The Fallen One

i hide in the corner of my room, wishing for it to go away
underneath the desk, where no one can touch me
bundling myself up in the fetal position, i lay there looking at my hands
my blood stained hands
my hands, the tools for vengeance
the very hands that were used in the game of cat and mouse
i can see the parasites eating away the flesh of my morbid existence
i close my eyes and try to clear my mind of grotesque images
the memory of my life
remnants of what used to be life
what life? i'm already dead inside
as welts of tears form in the corners of my eyes, i ask aloud,
"God, have you forsaken me?"



(copyrighted by me!)

Single In Electric Dreams

been listening to alot of 80s music lately. like Starship (gotta love jefferson, it never gets old), Human League, Blondie, etc. i seriously think i was born in the wrong era. u see if i was born in the 70s i would have gotten to listen to what we call the 80s music and actually love it. well who says i'm not loving it now?

it is quite sad though, i dont think any of my peers enjoy listening to retro music as much as i do. but it's something about the music that makes me happy and sorta get a tinge of nostalgia.

anyways my charity AIDs bracelet came in today from hong kong. yes i bought this charity bracelet on Fridae Shop (which i suggest people to use or check out instead, Fridae offers alot more than just sending hearts and mails u know...). get it! it's pretty nice and 83% goes to the AIDs foundation in Hong Kong. check it out!

well i think it's pretty cool. as a gay boy i think i did contribute a little in doing my part. as a samaritan i think i am doing pretty well as i do help unknown people in doing stuff! so maybe at least God can let me have a peek of how heaven looks like before i get sent straight to hell for being gay.

i've been working on my new writing piece which is about Alexia Cohen, Celes' twin sister who has an eating disorder (if u follow my writing process which i dont think anyone does, u would know). it's pretty frustrating cause no one is able to give me the critique i'm desperately searching for, someone to HATE my work completely and give me some constructive comments on how to make it not as bad as it is. all i've been getting are critiques which say it's good, i like this this this that that that, but i have never gotten a i hate the way u do this blah blah blah. i think i can take criticism pretty well, i'm a big boy (literally) and dont worry, i wont rip ur hands off and beat u with it.

so anyways back to the topic of charity, DO YOUR PART AS A GAY MAN/WOMAN! support the AIDs foundation!
unless u wanna be taken to funky town...

White

What i do is what i know
And what i know is what my senses say
And what my senses say is this
That where i'm scared to go is bliss
And what i dare to take on
Makes my day

What i do is what i feel
And what i feel is where i have to go
And where i go is where you are
My love
My fear
My beating heart
My simple answer that i never know

Bleed +

yeap, i'm single again. fantastic isnt it? i was just listening to my friends talk about how great single life is and here i am living it again. i just have to get used to the fact for now.

my heart was torn from my body and again stomped into the ground like it was nothing important. how many times do i have to go through heartbreak? isnt life hard enough? how much pain do i have to endure before i find happiness?

C told me he had regrets in asking for us to part, so what? and he thinks that we should be friends after this. well let me say something, when one person out of the relationship is suddenly thrown into this situation it's almost impossible to recover from it and pretend it's okay.

i'm not going to pretend it's okay. i'm not going to sweep it under the carpet and tell everyone that i'm good and that things will turn out alright because first of all i'm not good and secondly i dont know whether things will turn out alright. i hate the fact that i'm always in the situation where i get pummeled into a pulp and i'm always expected to pick myself up and miraculously recover from it. so if u're reading this C, NO, we can not be friends.

i promised myself never to shed any tears for any other guy ever again and i congratulate myself for doing that. i am also making a vow right now to NEVER date a guy who sugarcoats everything and hides who he truly is because at the end of the day, when they reveal themselves to be the selfish person they are, u're just gonna hate them for it.

i'm sick. and i'm tired. i am sick and tired. i'm only 22...i'm not supposed to go through so much so fast. all these experiences are turning me into a bitter person, i'll probably be seen in baskin & robbins sprinkling lithium in my ice cream in a couple years time. i plead for a life of sanity, where things make sense and there arent any complications.

as i said earlier and i'm saying it now, i'm not going to pretend it's okay between me and life. but what i am going to do is delve deeper into my assignments and hide from society. i have enough dealing with petty and hideous gay men.

