A Tear Shed Over Time

I recently met a guy. A guy who I thought would be a good friend. A friend who I thought was cute. A cute guy who was seeing another guy. Lets name this guy who I met, Barry.

At first, I stated my grounds clearly, not to engage in any form of sexual acts with him. I told him straight, that since he was together with someone else, I will not engage in any forms of sexual activities with him and the most we could be is friends. Next thing you know, I'm really starting to fall for him.

I waited an hour for him to get off work, sit down and have a drink with me for only 30 minutes before heading off to his next meeting. And the fact is, I didn't mind; which was a big indication that I really like the dude.

The third time we met, was at his place, where we had one too many drinks and ended up sleeping with each other. Torturous. I knew I was falling for him the moment our lips locked. I broke my own rule in not sleeping with him and I knew that I was falling down a deep and dark hole. He was seeing someone! How could I let things go out of control???? I felt so guilty after that, I went home and slept.

Today, I went out on a date with another dude. Throughout the whole date, I could not stop thinking about Barry, and the moment he called, I ran outside to pick up the phone. I really don't know what spell he put on me but I resisted and told him I would call him back.

I sent my date home, and we made out in his house but all I could think about was Barry. I left my date's place, saying that I needed to sleep, but in fact when I stepped into my car, I immediately started dialing Barry's number.

I spoke to Barry for a good 20 minutes, telling him how I felt, but in return he told me that the feelings I feel for him would change over time through personal experience. I was quite devastated by the remark, and I still am.

Through the act of putting down the phone of him, I realized that we can not be anything more than friends.

How I really wish we could.

I really do wish we could.

But sadly to say, we can not be.

Judging 3th@n

It's been a while since I last posted anything. Sorry to those who read my blog, I have been too lazy to even write.

I went to Marketplace tonight. I think I had...a good time there. Got a friend drunk and watched her throw up several times in the toilet and into ice buckets. Listened to friends chit chat about their love lives or what they expect out of their love lives. I was also a viewer to a show of two lovers who recently met and in my opinion, should get a room and shag all night instead of going out clubbing.

What really disturbed me tonight was not the fact that two guys were making out as if it was their last day together, but it was being told by friends that I had that look of someone who would not be faithful and hence, it would be difficult for me to even find someone to share my life with without having an open relationship. This fact was really hard to swallow and digest. As I tried to come into terms with it by consuming alcohol and cigarettes, a (very good looking) man sat down opposite me and started eyeing me. Aware of this fact, I tried to eye-flirt with him for a bit and then suddenly, to my distraught, another man sat down next to him and started making out with him and held his hand ever so dearly. It was his boyfriend.

Despite the fact that his boyfriend was sitting next to him and hugging so tight that his chest would explode, he was still looking at me and his body language was still inviting me to get to know him. This little event was just hard to experience; it was like a small window view of how my current life now was filled with men who havepartners and are unfaithful to them and want to bed me for a night or two. Lust at first sight. Nothing more than that.

This got me thinking in a very negative light; am I destined with the face I have to only experience bad relationships and partners who think I'm nothing more than a big cheat? Nothing more than one or two nights? I can't be imagining things if this is not the first comment and experience which I have.

How am I supposed to even sustain a relationship if I can't change the way I look?

These things may not ever be answered, but depression aside, I still want to be optimistic about finding the right person for myself.

I believe he's out there.

Perhaps far, perhaps near.

Just perhaps.

Let There Be.

It was a good day. That is what I like to tell myself almost every day. It was certainly a good day.

But today is different. A friend called me up when I was out with another bunch of people and told me to come by because he's feeling depressed. I love my friends, and I rushed over as soon as I had the chance. When I arrived at the pub he was at, all I could see were tears.

He told me that his boyfriend had broken up with him. Despite preparing myself for the worst, I had no words to say to comfort him. As we sat outside, I watched pellets of tears form in his eyes, roll down his face and fall harshly onto the ground.

His boyfriend of 7 years.

Over.

Just like that.

I listened to my friends try to console him and him trying desperately to defend and reason why his boyfriend left him. All I could do is just hold him tight and make him feel wanted.

At times like these, I believe silence is the key. Listening to his predicament and nodding. Despite the fact that I'm opinionated, I kept my comments to myself because I know, no matter what you say to him in his drunken state, nothing will be absorbed.

Danny is a good person, and I believe he should never be subjected to feeling like this.

His friends try to tell him, it's over, just deal with it. You're too good for him. There are other fishes in the sea. Standardized remarks and comments.

He told me quietly that he wanted to start his life over again. When I looked into his puffy bloodshot eyes, I could see myself in him. So I told him, it's best if you dwell on these feelings for a while so you could process it and move on.

Bad things happen to good people all the time, and I pray desperately that it would stop.

If there is a higher being, I would wish S/He could hear my prayers.

Let there be light for those who want it.

Let there be peace for those who pray for it.

Let there be love for those who need it.