Rantings Of A FIFA Fantatic

so there i was sitting for about 10 hours watching one match after another. i had fun at Yippee Cup SS2, it's gay friendly and owned by pretty cool people. plus one of the waiters there is so adorable looking, and is a sight for sore eyes.

yes i am gay, i'm havent turned into a full-on lesbian yet. i do watch football and i do rant about it, but i only watch FIFA World Cup. i'm lucky that some of my gay friends do watch FIFA as well.

so england won! YAYYY!!! but disappointing that it's the Paraguay team which scored their own goal. bloody annoying that once they are in the lead or winning that they'll just defend throughout the whole game.

now the second match...that was a real big f*ck up. what the hell were the swedish thinking!?!?!? they had so many chances to bloody score and they made so many mistakes, it's not even funny. i got so agitated at them and it was such a frustrating game, but u gotta hand it to the other team, they were defending like hell. bloody hell Avery John was already carded and sent off during the first half of the game and yet they still couldnt score a goal. GRRRRR stupid Larson and Ljunberg...but they tried their best i guess. ARGH it was just frustrating.

the third match was fun to watch, since it was pretty much the three of us being the patrons and the rest being the waiters and the owners of Yippee Cup. i wanted Argentina to win and when they were leading with 2 - 0, they were bloody con acting their way through to delay time. stupid argentinians, bloody fakers all of them. it was quite suprising to see Ivory Coast to score a goal at the second half of the game, which made it very kan-cheong (exciting) to watch. hahaha but at the end of the day it was quite a fun match to watch.

so next match to watch? (Msian Time)
Serbia & Montenegro VS Netherlands (neutral)
Mexico VS Iran at 12AM (i support neither team)
Anglo VS Portugal at 3AM (PORTUGAL!!!)

Jaded Emotions

my feelings, i just dont what or how to feel rite now. it's funny how sudden my mood shifts from being happy to ecstatic to sad in a matter of hours. i dont know what shifted my mood or triggered it to swing drastically from one to another, but all i know is that my mood swings are getting worse.

i dont know how to cure it, i dont know how to change myself from being like this, i just want it to stop. i wish i could just stop time for a couple of hours and just let me stand still there and listen to silence.

everytime i'm done with my showers, i would just tell myself mentally that i will not let this get the best of me, i'm fun to be around with, i'm supposedly forever happy and bubbly, but what is inside no one knows. it's hard for me to share my feelings with people. it's hard for me to say to my friends, "i'm unhappy with everything around me" because all they'll do is just remind me that my life is better than others and i'm still young i should just look forward. i dont want to listen to crap like that, i just want them to listen and acknowledge the fact that i have this dark side of me that's swallowing me whole. instead i have to live in this bubble i created for myself and play out this fascade.

sometimes i drift up from my body and just look at myself and wonder, what the hell are u doing now? i've put on this mask for so long that it's fused with my face and it hides away my true feelings. i cant seem to trust anyone with anything coz i'm scared. i'm scared that people will see the ugliness, the sorrow, the pain and they'll expose this side of me to everyone. to answer ur question in ur mind right now, yes i have been betrayed before, and up to now it still happens. what else to do than to hide my true self and bring out the marionette for people to play with?

i listen, i give, i entertain, what else can a friend ask for?

Turn Me On

Like a flower waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb in a dark room
Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come on home and turn me on

My poor heart
It's been so dark
Since you been gone
After all you're the one who turns me off
But you're the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes
I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come on home and turn me on

Turn me on

Expectations Only Lead To Disappointment

it's been a while since i've updated my diary, and thank u to all the people who took the time to read my diary and who sent me an e-mail commenting on it. yes i do like to write, this is the only way and place where i am able to vent out my frustration, my sadness, my depression, my happiness, my experiences and my thoughts.

i'm thinking of moving down to UK to be with my relatives and maybe live there for a year or so after i graduate. it's been my dream to find someone whom i can really be myself with and whom i can trust and share my life with, move down to london with him and just live there for a couple of years.

i've been going on dates, meeting guys and not to mention weirdos who keep changing their fridae account and adding me and e-mailing me, it's this 19 year old mixed dude from JB who's completely a freak. well anyways yeah i have been going on dates, dates which dont really have a lasting impression on me.

