If I.....

If i were a month, i would be:
June

If i were a day of the week, i would be:
Friday

If i were a time of day, i would be:
7AM

If i were a planet, i would be:
Neptune

If i were a direction, i would be:
Right

If i were a liquid, i would be:
Water

If i were a stone, i would be:
Pearl

If i were a flower/plant, i would be:
Jasmine

If i were a kind of weather, i would be:
Unpredictable & tempermental

If i were a mythical creature, i would be:
Phoenix

If i were a sound, i would be:
Silence

If i were a song, i would be:
Tori Amos' haunting song, Sleeps With Butterflies

If i were a position, i would be:
Doggy-style

If i were a place, i would be:
Utopia

If i were a subject, i would be:
Subjected

If i were a sauce, i would be:
Yummy

If i were a food, I would be:
The fish with the bones that gets stuck in your throat

If i were a car, i would be:
BMW 5 Series

If i were a slogan, I would be:
Enter Here or No Parking

If i were a religion, i would be:
Wiccan

If i were a word, i would be:
Dream

If i were a taste, i would be:
Bittersweet

If i were a music instrument, i would be:
Guitar

If i were a movie, i would be directed by:
Wong Kar Wai

If i were a book, i would be written by:
Stephen King

If i could be anything in the world, i would be:
Snow

Cultural & Communications Policies

i went for class today thinking that i was able to grasp whatever the lecturer had for me, i was confident that i would be able to understand what the uni-browed woman was chattering frantically about, instead i sat there mind blank as a white piece of paper staring at her and noding robotically.

3rd year subjects are hard and i really dont know what to do cause i cant change my subjects to anything else (stupid monash doesnt offer anything else for me). so i have to read about the policies and the politics and on-goings in malaysia. and i was pretty dumb to actually volunteer to do a presentation on the 4th week into the semester. i'm so bummed out right now that i spent the whole day just lazing around (partially because i was still in my Chinese New Year mood) and trying to read the readings for the subject only to be more confused about cultural and communications policies.

i need help and i better find it fast, otherwise i'll be left behind.

Bohemian Like Me

uni classes are starting tomorow, or should i say today or in a couple of hours? well anyways it's starting and i'm dreading going back to classes. my timetable is scattered all over the place and i have classes everyday, including 4 hour breaks inbetween classes.

i'm officially out of a job~! woot woot! i'm not working anymore which means i can focus on my studies (like that's gonna help). so goodbye excess baggage!

i had a good day today, spent the whole day with J basically chit chatting and having fun running around The Curve, watching hot men stroll past as we sit there at starbucks drooling. hahah it was a good day. then went back home and then met him again later at M, where we completely made a fool of ourselves and started embarrassing each other by pulling shirts up and pointing at each other when gay men past by. needless to say it was utterly embarrassing and obscene and funny. i had a good time with J today, he is being a good friend and i hope it stays that way.

so...i havent hit the gym in over 9 days, so i'm gonna be punishing myself in the gym tomorow and working extra hard to shed off the holiday weight. i just hope i have the stamina to do so. it's cool cause i can feel my biceps now...not really visible but at least i can feel it hardening. i just hope i dont turn into those guys who take off their shirts and start taking photos of their own bodies, that's just...too much to handle.

so i'm going to watch ugly betty which my dear friend P burned for me and it's really good. me loves him for burning series for me. and right after that i got a date with my pillow so wish me good luck on my date (although i dont need any, i know he's gonna put out anyways)

p.s. i'm a bit high right now cause i downed a couple of shots after i got back home to put me to bed. please dont mind the randomness of this blog. it'll get better tomorow

iEthan: 2nd Generation

right after i submitted my last entry, i got a call from an anonymous person asking me for phone sex. when i asked him who gave him my number he wouldnt tell me and kept on moaning and making sex noises.

what has the world come to now when gay men get numbers from their friends and start masturbating to anonymous caller's voices. this ultimately pisses me off, knowing that someone out there is giving out my number to people that s/he (most likely a HE) knows to make prank calls and stuff. do people really get off by listening to someone talk?

on a lighter note, i think i'm starting to develop feelings for another person. it's so fast i know but it just...feels right to be with him. unfortunately he doesnt know and i dont think i can ever talk to him about it. i cannot reveal who this person is because he is quite close to me and from time to time he reads my diary entries, which makes me even more frustrated because this is the only place i can be myself and say things that i cannot say to anyone else. i had a dream about him last night, lying on my bed with his back towards me and me kissing and sniffing the back of his neck. like every other human being, he has an unique scent...a scent which used to repulse me because of what we were together but now i am so attracted to that scent, i actually miss it.

seeing him makes me happy and yet sad. i wonder...is this what requited love feels like? or am i just feeling the "wanting what i cannot have"?

