet. i wanted to dump it into the garbage can but instead i sat there on the floor and took a big whiff of that shirt. it certainly smelt like him, and my head was dizzy from all the nostalgic memories. i dumped it behind all my clothes and closed my closet door, hoping that i would forget about it.

how long does one take to get over another person? a week? a month? a year? a couple of years? never? i dont want to be one of those people who can never be able to move on in life because of a certain person. it's hard enough as it is dating other people and trying to get dates.

so this weekend i'm treating myself to a vacation in singapore, this one will be different as i'm using the money i earned from work to travel there and do stuff. i need a big old drink and to feel that feeling of weightlessness and floating in the air. i need to let myself go, as i said earlier, i've been a good boy....it's time to be a little bit bad.

Ethan Enchanted

it's 8.30 in the morning and i havent gone to bed yet. why? cause my bedtime antics have been at play and my biological clock seems to think that daytime is for sleep.

my exams are finally over. i can feel the overwhelming sense of stress finally dispatch itself from me and latch on to another unsuspecting victim. i finally can concentrate on the better things in life such as running around naked in a field of flowers and bending over and making an obscene pose in the barnyard where i once used to play.

jokes aside, the adrenaline has stopped producing itself in my body and i'm feeling the side effects of it. i went to LQ yesterday with a couple of friends only to sit there have two drinks and leave alone. i have alot on my mind lately and it's not been going so well. the breakup with ah hong has lead me to blame myself for shitting where i eat. let me explain...

i woke up at 9pm to find my phone singing harmoniously into my ear. when i picked it up it was my friend asking me whether i was going down to LQ with him and his friends. i told him i'll meet him at 65 and i'll discuss about it when i'm there. i dressed up nicely and arrived only to find out that ah hong was inside 65 with some guy i didnt like. anyways the side story is that i dont think ah hong took the breakup very well as he stopped contacting me (i got the hint). so i didnt want to go inside and create any mixed emotions and i was pretty much forced to go to LQ, being that there was no other choice. so i went, with the feeling of missing my family at 65. i saw B there. i spoke to him for a while and realized how much i miss him, while knowing the fact that we cant be together cause firstly he's the type that gets jealous very easily, and secondly apart from each other we dont have anything else in common. so i had to let my feelings go there and then, leaving him at the crowded disco and going down for a much needed drink. i left about an hour later after that only to face the ever tragic story of my friend Jimmy and his ex.

Jimmy, a good friend and lover. he has a mouth laced with poison but a heart made of gold. he's the monogamous type and i can feel in him, he's crying out silently in desperation. his long story short is that his ex wants to break up with him, jimmy still loves him and will wait for his ex to come back to him. i sorta have a small little crush on jimmy to be totally honest, i guess that's why when i met his ex i was cold to him. i just dont understand, this is a guy (if he was into me) that i would have a monogamous relationship with and his ex has the decency to break up with him. i know these things are between two people but seeing my friend wanting so much for them to work things out made me die alittle inside. i've been looking for a person like jimmy for so long and here is his ex having it within his grasp and he doesnt even want it. sigh, maybe i'm just a bit jealous. i cant really explain how i feel, i'm complicated and dramatic in that sense.

a friend also told me how he got to know his lover last night as well. they met through friends and were friends for 3 months and one night it just happened. i just sat there and listened and ate it all up with a spoon, wondering whether that fantasy story of two people meeting each other and developing feelings for each other will ever happen to me anytime soon...

Breaking Up Is Never Easy

i always manage to find myself in the worst possible situation that no other ordinary person faces in their life. i'm single again...forutnately i managed to escape my bad dating cycle before it eventually unhinges it's jaws and swallows me whole. the reason? easy, because he reminded me so much of my ex it's not even funny. he's controlling, he's so full of himself, he treats me like another person he can walk all over and he's extremely jealous. i can see myself a few months down the road being in the same position i was last time with my ex and i really really do not want to repeat that cycle.

i look back and sometimes i wonder whether i'm supposed to find someone that i know is bad for myself. anyways enough of brooding and tears and explanations, i've had enough of it today. not to mention there's a few doppelgangers running around trying to copy the way i write, the way i dress, the way i talk and whatever. i seriously dont understand why, it's not like i'm someone special or anything, i'm not a celebrity and i'm not someone who can attract alot of people. so why would someone want to copy and paste my identity onto theirs? and i do not find it flattering, i find it insulting. call me selfish but i didnt spend 22 years of my life trying to find myself and my whole identity for someone else to copy and potray as their own. that's just plain sloppy and lazy. so kids, learn a valuable lesson, dont try to be someone u're not, just be urself and do stuff which builds character. and for u doppelgangers reading this, i suppose there's nothing left for me to say except u cannot be me and copying me wont let u become me, so try leading ur own life instead. for now i'm gonna drive down to 65 and hopefully just mope in the corner or something.

Lingering In Life

sometimes i sit and ponder over my life. i start analyzing myself and wonder what the hell i'm doing with my life. this is one of those times. i was sitting in the car, driving back home with The Cranberries playing their haunting melodies on my stereo; their No Need To Argue album seem to have a nostalgic effect on me, as well as depressive. this wave of emotions just seem to overwhelm me as i start looking at my life; i'm starting to feel my life has no meaning. i wake up during the evening, i hardly go for classes, i have assignments due in the next week and i havent even started, my exams are in a few weeks time and i go out late at night and come home during the wee hours of the morning. i feel like my life is slowly crumbling before me and soon i wont even have a leg to stand on.

i tell myself and i tell others that i dont need anyone to depend on, but deep in my heart i know i need someone to take care of me. i'm a walking contradiction, preaching to others what i believe in but i do not practice; a hypocrite. i want so badly to be this person that knows how to take care of himself, that knows the right from wrong and does whatever is right. i keep writing and i keep telling myself, u have to go take charge of ur life, but doubt has gotten the better of me. how am i supposed to take charge when my life is a mess?

sitting here, as i bite my lip to fight back the tears, i'm wishing that i could skip all this drama that i create for myself and just be normal, but i know i cant. i'm sick in that way, my mind keeps dwelling on the negative and it wont let me go and live my life in peace. my body is like a cage for my soul, and my mind is feeding it poison. how am i supposed to escape from life, but more importantly how am i supposed to escape from myself?

it's times like these i wish i could bury myself in someone's arms and feel, even if it's a mere second, that everything is okay. am i lonely? yes. i'm very lonely, dating Hong doesnt make me feel better because i know that i have to start everything over again, the getting to know him, the sex (i havent had sex with him yet), the first fight, etc. plus with his job, i hardly get to see him and now it doesnt even feel like we're dating.

i just want to hold someone while i'm sleeping, know that when i come home, i'm coming home to someone whom i love so much it hurts. i guess right now i have to settle for my pillow...

Arabic Dance

Moonlight audaciously dancing on the dyed edge of the window
The smokes magically illustrate every visual sense
Give me one more cup of that ancient mysterious Ganges water
The cat's eye that i hemmed on my forehead uncovered the festival

The joints that have been imprisoned for thousands of years due to the cause of love
It is telling the love stories that have been forgotten
Listen to all the joy and misery
They are all tied to my waist
Let those pictures appear again
Let us go back into the past

Spinning
Jumping
I close my eyes
I won't see the uproars
Are you immerged in the past yet?

White snow
Summer Nights
I won't stop and rest
Blurring the years and ages

Stories have been depicted into the spinning finger tips
Who is it?
Who is following me idiotically?
This night, on the steps leading to the old palace
I let myself go as sweat drips from my face
Those sweats lightened up the festival

The sweats encloses me tightly layer after another
I am going to let this world forget to sleep
Your worries reflected inbetween my eyebrows
The pleasure that you have given has all come true

The bliss and sorrow is all writing in my eyes
Let them appear again, let us head into the past

The sandglass of time has been scrunched to pieces by me
No one has seen the happiness and sadness of a dancing prince

One Night In Liquid

just got back from a great night a-gain! i finally realized that i still have market value out there in the vicious gay circle. woo hoo! not only that, i am dating a really great guy, someone who is stable and so much more level headed that i am, and that's what i need in my life; stability. he's fantastic, he smells like...water, i know this coz i was sniffing his neck the entire time i was at Liquid. well anyways before i head on, let me retrace my steps.

at first i met up with my friends at 65, my local watering hole which i sometimes work at when there's not enough staff. it was okay until one of my friends punched me in my stomach playfully, i detest people playfully punching me, especially when i just ate. so i tried not to let that get into me and i just continued on with the night. i was supposed to meet a friend who came down from singapore who is going out with a guy i used to date (but now we're friends). they were busy consumating their love for each other and decided to flake on me. another thing which i loathe with a passion; people who make plans with u and do not even bother to call or msg to tell u that they're not going. that really pissed me off since i was already there and they first told me they were too tired and then asked me to pick them up.

anyways lets put that anger into a bubble and blow it away. the guy i'm currently dating now was showing no signs what-so-ever that he was interested at first, so that kinda made me upset as well, until he grabbed my hand and held it really tightly. everything seemed to melt away and i felt...well hard to be precise. and then i realized something, i dont usually get hard when i hold hands with someone, only my exes and that's when it hit me, i really really really like this guy. so i tried to analyze him, seeing what his body language was like, how he reacts to my arm brushing against his and everything. i think he's not very open towards public affection and he was making an effort to keep it inside, coz he pecked my cheek at first. then our lips touched and i just felt for that mere nano-second that nothing really mattered and i was floating on air.

well the night passed by so fast, we left Liquid to rejoin my family of friends at 65 and had a drink at the local coffeeshop nearby, recapping the whole night to them and them to us. we had a laugh making jokes about each other and stuff and just thinking about tonight i just gotta say that i had loads of fun tonight.

ahh the rain is slowly falling hitting the ground...it is a fantastic time to lie my head on my pillow and hold on to my favourite pillow tightly and drift happily into my dream land. a great ending to a fabulous day....

