Hello Singapore~

Alright dudes and dudettes, i'm going to sleep and waking up and i'll be on my way to singapore. i wont have any internet access so, i'm sorry if u'd missed ur chance to see me. hahaha

so i'm off for a few days to have some fun in the sun and hopefully get to meet friends and drinking buds.

See you guys in singapore! and miss me back in malaysia!


Laterz

Counting Down The Days (2 More!!!!)

Listening
Waiting
Stillness
Completion...

Hi Dudes and Dudettes! 2 more days and i'll be in Singapore! Woot Woot~~~~ what a funny little expression.

i found myself listening to the pumping of my heart when the Italian match was going into stoppage time after 90 minutes and there were no goals made from either team.

and then there was the penalty kick for the italians which made me ecstatic and i waited for totti to ready his position. the air of concentration and pressure was so thick, one could slice it with a butter knife.

the world was still for a moment, the cafe where i was froze momentarily. i could hear prayers from people whom i dont know around me.

Totti runs, and raises his leg and shoots. HE SCORES!!!! The crowd goes wild and screams of joy were heard around SS2. The game is officially over and the italians even with one man down has beaten the australian with just one goal.

This is what made the FIFA World Cup fabulous to watch
This is what makes people cry with happiness
This is...FIFA World Cup

Untitled Number 22

Time flows by ever so slowly
I will await for my prince
By the lake I shall stand
Eternity, for it will come to pass

Am I being foolish?
Have I looked too far?
Is he standing before me?
Or has he disappeared from my life?

Questions left unanswered
A leaf following the breeze
My life as a spinning wheel
Of disappointments and illusions

An endless vortex of cigarette butts
An infinite flow of alcohol
Empty and hollow, my mind returns to sanity
As days melt into the sea of thoughts

Rest & Relaxation ~ Looking Forward

with all my assignments handed in and my major exam done, it's basically one more stupid little exam and then i'm home free! it's time to kick off my blue suede shoes and hop into my red ruby slippers. so shove off Dorothy, it's my time to skip down the yellow brick road.

so i'm looking forward to my trip to Singapore. there's nothing that can stop me now from having the best time there. so guys, instead of sending me hearts, how bout an e-mail with ur name and preferably a picture on ur profile and a simple "hello, i would like to get to know you" would be nice.

oh and if any of u guys who's e-mailed i havent replied yet, it's not because i dont like you or anything, i am really forgetful and i dont remember whether i have sent u an e-mail yet...well u probably wouldnt be reading this anyways but i'm still gonna say it. I'M SORRY for not replying. please do remind me.

Happy 22nd Birthday To Myself

just wishing myself a happy birthday, yeah it's kinda pathetic to be online and writing in my diary and wishing myself a happy birthday yaddi yaddi yah.

the birthday curse still lives on, despite having alittle suprise thrown by 3 very good friends. the exam, the assignment, the incessant calls from my parents screaming at me to come back home just makes a boy feel loved and happy, not.

i just wanna thank u guys for cheering me up and sending me e-mails and smses and calls to wish me a happy birthday. it's still early and i hope i dont jinx myself, but i just wish for this day to pass by quickly. if only...

Birthday Blues

i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, feeling depressed and very down, i just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and there's no where to run away from it.

i guess it's the fact that my birthday is coming up, and reminicsing about my birthdays in the past hasnt exactly been a joyride for me. i've never had a birthday where i felt happy or satisfied or even remotely content. at the age of 6 or 7, my family and i went to Bali on a family trip as well as to spend my birthday there, i remember vividly the screams and the shouting from my mother and father at each other while i sat in the corner huddled with my sister crying. finally she couldnt take it anymore and started arguing with them as well. so i just sat there and wished myself happy birthday while i cried myself to sleep.

on my 11th birthday, i had no friends who celebrated with me since i just came back from Malaysia to continue my studies as well as my dad being relocated back here. i felt alone cause my sister wasnt exactly coping with school well and went into her shell, my father was trying to re-adjust his life, my mother was taking care of the financial issues, they had forgotten my birthday. so there i was again, alone in my bedroom trying to get to sleep and wishing the horrible day that is my birthday would end.

the birthdays that came after that just went downhill from there. i just didnt bother celebrating my birthday anymore, what's the point? it's next week monday when i hit 22 and i'm celebrating it in an exam hall. after that it's just gonna be me and my pillow and it'll be on my way to dreamland throughout the day.