Hurt

well it's been a couple of days being single and it feels the same. i guess i've been so used to being single for a couple of months and then hopping into a dead end relationship which i know wouldnt last and then getting out of it hasnt changed much of me. i guess what i'm trying to say here is that i dont think i am willing to sacrifice my personality and my character to be with someone.

anyways a dear friend of mine has been avoiding me lately. i dont know the reason why though and on the way to BJ's bday lunch, i spoke to J about it, he is basically in the same position i am in now, our friend JL isnt really talking to us very much. it's pretty upsetting because i'm really close to JL and i really hope that i didnt make friends with the wrong person as i always do in life. usually my 'friends' last time are like who's who in the human trash department; ur typical garden variety of jerks and a-holes if u will.

so to return back to the present, i had invited a few people to attend an open house my parents threw today, one of them being J, and he promised me to come so we can have a chat and i wouldnt be so bored. when i called him he told me that he couldnt make it because he had to work today in 65, because E asked him to, which was contradictary to what he said when he was driving me back home earlier, that he isnt going to 65 tonight. i guess i felt alittle hurt, because i'm trying to not go to that place anymore. i also invited JL to come but he's not been a friend to me lately and i dont know the reason why, so i sent a msg to P telling him that no one is coming and that it's okay for him to not come as well. right after that i sent a text msg to JL asking him whether he was upset with me and we should talk things out because we're good friends.

he sent a msg to me saying that i needed time to digest whatever's happened (meaning my break up) and he's upset at me because i pretended to be happy when deep inside i was really upset. i guess in a way i am upset, because knowing that u and a person whom u do know u love cant be together and u have to focus on ur studies...it's heartwrenching. and it's just sad...to know that u dont feel anything for a guy u once loved anymore. and it's sad to reminisce about the times u were happy with him, the goofiness that is his character. so yes, i did drink the night i broke up with marcus, i went to my cousin's 1st birthday party at my uncle's place and i drank alot of cordon bleu. after that i drove to 65 and opened a bottle of chivas and drank till my head was spinning wildly. maybe i did put up a front in the faces of my friends, maybe i did act like i was fine and happy and that i could live without him in my life which i know it's for a fact, but emotions run free with the help of alcohol running through my veins.

i feel alittle betrayed honestly. my friends are supposed to be here to help me believe that i am doing the right thing. and even though i am putting up an act infront of them, it's me trying to believe that i'm doing the right thing. i really dont need pity, i really dont need sympathy pats on the back, i just need my friends to be a friend. and tonight...i felt like i lost not only my relationship, but my friendships as well.

Single

i finally have the closure i needed. actually i had it ever since a couple of days ago but i wanted to wait for the right time to actually say "I don't want you anymore". realizing that i need to focus on the more important things in my life, i have decided to cut off all the nasty and toxic things in my life, such as marcus. observing my patterns for the past 3 years that we've been together, i have been failing my subjects whenever we have awful fights and break-ups and then i recover from it and then the vicious cycle starts again. i cant afford to waste anymore of my time and energy on him, i really need to do things for myself now.

plus i know where my break limit is now, meaning that i know where my patience level is and i must say, without tooting my own horn, that i'm damn good in the patience department. but that doesnt mean i'm going to be a push-over.

i believe that people learn lessons everyday in life, what this relationship has taught me is that i should never get together with exes, although it is the easier way of short-handing the experience of dating and everything, but there's a reason why things cannot be worked out and hence the break up. it's easier for me this way, instead of building up the suffering and the malice and then releasing it upon the unsuspecting people who get caught in the crossfire.

to be completely honest, i really dont love him anymore. it all started ever since he started telling me about his ex called ben who is apparently just 16 or 18 years old. talk about pedophile, which actually makes me wonder how long i can be with him since there's an expiration date to my relationship (probably after i turn 25). so little by little my heart breaks, smaller and smaller my love for him shrinks until i feel....indifferent to all of his actions. i'm guessing he felt it too since he was the one who confronted me about this, saying that he doesnt feel loved anymore etc etc. how can i feel love for someone who does things behind my back? things that i'm ashamed to even say. and then he has the nerve to say that i dont spend time with him anymore. i wonder whether if that's the reason why he has webcam sex with other guys and gets porn from young boys through msn. i guess a whole lot of my love died when he didnt say anything about it when i questioned him about the webcam sex thing, and more did when he denied it moments later and tried to pass it off as his ex.

so this is a good sign, i'm able to vent it all out without feeling a single emotion, probably just relaxed, the pressure on my shoulder is lifted immensely, but that doesnt mean i dont have any other stuff on my shoulder. i guess now it's the right time to focus on my life.