A Single Tear

firstly i would like to thank all of u who sent me a msg regarding on my writing. it's nice to know that people ou there enjoy reading the fictional stuff i write and those of u who gave constructive comments, a very big thank u from the bottom of my heart.

it's been really busy these few weeks for me lately, with assignments piled up and trying to hand it up before the deadline. i have a huge assignment due tomorow and i'm pretty much done, just a few adjustments here and there and voila! like the turkey on thanksgiving, i'm done.

i had quite a bad dream last night, it was intense as well cause i started biting on my pillow and woke up that very moment. let me start by saying i'm not insane, well a part of me is and i think that is reflected in my dreams.

so what happened that caused me such anger? i dreamt of Chris*, all of us (my friends) were on a bed some place, chilling out and laughing and chatting and i see him and Stephen hugging each other and being touchy feely. i glared at him but they didnt stop. but suddenly Stephen turned around (i could only see his back, but somehow i knew it was him) and it turned out to be Milo, my former ex-bf. so there i was watching Chris and Milo make out right infront of me and all i was doing is sitting there and watch the remainder of my heart get smashed into a million pieces. anyways i got up from where i was sitting and went towards both of them. i bent over and whispered in Chris' ear, "we're over, now u can start seeing other men" and i slapped him across the face.

i went out the room leaving behind a crowd of appalled faces and i went into another room where James was there and he started to make comments that were hitting below the belt. so i started beating him up but he managed to avoid a few of my blows and was heading for the door. when i grabbed his arm he was out the door and shutting it with full force, i didnt know what to do, i wanted to hurt him badly so i bit his hand...hence the biting of the pillow in real life. i woke up there, with anger written all over my face with a tinge of sadness.

question is, did i just had a look into my future?

*all names have been changed so respect my privacy and do not ask who these people are*

Assignment Blues

these past few days have been so hectic for me. basically cause all my assignments are due in one after another and it's rushing everything in that turns my hair grey. so i manage to get an extension for my Writing assignment, something which i actually take pride in doing. i'm gonna post it up for u guys to read, give me comments on it, like the tenses, emotives, did i show instead of telling the readers, what u got from it, whether i actually have a plot in it cause in the assignment it's supposed to be describing a character in the stillness of time so it's supposed to be plotless. so anyways enjoy reading and send me comments.

Tap tap tap.

Celes Cohen tapped the tip of her blood red Manolo Blahniks together, hoping she would be whisked away just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. She loved the movie when she was a little girl and always begged her mother to watch it with her over and over again. Celes looked up to see the signboard of the café, it looked huge from where she was sitting. Nulle part Ailleurs. No place else. She studied French during her high school years and was always known as the geek in red, basically cause of her fiery red hair and the fact that she always came home with As.

The pink scar on her right shoulder contrasted her white and smooth alabaster skin, it was visible to the naked eye and it was the only gift from her father. The one scar on her perfect marble body, pulsating with hate and anger. With that she saw men differently, scum and bastards. No man was worth her time unless they were gay and then again she did not like the fact that they have a penis.

Celes slid her long frail arms and dug deep into her Hermes birken bag and shuffled some stuff around, looking for her Chanel compact. She learned that she had to look fresh and beautiful in order to book jobs where she had to work with photographers shouting directions at her in a snooty accent. She made friends with the make-up artists, who were responsible for transforming her from a pretty girl to the IT girl, the girl with the je ne sais pas as the French say it. She rewarded herself with the Crémeux à l'Ananas, the café’s trademark desert, for making it on the front page of French Vogue. She had to thank Ford Models for signing her up when she was 16, allowing her to work the runway in the Olympus Fashion Week and the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week as well as book her jobs that pay for her weekly splurge in Soltice products.

She opened her compact and looked into the mirror reflection of herself. Her eyes were like two sapphires glowing in a pool of milk. She always thought people would like her after looking into her eyes, yet people seem to be put off by her attitude towards life. Her eyes are the only gateway into her soul but no women she was interested in wanted to get to know that soft side of her. They preferred her the way she was, the way she presented herself; hard and opinionated.

She checked her lips, to see whether the color of her lipstick was still in tact. It was perfect, red and luscious. The signs of the silicon injection healed over the past few days. Her first visit to Dr. Andrew Ng and it was a success, just like the doctor said. She was not really excited to make a visit to the plastic surgeon as she did not think anything was wrong with her. But her modeling agent wanted it for her and when the needle pierced through the skin on her lips, she remembered what her mother said to her, “Beauty is pain…”.

Celes pursed her lips together and fluttered her eyes to shake off the mascara clumps that had gathered on her eyelashes. She then closed her compact and dropped it into her handbag

“Last shot! The camera loves you Celes!” a man’s voiced boomed.

Celes Cohen shifted her gaze slowly and looked straight at the camera, her eyes piercing through the lens.

Snap.