Recent Happenings of Ethan Lim

so this is an update of my life, just in a nutshell. i have been working, going for meetings with my boss to hopefully get promoted to assistant manager of 65, seems like everything is going according to plan. i'm writing proposals and helping out in organizing the christmas event that is coming up.

recently i'm getting harrassed by dirty old men who seem to think that my colleagues and i are toys who they can touch and hold, etc. i'm sorry if a colleague of mine presents that he's a slut to everyone but i have my principles and my morals and work ethics so no touching or copping a feel when i'm working. firstly it's annoying when u're busy mixing drinks or writing down orders and this dirty old man with glasses asks u to come over to cop a feel. geez i dont care whether u opened a bottle of J.D. or whatever, i am not someone u can harrass.

the other day i was working as well and this drunked idiot kepted on calling me to sit with him and talk to him. so i spoke to him alittle bit and went back to my job. i was playing this dice game with one of the regulars and he came along and wanted to join and he was making a big fuss and everything so i stopped the game when he broke one of the lolipops into pieces. as i was picking the pieces up and throwing them into the garbage he grabbed a piece and sticked it in his mouth and then took it out and held it out for me. i was completely disgusted and told him i dont eat candy and finished what i started. i was behind the bar clearing stuff and i see him coming in and holding out the same piece of candy which he stuck in his mouth and took out and he was glaring at me. i forced him out and closed the small swinging door so he wouldnt come in again.

i continued to play the dice game with my friend and the regulars from behind the bar when he came again to annoy the shit out of us. he even whacked my friend in the head. so we stopped again and i went to clear some stuff and he came after me again, this time asking what time i get off work and he's going to wait for me. then he started to repeat his questions like why wont u take my candy, and do u think i will hurt u? he started grabbing on my hands and trying to force me out of the pub, i swear i was panicking and tried to break free of his grasp and get away as fast as i can. luckily Sam came and tried to help me out but seeing that he couldnt pry his hands away from my arm he called for Eric (my boss) to help out. i was able to break free once eric came to my rescue and i hid behind the bar and locked the door in case he came back.

i must say and i stress this, i am not a plaything. i am not someone who anyone can just harrass and think they can get away with it. karma's a bitch and it will come back threefold so these people will definitely get what's coming to them.

Lost In Imagination

i'm feeling mighty restless these few days, a feeling which i do not understand very well. mostly because i usually feel restless for a couple of hours and then it dies down but ever since last week, i've been jumpy, my fingers cant seem to stop tapping or twisting my ring (i have this habit when i'm feeling nervous or uncomfortable or restless, i'm play around with my ring), etc. what i dont understand is i've done my work, i'm done with my exams, i'm pretty much done and yet i feel like i have some unfinished business that needs attending to. is it my love life finally calling out to me?

i've been a good boy recently, people come to me with all their problems and secrets and i never tell a single soul. i havent been trying to date anyone and have been rejecting one or two. i try to tell myself i need this time to really know who i am and that i want to be single. but i know truthfully that i'm not truly over a certain person yet. i've been thinking about him recently, maybe that's what's making me restless. dreams of his house, us going to australia and visiting my sister, his room, etc. i know they're all dreams and sometimes dreams mean nothing. i think it all started when i found his t-shirt in my closet. i wanted to dump it into the garbage can but instead i sat there on the floor and took a big whiff of that shirt. it certainly smelt like him, and my head was dizzy from all the nostalgic memories. i dumped it behind all my clothes and closed my closet door, hoping that i would forget about it.

how long does one take to get over another person? a week? a month? a year? a couple of years? never? i dont want to be one of those people who can never be able to move on in life because of a certain person. it's hard enough as it is dating other people and trying to get dates.

so this weekend i'm treating myself to a vacation in singapore, this one will be different as i'm using the money i earned from work to travel there and do stuff. i need a big old drink and to feel that feeling of weightlessness and floating in the air. i need to let myself go, as i said earlier, i've been a good boy....it's time to be a little bit bad.