My First Dance Performance

oh golly, tonight was such a crazy night. i went to 65 early and we had to try on the make up to see whether it suited our dance that i choreographed. yes i'm an amateur choreographer, and to be honest i'm quite good! so anyways it was a couple of hours before we had to perform and the three of us were rehearsing the entire routine when JoJo came up to us and said we had to be backup dancers for her show. i had an hour to think of a couple of moves for all of us to dance along to and i only managed to come up with 5 which all of us could follow. feeling the pressure building up on me just 2 hours before the whole thing started, my jitters started acting up. i started panicking and started barking orders at everyone, i admit i snapped...quite a bit at people as well. the makeup was done by me and a couple of others. actually i wanted it simple, ghostly to be precise. with liquid foundation on the lips, eye liner and the little red flower on the forehead but people started piling into the toilet and added more and more stuff on our faces, this is the first ever that i had make up on my face and trust me, i think it's gonna be the last.

nervousness has gotten the better of me and i felt really pressured, everyone seemed to be relying on me to dance the best, have the best make up, have the right moves and not screw up since i came up with the whole idea myself, i really really couldnt control it. just right when we were about to start the show, my dancer asked me where he was supposed to stand. i totally gave it to him and i was shouting at him and stuff, i knew i shouldnt and i felt really bad later. anyways after the dance we had to go back in to check the make up since we were sweating like pigs, i honestly (even up to now) can not remember if i made the right moves. then straight after we checked our make up we (me, dicholas, ah hong and chris) had to go out and perform for JoJo's solo as well which was a disaster because one of my friends who was supposed to be in the dance had a door slammed in his face, by me. i didnt mean to and i honestly didnt even know so we all went out and started dancing.

during the middle of it he couldnt stand it anymore, he was feeling dizzy and he cut his lip from the swinging door so he dropped out and then there was three of us. after the whole show i ran back to the toilet area where we had our make up done and i checked on chris, his lip was cut badly and he was feeling faint. me and dicholas quickly removed his make up and then removed ours since we were dripping with sweat and trust me, it wasnt exactly a sight to see. we then had to go out to be thanked by one of the staff from 65, with chris sitting inside the toilet area, i felt really uneasy. so after the whole thing, i ran to my car and changed and ran back to check on him. on my way back i found out that he wasnt at the toilet area so i went back outside to see him sitting in the dicholas' car looking like he was about to pass out.

i was hovering over chris when all the commotion started happening, dicholas threw a tantrum and started yelling at people and chris' best friend Daniel couldnt stand it and started yelling back at him and dicholas got into the car with chris in it and sped off. i didnt get the whole gist of it but i didnt know what to do so i went back inside and started helping out. i came back out to see daniel sobbing and telling us how much he cared for chris and how dicholas is an asshole. there was a few of us which comforted him and sent him on his way. i went back inside the bar only to be greeted by people who told me the show was fantastic and people seem to be asking me if i felt really nervous and excited. i dont know why, but when i asked them if i missed a step, they wouldnt tell me so i'm waiting for the guy who recorded everything to burn a DVD for me to watch it over.

so the whole night was...hectic and to an extent, a disaster. i just hoped the audience enjoyed the dance routine and i'm praying when i get the dvd, that i didnt miss any moves.

Show @ 65 on the 21st of September!!!

hey guys, there'll be a party on the 21st of September located at 65, there'll be a couple of performances that will be shown throughout the night such as dance performances lead by me and a couple of other people, powerhouse singers releasing their string of pop music, etc!

it is from 8PM to 10PM and everyone who comes will get a free complimentary drink.

65 is located @ 65, Jalan Jejaka 2, Taman Maluri
Landmarks: Behind Jusco in Cheras, Near PizzaHut

Any enquires please dont hesitate to call me @ 0123241759

See you guys soon!

My First Day @ 65

last night was my first day of work at 65. it was so tiring but i managed to get everything in order and sales was very very very good considering it's a tuesday night! i must admit i'm a pretty good waiter when it comes to bars and stuff and with my good social skills convince them to drink more! hahaha i'm good like that. but i did meet some really snobby people, one of which thinks he's pretty classy but is cheap as hell, who the hell takes 2 cents from his change? anyways aside from that the night went pretty well, a solid effort from 6PM to 2AM.

so anyways, something weird happened last night. i sort of have this thing going on with this guy called Allen, dont get me wrong, he's just interested in me and has been flirting and giving me the signals and stuff and i havent exactly been reciprocating much to give him hints that i'm not really interested but i'd like to be his friend. it was his birthday party last night and alot of his friends showed up, only a few of which i knew. this guy called Gan showed up whom i think is super cute (i love his eyes) with his friend called Tyios and i said hello and served their party table of 20 throughout the evening.

funnily enough, despite meeting Tyios for 3 times, he hung out with me and started talking alot to me. i didnt exactly find this weird coz he's a friendly guy. so during my little breaks inbetween work, he came over and chatted with me, telling me he's interested in one of my friends called Jimmy and blah blah blah blah blah. so it's almost the end of the night and Tyios is drunk and so is Allen. Allen gave me alot of signals throughout the night as well.

anyways back to the end of the night, tyios asked me privately whether i could send him back home after work, i was so tired but being the nice and helpful me, i said yes. after work we all went for a drink at a nearby mamak and just basically started talking; there was a whole bunch of us including drunk Allen and alot of his other friends. his friends knew that allen was interested in me and sat me right next to him. it was getting late and it was time to get back home (3.30AM) and i told Dicholas that i'm sending Tyios back home. he told me to becareful coz he's sensing something in Tyios that tells him he's interested in me, i told him to fuck off coz it aint gonna happen.

i'm in the car driving and tyios was sitting on the passenger seat, and...yeah Dicholas was right. Tyios did try to hit on me, he asked about my relationship with allen, my exes, my crushes, my type, etc etc. not only that, he was on his full-on mode as he placed his hand on my thigh while talking to me. i didnt say a thing at first but when he slid his hand up to my crotch area i told him to knock it off and i picked up and placed his hand back on his thigh. he was persistent cause after 10 minutes he did the exact same thing. i told him that i'm really shy and i dont think he should do these sort of things. so i reached his house and expected him to rush out feeling embarrassed, but he just sat there flirting with me. i gathered up the courage to say it's getting late and i should get back home and he caught the drift and left.

i really dont understand, how can friends do this to each other. he's been friends with Allen for about a year and he knows that Allen is interested in me but he does this behind his back. anyways, i prefer not to stick my head into these little troubles.

i should get an award for this. i havent had sex for almost 3 months and this cute 18 year old boy throws himself at me and i didnt take advantage of the situation. -_-; i really should be awarded...

Emission Implausible

Congratulate me! this is my 100th diary entry! free pen(his) and pen(hers) for everyone!

waiting for love is such a drag. i've been single for at least half a year now and it hasnt exactly been smooth sailing. the guys whom are interested in me, i have no interests in and the guys whom i am interested in have no interest in me. i dont think i'm setting a benchmark for my partner, all i'm asking for is someone who i can share my dreams, my passions, my hopes, my failures, my depressions with, just someone who i can rely on at times of happiness and trouble. is that asking too much?

i've been meeting alot of people lately, going out on dates and doing alittle bit of PR work for this bar i go to frequently and i have met some potentials; one of which i met recently and i can imagine myself holding onto him and sniffing his neck while he's sleeping. and funnily enough he's around my age! i could talk to him for hours and stare into his dreamy eyes, at his milky white face, his sexy lips but unfortunately he's into older men. to be totally honest i havent been acting like myself lately, i know i'm matured in my thinking but my actions prove differently, so i've been trying to lead this guy into thinking i'm alot more matured than he thinks i am. i dont think age should play a particular factor when looking for a suitable mate, i'm not ageist and i think most people shouldnt be. sigh...anyways his name is Douglas and i want so much to just lock on to those chewable lips and never let go. i dont know what to do, i just cant stop thinking about him. when i'm sitting there at 65 talking to a guy whom i know has the hots for me, i wonder what he's doing and is he thinking about me as well. i should slap myself silly for being such a highschool girl but i just cant help myself.

can i win him over with my charisma? can i sweet talk him into thinking about me night and day? can i make him feel the same way i feel for him? these questions would remain unanswered for now, i'm hoping that in the next few weeks i would be able to find the answer i'm looking for.

so in the meantime i sit at the bar and wait...listening to Wang Lee Homs and Mariah Careys sing their favourite songs...waiting for the next time i could meet him again.