it's usually me not really into him, and him really into me, that, i dont get. i'm just wondering how out of the 8 relationships i had, why does it always have them liking me first and me not that interested in them? the ones that i like, i lose interest very quickly, the ones that i have no interest in seem to fall for me.

i just want to meet someone whom i'm attracted to emotionally and physically and mentally, i recently met someone who could but he was attached unfortunately but i did manage to have a really great chat with him. i dont need to be with someone smart, if i wanted someone smart i would probably go for my lecturer, i guess i just need someone whom i can really talk to...about everything.

i dont expect much, i dont want to expect much, cause expectations only lead to disappointment, and i cant bear to be disappointed again....no not again.

60123241759 Things I Want (but cant have...sadly enough)

I want to read a good book
I want recommendations of good books to read
I want to sleep peacefully every night
I want people to stop calling me when i'm asleep
I want a new handphone (S.E. 900i)
I want a new car (Honda CRV/Audi TT)
I want the ability of having good parking skills
I want to park anywhere i wish to park
I want to go places
I want to go to london and live there for a couple of years
I want to be with a man i love living in london for a couple of years
I want a relationship
I want that relationship to last forever
I want to love my man for being him
I want to take care of my man when he's down
I want to cook for him every week and have him taste my horrible or probably good concoctions
I want to hug him to sleep every night and tell him i love him more than anything in the world
I want to have my first dance with him in public
I want our song to be Diana Krall's The Look of Love
I want to be married to this man
I want to get a place of my own with him
I want a dog in the house and a maid to clean up after him
I want the life that has still yet to come
I want to be a better person

and lastly i want to thank you for taking the time to read this.

Stimulation of the Greater Mind

i had a really intense chat with a guy called Pang last nite, an editor of an online magazine and so cute, but what attracted me to him was the fact that he could carry on an intelligent conversation without seeming arrogant or come off as stuck up. we chatted into the wee hours of the morning and some of the subjects we both brought up were quite interesting and just struck a chord in me.

analyzing myself, i have a good life. i was blessed with the ability to communicate and voice out my opinions and have social skills. i pretty much had a platinum plated spoon stuck in my mouth ever since i was young. to grow up the way i am now, i think i did good. by the way this is not tooting my own horn, i'm just evaluating my life.

i shouldnt ask for more, i have wonderful friends, a great family (they could be better and stop pestering me to turn straight) and wonderful yet tragic experiences which taught me to be the person i am now. why should i ask for a relationship with someone i love when i love my friends and i know very well they love me too? why should i ask to spend my life with someone when i know that it's going to end disastrously and i could just spend my remaining time with friends and family?

i ask all these questions and yet sitting here right now and typing furiously, i know i want a relationship, i know i want to be loved not only by my friends but with someone i can share my deepest and darkest part of me with, someone who i can rely on to hold me tight when i'm feeling down or scared, someone to kiss me goodnight.

Alcoholic Asylum

sitting here with a cup filled with ice and a couple of shots of whiskey and water, i feel...complete. i used to sit in my room or sit outside my lounge area and just watch television and or listen to music while i slowly sip my drink and just think to myself.

i drink to make myself feel better. i take a shot to numb all the pain. i down the cup to feel something apart from sadness. i raise my glass to those who dont need alcohol in their life.

haha. call me pathetic or sad or whatever you want, but that's me. sometimes i just like to spend alone time with myself and just try to blur reality for a minute and enjoy the moment. these are the confessions of an alcoholic.

as i start pondering about how fun it would be to do this and do that, i lift my cup to my parted lips. the liquid, touching my soft lips, was as cold as death due to the amount of ice i put in, but funnily enough when it slides down my throat it warms my whole body into numbness. this numbness is transmitted into my emotions and is sent up to my brain where it blurs my vision and creates a whole new feeling of being...me. my whole body is filled with heat with the alcohol churning into my system like a spinning wheel. i continue to pour the half empty bottle of Chivas into my cup and topped it up with water.
how i love this feeling, the feeling of deadness and lacking of sensations overwhelms me. it makes me tranquil...almost like it was meant to be. dizziness is coming over me soon, i can feel it in myself.

i could almost watch myself drowning in a sea of serenity...