Ethan Enchanted

it's 8.30 in the morning and i havent gone to bed yet. why? cause my bedtime antics have been at play and my biological clock seems to think that daytime is for sleep.

my exams are finally over. i can feel the overwhelming sense of stress finally dispatch itself from me and latch on to another unsuspecting victim. i finally can concentrate on the better things in life such as running around naked in a field of flowers and bending over and making an obscene pose in the barnyard where i once used to play.

jokes aside, the adrenaline has stopped producing itself in my body and i'm feeling the side effects of it. i went to LQ yesterday with a couple of friends only to sit there have two drinks and leave alone. i have alot on my mind lately and it's not been going so well. the breakup with ah hong has lead me to blame myself for shitting where i eat. let me explain...

i woke up at 9pm to find my phone singing harmoniously into my ear. when i picked it up it was my friend asking me whether i was going down to LQ with him and his friends. i told him i'll meet him at 65 and i'll discuss about it when i'm there. i dressed up nicely and arrived only to find out that ah hong was inside 65 with some guy i didnt like. anyways the side story is that i dont think ah hong took the breakup very well as he stopped contacting me (i got the hint). so i didnt want to go inside and create any mixed emotions and i was pretty much forced to go to LQ, being that there was no other choice. so i went, with the feeling of missing my family at 65. i saw B there. i spoke to him for a while and realized how much i miss him, while knowing the fact that we cant be together cause firstly he's the type that gets jealous very easily, and secondly apart from each other we dont have anything else in common. so i had to let my feelings go there and then, leaving him at the crowded disco and going down for a much needed drink. i left about an hour later after that only to face the ever tragic story of my friend Jimmy and his ex.

Jimmy, a good friend and lover. he has a mouth laced with poison but a heart made of gold. he's the monogamous type and i can feel in him, he's crying out silently in desperation. his long story short is that his ex wants to break up with him, jimmy still loves him and will wait for his ex to come back to him. i sorta have a small little crush on jimmy to be totally honest, i guess that's why when i met his ex i was cold to him. i just dont understand, this is a guy (if he was into me) that i would have a monogamous relationship with and his ex has the decency to break up with him. i know these things are between two people but seeing my friend wanting so much for them to work things out made me die alittle inside. i've been looking for a person like jimmy for so long and here is his ex having it within his grasp and he doesnt even want it. sigh, maybe i'm just a bit jealous. i cant really explain how i feel, i'm complicated and dramatic in that sense.

a friend also told me how he got to know his lover last night as well. they met through friends and were friends for 3 months and one night it just happened. i just sat there and listened and ate it all up with a spoon, wondering whether that fantasy story of two people meeting each other and developing feelings for each other will ever happen to me anytime soon...

Breaking Up Is Never Easy

i always manage to find myself in the worst possible situation that no other ordinary person faces in their life. i'm single again...forutnately i managed to escape my bad dating cycle before it eventually unhinges it's jaws and swallows me whole. the reason? easy, because he reminded me so much of my ex it's not even funny. he's controlling, he's so full of himself, he treats me like another person he can walk all over and he's extremely jealous. i can see myself a few months down the road being in the same position i was last time with my ex and i really really do not want to repeat that cycle.

i look back and sometimes i wonder whether i'm supposed to find someone that i know is bad for myself. anyways enough of brooding and tears and explanations, i've had enough of it today. not to mention there's a few doppelgangers running around trying to copy the way i write, the way i dress, the way i talk and whatever. i seriously dont understand why, it's not like i'm someone special or anything, i'm not a celebrity and i'm not someone who can attract alot of people. so why would someone want to copy and paste my identity onto theirs? and i do not find it flattering, i find it insulting. call me selfish but i didnt spend 22 years of my life trying to find myself and my whole identity for someone else to copy and potray as their own. that's just plain sloppy and lazy. so kids, learn a valuable lesson, dont try to be someone u're not, just be urself and do stuff which builds character. and for u doppelgangers reading this, i suppose there's nothing left for me to say except u cannot be me and copying me wont let u become me, so try leading ur own life instead. for now i'm gonna drive down to 65 and hopefully just mope in the corner or something.

Lingering In Life

sometimes i sit and ponder over my life. i start analyzing myself and wonder what the hell i'm doing with my life. this is one of those times. i was sitting in the car, driving back home with The Cranberries playing their haunting melodies on my stereo; their No Need To Argue album seem to have a nostalgic effect on me, as well as depressive. this wave of emotions just seem to overwhelm me as i start looking at my life; i'm starting to feel my life has no meaning. i wake up during the evening, i hardly go for classes, i have assignments due in the next week and i havent even started, my exams are in a few weeks time and i go out late at night and come home during the wee hours of the morning. i feel like my life is slowly crumbling before me and soon i wont even have a leg to stand on.