Crying Out In Desperation

i am officially becoming a monk. i havent had proper sex in a couple of months and it's driving me nuts. what i mean by proper sex is not just pure lust and humping like jack rabbits, it's the connection between two people and the intimacy that's channeled back and forth between them. i need someone to stimulate not only my body, but my mind as well. so right, i'm so horny i could hump a tree. i'm not being self centred here but if i wanted just sex, i could just grab any guy that i know who is attracted to me and just pump it in the boudoir, but i cant use them like that. they want something from me which i am not able to give them: a stable relationship. dont get me wrong, i'm not saying that i cant give them stability, it's just that...i'm carrying alot of excess baggage and it's not fair for me to unload it onto them.

anyways sex lead me to ponder over some things. why do we always label people who have promiscuous sex and enjoy it as sluts or horny bastards? it's in our nature to enjoy sex and come on, let's face it; we're men. we usually think with our penises instead of our heads. we shouldnt be so negative about enjoying the practice of (safe) sex. we can see this in the animal kingdom where they hump every humping season. sometimes i wish i was an animal, all i need to worry about is when my next meal is and who to have sex with.

anyways, i think i went off tangent there. so i'm sitting here, crying silently in desperation, wondering when the next good sex in my life would come. if not, i can always turn to celibacy or start practicing the art of tantra.

Spontaneity

just got back home from a very great night. it was indeed a fabulous night and spontaneity does pay off. let me recapped what happened...

at first, i felt so tired (as u would probably know from my earlier diary entry), and was grouchy as hell. i drove all the way to 65 and i was the first few to reach the karaoke pub which i frequent. sitting there alone with the staff i was smsing this guy called julian. i dont know why but i didnt exactly get a good vibe from him, especially when he kept on sending his photos and told me about his exes (apparently his latest of his two exes passed away in a car accident). i dont know...i just got a warning from my friend who apparently knows him saying that he likes to find out ur particulars and if u're loaded, he'll stick on to u like glue.

so i didnt give him much response and then Dicholas came and asked me to join him for dinner. two of his friends from SG were down and we went to join them at this chinese restaurant just outside of 65. i didnt really felt like stuffing my face infront of strangers so i just sat there and cracked a few jokes and talked a bit. after dinner Chris arrived with his friend from SG and we went back into 65. at that time there were a few patrons inside and that's when things got interesting. we sat down and William and i shot a few games of pool, and i won a free drink from him. such a sweetie pie. he honoured out little bet and did buy me a drink.

accustomed to being labeled as a social butterfly, i went around talking to people whom i knew. using my PR skills (as if i had any) i just started making conversation to whomever looked bored. yeah so i basically fluttered around. and that's when i needed a break so i stepped outside for a minute. that's when Kenny came and started doing his Paris Hilton bit, funny bloke. and Desmond from SG also came down and i saw him walking towards 65 and had a chat with him just to catch up on things. that's when it was time to head down to the local gay club, Liquid (LQ).

LQ was incredibly fun. William & Anthony bought a bottle and using my contact(s), i managed to smuggle Chris and Ken in. we went upstairs to the disco and planted our bottoms at the bar. so knowing very well i cant drink much, i managed to get Anthony drunk and William...i think high. so yeah and the bunch from 65 also came down to LQ and we basically just started hanging out with each other. there were these two brats making out with each other at the corner of the bar right next to us so me being me, i got up and started snogging Allen, this guy i got to know from 65. i dont know how i manage to get myself into these sorta messy situations but we ended up on the middle podium dancing and snogging each other.

awkward moment alert: the staff and allen's friends are very close. so they were giving me the i-know-what's-going-on-between-both-of-u look and things just got weird. plus allen...i'm sorry to say is just not my cup of tea judging from the way he kisses. so anyways there were people who were hungry so the whole lot of us went to the nearest mamak to eat and have a drink. i was walking inside and there was a table with these four guys, one of them was wearing a red shirt over a black tank top/t-shirt i think. he was kinda cute and i was sorta checking him out but he caught me a few times so i just shyed away.

ALERT: if u're the cute guy wearing the red shirt and u're reading this, drop me a msg!!!

so yeah after that we all left and i had to send chris and ken back to the hotel, but we ended up going to what we call "Motherland" where we met Tyios and Gan there. it was fun talking to them and i could sorta sense that Gan was giving me a vibe...call me self centred but i think he was checking me out. i thought he was kinda cute as well. it's just way too bad that he and allen are good friends and....i know allen likes me alot but i just cant; i need someone alot more....manlier (catch my drift?). anyways it was about time to send them back to hotel and get back home to Mr. Q, so i was about to ask Gan for his number when the conversation got shifted and it was back to the topic of me and allen again. i really dont know how i get myself into these spiderwebs....

so all in all it was a fantastic night, it's one of those nights where u would remember it even after a few years and say, that was a fabulous night....

Mental/Physical Exhaustion

i'm sitting here with bloodshot eyes and feel like the whole world is literally on my shoulders. i feel like i could sleep forever and just wait for my prince in a t-shirt and jeans who rides a white Proton Gen-2 to come kiss me.

sorry for the blabbering, i'm really tired and i'm supposed to head out in about half an hour so i'm fully dressed, sitting here and wanting to drift off to sleep but i know if i do, i wouldnt be able to wake up until after midnight and i'll get screwed over by my friends.

these past few days have been interesting, meeting new people and getting to know them and everything. that's the thing about me, i tend to lose interest after seeing the way they act. i tend to over observe when it comes to dating and people whom i'm interested in. so what am i looking for? a wise philosopher once said that we search for compatibility, for someone who we want to be and has the characteristics and qualities that we wish we had. but that the thing, if i dont know who or what i want to become, how am i supposed to find a compatible lover? i sit here from time to time pouring my heart and my soul and my thoughts into this database which i dont even know exists when i should be searching for myself.

for those people who are attracted to me, why? why are they attracted to me? is it because they want to become me? is it because i hold characteristics and qualities that they wish they had? but that's the thing, this personality which i have is easy to duplicate, it is not special. if u know me, u can probably spot my doppelganger running around somewhere in KL. i really can not see what people see in me. i really dont understand why when i tell people not to fall in love with me, they do. i'm not blowing smoke up my own ass, it's just true.

i know i cant see the 'special' part of me who can touch people's lives like that or who can attract man, woman, dog and gerbils but i wish i could. i really wish i could see it...

These Are a Few of My Favourite Things

Favourite Colour: Orange/Marine-Blue
Favourite Animal: Penguins
Favourite Drink: Chrysanthemum Tea
Favourite Alco Drink: Long Island Iced Tea
Favourite Comedy: F.R.I.E.N.D.S.
Favourite Series: Six Feet Under
Favourite Car: My baby Gen-2
Favourite Game: Resident Evil/Final Fantasy 4
Favourite Smell: I'eau par Kenzo
Favourite Food: Lasange
Favourite Fruit: Watermelons
Favourite Cigarette: Peel
Favourite Book: Angels & Demons
Favourite Movie: Scary Movie
Favourite Boardgame: Monopoly
Favourite Gameshow: that grocery shopping gameshow...i forgot what it's called
Favourite Hand: My right hand
Favourite Flower: Jasmine
Favourite Tea: Jasmine Tea
Favourite Place: My Bedroom
Favourite Object in Favourite Place: My pillow!
Favourite Kiss: The Intimate Kiss
Favourite Part of The Face: My eyebrows
Favourite Part of The Body: too shy to say
Favourite Person: You, for taking the time to read this

Vote For Me

firstly: a warm thank you and a great big hug from me to my dear readers and my good friends. it's good to know someone out there still cares for u even though ur supposed "real" friends dont give a damn about whatever happens.

so i've been trying to get my life back on track again, the loss of my phone has struck me with a harsh blow towards my social life and my emotions. basically coz i connect my phone to my past and having my phone stolen is like having my past stolen by a complete stranger. but as a good friend said, take the loss of ur phone as the loss of all ur problems. strangely enough i do feel uplifted, as if my slate has been wiped clean. i feel like it is time to let go of my past as i preach to other people but never do it myself. it's time to dig a hole for my memories and my pain and cover it up with dirt. i will dig it up one day and reminisce, hopefully by then my braincells would still be working.

so moving on is good isnt it? i feel like now i've been given a second chance, to dominate the world and take away capitalism and impose communism. yes i'm a Gay Communist, i want to wear the same shirt that everyone wears and have no fashion sense. ^_^ actually communism does look good on paper...

i think i would make a good leader/president. yeah i would make all my associates and the people under me (literally "under" me) turn gay, they would have to go for a gay test to see if they pass on being gay. my militia would be armed with feminist butch lesbians cause they're scary and whoever dares oppose me will be thrown into a S&M dungeon unless they are into S&M then i'll throw them into a Scat/Golden Shower cell where they'll be swimming constantly in a vat of green shit and yellow piss.

drug users/abusers will be punished if caught. they will have a punishment which i call Death By Drugs (literally), where they have to consume 10 E tablets, 5 doses of cocaine, two bottles of poppers shoved up their nostrils and 500g of morphine straight into their blood system.

sex offenders/paedophiles will also get punished. if caught they will go through a series of molestation and sodomy done by proffessional deformed 12 year olds with 11 inch cocks. yes it will not be a pretty sight.

every saturday will be declared Gay Day and there'll be parties with different themes held at the end of every month. all bars and clubs will be considered gay bars and gay clubs. there'll only be one bar and club for straighties.

so vote for me: your favourite Gay Communist - Ethan Lim

Stolen Mobile Phone

my mobile phone got stolen by some idiot. sigh, what a great evening and to top my day off, i think i'm falling sick. my throats been acting up and i can feel my body being drained by the bacteria inside of me.

so if i dont write in my blog or check my fridae for the next few days, dont bother calling me cause my phone's gone. whoop-dee-do! -_-;

oh right...my gay friends please read this:
leave me a msg on msn or on fridae with ur name and number, i will jot it down and save it.

any ideas for a good flip phone?