With A Tummy Full Of Beer

i had an awful day and it's about to get worse in a few hours time, probably because i would either get a hang-over or one of those disgusting migraines due to the amount of alcohol i consumed. not much, about 2 jugs of beer and i was lucky that i managed to escape the police check by telling them i just got off work, i also had to thank my cologne which i quickly sprayed to cover any pungent smells from the beer.

so why am i in a bad mood today? i just dont know what to say. i'm just so disappointed in my bf and so ashamed of the stuff that he did that no words from the english dictionary can really determine how i feel. it just makes me wonder, is this all worth it? is my sanity and my whole principles worth sacrificing for for the relationship i already have? i already have no pride, no ego and no self-esteem to go with this body of mine...so what am i to do? i always tell myself, admittance is the first step of repent, and i'm not even asking for any sort of atonement at all from him. all i'm asking for is not to lie to me at all and if he wants to do anything behind my back, by all means go ahead just dont let me find out.

i expected him to call or just sms me just to say he's sorry or anything along the lines of apologising, but there was nothing. i am just a silly boy holding on to a phone with no one to talk to about all of this.

so what held me together throughout the day? Hip Hop class in the gym was the highlight of the entire day. i had so much fun and i was completely exhausted after the class, the mentor was exceptionally good looking; i wanna say he's italian, too bad i'm not into anything else but asians. so i found a way to channel my anger into something constructive and in the process tire myself out. then i needed to find a way to tire my mind out to stop me from thinking too much and there it was, just a half an hour's drive away...happy hour beer all night (just for me~). i drove to 65, my whole body refused to move and i almost died twice on the road since i wasnt really paying attention to the other cars, my mind was on other things. so i got there and drank myself silly and tried to make myself happy by teasing my friends. i could tell people there think i was drunk, but i wasnt, it was just a way for me to blur my thoughts and not think about anything important. it didnt help that everywhere i turned there were people asking me where marcus was. i lied and told them he's at home sleeping and he has an early meeting tomorow.

so after the 2 jugs, it just suddenly hit me like a wave. i was high and trying to calm myself down by sitting outside. i have to pat myself on the back because i managed to push it all down within an hour. so after a drink later on at a nearby coffeeshop (mamak) i drove back home and here i am now. mind still racing and having feelings i cannot describe, but mostly negative. to not think of it on the drive back, i thought of the dance moves i learned today from hip hop. sometimes i think song and dance can really save someone from doing something stupid. i really think so.

My Fault

sometimes even though a love for someone can be so blatant and strong, but it can never be enough. i'm sitting here infront of my computer wondering whether or not my relationship can proceed any longer. i am so numb from everything he has been accusing me of, that i purposely influence my friends into hating him, that i'm so wicked i purposely wanted to hurt him by going out with a friend when we agreed the night before that i wasnt allowed to meet any guys without his permission or when he wasnt present but i asked him to come anyway and he made a big deal out of it by saying that i wanted to make him suffer by doing that because it was a day after his father's funeral and that i was supposed to wait for him until he's done with drinking with HIS friends.

is it my fault that i speak to my friends and tell them not to take everything i say into consideration because they have never heard HIS side? according to marcus, i purposely tell them that so i can get them on my side and make them hate him. he has this impression that i am an evil person, that i'm capable of lies, have sex with any guy at any time, deceit and probably even murder.

i look back at myself and yes, i have been bad. but i have learnt through harsh lessons to be a better person than i was and i am slowly moving towards that goal. when an emotional cripple comes along and stops u from achieving something u know is going to be good for urself what do u do? i love this emotional cripple enough that i'm willing to put him first rather than my pride, my ego and my feelings. but never-the-less i know that he doesnt really care much about mine, he doesnt believe i'm capable of having emotions such as sadness and depression. he puts himself first and so did i. what am i to do now? it looks like he hasnt changed a single bit. it looks like he's still the same jerk that used me during his father's funeral to make himself feel better and never apologised for it, stating the fact that he told me what i was getting myself into (quote: "i told u that i was glad that u were there at my father's funeral and u know what u were getting urself into so why should i apologise?")

i really dont know where my breaking point is. his impression of me is so deep and so toxic that i fear in the future will never give me the chance to be that person i want myself to be. i have sacrificed everything about myself just to find love and it has given me nothing but misery.

i feel like a dog, and him pulling me by the leash forcing me to smell the shit on the couch which isnt even mine. he's forcing me to admit something that isnt even true and that i have never even done.