Portugal Pains

mother^$*^%&#*&%#&*@! i expected portugal to whoop angola's ass back to where it came from. the first 20 seconds was when it all started, the excitement and the adrenaline pumping into systems, coz ronaldo (young and cute and oh-so-arrogant) went straight out for a quick goal. my figo is gettin a bit old, cant really run anymore but i still love him. bloody mistakes were made everywhere! if they're gonna play this badly throughout the group matches i'm gonna start crying sometime soon. sigh

speaking of sighing, my feelings have turned the other way around now, instead of feeling down in the gutter and listenin to the blues, i feel alot better suprisingly. i guess it's coz all the matches are finally taking my mind off of everything. i guess this is my way of relaxing...yelling at the screen and calling them dumb****s and shi-bai-lo-maS. hahahaha i'm just happy now that my mind's at ease, i dont have to think so much about what to do with particular people for about 9 hours and finally i get to stand still with the world for those mere seconds where the ball launches into the air and straight into the net. excellent~~~~

someone funny told me today that footballers are like gays. there's the strikers who are the tops, the defenders who are the bottoms and the midfielders who are versatile. the goalies are the diva queens with their hands up in the air like "Uh-uh, speak to the hand coz the face aint listenin biatch" with the three snaps. and you get the referee who's always "blowin" the whistle and giving out yellow cards and have the ability to OUT a player. okay i sorta spoilt the joke, but it was hilarious when i heard it. since it's 5.30AM in the morning i'm allowed to make horrible jokes which arent funny or re-tell funny jokes which arent amusing to the reader.

okay i guess i should be logging off sometime soon coz i have a date with my handsome pillow. ta-ta

Rantings Of A FIFA Fantatic

so there i was sitting for about 10 hours watching one match after another. i had fun at Yippee Cup SS2, it's gay friendly and owned by pretty cool people. plus one of the waiters there is so adorable looking, and is a sight for sore eyes.

yes i am gay, i'm havent turned into a full-on lesbian yet. i do watch football and i do rant about it, but i only watch FIFA World Cup. i'm lucky that some of my gay friends do watch FIFA as well.

so england won! YAYYY!!! but disappointing that it's the Paraguay team which scored their own goal. bloody annoying that once they are in the lead or winning that they'll just defend throughout the whole game.

now the second match...that was a real big f*ck up. what the hell were the swedish thinking!?!?!? they had so many chances to bloody score and they made so many mistakes, it's not even funny. i got so agitated at them and it was such a frustrating game, but u gotta hand it to the other team, they were defending like hell. bloody hell Avery John was already carded and sent off during the first half of the game and yet they still couldnt score a goal. GRRRRR stupid Larson and Ljunberg...but they tried their best i guess. ARGH it was just frustrating.

the third match was fun to watch, since it was pretty much the three of us being the patrons and the rest being the waiters and the owners of Yippee Cup. i wanted Argentina to win and when they were leading with 2 - 0, they were bloody con acting their way through to delay time. stupid argentinians, bloody fakers all of them. it was quite suprising to see Ivory Coast to score a goal at the second half of the game, which made it very kan-cheong (exciting) to watch. hahaha but at the end of the day it was quite a fun match to watch.

so next match to watch? (Msian Time)
Serbia & Montenegro VS Netherlands (neutral)
Mexico VS Iran at 12AM (i support neither team)
Anglo VS Portugal at 3AM (PORTUGAL!!!)

Jaded Emotions

my feelings, i just dont what or how to feel rite now. it's funny how sudden my mood shifts from being happy to ecstatic to sad in a matter of hours. i dont know what shifted my mood or triggered it to swing drastically from one to another, but all i know is that my mood swings are getting worse.

i dont know how to cure it, i dont know how to change myself from being like this, i just want it to stop. i wish i could just stop time for a couple of hours and just let me stand still there and listen to silence.

everytime i'm done with my showers, i would just tell myself mentally that i will not let this get the best of me, i'm fun to be around with, i'm supposedly forever happy and bubbly, but what is inside no one knows. it's hard for me to share my feelings with people. it's hard for me to say to my friends, "i'm unhappy with everything around me" because all they'll do is just remind me that my life is better than others and i'm still young i should just look forward. i dont want to listen to crap like that, i just want them to listen and acknowledge the fact that i have this dark side of me that's swallowing me whole. instead i have to live in this bubble i created for myself and play out this fascade.

sometimes i drift up from my body and just look at myself and wonder, what the hell are u doing now? i've put on this mask for so long that it's fused with my face and it hides away my true feelings. i cant seem to trust anyone with anything coz i'm scared. i'm scared that people will see the ugliness, the sorrow, the pain and they'll expose this side of me to everyone. to answer ur question in ur mind right now, yes i have been betrayed before, and up to now it still happens. what else to do than to hide my true self and bring out the marionette for people to play with?

i listen, i give, i entertain, what else can a friend ask for?