Confessions of a University Student

i got kicked out of class today, apparently reading books in tutorials are shunned upon and it's rude to the class and the people who are presenting.

i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, not feeling too happy and upset over a dream that i cant remember, i got dressed and went to my class (a rare sight indeed). sitting in the tutorial was a utter bore and listening to the presenters rant on about the internet isnt exactly my idea of a great time. being moody and wanting to keep to myself, i took out a book my friend lent me and i started reading, occassionally looking up and listening to them continue to talk about online porn popping up. at the end of the presentation the lecturer asked me to get out from his class, yeah he repeated the same thing as i wrote above and i backfired him with a "no, i think i shouldnt leave because i wasnt disrupting the class and i was listening occassionally". he told me off and told me to get out, so admitting defeat (he has to grade my assignments btw...) i said fine and i walked out of the class.

feeling angry and embarrassed, i sought comfort in the arms of the university personal couselor. i spoke to her about my problems and hoped that this being my last ray of hope could give me some proffessional advice and get my life back on track. i spoke to her about my friends, i spoke to her about university life, i spoke to her about my family, i spoke to her about my relationships, i wasnt able to pour my heart and soul within an hour but i gave her an insight to my life. being a proffessional counselor, she wasnt allowed to be emotionally attached to anyone who went to see her, but she shed a few tears for me and gave me a hug which made me feel alot better. i came out of the room with a load off my shoulder, i felt like i have passed it on to someone else and i was thankful for that. but the moment i stepped into my car the load came back again and i just felt so lonely.

driving back home was a chore...i wanted to just go back home and crawl underneath the covers and hide for eternity. but i guess writing is my only escape to the real world. a world where problems and pressure are the baggage i carry.

remember, evil doesnt only exist in fairy tales, it exists in people as well...

Ante Up

Forgiveness
Is all about saying sorry
To forgive is divine
So let's just have a glass of wine
And have make-up sex
Til the end of time...time...time...time...timeeeeee

Lyrics by Anna Faris (From the movie Just Friends)

things are starting to pick up in life. although i havent 100% fully recovered from the emotional distress i went through, i just know it's getting better. with good friends around me and knowing that people do care, it just lifts my spirits up and gives me confidence to do much more.

so my market value hasnt dropped yet suprisingly enough. it has just shifted from one end to the other. how funny life turns out to be. i was at this karaoke bar and funnily enough it turned out to be really packed so the people who worked there were really nice, they shifted the tables and we ended up sitting on this really high table top thing with everyone staring at me and my friend danial. being uncomfortable with so many roaming eyes just focusing on our table coz it's alot higher than the normal ones, i began to sink into this deep side of myself and i became self conscious of what i did. suprisingly enough someone by the name of Adrian gave me his number. i dont know who it was coz he passed it to one of the people who worked there to pass it to me and this guy didnt tell me who it was. so Adrian, if u're reading this, i lost the paper with ur number on it and thanx so much for passing it to me. it made me feel better about myself

so right, i met new friends and i had a great time singing in front of people and have them yell out MORE! it's fun to listen to people to sing as well. geez, i never knew that many gay people can sing...and pretty well too! anyways it was fun, i met a nice chap thru a friend on friday night. had drinks with him yesterday and he turned out to be...somewhat different from the people i usually meet. sadly enough, i cannot afford to invest my feelings in him because he's leaving to the US/Aus soon. but whatever i tell myself i just cant stop thinking about him. i have forgotten how he looks like...only a feeling.

i cant do anything. my hands are tied. i know if i loosen the knots and let myself go, i will end up getting hurt again with him leaving me. so i might as well just crawl underneath my covers and hope that i dont develop intense feelings...

A Simple Kiss

i know i've been writing quite a bit about kissing lately, so this is my...i think 5th? or 100th installment of what the perfect kiss is. i'm not saying that i'm a great kisser, i'm not saying that i'm the best kisser in the world but i'm pretty decent when it comes to kissing...so here goes

kissing should be intimate at first, the locking of two lips, the soft sound of the lower lip parting away from the higher lip. the tip of the tongue slowly licking the top/bottom lips and retreating back into the mouth. this is what i call an intimate kiss, where u actually feel the connection between urself and ur partner. for me this is the best part of kissing and as i wrote earlier before in my entries, i crave and yearn for kisses like these.

the next part is the french kiss, or what i would like to call passionate kiss. it's when the tongue comes into play and when both tongues come together, it's like the flicker of the tips of the tongue. i dont think it should be very long so for me i tend to let it mingle for a few seconds before pulling it back.

Kissing No Nos

this i must say is what guys usually do and i havent exactly kissed all the guys out there but i have kissed a fair share and i do declare that some are horrid, but this is purely for entertainment reasons, doesnt mean that people dont enjoy it. just that i dont....anyways let's continue

i believe the sucking of both the lips are a no no. it's like someone's trying to enhale both ur lips and it kinda hurts. plus u get saliva everywhere and i'm sorry to say but sometimes u get the smell of bad saliva and it's a really big turn off.

oh rite...on the topic of sucking...no one should ever try and suck the tongue with full force. that's just painful and it's...just not good.

thirdly, no one should just stick their tongue inside someone else's mouth and just leave it there. it's like a cold fish and it's not exactly "kiss-friendly". i just think that it's rude.

okay last Kissing No Nos: do not even try to lick everything u see. the lips, the cheeks, the face, the nose, etc etc. that is just foul...especially when u've eaten something nasty like GARLIC or DURIAN or some crap. that's one thing i cannot tolerate.

So there you go, your very own Ethan's Kissing Tips Class 101.

My Lips...Like Warm Coffee

Remember I miss you
However, I am happy
Now you will still be able do well
Like how hard the practice was, next time for sure
You will avoid guys like me
Hopefully it will be a thoughtful, smooth and warm guy
He will completely satisfy your parents
And make them comfortable
Without one single tear to cry
Without hurting a single time
Without pain, I hope you will love peacefully

Don't cry, it's already a thing in the past
Although it may hurt to let go
It's only a point in life that goes against the rules
Although it may be a time that is longer than any other
As you live life, it's a point that everyone goes through
Although you won't be able to accept it easily
It is only a process to become an adult
It is only a process.

Drunked Words From A Disfunctional Boy

i'm drunk. and i hate this feeling. i had 3 beers during dinner with my relatives, some of which came back from U.K. with her boyfriend and her friend kelly who i think had a nose job but i asked and she supposedly didnt. anyways yes i'm pretty much drunk and it's taking me some time to type this out with out any typos or anything i want haunting me till the day i die.

so after dinner i came back to my house feeling good when i realized i still had a bottle of chivas tucked away in the corner of my cupboard. i poured myself a drink and sipped away while everyone sat in our living room and started chatting away. i had only one drink when my cousin said she was tired and wanted to go back to my uncle's place where she was spending the night along with her boyfriend Steve and Kelly. so i finished my drink and headed into my room where i spent the next few hours just feeling lonely and depressed. i decided, hey! i'm not going to be one of those people who spend the night at home staring blankly at the wall and wondering what went wrong in their lives, i'm gonna sit in this very chair i'm sitting now and drink myself till i get really drunk and pass out!

it seemed like a really good idea till i wondered what movie i should watch. Danial burnt me a dvd with some movies to watch so i put it on and i watched Rumour Has It, with Jennifer Aniston and the guy whom i think is really really cute and i would love to bite his lower lip...oh gosh i miss kissing someone. oh right before i start ranting on about kissing let me just say i loved the movie, and it was really funny and touching...especially when you're drunk. yeah i started tearing when she confronted her fiance (forgive me alright? my hormones run all over the place when i'm drunk, it's like i'm pregnant and almost about to give birth)

so right...kissing...i know i wrote this before but let me just say how i miss kissing. i just love it, the teasing of the tongue, the touch of each other's soft lips...i just want so much to just grab a guy and just plant a good kiss on his lips. my lips yearn so much to feel another pair of soft...and lushious lips on mine. i just want to feel that sensation of intimacy with just one kiss. i just want to hear the sound of two lips locking with each other and the parting of them, the soft suckling sound...there's no other way to describe it but to call it...

The Hollywood Kiss

Closing, Closed, Closure

to look forward to the future, one must forget the past so in order for me to move one step closer to my dream life, i have to forget my history.

in a year's time, i'll be graduating from my degree and i've spoken to my parents about working here in malaysia for a couple of months and then moving to London. hopefully i'm able to either apply for PR there or get a work permit so i'm able to stay there for a couple of years and live my life where i would want to be. this has yet to be finalized.

i'm not the sort of person to be able to plan things out in the future but i guess i have to thank my past for teaching me how to appreciate the present and the future.

i'm pretty much done with malaysia, i have no reason to stay here any longer and i wish not to stay here for the rest of my life. for my future life to continue, this present life must end.

so move on Ethan, it's about time you should.

To Uncle, Thanks For Everything

The waves of life are suddenly still
And serenity is in the air
Where the wild birds fly in the sky
You can hear the sounds of the sea drifting in and out of the shore

Open your eyes and see the light in front of you
Feel the warmth of the embrace
Tranquility will guide you now
You are one with nature
You are...

Dedicated to Uncle; know that your family loves you and i will try my best to take care of them whenever i can.
Rest in peace.