i could care less about his friends and what he's been telling them about. he was talking to this guy jon today and told him everything. if this person is smarter than i think he is, he would understand that marcus conveniently leaves out important facts within arguments we had and should listen to both sides to an argument before making his own judgement. this is simply because marcus loves his image and loves the fact that everyone thinks highly of him and cannot stand the fact that someone hates him. in other words he loves playing the victim within arguments.

me on the other hand, i really am sick and tired of arguing over the same things again and again. i'm tired of playing the victim or the accuser or the shit stirrer. i just want the person that i love deeply to just grow up and just stop and think rationally for a while. i am human, i have feelings as well, and always putting urself first is just selfish.

so again...i'm back to where i started. i feel like i havent progressed at all. i feel like breaking down again. i dont know how to sever this relationship with him because i know that no matter what i do i will never get over this person. i am really emotionally drained and i think i just exceeded my breaking point. i am on the verge of insanity and i dont know how to go back. if someone out there can please help me...or just a sign that can tell me what to do...please i really am losing hope. i'm losing the belief that i can be happy. i feel like i'm losing myself...

The Past Teaches Us Our Future

i had a fight with marcus just now, something which i dont understand. i love him loads and i want to help him so much but he cares so much about what people think of him that he would place me behind his reputation.

i've been learning to let go of the past, a wise friend told me that if one plans to have a long term relationship u've got to be able to look the other way. this is what i'm desperately trying to do. but in this world of infinite possibilities, what if the past just comes back to haunt u, or ur significant other will not let it slide by and reminds u of it constantly? what is one supposed to do when this happens?

listening to marcus talk about his ex while we were apart...breaks my heart but i'm trying to be strong and make jokes out of it. i want to grow and be matured and just let little things like these not get to me. but it really hurts me when i try to be a good person and offer him help and he just lashes these little toxic statements about the past and listening to people twist my stories and then blowing it all up on me.

why cant people just let things go? i've been called a liar, i've been called a slut, i've been called a bastard, i've been called the black sheep in the family, but i could not care less about what people think. at least i'm honest to myself and i know myself better than anyone.

i die alittle inside everytime he thinks so negatively of me. it hurts me so much to know that he has this mindset of my character being like shit. how am i supposed to grow if someone i love with my heart and soul wont let me?

i think the bigger question is when will we both mature and be the person who we want ourselves to be...

Chinese New Year Event

Venue: @65 (65, Jalan Jejaka 2, Taman Maluri, Cheras)
Date: 10th February 2007 (Saturday)
Time: 8.30pm Onwards
Door Charge: RM15/head (inclusive of 1 drink)

What's happening?
there's gonna be a chinese new year performance done by the staff at 65, it's our 2nd show so dont miss it!

Reunited?

it's 7.15AM in the morning, i just came back from my ex's house. i dont know what to feel right now. it's like i'm happy but at the same time i'm scared and nervous.

i got a msg from marcus asking me if we could talk. smses were sent back and forth and it was like devastating to me at first because i was just wondering what he wanted. i thought he was with someone, or he should be by now. i'm not sure, i didnt ask. but somehow or rather we got into talking about us and our relationship. to be completely honest after seeing him in the gym the other day i fell apart. i always thought i was strong and if one day i saw him i would hold my head up high and say that i'm over him. unfortunately that's not how things turned out to be. i talked to simon about this for a while (i was practically obsessing) and i think i bored him to death with my incessant ranting about why he was in MY gym. anyways to cut things short i missed him alot. i started reminiscing about funny stuff like how we went to see memoirs of a geisha and i told him off for going tsk tsk tsk at every horrible moment or how he always made that stupid funny face which made me laugh all the time and the times when he called me cat boy (long story).

well i'm laughing right now, i dont know why. i guess cause i'm happy. but i'm also terrified. i'm scared that things will turn out the same way and i'm wondering when will it end and when would we be happy? is it really meant to be? my wise friend jimmy told me that God has plans for everyone and he told me that when i was ready for a relationship He would send one to me. is this the relationship i long for ever since i was old enough to understand the relationship between a man and another man?

i really dont know what will happen in the future. i just hope that we are both mature enough to face the facts and the truth and also just compromise because we want to be with each other. these past 6 months have been a rocky road for me but i've learnt and am still learning to deal with myself and my life, but questions still linger in my mind, like can he accept my life? is he going to force me to adapt to his perfect version of my life? under these circumstances i told him we should go slow and just start with a fresh slate and start dating again. at least just catch up with each other and see how it works from there. i just know i missed him alot, seeing him infront of me just now...i just wanted to hold him and kiss him, but my mind told me no, i should have a bit of self control and respect for myself. so yes i'm going to take it slow. i want to carve a road for ourselves so we can be with each other.

i'm petrified of the consequences, but i know i should just try and make things work.