i tell myself and i tell others that i dont need anyone to depend on, but deep in my heart i know i need someone to take care of me. i'm a walking contradiction, preaching to others what i believe in but i do not practice; a hypocrite. i want so badly to be this person that knows how to take care of himself, that knows the right from wrong and does whatever is right. i keep writing and i keep telling myself, u have to go take charge of ur life, but doubt has gotten the better of me. how am i supposed to take charge when my life is a mess?

sitting here, as i bite my lip to fight back the tears, i'm wishing that i could skip all this drama that i create for myself and just be normal, but i know i cant. i'm sick in that way, my mind keeps dwelling on the negative and it wont let me go and live my life in peace. my body is like a cage for my soul, and my mind is feeding it poison. how am i supposed to escape from life, but more importantly how am i supposed to escape from myself?

it's times like these i wish i could bury myself in someone's arms and feel, even if it's a mere second, that everything is okay. am i lonely? yes. i'm very lonely, dating Hong doesnt make me feel better because i know that i have to start everything over again, the getting to know him, the sex (i havent had sex with him yet), the first fight, etc. plus with his job, i hardly get to see him and now it doesnt even feel like we're dating.

i just want to hold someone while i'm sleeping, know that when i come home, i'm coming home to someone whom i love so much it hurts. i guess right now i have to settle for my pillow...

Arabic Dance

Moonlight audaciously dancing on the dyed edge of the window
The smokes magically illustrate every visual sense
Give me one more cup of that ancient mysterious Ganges water
The cat's eye that i hemmed on my forehead uncovered the festival

The joints that have been imprisoned for thousands of years due to the cause of love
It is telling the love stories that have been forgotten
Listen to all the joy and misery
They are all tied to my waist
Let those pictures appear again
Let us go back into the past

Spinning
Jumping
I close my eyes
I won't see the uproars
Are you immerged in the past yet?

White snow
Summer Nights
I won't stop and rest
Blurring the years and ages

Stories have been depicted into the spinning finger tips
Who is it?
Who is following me idiotically?
This night, on the steps leading to the old palace
I let myself go as sweat drips from my face
Those sweats lightened up the festival

The sweats encloses me tightly layer after another
I am going to let this world forget to sleep
Your worries reflected inbetween my eyebrows
The pleasure that you have given has all come true

The bliss and sorrow is all writing in my eyes
Let them appear again, let us head into the past

The sandglass of time has been scrunched to pieces by me
No one has seen the happiness and sadness of a dancing prince

One Night In Liquid

just got back from a great night a-gain! i finally realized that i still have market value out there in the vicious gay circle. woo hoo! not only that, i am dating a really great guy, someone who is stable and so much more level headed that i am, and that's what i need in my life; stability. he's fantastic, he smells like...water, i know this coz i was sniffing his neck the entire time i was at Liquid. well anyways before i head on, let me retrace my steps.

at first i met up with my friends at 65, my local watering hole which i sometimes work at when there's not enough staff. it was okay until one of my friends punched me in my stomach playfully, i detest people playfully punching me, especially when i just ate. so i tried not to let that get into me and i just continued on with the night. i was supposed to meet a friend who came down from singapore who is going out with a guy i used to date (but now we're friends). they were busy consumating their love for each other and decided to flake on me. another thing which i loathe with a passion; people who make plans with u and do not even bother to call or msg to tell u that they're not going. that really pissed me off since i was already there and they first told me they were too tired and then asked me to pick them up.

anyways lets put that anger into a bubble and blow it away. the guy i'm currently dating now was showing no signs what-so-ever that he was interested at first, so that kinda made me upset as well, until he grabbed my hand and held it really tightly. everything seemed to melt away and i felt...well hard to be precise. and then i realized something, i dont usually get hard when i hold hands with someone, only my exes and that's when it hit me, i really really really like this guy. so i tried to analyze him, seeing what his body language was like, how he reacts to my arm brushing against his and everything. i think he's not very open towards public affection and he was making an effort to keep it inside, coz he pecked my cheek at first. then our lips touched and i just felt for that mere nano-second that nothing really mattered and i was floating on air.

well the night passed by so fast, we left Liquid to rejoin my family of friends at 65 and had a drink at the local coffeeshop nearby, recapping the whole night to them and them to us. we had a laugh making jokes about each other and stuff and just thinking about tonight i just gotta say that i had loads of fun tonight.

ahh the rain is slowly falling hitting the ground...it is a fantastic time to lie my head on my pillow and hold on to my favourite pillow tightly and drift happily into my dream land. a great ending to a fabulous day....