Ask For More...?

recently i've been pondering over some thoughts that have been nagging me ever since i became single again. when dating a guy, what is it that i look for?

is it his attitude towards certain areas in life?
is it the weakness in him which attracts me?
or is it his charisma and the chemistry that we both have for each other?

i find myself going on dates and comparing them to an ideal picture perfect boyfriend, a benchmark if i may. but with pop culture's and society's take on capitalism, dare i say that we are not satisfied with whatever we've got? have we become immune to disposing boyfriends and equiping new ones in which we find are better? it's all like Role Playing Games, one starts off with a pathetic weapon and upgrades it to an even better one.

but the main question is this, should i not wait for Mister Right and go for Mister Right Now? should i settle for less? should i gamble my heart for someone who is less than perfect?

when dealing with my romantic life, should i throw my ideals out the window and be with someone just because?

Strange Dreams

whenever i sleep, i wake up every 1 or 2 hours just to grab something to drink or to move around the bed, so therefore i consider myself a troubled sleeper. it's not that bad coz i dont exactly annoy anyone sleeping next to me but it isn't great for me.

so i had two dreams, funnily enough they were separate coz i woke up after the first nightmare and then went back to sleep to get my second dream.

i'll try and write my dreams down in detail, i cant remember some parts but i'll try to write down as much as i could.

i was sitting at a table with a couple of friends, their faces blurred so i couldnt see them properly but from my gut feeling i knew they were my closest friends. yes we were sitting there talking about random stuff when i needed to go back to our hotel room to change. we took one of the lifts up to the room and i changed first and was waiting for them to finish getting dressed when i got fed up and told them i'll meet them back at the restaurant. i was walking down the eerie corridor and i felt as if someone or something was there along with me. chills ran up my spine and i walked even faster to get to the lift. pressing the button and getting into an empty lift, i felt even more tense since i was trapped in a confined area. the lift door closed and i backed myself up to the left side of the lift so i could get a clearer view of everything. i turned to my left to look at the back of the lift only to catch my reflection staring back at me. then i turned to my right to the reflective part of the door and i could see very clearly, a long haired woman in a black dress standing next to me. my heart sank and i felt my body go limp.

the lights started flickering. i blinked again to only see her move slowly, like one of those black and white movies she moved towards me with every flicker of the light. and then when she was about to touch me the lift door opened and i picked myself up from the ground and stumbled out of the lift only to see that i was not come out to the lobby area but i came out to the rooftop. i looked over my shoulder to see her materialize and follow me and laugh wickedly. she grabbed me with her pale and vieny arm and claimed me as hers. i was her victim and i had no where else to go. i begged for her to let me go but she wouldnt. i asked her for one last wish, to see my friends and say goodbye to them for one last time. she pondered for a bit before yanking me. instead of my body following her, it was my soul which she grabbed on to and my body crumpled up and fell to the floor like a marionette. i cried for her to release me but she wouldnt, she just carried on pulling my arm and into the darkness we went...

since this dream was longer than i expected i shall not venture on to the second one, but it's alot less scary than this one for sure. i woke up anticipating that i would see the woman in front of me! that was scary...

My High School Crush (2nd Installment of Growing Up)

It was still Form 4, if i could remember clearly, after the kiss i gave Aaron we had Job Week. Job week was basically finding a job for one week and learning whatever there is to learn and gain some working experience. i found a job at a cybercafe and basically sat there surfing the net for dumb things to put up in my website. it was the 2nd or 3rd day of job week when i recieved a call from Aaron asking me to go out and have dinner with him. i felt kinda weird with him asking me to go out for dinner but i accepted anyways. so i went over to his apartment (we lived near each other) and we had a quiet dinner in one of the restaurants that was open.

after dinner he brought me up to introduce his mother to me and took me into his room. i sat there on the bed and wondered what was going to happen next. my heart was beating fast and i could feel something was about to happen, but nothing did. we just sat there and chatted for a bit, i laid down next to him on his bed and i wanted so badly to caress his chiseled face with my fingers. i wanted to hold him and tell him that i liked him ever since he joined my school. i wanted to kiss his lower lip softly and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. but i didnt, i panicked and told him i needed to go home. i picked myself up from his bed and with a raging hard-on i left his apartment with my bag covering my crotch.

After high school, we all headed separate ways, some people went overseas to study, some people stayed here, i chose to go to Taylors College since some of my friends were going. Aaron went to Sunway instead and we hardly kept in touch due to the buffer between Sunway and Taylors.

then one fine day when i was lazing at home, i recieved a call from Aaron. he told me he didnt have his house keys and was wondering whether he could bum at my place till his mother got back home. i said yes and when i put down the phone i cleaned up my messy room in a rush. he came over and we just sat on my bed chatting while the haunting voice of Foo Fighters played softly on my stereo. i could smell his sweet scent, a mixture of his cologne and his sweat (he was jogging before he came over). i could tell he was tired and asked him to lay down on my bed for a while and take a nap. he laid there and continued to chat with me until he drifted off to sleep. i sat there looking at his face. i felt this yearn to lay down next to him and kiss his forehead, his eyelids, his nose, his cheeks, every part of his face. i wanted to lay my head on his chest and listen to the sound of his heartbeat and his light snoring and put my arms around his body. but being the scared, timid and foolish kid, i got dressed and i left him there on my bed with his head on my favourite pillow (now u know why i have a favourite pillow) and went out for a jog to clear my mind.

i was jogging around my area for a good hour and returned back to my house to grab a drink from my bottled water when i saw him come out with puffy bloodshot eyes. he thanked me for letting him crash at my house and mumbled something under his breath. i told he could come over anytime he wanted and we said goodbye. this was the last i ever saw of him. my high school crush, i can still remember his scent, his mellow voice, his haunting songs (he used to be in a band). how i wish i could see him again...

Growing Up

I didnt grow up gay, at the age of 7 i had a girlfriend during my Prep school days. her name was Min Yong and i thought she was the prettiest girl i've ever seen and i gave her a flower i found somewhere around the swings in my school. she left when i was 8 years old, totally broke my heart until this other girl Jennifer came along. Jennifer was sweet, i picked up another flower and gave it to her. that was when she took my flower and threw it away and claimed that i had cooties. everybody laughed. it was a tough year for me.

so yeah i transfered from Indonesia to Malaysia (dont get me wrong, i'm 100% Malaysian Chinese) and that was when all the politics started. i was new to school and i didnt know anyone and everyone picked on the new guy which was me. it was bad, i missed my prep school so badly. i needed a saviour, i needed a hero in my life, i basically needed someone to hide behind when the school bullies came along. that was the time when i started noticing my high school I.T. teacher. yeah he was cute and never gave me any shit in high school. i secretly had a crush on him until he left halfway through my high school.

i had a girlfriend named Shen Yi for a short period of time during the era of sexual confusion. during recess we would hang out with each other, right after school we would get ice cream and hug each other and when we went home we could call each other and talk about everything. that was when the teasing and the drama all began. not liking the attention that i was getting i slowly detached myself away from her and found other things to pre-occupy my time.

Form 4 came and so did this guy called Aaron Tan. he joined my class and sat next to me. he just transfered from his high school in America back to my high school in Malaysia and had this charisma about him which i fell in love with. we were very good friends until the popular SOBs brainwashed him into doing all sort of nonsense, but we still remained good friends. he went out with my good friend and she broke his heart (this good friend of mine grew up to be a lesbian). throughout the time they went out with each other my heart ached everytime i saw them together. after their breakup, he started going out with other girls and apart from seeing him in class, i didnt get to see much of him around.

Aaron Tan, my high school crush. i still remember the brief kiss we had during one of the dances in our school. he was going out with the grotesque Natalie and they were both sitting there outside the hall with a bunch of people. oh right before i continue on, there was this fashion statement in our school where bisexuality was in and heterosexuality and homosexuality was out, Celebrate the Best of Both Worlds we would say. yeah i cant say i didnt help start that fad in school. SO....anyways, i was going back home and so i said goodbye to him and natalie, so he gestured for me to come to him and i moved in closer and he said goodbye and leaned in. so i thought to myself "what a great time to kiss him", so i did it. and i pretended it wasnt a big deal and i just went off. my cheeks were burning red, i could feel the heat being released from my body. that was the one and only kiss i treasure and cherish and the memory of it will foever be locked away in my heart.

To Be Continued...

P.S. sorry guys i need to head off now but i will continue this tragic life story of mine for ur pleasure of reading it. ask me any questions if u're unclear of what happened. Thanks!

The Saturday Night Jigsaw Puzzle

so i managed to finalize what actually happened on saturday night after asking various people who were there last nite or happened to bump into me on the road when i was catching a cab.

okay the night went like this.
i was in this bar meeting up with a few friends and that's where i got drunk apparently. yeah that's true coz i dont remember anything after my 3rd long island, i cant hold my drink anymore apparently, totally turned into a light weight. so yes i sang a song with some guy which i think was the waiter, started ranting to random people etc etc. so there i was drunk as a lord and i met this guy called desmond. i dont know how but i got into a cab with him and he dropped me off at whynot, but before i got out of the cab, i shoved a fistful of cash at him and left.

so i got into whynot and managed to get my drink with andy and downed it. that was when i went wild and got up to the stage to dance. the only thing i remembered from there were the bright flashing lights which could probably cause seizures and fits. so yes i was dancing and apparently pulled a couple of people onto the stage and danced with them, got alittle over-friendly according to my sources and was pulled out of the club by andy. i was also saying hello to everyone who walked past me and before i could leave the club, i "planted a wet one" on a friend. so yes i continued to shock and scare passing pedestrians by saying hello and konichiwa and ahnyung.

that was when we managed to catch a cab and i was chatting with the taxi driver about football. i got back to the hotel and that was when the night of the living drunk passed out on his bed. i woke up and had no recollection of what happened the night before, all these facts were gathered from various sources.