Turn Me On

Like a flower waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb in a dark room
Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come on home and turn me on

My poor heart
It's been so dark
Since you been gone
After all you're the one who turns me off
But you're the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes
I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come on home and turn me on

Turn me on

Expectations Only Lead To Disappointment

it's been a while since i've updated my diary, and thank u to all the people who took the time to read my diary and who sent me an e-mail commenting on it. yes i do like to write, this is the only way and place where i am able to vent out my frustration, my sadness, my depression, my happiness, my experiences and my thoughts.

i'm thinking of moving down to UK to be with my relatives and maybe live there for a year or so after i graduate. it's been my dream to find someone whom i can really be myself with and whom i can trust and share my life with, move down to london with him and just live there for a couple of years.

i've been going on dates, meeting guys and not to mention weirdos who keep changing their fridae account and adding me and e-mailing me, it's this 19 year old mixed dude from JB who's completely a freak. well anyways yeah i have been going on dates, dates which dont really have a lasting impression on me.

it's usually me not really into him, and him really into me, that, i dont get. i'm just wondering how out of the 8 relationships i had, why does it always have them liking me first and me not that interested in them? the ones that i like, i lose interest very quickly, the ones that i have no interest in seem to fall for me.

i just want to meet someone whom i'm attracted to emotionally and physically and mentally, i recently met someone who could but he was attached unfortunately but i did manage to have a really great chat with him. i dont need to be with someone smart, if i wanted someone smart i would probably go for my lecturer, i guess i just need someone whom i can really talk to...about everything.

i dont expect much, i dont want to expect much, cause expectations only lead to disappointment, and i cant bear to be disappointed again....no not again.

60123241759 Things I Want (but cant have...sadly enough)

I want to read a good book
I want recommendations of good books to read
I want to sleep peacefully every night
I want people to stop calling me when i'm asleep
I want a new handphone (S.E. 900i)
I want a new car (Honda CRV/Audi TT)
I want the ability of having good parking skills
I want to park anywhere i wish to park
I want to go places
I want to go to london and live there for a couple of years
I want to be with a man i love living in london for a couple of years
I want a relationship
I want that relationship to last forever
I want to love my man for being him
I want to take care of my man when he's down
I want to cook for him every week and have him taste my horrible or probably good concoctions
I want to hug him to sleep every night and tell him i love him more than anything in the world
I want to have my first dance with him in public
I want our song to be Diana Krall's The Look of Love
I want to be married to this man
I want to get a place of my own with him
I want a dog in the house and a maid to clean up after him
I want the life that has still yet to come
I want to be a better person

and lastly i want to thank you for taking the time to read this.

Stimulation of the Greater Mind

i had a really intense chat with a guy called Pang last nite, an editor of an online magazine and so cute, but what attracted me to him was the fact that he could carry on an intelligent conversation without seeming arrogant or come off as stuck up. we chatted into the wee hours of the morning and some of the subjects we both brought up were quite interesting and just struck a chord in me.

analyzing myself, i have a good life. i was blessed with the ability to communicate and voice out my opinions and have social skills. i pretty much had a platinum plated spoon stuck in my mouth ever since i was young. to grow up the way i am now, i think i did good. by the way this is not tooting my own horn, i'm just evaluating my life.

i shouldnt ask for more, i have wonderful friends, a great family (they could be better and stop pestering me to turn straight) and wonderful yet tragic experiences which taught me to be the person i am now. why should i ask for a relationship with someone i love when i love my friends and i know very well they love me too? why should i ask to spend my life with someone when i know that it's going to end disastrously and i could just spend my remaining time with friends and family?

i ask all these questions and yet sitting here right now and typing furiously, i know i want a relationship, i know i want to be loved not only by my friends but with someone i can share my deepest and darkest part of me with, someone who i can rely on to hold me tight when i'm feeling down or scared, someone to kiss me goodnight.

Alcoholic Asylum

sitting here with a cup filled with ice and a couple of shots of whiskey and water, i feel...complete. i used to sit in my room or sit outside my lounge area and just watch television and or listen to music while i slowly sip my drink and just think to myself.

i drink to make myself feel better. i take a shot to numb all the pain. i down the cup to feel something apart from sadness. i raise my glass to those who dont need alcohol in their life.

haha. call me pathetic or sad or whatever you want, but that's me. sometimes i just like to spend alone time with myself and just try to blur reality for a minute and enjoy the moment. these are the confessions of an alcoholic.

as i start pondering about how fun it would be to do this and do that, i lift my cup to my parted lips. the liquid, touching my soft lips, was as cold as death due to the amount of ice i put in, but funnily enough when it slides down my throat it warms my whole body into numbness. this numbness is transmitted into my emotions and is sent up to my brain where it blurs my vision and creates a whole new feeling of being...me. my whole body is filled with heat with the alcohol churning into my system like a spinning wheel. i continue to pour the half empty bottle of Chivas into my cup and topped it up with water.
how i love this feeling, the feeling of deadness and lacking of sensations overwhelms me. it makes me tranquil...almost like it was meant to be. dizziness is coming over me soon, i can feel it in myself.

i could almost watch myself drowning in a sea of serenity...