Sakura Leaves

Like the sakura leaf, my heart is floating to the ground. dare i say it? dare i voice out loud my feelings and lift the shroud of depression that is resting on my soul?

heong, ku de sarang hap ni da

Hello Singapore~

Alright dudes and dudettes, i'm going to sleep and waking up and i'll be on my way to singapore. i wont have any internet access so, i'm sorry if u'd missed ur chance to see me. hahaha

so i'm off for a few days to have some fun in the sun and hopefully get to meet friends and drinking buds.

See you guys in singapore! and miss me back in malaysia!


Laterz

Counting Down The Days (2 More!!!!)

Listening
Waiting
Stillness
Completion...

Hi Dudes and Dudettes! 2 more days and i'll be in Singapore! Woot Woot~~~~ what a funny little expression.

i found myself listening to the pumping of my heart when the Italian match was going into stoppage time after 90 minutes and there were no goals made from either team.

and then there was the penalty kick for the italians which made me ecstatic and i waited for totti to ready his position. the air of concentration and pressure was so thick, one could slice it with a butter knife.

the world was still for a moment, the cafe where i was froze momentarily. i could hear prayers from people whom i dont know around me.

Totti runs, and raises his leg and shoots. HE SCORES!!!! The crowd goes wild and screams of joy were heard around SS2. The game is officially over and the italians even with one man down has beaten the australian with just one goal.

This is what made the FIFA World Cup fabulous to watch
This is what makes people cry with happiness
This is...FIFA World Cup

Untitled Number 22

Time flows by ever so slowly
I will await for my prince
By the lake I shall stand
Eternity, for it will come to pass

Am I being foolish?
Have I looked too far?
Is he standing before me?
Or has he disappeared from my life?

Questions left unanswered
A leaf following the breeze
My life as a spinning wheel
Of disappointments and illusions

An endless vortex of cigarette butts
An infinite flow of alcohol
Empty and hollow, my mind returns to sanity
As days melt into the sea of thoughts

Rest & Relaxation ~ Looking Forward

with all my assignments handed in and my major exam done, it's basically one more stupid little exam and then i'm home free! it's time to kick off my blue suede shoes and hop into my red ruby slippers. so shove off Dorothy, it's my time to skip down the yellow brick road.

so i'm looking forward to my trip to Singapore. there's nothing that can stop me now from having the best time there. so guys, instead of sending me hearts, how bout an e-mail with ur name and preferably a picture on ur profile and a simple "hello, i would like to get to know you" would be nice.

oh and if any of u guys who's e-mailed i havent replied yet, it's not because i dont like you or anything, i am really forgetful and i dont remember whether i have sent u an e-mail yet...well u probably wouldnt be reading this anyways but i'm still gonna say it. I'M SORRY for not replying. please do remind me.

Happy 22nd Birthday To Myself

just wishing myself a happy birthday, yeah it's kinda pathetic to be online and writing in my diary and wishing myself a happy birthday yaddi yaddi yah.

the birthday curse still lives on, despite having alittle suprise thrown by 3 very good friends. the exam, the assignment, the incessant calls from my parents screaming at me to come back home just makes a boy feel loved and happy, not.

i just wanna thank u guys for cheering me up and sending me e-mails and smses and calls to wish me a happy birthday. it's still early and i hope i dont jinx myself, but i just wish for this day to pass by quickly. if only...

Birthday Blues

i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, feeling depressed and very down, i just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and there's no where to run away from it.

i guess it's the fact that my birthday is coming up, and reminicsing about my birthdays in the past hasnt exactly been a joyride for me. i've never had a birthday where i felt happy or satisfied or even remotely content. at the age of 6 or 7, my family and i went to Bali on a family trip as well as to spend my birthday there, i remember vividly the screams and the shouting from my mother and father at each other while i sat in the corner huddled with my sister crying. finally she couldnt take it anymore and started arguing with them as well. so i just sat there and wished myself happy birthday while i cried myself to sleep.

on my 11th birthday, i had no friends who celebrated with me since i just came back from Malaysia to continue my studies as well as my dad being relocated back here. i felt alone cause my sister wasnt exactly coping with school well and went into her shell, my father was trying to re-adjust his life, my mother was taking care of the financial issues, they had forgotten my birthday. so there i was again, alone in my bedroom trying to get to sleep and wishing the horrible day that is my birthday would end.

the birthdays that came after that just went downhill from there. i just didnt bother celebrating my birthday anymore, what's the point? it's next week monday when i hit 22 and i'm celebrating it in an exam hall. after that it's just gonna be me and my pillow and it'll be on my way to dreamland throughout the day.

Portugal Pains

mother^$*^%&#*&%#&*@! i expected portugal to whoop angola's ass back to where it came from. the first 20 seconds was when it all started, the excitement and the adrenaline pumping into systems, coz ronaldo (young and cute and oh-so-arrogant) went straight out for a quick goal. my figo is gettin a bit old, cant really run anymore but i still love him. bloody mistakes were made everywhere! if they're gonna play this badly throughout the group matches i'm gonna start crying sometime soon. sigh

speaking of sighing, my feelings have turned the other way around now, instead of feeling down in the gutter and listenin to the blues, i feel alot better suprisingly. i guess it's coz all the matches are finally taking my mind off of everything. i guess this is my way of relaxing...yelling at the screen and calling them dumb****s and shi-bai-lo-maS. hahahaha i'm just happy now that my mind's at ease, i dont have to think so much about what to do with particular people for about 9 hours and finally i get to stand still with the world for those mere seconds where the ball launches into the air and straight into the net. excellent~~~~

someone funny told me today that footballers are like gays. there's the strikers who are the tops, the defenders who are the bottoms and the midfielders who are versatile. the goalies are the diva queens with their hands up in the air like "Uh-uh, speak to the hand coz the face aint listenin biatch" with the three snaps. and you get the referee who's always "blowin" the whistle and giving out yellow cards and have the ability to OUT a player. okay i sorta spoilt the joke, but it was hilarious when i heard it. since it's 5.30AM in the morning i'm allowed to make horrible jokes which arent funny or re-tell funny jokes which arent amusing to the reader.

okay i guess i should be logging off sometime soon coz i have a date with my handsome pillow. ta-ta

Rantings Of A FIFA Fantatic

so there i was sitting for about 10 hours watching one match after another. i had fun at Yippee Cup SS2, it's gay friendly and owned by pretty cool people. plus one of the waiters there is so adorable looking, and is a sight for sore eyes.

yes i am gay, i'm havent turned into a full-on lesbian yet. i do watch football and i do rant about it, but i only watch FIFA World Cup. i'm lucky that some of my gay friends do watch FIFA as well.

so england won! YAYYY!!! but disappointing that it's the Paraguay team which scored their own goal. bloody annoying that once they are in the lead or winning that they'll just defend throughout the whole game.

now the second match...that was a real big f*ck up. what the hell were the swedish thinking!?!?!? they had so many chances to bloody score and they made so many mistakes, it's not even funny. i got so agitated at them and it was such a frustrating game, but u gotta hand it to the other team, they were defending like hell. bloody hell Avery John was already carded and sent off during the first half of the game and yet they still couldnt score a goal. GRRRRR stupid Larson and Ljunberg...but they tried their best i guess. ARGH it was just frustrating.

the third match was fun to watch, since it was pretty much the three of us being the patrons and the rest being the waiters and the owners of Yippee Cup. i wanted Argentina to win and when they were leading with 2 - 0, they were bloody con acting their way through to delay time. stupid argentinians, bloody fakers all of them. it was quite suprising to see Ivory Coast to score a goal at the second half of the game, which made it very kan-cheong (exciting) to watch. hahaha but at the end of the day it was quite a fun match to watch.

so next match to watch? (Msian Time)
Serbia & Montenegro VS Netherlands (neutral)
Mexico VS Iran at 12AM (i support neither team)
Anglo VS Portugal at 3AM (PORTUGAL!!!)

Jaded Emotions

my feelings, i just dont what or how to feel rite now. it's funny how sudden my mood shifts from being happy to ecstatic to sad in a matter of hours. i dont know what shifted my mood or triggered it to swing drastically from one to another, but all i know is that my mood swings are getting worse.

i dont know how to cure it, i dont know how to change myself from being like this, i just want it to stop. i wish i could just stop time for a couple of hours and just let me stand still there and listen to silence.

everytime i'm done with my showers, i would just tell myself mentally that i will not let this get the best of me, i'm fun to be around with, i'm supposedly forever happy and bubbly, but what is inside no one knows. it's hard for me to share my feelings with people. it's hard for me to say to my friends, "i'm unhappy with everything around me" because all they'll do is just remind me that my life is better than others and i'm still young i should just look forward. i dont want to listen to crap like that, i just want them to listen and acknowledge the fact that i have this dark side of me that's swallowing me whole. instead i have to live in this bubble i created for myself and play out this fascade.

sometimes i drift up from my body and just look at myself and wonder, what the hell are u doing now? i've put on this mask for so long that it's fused with my face and it hides away my true feelings. i cant seem to trust anyone with anything coz i'm scared. i'm scared that people will see the ugliness, the sorrow, the pain and they'll expose this side of me to everyone. to answer ur question in ur mind right now, yes i have been betrayed before, and up to now it still happens. what else to do than to hide my true self and bring out the marionette for people to play with?

i listen, i give, i entertain, what else can a friend ask for?

Turn Me On

Like a flower waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb in a dark room
Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come on home and turn me on

My poor heart
It's been so dark
Since you been gone
After all you're the one who turns me off
But you're the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes
I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come on home and turn me on

Turn me on

Expectations Only Lead To Disappointment

it's been a while since i've updated my diary, and thank u to all the people who took the time to read my diary and who sent me an e-mail commenting on it. yes i do like to write, this is the only way and place where i am able to vent out my frustration, my sadness, my depression, my happiness, my experiences and my thoughts.

i'm thinking of moving down to UK to be with my relatives and maybe live there for a year or so after i graduate. it's been my dream to find someone whom i can really be myself with and whom i can trust and share my life with, move down to london with him and just live there for a couple of years.

i've been going on dates, meeting guys and not to mention weirdos who keep changing their fridae account and adding me and e-mailing me, it's this 19 year old mixed dude from JB who's completely a freak. well anyways yeah i have been going on dates, dates which dont really have a lasting impression on me.

it's usually me not really into him, and him really into me, that, i dont get. i'm just wondering how out of the 8 relationships i had, why does it always have them liking me first and me not that interested in them? the ones that i like, i lose interest very quickly, the ones that i have no interest in seem to fall for me.

i just want to meet someone whom i'm attracted to emotionally and physically and mentally, i recently met someone who could but he was attached unfortunately but i did manage to have a really great chat with him. i dont need to be with someone smart, if i wanted someone smart i would probably go for my lecturer, i guess i just need someone whom i can really talk to...about everything.

i dont expect much, i dont want to expect much, cause expectations only lead to disappointment, and i cant bear to be disappointed again....no not again.

60123241759 Things I Want (but cant have...sadly enough)

I want to read a good book
I want recommendations of good books to read
I want to sleep peacefully every night
I want people to stop calling me when i'm asleep
I want a new handphone (S.E. 900i)
I want a new car (Honda CRV/Audi TT)
I want the ability of having good parking skills
I want to park anywhere i wish to park
I want to go places
I want to go to london and live there for a couple of years
I want to be with a man i love living in london for a couple of years
I want a relationship
I want that relationship to last forever
I want to love my man for being him
I want to take care of my man when he's down
I want to cook for him every week and have him taste my horrible or probably good concoctions
I want to hug him to sleep every night and tell him i love him more than anything in the world
I want to have my first dance with him in public
I want our song to be Diana Krall's The Look of Love
I want to be married to this man
I want to get a place of my own with him
I want a dog in the house and a maid to clean up after him
I want the life that has still yet to come
I want to be a better person

and lastly i want to thank you for taking the time to read this.

Stimulation of the Greater Mind

i had a really intense chat with a guy called Pang last nite, an editor of an online magazine and so cute, but what attracted me to him was the fact that he could carry on an intelligent conversation without seeming arrogant or come off as stuck up. we chatted into the wee hours of the morning and some of the subjects we both brought up were quite interesting and just struck a chord in me.

analyzing myself, i have a good life. i was blessed with the ability to communicate and voice out my opinions and have social skills. i pretty much had a platinum plated spoon stuck in my mouth ever since i was young. to grow up the way i am now, i think i did good. by the way this is not tooting my own horn, i'm just evaluating my life.

i shouldnt ask for more, i have wonderful friends, a great family (they could be better and stop pestering me to turn straight) and wonderful yet tragic experiences which taught me to be the person i am now. why should i ask for a relationship with someone i love when i love my friends and i know very well they love me too? why should i ask to spend my life with someone when i know that it's going to end disastrously and i could just spend my remaining time with friends and family?

i ask all these questions and yet sitting here right now and typing furiously, i know i want a relationship, i know i want to be loved not only by my friends but with someone i can share my deepest and darkest part of me with, someone who i can rely on to hold me tight when i'm feeling down or scared, someone to kiss me goodnight.

Alcoholic Asylum

sitting here with a cup filled with ice and a couple of shots of whiskey and water, i feel...complete. i used to sit in my room or sit outside my lounge area and just watch television and or listen to music while i slowly sip my drink and just think to myself.

i drink to make myself feel better. i take a shot to numb all the pain. i down the cup to feel something apart from sadness. i raise my glass to those who dont need alcohol in their life.

haha. call me pathetic or sad or whatever you want, but that's me. sometimes i just like to spend alone time with myself and just try to blur reality for a minute and enjoy the moment. these are the confessions of an alcoholic.

as i start pondering about how fun it would be to do this and do that, i lift my cup to my parted lips. the liquid, touching my soft lips, was as cold as death due to the amount of ice i put in, but funnily enough when it slides down my throat it warms my whole body into numbness. this numbness is transmitted into my emotions and is sent up to my brain where it blurs my vision and creates a whole new feeling of being...me. my whole body is filled with heat with the alcohol churning into my system like a spinning wheel. i continue to pour the half empty bottle of Chivas into my cup and topped it up with water.
how i love this feeling, the feeling of deadness and lacking of sensations overwhelms me. it makes me tranquil...almost like it was meant to be. dizziness is coming over me soon, i can feel it in myself.

i could almost watch myself drowning in a sea of serenity...

Bed Banter & Beyond

oh gosh i've been so exhausted from almost everything! i havent been getting enough sleep, a friend scared me and told me something really ridulous happened to him, going out late at nights to accompany a friend who has taken one and a half weeks leave really takes it outta ya. WHEW~ i'm so glad my semester's almost over...just another few more days then final assignments, final exams, final research paper, final wonderment of whether the person who married Drew Barrymore's brother in 50 First Dates is actually a man or a woman, final oral presentation and then voila~ i'm done and holidays here i come.

i'm planning to go away...like far away. i wanna go to...some place asian-y, like Hong Kong (again) or Taiwan (again) or Korea, but as i need to polish up my cantonese, mandarin and korean i dont think i can head there anytime soon.

my lips are still lonely and my bed is still empty apart from all my pillows that i pile up to shape like a person. yes to have a good nite's sleep i have to lie to myself and tell myself there's someone next to me everynite, not like it works anyways. i just end up kicking or punching or elbowing the pillows only to see a roomful of feathers flying all over the place.

so i go online and i write or i start chatting with people who are online at an unGODly hour and complain and rant and yell and talk about my feelings, only to realize that they are awake and were put to sleep or slowly foaming at the corner of their mouths or maybe they're sitting there pondering about the best way to die and probably thinking and cursing "ETHAN LIM I KNEW U WOULD BE THE DEATH OF ME!".

well yes, i cause deaths where ever i go, whomever i touch turns to insanity and starts spasming uncontrolably, when i speak they just turn deaf and blood just starts spurting out of their ears.

i am a guy of many words, and hopefully u dont sue me for trauma, and please stop mailing me ur medical bills or psychologist/psychiatrist fees.
Thank You!

Psycho Therapy

oh please oh please, please please please stop asking me whether i'm in Singapore today or something. i've been getting a ridiculous amount of e-mail asking me, hey are u in Singapore now? i wrote June! JUNE!! it comes before July and right after May. Noooo please dont cause my brain to implode. why dont u people read what i wrote??? it's so sad to know that u would probably read like...20% of what i wrote, and it probably has to do with sentences with words like SEX or FETISH or ANAL or SUCK MY BIG BLACK SCHLONG. fuck my ass and let me ride u like a horse, and make me scream and moan and lets have jack rabbit sex with the pow pow pow pow pow pow pow and the oh yeah oh wow oh yes! suck my cock till i explode and let me cum all over myself or ur face. slap ur face with my hard cock and.......oh.....i think i got a bit carried away there....eeps

the past few days have been quite hectic and i've been trying to re-live my younger years of not sleeping for over 40 hours and still being okay with it. with eyebags the size of garbage bags, i've been walking around like a zombie through the halls of my university trying not to pass out from exhaustion. funny thing is through these days of non-sleeping, i've been meeting up with good people and talking about nonsense which doesnt really make sense to me right now but totally made sense at the time. to think about it i may have made some of the situations up in my head, thinking this because i remember clearly asking my mom to send me to uni coz i aint cut out for driving today and i was waiting in the car reading some of my readings and she came out and asked me what the hell i was doing. she told me i didnt ask her to send me to uni i just waltzed past her and just got into the car.

hahaha ok i'm delirious and i hallucinate. so sue me, i make things fun for people!

oh rite, here's an update for people who read my entry religiously and worship me and have a little shrine dedicated to me in the corner of their room, how freaky is that? we currently found and booked a place to stay; the Gallery Hotel, it's a fantastic place to live in i think coz i viewed the rooms through the website and it looked very clean and simple and fabulous. so sorry guys who have offered me a place to stay but thank you so much for offering. we're basically waiting to book our bus ticket cause of a friend who hasnt gotten back to me on whether she can take leave. so yeah everything's in control rite now, we're just waiting for the day to come.

Lonesome Lips & Laryngitis

it's been a while since my lips have touched another person's. i would consider myself a good kisser, i love the lower lip and i love to softly suck on it for a second or two. teasing my partner's tongue with my tongue and locking my lips with his to make the soft smacking sound. i've kissed enough people to know that i dont like people sucking on my tongue like they are gonna suck it right off.

sigh, i've never kissed someone until my lips feel so raw and i crave for more. actually there was, but it was one of my exes and he wasnt exactly the best. my lips now crave for rawness, i wanna feel the passion, the softness, the teasing of lips and tongues, the texture of perfect luscious lips. argh i crave for it so badly. sigh, it's days like these when i wish i had someone here to be with me.

so yeah i think i'm coming down with laryngitis, which means the losing of the voice for a few days. maybe coz mine is cracking and it's getting softer. the last time i had it was terrible, i sounded like some teenager going thru puberty with his voice cracking and stuff, and i couldnt even speak properly. that was bad so i'm hoping that i wont be speaking much these few days for my classes.

i've not been myself lately and i do apologise to everyone and those people who have sent me mails or spoken to me on msn, my pms stage isnt exactly over but i've been good and not trying to snap at anyone. yeah i'm good like that. heh!

sigh i have to finish off my antibiotics which is a killer coz it's really potent and makes me feel sorta queasy...but i have to finish it according to my doctor so down my throat it goes.

gonna pass out soon from all the medication i'm taking so...i should stop here before i start talking about flying horses and film noirs. laterz

Singing in Singapore Part 3 - Friends

so the 6 days i spent in sg was great despite the taxi incidents in Part 1 and Part 2. i still enjoyed myself and i find that people ask me that whenever i tell them that i'm malaysian. anyways i met really really really great people this time 'round in sg.

i met up with 'drew again. i love him so much, he's like an older brother to me, always accompanying me to legend. he's the best. ronnie was there at legend too the first night. ahh i missed his ultra-cool-and-manly exterior and his voice. did i mention that 'drew and ronnie and pretty much most of the gay people in singapore have excellent voices?

zebastian...what can i say about him? BITCHY! hahaha no he's the best. 30, flirty and thrivin. he was sweet enough to accompany me bar hopping and everything, and i outted him out to his cousin. HAHAHA i didnt mean for it to happen, i didnt know wesley was his cousin which was who 'drew brought to have drinks with us one night. but honestly i had a great time with Z. he's one cool dude.

colin, sweet and nice colin who accompanied me that night of the Pervert Taxibalooza. too bad he had to work on sat otherwise we could have met up more. my saviour in a black subaru. hahaha

sean and jindy, they are so nice. they were so sweet as well. and honestly these two people can sing very well. heck most of sg can sing well. but S&J were really sweet to me and kept me entertained and was my company.

bernard, kelvin, george and alvin. great folks who asked me to join them when i was alone in Xpose coz stupid Z needed to go home coz he had to teach or something like that. stupid Z. anyways these guys were great, they not only embraced a stranger into their group, they were sweet as well. ^_^

gabe & bf, i forgot his name. gabe spent the whole day with me when i had nothin to do. he brought me to borders where i got my books i wanted to read and i spent the days reading at Heren. at least that gave me some company!

a shoutout to all of u guys & gals out there as well, nigel, cynthia, david, edwin, peter, nick, wesley, willie and wayne. if i forgot anyone i'm sorry, i'm exhausted and need some rest. i hoped i could stay in sg longer...maybe i'll go back sooner than i think...just maybe.....

SG Tales from a Gay Boy

been really busy lately, right after my trip to singapore i was thrown into the busy lifestyle of working immediately. so let me retrace my steps of what happened in SG, these are tales from a gay boy

so i was sitting on a bus for 5 hours only to get stopped at customs for bringing in cigarettes. i was lucky the officer let me go with a small fine and i'm not sure whether my name is on the blacklist or not. that was a really bad day since my bus left me at immigration and i had to wait for the next bus to pick me up. so i frantically called my hotel several times to annoy them and tell them that i will need a late check-in. so when i reached my hotel i was pooped, i didnt sleep the night before and i was seriously pooped. the room was decent, although the bathroom could use a little expansion. i took a nap till about 9 and then headed out to oso alone to meet a friend.

upon reaching oso, i realized i'm really early so i sat down and talked to a cute waiter named Justin for a while, ordered a couple of Long Islands (i think i had 3). i was yabbering away and was high when my friend desmond reached. i couldnt remember much of the night after that, the only thing i remember was going to WhyNot to dance the night away.

the second day was better, i woke up with a major headache at 7AM in the morning, took a shower and headed out to sit at heeren and read the entire day. went back to the hotel for a nap and went out for dinner with friends and ended up at oso bar again, trying to flirt with Justin but ended up doing a really bad job at it. went to WhyNot, danced till i fell off the stage on to someone almost killing them, yeah i was kinda high when that happened and i woke up with a big bruise on my foot the next day. i didnt exactly fall of the stage, i jumped and landed on uneven landing and lost my balance. oh right and i managed to burn someone with my cigarette that night as well, it was an accident though and i apologised for it.

i met a guy, he was cute, good personality and had the most amazing eyes i have seen. he was so sweet and i think for that short period of time, i fell in love and i hit rock bottom. i told myself it's just a summer fling, nothing good can come from this, but the heart goes where it wants to go, even though a sea of shattered glass if it wants to. but i must thank him, for at least giving me hope that good guys still do exist and that i can still be loved.

SG Tales from a Gay Boy (Part 2) -Updated-

on sunday i met up with my old friend Andrew and zebastian and had drinks with them at Legend. it was a quiet night, we had the whole place to ourselves and it was scary. the streets were deserted, it was like walking through a ghost town, the only thing i could hear was the buzzing of the neon lights that were hung up at bars. anyways after that Zeb and i left for the new club called Attica, we arrived early and managed to get a spot at the bar since there was an event from Trevvy that involved models, underwear, etc. (yawn). yeah i was bored out of my mind but i did manage to spot at least one cute guy out of the crowd. and he was so cute...and i think he grabbed my bottom cause he was standing next to me. well i left to get some fresh air and ended up sitting outside with zeb chatting.

on monday i woke up early again and spent the whole day at heeren reading, i finished my book and walked to Borders to get a few good books to read. it was there where i met my friend darren and also this other cute guy working behind the information counter. he was unbelievably gorgeous...at least to me.

i can still remember it like it was yesterday, the guy at borders, his skin was like snow, white and smooth, his eyes seem to gaze into my soul for that brief moment, his smile melting my cold exterior away. he was wearing a black short sleeve shirt and 3/4 pants and sport shoes that made his yummy legs look thinner. he made me want to get close to him and softly kiss his neck and do very very naughty and sensual things to him. oh good gracious i seem to have trailed to the beyond. anyways i bought my books, had a drink with darren and then met up with andrew again for yet another drinking session which led me to the path of drunkedness again.

the next day i had to leave, but i had a few hours to spare so i went to borders in hope that i would see him again for even just one second, but he wasnt working that day...so i walked around orchard aimlessly window shopping...yes it wasnt as exciting as my last few trips to sg but i had fun!

Dirty Dancing & Dreaming

i watched Shinobi last nite on dvd, omg it was awesome! scenes were alittle short but u get the feeling of long-windedness along with many many japanese movies but Shinobi was pretty cool. maybe coz it reminded me of the first anime i watched which was called Ninja Scrolls, there was this girl who was fed poison all her life so she wasnt given the choice to have sex with guys or to kiss someone that she loves, without them dying of course. and then there was the feminine looking guy, with this long black hair that never seems to fall out of place and he uses some sort of black threads or hair or something to whip at people, hahah to think about it now, talking or writing about it sounds pretty hilarious but when it boils down to watching it, i guess if u're into flying people who can fight and at the same time fly to the next country and need horses to travel short distances, then this is the movie for u.

all in all i give it a 8/10
coz the movie didnt highlight what was the most important part, which was the Eyes of Destruction, they only showed it once which was pretty pathetic. people died really fast and there wasnt much of a character that me being the viewer could define with. but scenes were beautifully shot and costumes were pretty cool.

oh rite, before i close off i just wanted to record down my dream i had just now. it was kinda weird coz i think we were in bangkok or thailand or somewhere. i'm quite sure it was somewhere in thailand. anyways it was me at first, i couldnt find a table so i sat with a couple of strangers, non-locals as well and they were partying and having fun, oh btw the scene looked like it was in a bar with karaoke in it. so it was dark and i was waiting there apparently for someone, and first Liyana came, i dont know why i dreamt of her, i havent seen her in yonks and i havent spoken to her in ages. yeah she came and was looking for me and i called her name and she saw me and sat down rite next to me. so we were busy chatting and i havent ordered my drink yet and out pops Audrey, and she sits down and starts yapping her head off as usual.

so i'm sitting there, feeling thirsty and looking for a waiter so i asked them both did they get their drinks at the bar or with a waiter? they said at the bar, and there was this guy sitting next to me who said yeah what would u like? i'll go get it for u. so i said no it's alright i'll go get it myself and i looked again to my left to see whether there were any waiters going around and strangely enough there was one short taking people's orders. so i waved at him and he came and the guy sitting next to me stood up and spoke to the waiter and gave him like...i think 20 dollars or some thing. so the waiter came to me and asked what would i like to drink. i told him and i took the money from the waiter and gave it back to the guy and said something like no u shouldnt buy me drinks, i'm sorry but next time alright? he insisted and went over to the bar itself and instead of the waiter bringing me my drink, he bought me a bottle which surprisingly enough...not what i would like to drink...was tequila. so after that i woke up and i felt strange. was i living in someone else's shoes? coz i remember the money that i took out from "my" wallet looked like someone elses...

funny i just cant point my finger at it..